'No red-blooded woman wants a man who's as hairless as a lab rat' - Kathy Lette takes on the male grooming fad

Don’t be surprised if your husband suddenly has love bites on his mirror.

A recent study from Superdrug reveals that blokes now spend an average 83 minutes a day on their grooming regime (cleaning, shaving, styling and choosing clothes), while women notch up a lower average of 79 minutes.

Yep. Male grooming is the fastest growing sector in the global beauty industry. Gone are the days when a man’s maintenance involved nothing more than 'a sh**, shower and a shave'. You’re now more likely to come home to find your fella plastered in an organic face pack, midway through his do-it-yourself pedicure, shrinking from your embrace with a cry of 'don’t touch me' in case you smudge his fake tan.

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I’ve always nagged my partner to take better care of himself. But I wasn’t expecting to end up banging on the bathroom door as I waited for him to complete his face exfoliation and full body scrub.

At least he only waxes lyrical. A girlfriend of mine fumes about her younger lover using her good pots to heat up wax for his 'back, sack and crack' manoeuvres. Men, take note. No red-blooded woman wants a man who’s as hairless as a lab rat.

And please don’t slather on bronzer either. Some fellas I know are so orange, they could be deployed at the scene of a boating accident as a distress flare.

Hours spent massaging oil into bald spots and scouring limbs with salt crystals is bad enough. But pec implants and butt lifts are also becoming increasingly popular.

Yep, modern man seems hell-bent on turning himself into a department-store dummy. Surgeons report a sharp rise in blokes undergoing structural alteration, mostly for chin implants, tummy tucks, 'man boob' removal and facelifts.

For any fella contemplating cosmetic surgery, I have two words for you. They are 'Mickey' and 'Rourke'.

And why would men bother putting themselves through all that pain? Quizzed about attractiveness in the opposite sex, women invariably cite personality first, followed by humour, sensitivity and kindness. Appearance comes very low down our list.

Experts aren’t sure what’s causing this male grooming fad. Probably a desire to look good on Instagram and dating websites. But whatever the reason, back away from the bathroom mirror, boys.

It’s refreshing that you’re finally taking some pride in your appearance, but please don’t go through the tunnel of love holding your own hand.

Yes, we like you to take a shower occasionally. And it would be preferable if you didn’t have pool plankton growing on your teeth. But other than that, you’d actually be much more beautiful if you read a book now and then.

Over-gelled hair, tailored teeth, fake tans and uplifted brows tells a woman one thing about a man - that he keeps fit by doing step aerobics off his own ego.

Kathy Lette writes her amusing columns on all sorts of topics, from faking orgasms to camaraderie at divorce parties to going makeup-free and why it's easier to be a man. A new column is published in woman&home magazine every month.