Normal Marital Hatred: Do you sometimes not like your partner?

Benedict Cumberbatch and Olivia Coleman in The Roses — (Image credit: Jaap Buitendijk/Searchlight Pictures/Shutterstock)

After nearly 20 years with my husband Gaz, I still think he’s generous, funny and charismatic. He does all the manual labour required to keep our rickety old farmhouse from falling apart – and only complains about it most of the time. He’s also an attentive, kind and fun dad to our son.

But while my heart could burst with love for him, there are often times when I don’t like him very much. There’s his constant tidying of my things, while leaving the sink full of lunch debris or his used contact lenses thrown in the general direction of the bin. The double standards drove me so mad, I started taking photos of his mess, just to remind myself that Gaz has a serious ‘mess blind spot’ of his very own. When he jokingly called me a slob, I’d scroll through my photographic evidence to restore my sanity.

In last year’s dark romcom The Roses, married couple Theo and Ivy (Benedict Cumberbatch and Olivia Colman) discuss the ‘dizzying hatred’ they sometimes feel for each other. Ivy even jokes there are days when she’d rather go on a picnic with serial killer Charles Manson than her husband. She’s joking, she says, and they end up – temporarily at least – deciding their times of dislike are part of long-term love, rather than a recipe for divorce.

What is 'Normal Marital Hatred'?

Marriage therapist Terry Real coined the phrase Normal Marital Hatred. Hate is a strong word, but it’s not about deep contempt, he explains. It’s about flashes of frustration, resentment and even mild disgust born of knowing someone as well as you do after decades together – when you’ve long stopped being on your best behaviour and love each other enough to reveal your least endearing sides.

It’s flattering, really, to be trusted to still love someone even after they’ve shown you their most annoying habits.

That’s what I tell myself, anyway. I’m so flattered that Gaz feels safe enough in my love for him to be this annoying. Last summer, I took our son on a short holiday, and we both ended up being ill. It was a logistical and exhausting nightmare. Back home, Gaz was also unwell, but only had himself to look after. So when he texted to whinge that he was so ill he ‘couldn’t even watch TV’, I did not like him one little bit!

Is it normal?

Psychotherapist and relationship coach Heather Garbutt says feeling occasional dislike is completely normal. "Everyone has parts of themselves that are unlikeable and we’re all a little difficult to live with at times. Frustrating each other and falling into disputes is an inevitable part of being human," she says.

"Disliking the person you love doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your relationship. As long as he has more good qualities than bad, and you have a shared intention to have a happy and peaceful relationship, you can try to overlook the annoying habits."

When does Normal Marital Hatred become something more?

Saying 'this is normal' can be a relief in those moments of frustration, but if it gets in the way of your closeness as a couple, it's a problem, Julie Menanno, a relationship therapist and author of Secure Love, told womanandhome.com.

3 things to consider

It's a red flag when... "couples assume chronic negativity is simply part of long-term relationships and stop expecting anything better," says Menanno. "While moments of anger are normal, living in a constant state of resentment is not. "When couples accept ongoing bitterness as inevitable, they often delay getting help that could actually change the trajectory of the relationship."
It becomes unhealthy when... "one or both partners use the idea as a justification for poor behaviour or harmful communication," she says. "Anger may be understandable, but it doesn’t excuse criticism, withdrawal, contempt, or emotional shutdown. When resentment starts shaping how partners talk to each other, relate to each other, or treat each other, it’s no longer just a feeling."
The relationship can deteriorate if... "the idea of 'normal' anger is used as an endpoint instead of a signal. Saying “this is normal” can be relieving, but if it isn’t followed by “and it’s getting in the way of our closeness, so we need to heal it,” the relationship can deteriorate. Normalising difficult feelings should open the door to repair, not close it," she says.

woman&home march 2026

To read Kim's story in full - and others like hers - pick up a copy of woman&home March 2026 - on sale now. Or subscribe for the next issue.

Kim has been writing about the incredible lives and adventures of amazing women and brave children (and, occasionally, men too!) for nearly 20 years. A freelance writer who has written for all the best women’s magazines, Kim specialises in covering women’s health, fitness, travel, family, relationships and business themed stories. She counts herself very lucky to have written about so many interesting people over the years.

With contributions from

Grace WalshHealth Channel Editor

You must confirm your public display name before commenting

Please logout and then login again, you will then be prompted to enter your display name.