Are you in a 'subpar' marriage? Woman’s Hour experts share why some people choose to 'settle'

A new year often brings a time of reflection, especially when it comes to how a marriage is working out.

Unsurprisingly, January is a peak time for people seeking a divorce, with midlife women making up big numbers of those being named 'walkaway wives.'

Similar to way some women choose 'quiet divorce,' others are finding themselves taking a good look at their relationship, but staying in marriages deemed 'subpar.'

This term was discussed in detail during a recent Woman's Hour discussion. Host Nuala McGovern was joined by journalist Eve Simmons to discuss what happens if the person you're with doesn't meet the qualities you look for in a partner - yet you stay with them.

They look at why women might settle for these 'subpar' relationships - a term describing a partnership that is essentially below standard.

Writing about the subpar relationship in her book, What She Did Next, Eve Simmons explains why she wanted to shine a light on the topic.

"Three years ago, I was shocked when my husband of just six months and partner of nine years, told me out of nowhere that he didn't want to be married anymore," she explains.

Eve adds that in her devastation, she would've done "anything to make it work." She then decided to investigate whether anyone else had a similar experience of their partner making a similar proclamation seemingly out of nowhere.

In turn, the journalist was contacted by many women whose husbands and partners had indeed "ended things totally out of nowhere." However, what she found "the most fascinating," was that all of these women said it was "the best thing that ever happened to them."

The women realised they'd been "settling for somebody who was a complete mis-match" and their lives improved dramatically when the relationship that wasn't actually meeting their standards on reflection, ended.

Nuala McGovern wondered if calling men and relationships subpar was a little "harsh." Eve acknowledges it as a controversial term, but explains, "It highlights what I'm trying to say, and means a mis-match or somebody that doesn't make you happy."

To find a description of a subpar man, Eve interviewed women to find out some common themes in men who suddenly ended their relationships. She found that often, men would be "quite directionless, not very emotionally mature or emotionally intelligent, and lack self-reflection."

She also found further recurring themes to be that men were "racked by insecurity which becomes a monster when they're with a woman who is perhaps professionally successful."

While not all men fit this pattern it has to be said, it appeared to be the case that those whom women later realised they'd "settled" for, mainly exhibited these behaviours.

Psychotherapist Lucy Beresford joined the conversation to look at why women would've "settled" for these men, often without realising it.

She explains that a lot of people in their 20s and 30s see people getting married, and women have their "finite" biological clocks to consider.

Because of this societal structure, Lucy says people "end up marrying the person they are with in their late 20s or early 30s, which is not quite the same as marrying the person you love."

She continues, "It is very much about marrying the person you are with at the time, in order for other things to evolve" such as having families and getting on the property ladder.

She suggests that in later years, there can be "a realisation that in fact you're not very similar, and you can't grow together," and this brings friction.

The relationship therefore becomes deemed subpar as it's not meeting the original needs it came about for.

However, the question of why women choose to "settle" for these relationships remains, especially when there's more options available to women to leave their marriage in the modern age - it is a certainly a complex and multi-layered topic.