'To Posh and Becks, the first 50 years of parenthood are the hardest' - Kathy Lette's candid reaction to Brooklyn's Beckham outburst

Victoria and David Beckham must be wishing they could shove their son Brooklyn back into the condom vending machine for a refund. The family rift deepened this week when their eldest son told his 16 million followers on Instagram that his family have tried to 'ruin' his relationship with his wife, Nicola Peltz. After maintaining he has made every effort to keep these matters private, 26-year-old Brooklyn let rip.

'Unfortunately, my parents have continued to go to the press, leaving me with no choice but to speak for myself and tell the truth about only some of the lies that have been printed. I do not want to reconcile with my family… For my entire life, my parents have controlled narratives about our family. The performative social media posts, family events and inauthentic relationships have been a fixture of the life I was born into.'

This alone would be enough for Posh and Becks to start looking for a loop hole in Brooklyn’s birth certificate, but there was more.

'Recently, I have seen with my own eyes the lengths that they’ll go through to place countless lies in the media, mostly at the expense of innocent people, to preserve their own facade. But I believe the truth always comes out.'

Ouch. The trouble with parenting is that there’s no Owners Manual. Modern parenting is like being an unpaid PA to a group of pushy A-listers. The diva behaviour kicks in with puberty. Suddenly you’re expected to offer a 24 hour, on-call service, including chauffeuring, pampering and pandering to exotic food whims involving kale and quinoa.

Keen to avoid the authoritarianism of our own parents, we’ve spoiled our progeny. We’ve cushioned them from life’s harsh realities, praising every mediocre thing they do as 'brilliant' and 'amazing'. Our children aren’t ‘seen but not heard’, they’re seen and never told to shut up.

Yet ironically, they insist that we shut up or at least, police our language. One harsh word and we’re accused of ‘microaggression’ or ‘toxic parenting’.

Brooklyn goes on to moan his mother 'cancelled making Nicola’s dress in the eleventh hour'. He then alleges Posh 'hijacked' his first dance with Nicola and danced 'inappropriately on me' in front of their guests, adding he had never felt more 'uncomfortable or humiliated'.

There’s some hubris in this family fall out. Reading about the Beckham’s perfect life over the past decades, made me feel like a runner-up in the human race. But Brooklyn now maintains it was nothing but a PR façade.

'Family ‘love’ is decided by how much you post on social media, or how quickly you drop everything to show up and pose for a family photo opp, even if it’s at the expense of our professional obligations,' he said.

What Brooklyn’s accusations prove is that perfect families only exist in American sit coms. Clearly, it’s pointless even trying to be a perfect parent because your kids will just grow up to whinge 'why didn’t you screw me up more when I was young? I’ve got nobody to blame now!'

Brooklyn’s outburst refutes the assertion that his wife is controlling. 'I have been controlled by my parents for most of my life. I grew up with overwhelming anxiety. For the first time in my life, since stepping away from my family, that anxiety has disappeared. I wake up every morning grateful for the life I chose and have found peace and relief.'

To Posh and Becks, the only relief I can offer is that the first 50 years of parenthood are probably the hardest. It might also be time for Victoria to ditch her designer gear and don a simple t-shirt which reads 'I had sex with my husband and all I got was this lousy kid'.