‘Life is too short to spend it shrinking myself’: Ashley James on life lessons she’s taking into her 40s and ‘ageing disgracefully’

Presenter Ashley James has had enough of a lifetime of unrealistic beauty expectations, and wants to have a fresh start and dismiss patriarchal standards in her 40s.

At the age of 39 and on the precipice of a new decade, Ashley shares the most valuable lessons she'll be taking with her into her 40s, and why she'll be "ageing disgracefully."

Like a lot of women, the star does feel a little nervous about her upcoming birthday milestone.

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"It would be disingenuous of me to pretend I never worry about getting older," she tells Hello! magazine, adding, "We live in a world that constantly tells women that youth is our greatest asset and that growing older is something to fight, reverse or disguise."

Despite now feeling old enough to "know better," he star maintains that "those messages can be difficult to completely escape."

However, Ashley is stepping into her 40s with a positive perspective. After feeling like she was heading towards "a full-blown breakdown" as her 30th birthday approached, she is taking a far more measured approach for turning 40.

"Looking back, I barely recognise the woman I was at 29," she says, explaining, "Not because I magically became confident with age, but because I’ve spent the last decade questioning so many of the things I thought were true."

It's taken until now for Ashley to realise "confidence isn’t something you find." Instead, it's something she will "rebuilding" after a lifetime of being barraged with negative messages.

Ashley shares that for years, she's been told, "You’re too much, not enough, too loud, too ambitious, too emotional, too old, too sexual or not sexual enough."

The star has found herself in a space where she can recognise all of the toxic messages she's been fed as a woman, about how she should live and look. Her emphasis now is on "unlearning" them.

She says women are made believe their bodies need "fixing," and their only value lies in youth. "Patriarchy teaches us to be agreeable, accommodating and grateful for whatever space we’re given," she says, adding, "Little by little, we absorb the message that we’re either too much or not quite enough."

The presenter became used to viewing her body as a "project," determined to be "the smallest version of myself" and avoiding and restricting food.

No longer willing to live this way, Ashley says, powerfully, "I got to the most shrunken version of myself only to discover that confidence wasn’t there waiting for me."

Her focus now is on how her body feels and whether she's strong and comfortable, rather than aiming to be thin, which often comes with physical weakness and discomfort.

The star is no longer going to put "being liked" over her own boundaries, and instead of worrying about whether men like her or not, will instead look at a man and wonder whether she actually likes him.

"So many women are taught that being chosen is the prize," she says. Instead of concerning themselves with whether or not a man desires them, Ashley requests women ask themselves some very good questions about men.

"Did they make me laugh? Did they respect me? Did they share my values? Did they make my life bigger, lighter and happier?" she says we should be asking.

At 40, Ashley will no longer apologise for being feminine, and won't be comparing her timeline to anyone else's in her new decade.

"Women are put in an impossible position," she says, continuing, "We’re told to prioritise our careers, but also reminded that our fertility has a deadline."

"We’re told to wait for the right partner, but also warned not to leave it too late." Poignantly, she concludes, "The reality is that life doesn’t unfold according to a schedule."

"Life is far too short to spend it shrinking myself, waiting for approval or believing I need fixing."

"I want to keep taking up space and ageing disgracefully. Because I refuse to become invisible because our worth is not tied to youth."