‘I was trudging into work crying’ - Anna Maxwell Martin reflects on the challenges of grief and ‘massive patience’ needed to cope with it

Well known for her work on stage and screen, Anna Maxwell Martin is now becoming just as known for her fierce advocacy for disadvantaged children and for her candid comments about the affects of grief.

The actress met her former husband, director Roger Michell, in 2004. After 16 years together and 10 years of marriage, the couple separated and Roger died suddenly shortly afterwards at the age of 65.

At 48, Anna is a single, bereaved mother to two daughters also navigating the aftermath of their father's death. One of the actress's teenage daughters also has special educational needs that require an extra level of support that schools have struggled to provide.

As Christmas approaches, Anna spoke to The iPaper about keeping celebrations low key during the festive period, to make life easier for all of them as they struggle with their grief.

"As a bereaved family, I’m really cautious around the pressure I put on Christmas," she shares, adding, "sometimes we do literally nothing and it’s fine."

She continues, "So we like to keep it really small. I always tell the girls all I want is a homemade card, which they take the mick out of me for."

The actress has also been very open about the impact of grief on motherhood. She feels being a parent has made her a "better person," while believing she's "failed at being a parent" since her former husband died.

"I’ve had to apologise and pick myself up and pick my children up and say I’m sorry, I’m going to do better. I always want to be the best person for them," she explains.

Anna's own grief experience has also been shaped by the death of her father, who died when she was just 24.

"This year I go into having more years without my dad than with him – that is a really weird watershed for me," she shares.

With real candour, she adds, "I think we all need to understand that more about grief. It hoodwinks you. It can be OK, can’t it? Then suddenly it’s not. And that can be a week later, a year later, 10 years later."

The actress also weighs in on the "flurry of support" that comes when somebody close dies, before "everyone forgets."

Anna explains that with the non-linear pattern of grief, this withdrawal of support can be challenging, because you don't know when it might be needed, and it might not be there.

"Sometimes grief can be delayed, and your difficulties swamp you," she says, adding, "I had a mini-grief for Roger last summer. It was the first I’d done a play since he died, and I found it incredibly difficult without him."

"I was trudging into work, crying. And this summer it hit me again, as it did my children. Grief is an exercise in massive patience."

While she steers herself and her children through this difficult experience, Anna describes getting help for her special educational needs child also as "pretty brutal."

While she says some teachers have been "life-saving" for her daughter, she explains that the current emphasis on school attendance is exceptionally difficult for some children.

"It’s cruel to measure a child by that when they cannot be in school because their nervous system is on fire," she explains. Being threatened with fines made her realise how others with similar challenges could be more easily exposed to poverty because of them, instead of supported.

"There are children who aren’t at school because they haven’t got a warm coat or had anything to eat, then are berated and fined. Those fines push families further into poverty," she says.

Anna concludes that for the rest of her life, she'll be "hammering on doors at Westminster on behalf of teachers, pupils and children facing difficulties at school."

"All I want for Christmas is for funding cuts to be reversed; for more therapeutic support," she finishes.