'I miss my friend even though she betrayed me' - a reader asks Anna Richardson for advice

There's a well-known saying that people can come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

If you follow this mentality, you can accept that, sometimes, friendships reach a natural end. But that can be easier said than done to totally move on from a former friendship.

That's the case with our reader, who cut a very close friend out of her life after perceived betrayals. Now, years later, she's wondering if she should get in touch after hearing her former friend is going through some health issues.

Is it ever worth going back to an old friendship?

The reader asked: When I was in my late 30s, I cut one of my closest friends out of my life. She would flirt with my boyfriends and also went out with one of my ex-partners, who had meant a lot to me.

She didn’t seem particularly worried about my feelings, even when I tried to explain why I felt hurt. She often went behind my back and I didn’t trust her. It meant that she didn’t come to my wedding and has not met my children.

Recently, I’ve heard through mutual friends that she has been having a difficult time after going through some health issues. There have been moments in the past 20 years when I have missed her and reflected on the good times we had. I wonder if I should get in touch. Is it ever worth going back?

You made the decision to place a very clear boundary

When I read your dilemma for the first time, I must admit I was stumped. Not because I don't know what to say, but because I'm going through exactly the same problem with an ex-friend of mine too.

So, do I offload on you and say 'and then she did this...' with total outrage? Or do I advise you with a professional degree of therapeutic distance and objectivity?

However you look at it, we're both hurt by how our friends have behaved towards us, and we both made the decision to place a very clear boundary down. However... and here's the rub... we miss them.

And when we hear that someone we've loved dearly is struggling, that tugs on the conscience, doesn't it? So let's look at this two ways.

First, I'll tell you what I think as a pal. And second, through a therapy lens. Then somewhere in the middle will be the balm that might just help you move forward.

Missing her doesn't mean you were wrong

So let me start where a friend would. You don't cut someone out of your life for no reason, especially not a close friend. I know that myself. That decision comes after a slow accumulation of hurt, chaos, betrayal and that horrible sense that you can't quite relax around someone any more.

And once that trust goes, trying to stick it back together sometimes means cutting yourself on the very thing you're trying to fix. Missing her doesn't mean you were wrong. It means you had some great times together and your heart still feels that seductive pull.

And isn't it funny how we yearn to replay the laughter, while editing out the moments our friend stuck a knife in our back? But here's the question: are you missing her - or the friendship you kept hoping she'd be able to give you? Because they're not always the same thing.

In therapy, we talk about boundaries not as punishment, but as acts of self-protection.

You did what you did because staying friends came at too high a cost to your emotional wellbeing. And unless something fundamental has changed - real insight, accountability, different behaviour - old dynamics have a habit of resurfacing, no matter how many years have passed.

Hearing about her health issues may have triggered a familiar sense of responsibility in you. After all, many of us want to be 'a good person' and help or get in touch, even after someone has hurt us. But compassion doesn't need closeness. You can care, genuinely, without returning to a role that damaged you.

'Be there for others. But never leave yourself behind'

If you do get in touch, then do it consciously. Keep it kind, within the boundaries and pay attention to how you feel. Your nervous system is often wiser than your conscience.

And if you choose not to make contact, that doesn't make you hard-hearted. Sometimes it simply means you've learnt to protect yourself.

So is it ever worth going back? Yes.

But I keep a card in my diary at all times that reads, 'Be there for others. But never leave yourself behind.' Wise words to live by.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me