‘Is my husband having a kinky midlife crisis?’ a reader asks our columnist Anna Richardson for help

It's common in long-term relationships for sexual desires to ebb and flow, and for both partners to evolve over time. This might include changes to what they enjoy in the bedroom.

In this month's Ask Anna column, a reader who had been married for over two decades asked for my advice in tackling her husband's request for role play.

Our reader's question

"My husband recently suggested it would turn him on if I dressed up for sex. He’s suggested a French maid outfit. I tried to make light of it but I’m horrified at the thought – I’d feel ridiculous.

"I thought we had a pretty good love life. We make out at least once a week, which, after 23 years of marriage, isn’t bad. Do you think he’s having some sort of a midlife crisis?"

Anna's Advice

Reading back over your dilemma, I can feel your confusion and, dare I say it, disgust. You’re hiding it well by being light-hearted, but it’s clear you’re wrestling with some emotions here.

Readers of this column will know I always pick out the words that spell the truth of what’s going on with a person – and I see ‘horrified’, ‘ridiculous’ and the rather shy phrase ‘make out’. There’s a lot going on deep down with you both, so let’s unpack it.

After 23 years of marriage, when you are used to the predictability of sex, a curveball request like this can throw you – and it’s no surprise that you feel unsettled or even a little bit demeaned.

But rather than jumping to conclusions, let’s consider what’s driving your husband’s motives.

First, it’s completely normal to wonder if your other half’s request is something to worry about. But unless he’s bought a pair of leather trousers and rocked up in a new sports car, then asking for a specific fantasy involving dressing up doesn’t necessarily mean he’s grappling with a midlife crisis.

People’s sexual desires evolve over time, and it sounds as if this is his way of trying to spice things up with you. It’s worth remembering that curiosity and the desire for novelty is part of the human condition, especially when we have been ‘captive’ for years in a monogamous relationship.

So for him, it might not be about dissatisfaction with your sex life, but more about exploring something with a spicier flavour. What’s wonderful is that he wants to explore it with you, rather than searching elsewhere – so please hang on to that fact.

But, I do hear your discomfort.

Those feelings of unease are just as valid as your husband’s needs. If the idea of dressing up as a French maid feels daft, that’s one thing. But saying you’re ‘horrified’ is quite another.

Something here doesn’t align with your values and sense of self – which leads me to wonder about your use of the phrase ‘we make out at least once a week’. There’s almost an innocence to that intimacy that has nothing to do with the je ne sais quoi of a saucy spring clean.

So, what to do? Healthy relationships, especially ones with the history you two share, rely on mutual respect, understanding and compromise.

Personally, I’d ask him why he’s interested in this and what he hopes it will bring to your love life. You may find that it’s less about him wanting you to look a certain way, and more about experimenting with fantasy as a way of breaking out of a predictable – and possibly, boring – routine.

At the same time, by being honest with him, you’ll be able to voice your desires and, more importantly, your boundaries too. While you may not be comfortable with the specific idea of dressing up, perhaps there’s another way you could evolve together.

Maybe there’s a different kind of role play, or experience, that doesn’t make you feel ridiculous but brings excitement to the bedroom for both of you instead.

Author and sex educator Ruby Rare is a big fan of couples exploring their sexuality through ethical pornography sites. This can be visual (role play for your husband) or, rather enticingly, audio. I wonder whether that’s something you’d feel safer navigating together. Try afourchamberedheart.com or for audio stories, literotica.com.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.