‘How can I ensure my sister-in-law doesn’t outstay her welcome at Christmas?’

Today marks one month until Christmas Day, and with the excitement and nostalgia for the season building, the anxiety about hosting friends and family can also begin to bubble up.

Following expert Christmas hosting tips and preparing your home and pantry well in advance of your guests' arrival can certainly help you to feel more in control and on top of things, alleviating some tension. But how can you prepare for the guest that tends to overstay their welcome, expecting to be waited on rather than being a good guest and offering to help?

The reader who wrote to me in this edition of my column was already feeling worried about her sister-in-law's pending Christmas visit – not least because she's invited herself to stay for even longer than usual. Here's how I advise handling these situations with grace...

The overstaying guest

The reader says, "Last year, my husband’s sister spent four days at our house over Christmas, but this year, she’s suggesting she stays almost double that time. She has already looked into treating us to panto tickets and a concert as a thank you, which is kind but makes me feel obliged to say yes.

"She lives 200 miles away and we are hosting, so it makes sense, but she doesn’t help out much, so I feel like a skivvy. Plus she talks non-stop and my husband tends to disappear on errands, so I’m stuck with her.

"How can I diplomatically limit her to four days again? Our son is going to his in-laws this Christmas, so I can’t use him as an excuse."

Sister-in-law relationships can be tricky

Ah, the dreaded sister-in-law. The relationship that rarely gets the airtime it deserves, yet one that can stir up all sorts of complicated feelings.

Unlike a friend, you didn’t choose her. Unlike a sister, you don’t have the history (or love) that allows for blunt honesty.

And yet she arrives, bags in hand, ready to dominate your festive bubble and recreate old family dynamics that you never asked for in the first place. It can be wonderful, for sure – or as you’ve discovered, utterly exhausting.

Your dilemma is actually quite common, and one that I can identify with personally. Not because I don’t like my sisters-in-law – but because I’m probably the sister who stays too long and talks too much!

Research from Relate suggests that in-law tensions are one of the biggest sources of stress in marriage, particularly around Christmas, when expectations run too high and boundaries start to blur.

You’re not being unreasonable for wanting to protect your energy. Four days of full-on banter, with you skivvying while your husband ‘pops out for milk’ yet again, is enough for anyone.

The trick is to find a way of limiting her stay without turning yourself into the bad guy.

Set boundaries now

The first step is to remind yourself that setting boundaries is not the same as rejecting her. It’s simply acknowledging your limits. Think of it like portion control: just as you wouldn’t eat the entire tub of Quality Street in one sitting, you don’t need to gorge on eight days of hosting when four will leave everyone feeling less sick.

Remember the classic adage? Friends, fish and family — they all go off after three days.

So, how to do it diplomatically? Start by being proactive rather than reactive. Drop her an enthusiastic message now. Tell her how much you’re looking forward to having her again, but that you and your husband have decided this year to keep Christmas a little less hectic.

People are surprisingly understanding when you frame it as self-care rather than rejection. The trick is to be inclusive, so try something like, ‘We’d love to have you from the 23rd to the 27th again – it worked really well last year.’

It sets the boundary, and gives you control, while still being kind. By proposing specific dates, you close the door on the marathon visit without needing an elaborate excuse.

Get your husband to help

I’d also suggest that you recruit your husband more actively too. This is his sister, after all, and it’s not fair that you’re left carrying the load.

So, have a word with him now before she arrives and agree on a shared ‘hosting plan’ to divvy up the Christmas jobs so you’re not stuck making small talk and doing all the washing-up while he dodges all the responsibility.

The bottom line is this: Christmas is meant to be a season of goodwill, not martyrdom.

A short, joyful stay from your sister-in-law is far better than a long, resentful one. So by setting loving but firm limits now, you’ll actually preserve your relationship – as well as your sanity.

Anna advises our readers on relationship issues of all sorts, such as friends who make everything about them, worries about a daughter's relationship, addressing health concerns for a loved one and navigating an empty nest, with a new Ask Anna column published in woman&home magazine every month.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.