By Faye M Smith
Curious about tantric sex but not quite sure what it is or how to do it? Don't worry, we've got you covered. Most people associate tantric sex with Sting and his wife Trudie Styler, who once claimed they could have sex for five hours thanks to the practice. But, it turns out, it's a lot easier than you might think and can be an incredibly rewarding experience for you and your partner.
"Tantric sex doesn't just work for millionaire musicians and their film producer wives! Couples have been enjoying Tantra for years – and it can allow you to experience multiple orgasms lasting 20 minutes each," says sex and relationship guru, and Lovehoney ambassador Oloni.
While one of the main draws of tantric sex is that it can help you have longer or multiple orgasms with your partner, something that perhaps only your best vibrator was able to do before, it's not just about the physical act of sex and your orgasm. Tantric sex focuses on how you get there, slowly building intimacy and strengthening your connection with your partner which can lead to a much more intense sexual experience.
What is tantric sex?
Tantric sex is a Hindu practice dating back more than 5,000 years that centers around the idea that being present in the moment can take sex to the next level and possibly leave you having multiple orgasms.
"Tantra means the weaving and expansion of energy," explains Oloni. "Put simply, it is a slow form of sex that increases intimacy and creates a mind-body connection, which can lead to more powerful and prolonged orgasms," says Oloni.
Is it really worth trying? Absolutely, according to Oloni.
"If you put more time and effort into sex, you will reach a higher and more intense form of ecstasy."
How to have tantric sex
Tantric sex is less about how to orgasm quickly and more about prolonging the experience for intense pleasure, so you shouldn't focus too closely on your orgasm. "Instead, prolong the foreplay for as long as possible before taking sex to its natural end," Oloni explains.
"Delaying orgasm can be difficult for some people, particularly men - but it can be done," says Oloni. "You can do this by using a variety of techniques including meditation, breathing exercises, and massage."
Here, Oloni shares 10 steps to nailing tantric sex for first-timers. By taking these steps before and during sex, you and your partner fulfill your wildest tantric sexual fantasies.
1. Prep the room
As tantric sex is a slow and mindful experience, spend some time preparing the room for you and your partner.
Oloni suggests lighting scented candles, turning off your phone, and devoting at least two hours to your partner to fully immerse yourself in the experience for ultimate pleasure.
2. Loosen your body
Get yourself into the right mind for tantric sex, either alone before your partner comes into the room or together.
As the practice is all about moving energy through the body, Oloni recommends shaking your limbs to energize before you get started.
You don't have to do a full-on workout, just have a little jump around and get the blood pumping.
3. Stay off the bed
When it comes to tantric sex, Oloni advises avoiding your bed even if that's where you usually have sex.
"This will trigger the sleep button in your brain, she says. "Tantra is not about a quick romp – you are seeking a deep connection. Get comfortable by lying on the floor with your partner using some cushions."
Dedicate a space to your tantric experience and make things even more special.
4. Stimulate the senses
By now, you'll know that tantric sex is all about being present and mindful. A great way to play on this is to dedicate time to stimulating you and your partner's senses.
"Sight is the most powerful of the senses. It is important you look good and feel good. Wear some sexy lingerie and decorate the room with some fresh flowers," Oloni suggests.
To trigger the sense of smell, use sensual oils or candles with scents like rose, ylang-ylang and jasmine.
To kick things off, you could also sing to your partner or play their favorite song and dance together. Oloni also suggests whispering intimately into the ear and sharing your plans for the evening.
For taste, Oloni recommends eating melted chocolate, honey or fresh fruits. "As the sex becomes more intimate, you should apply them to body parts and lick them off. And, of course, make sure you use touch and massage their extremities," she adds.
5. Sit face-to-face
As tantric sex is all about deepening your connection with your partner, Oloni suggests sitting face-to-face with one partner on the other's lap in the traditional Yab Yum tantric position.
"Wrap your hands tightly around each other and press your bodies against each other," she suggests. "This kind of skin contact promotes greater feelings of intimacy."
Stay in this position for a few moments, breathe deeply and be present. If the Yab Yum position isn't comfortable, lay down with your partner and look into their eyes.
6. Slow down foreplay
During sex, foreplay is often rushed with orgasm as the end goal. With tantric sex, you're actively trying not to place too much importance on orgasm, and instead enjoying a deeply intimate experience with your partner.
"Take your time and leisurely make your way around their body," Oloni advises. "Try a variety of touches – firm massage, light feathery touches, and gentle stroking. The aim here is to heighten your lover's senses in a slow and intense way so that you're building them up to a peak but stopping just short before the orgasm."
If you decide to introduce oral sex early on, Oloni warns that you shouldn't take it to the point of climax too soon. "We're aiming to make pleasure last for hours," she says.
7. Look into your partner's eyes
After stimulating each other's senses and enjoying slow and mindful foreplay, look into your partners eyes and breathe together.
"Place your left hand on your partner's heart," Oloni instructs, "They should do the same to you. Match each other's breathing for at least two minutes."
Not only will this bring you both into the present moment, it will create a deeply intimate experience where nothing else matters in the world at that moment but the two of you.
8. Try some role-play
If you fancy taking things even further, you could introduce some bondage for beginners or BDSM play.
The key to BDSM play is communication and consent. Before you begin, discuss with your partner what they are comfortable/not comfortable with and gain their consent, agree on a safe word, phrase or action that when used ensures the dominating partner knows it's time to stop, and communicate throughout.
You can take it in turns in being the dominant and submissive partner to get to know what you like and what it feels like to play either role. Open up to your partner about what you'd like to try, get creative and have fun!
9. Take sex slow
As you progress through mindful foreplay and into a place where you're ready to have sex, you should avoid any sex positions you know make you orgasm easily.
"Work towards a gradual build-up of pleasure. The slower you take it, the more intense the orgasm will be at the end," Oloni says.
10. Slow down your breathing
As you both come close to climaxing, slow down your breathing for a more intense and longer orgasm.
"This will seem illogical – most of us breath more quickly as we approach climax," Oloni says. "Women, in particular, can tense up at this stage of sex as they try to make themselves orgasm. Instead, relax your tummy and take long, slow deep breaths – your orgasm will last longer and be more intense."
What if tantric sex doesn't work?
If you find you didn't orgasm during your first time having tantric sex, or that it wasn't all that different from normal, Oloni stresses you shouldn't give up.
"If you don't last beyond 10 minutes, try again. Tantric sex takes time to get to grips with because we're all used to sex in a Western way. This means we expect sex to have an obvious start, middle and end. Use your imagination and your sex life can go off in all sorts of new directions. That’s Tantra!"
Faye M Smith is an award-winning journalist with over 15 years experience in the magazine industry. Her continued work in the area of natural health won her the coveted title of theHealth Food Manufacturers’ Association (HFMA) Journalist of the Year Award 2021.
Currently Acting Health Editor across several brands including woman&home, Woman and Woman’s Own, Faye specialises in writing about mental health, the menopause, and sex and relationships. In fact, having previously been the go-to sex columnist for Now magazine, there isn't much she won't discuss when it comes to women's health. This makes her the best person to review must-buy sex toys, describe how to have a mind-blowing orgasm or explain how to navigate sex in the shower without it ending in a medical emergency.
While not anti-gym, Faye’s fitness routine is more focussed on finding inner balance rather than burning excess calories. An advocate of mindfulness, she loves power breathing, yoga and plenty of walking in nearby woodlands rather than a sweaty HIIT class. Follow her @fayetuned
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