I thought I knew everything about my partner after 12 years together - this intimacy app changed my mind

Technology is often seen as the enemy of intimacy - but just as the best dating sites have made it easier for people to meet, can we use technology to help improve a relationship? Here, writer Susan Griffin reveals what she discovered after using the Paired app. 

I can feel my eyes narrowing and my blood boiling with increased irritation as I talk to the top of my partner’s head while he absently murmurs ‘yeah’ and continues to scroll on his phone. Not only is it frustrating to know you are not being listened to, but it's hurtful too. Of course, I am far from alone in this scenario - 'phubbing' was a word coined over a decade ago to describe the exact feeling. It also appeared as a shared frustration when I spoke to my friends and a report by Pew Research Center reveals that 62% of 30 to 49-year-olds and 41% of those over 50 believe their partner is at least "sometimes" distracted by their mobile phone when they're trying to talk to them. 

But as the saying goes: if you can't beat them, joint them. Just as I started to wonder whether it was possible to bring tech into the picture productively to work on some relationship issues, I heard about Paired - a couples app billed as a "way to connect with your partner every day". Would it be possible to use tech, our phones more precisely, to have more meaningful moments and intimacy in our relationship? After 12 years together, I was intrigued to find out. 

What is Paired?

Paired is an app designed to help couples improve their relationship via daily questions, games, exercises, and quizzes across a multitude of topics, including dates, finance, love, sex, memories and desires. Essentially, the aim is to get couples talking about more than what to have for dinner. 

Once the app has been downloaded, partners 'pair' their phones. Both partners answer the question, take part in the game, exercise, or quiz on their own phone and once this has been completed separately, partners can see each other's answers. The Paired app then encourages face-to-face conversation about the answers afterwards.

The answers on the app only need to be brief, and in some instances, require nothing more than pressing either of your names when answering ‘You or Me’ questions. Rather than big gestures of romance, the Paired app focuses on the way we can work on our relationships (and even learn how to revive romance if it's been lost along the way) a little bit every day. 

Paired app review

What is it like to use the Paired app?

Signing up to Paired was easy in theory, all it required was a download from the app store and a simple sign-up process, with some basic information (that stays fully encrypted) on the relationship priorities and dynamic. Naturally though, as it's an app for couples, it does require both people in the couple to be fully invested in using the app. 

My challenge arrived at this moment as I required my beloved to be on board with the process too. I can't lie - his reaction wasn’t one of unadulterated enthusiasm. I believe he said something along the lines of, “What a load of nonsense”. It was only on the assurance that it wouldn’t require lengthy epistles that we both downloaded the app. 

Signing up to use Paired is much like making a pact to work on your relationship. You can only see your partner's answers once you've answered the question yourself so you both need to do it to make it work. It's also a pact that requires you to be open and honest. And, as it transpires, somewhat ironically, it is easier to do this when looking at a screen rather than each other.

It might look and feel playful, but its simplicity shouldn’t be underestimated. The questions have all been carefully created by leading relationship experts - like Moraya Seeger DeGeare, a licensed marriage and family therapist who is also the in-house relationship expert at Paired - to help couples overcome any relationship anxiety and open up the conversation. 

“In the early stages of dating, we invite people into our inner world and let them know who we are and that is the basis of intimacy, but when you’ve been together a while, you can lose the ability to talk and make that a priority,” she tells us. “The app allows you to be vulnerable without it being scary and creates more balance and intimacy for couples." 

What I learnt using the Paired app with my partner

We don't complement each other enough

I am sure there are couples out there who regularly flatter one another, but a quick vox pop among friends in long-term relationships would suggest many of us are somewhat lacking in this area. 

Indeed, the app flagged to us how little we complement each other. It asks direct questions about what you love and admire about your partner, via instructions like: 'name one way in which your partner has made your life better', and questions such as 'what’s something negative your partner believes about themselves that isn’t true?', and so on. 

We are as guilty as the next couple in taking each other for granted and forgetting what it means to say something thoughtful and kind. The truth is, reading each other’s answers meant a lot to both of us. 

As Dr Lisa Lawless, an independent psychotherapist specialising in intimacy and sexual wellness education, says, “It is important to prioritise time together, practice gratitude toward one another, and remember why you fell in love in the first place.” As we discovered while using the Paired app, it really doesn’t hurt to be reminded of that. 

We assume a lot

As the years pass by, it is easy to start making presumptions about your partner, about what they are thinking, why they are doing something (or not), what they like, or don’t like, how they see you, and even the expectations in the relationship. The app asks seemingly mundane questions (from food preferences to how you prefer to be comforted), among more profound ones about grief and heartache. But trust me on this - even after 12 years - the answers can be unexpected and surprising, leading to wider conversations.  

You can’t help but think if I’ve got this wrong, what else have I got wrong? 

"It’s not that this app will transform your relationship, but you are learning something new about your partner,” says Seeger DeGeare, who reiterates just how important it is to stay curious about each other when you're in a relationship. “By using the app, you begin talking about things you didn’t even know you should talk about.” 

Moraya Seeger DeGeare

Moraya Seeger DeGeare is a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified in emotionally focused therapy. She brings a decade of working with couples on improving the quality of their relationships to Paired as an in-House relationship epert. Her clinical work focuses on deepening intimacy, vulnerability, and connection with diverse couples.

We don't talk a lot about the future - or the past

My partner and I often somewhat smugly self-congratulate ourselves on our ability to live in the moment (granted, it helps that we are child-free). In fact, we are probably averse to talking about long-term plans or reminiscing too much about the past. 

While there are all sorts of benefits to this approach, I’m sure, the app prompted questions about our wants and wishes moving forward and reminded us there is no harm in discussing long-term plans. Likewise, it has made us recognise that it's important to spend time reflecting on the past, not only reminiscing about the highs but acknowledging the lows. 

“If you’re fearful of opening a can of worms, you probably needed to have those conversations,” says Seeger DeGeare.  

As Dr Lawless, who is also the founder of Holistic Wisdom, notes, “As couples navigate life’s challenges, we don't just weather storms; intimacy begins to deepen. However, sometimes, couples take another road, letting conflicts fester. They don't do the emotional work needed to deepen their bonds where challenges are left unaddressed. This can cause their intimacy levels to weaken and their bond to break.” 

Dr Lisa Lawless

Lisa Lawless, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist specialising in clinical psychology, relationships, sexual health, and nutrition. and C.E.O. and founder of Holistic Wisdom, Inc., which provides intimacy and sexual wellness education, resources, and products.  

Small acts mean more than grand gestures

Neither of us is into theatrical displays of affection. If anything, we’re cynical of couples who are “too showy” as we see it. But then, we aren’t exactly brilliant at the small, meaningful gestures either. 

The app has helped both of us discover what gestures we actually appreciate from each other, whether it is helping out differently around the house, listening more (minus the phone, just saying), or planning our time together differently. 

“It is not the big shiny things that people are craving, it's the little moments,” says Seeger DeGeare. "A part of belonging is being understood by someone and little moments of connection mean so much in a relationship." 

And really, it is the small acts that impact a relationship most. Even signing up for an app you have reservations about. 

Paired app: The bottom line

Overall, as a way of prompting conversations, Paired can be a useful tool. I recommended it to friends when it came up in conversation, after ultimately concluding that there isn't anything to lose by trying it. 

In fact, there can be a lot to gain. In a long-term relationship, you can take each other for granted or forget to check in with each other so easily. Using this sort of app can lead to greater understanding as to where you are or what you need to do to reinforce your relationship moving forward. In turn, this can also help you build more trust in the relationship as you know you're both on the same page.

And you never know, you might discover something entirely new about your partner. 

Paired app review: 4 months later

It could be easy to dismiss the apparent simplicity of an app like Paired - but what I learnt with my partner when we trialled the app has stuck with me in the months since I've stopped using the app: a compliment can go a long way, even when you've been together for well over a decade, and that communication is key.

I've learnt it's important to keep an open mind going forward and to remind yourself, what's the worst that can happen when you try something new? 

Paired app: free vs premium

To use Paired to its full extent, you need to be signed up for the Premium subscription (£5.40 per week). This allows you full access to the whole library of content - including all the Question Packs, games, quizzes, exercises, questions, and longer reads and video clips by certified relationship experts - at any time. 

The free version of the Paired app is good for those wanting to explore what the app is all about. It includes a free question during the week (from Monday to Saturday) and a couples' quiz on Sunday. As each question only lasts 24 hours though, if you miss it, you won't be able to go back and answer it when it's gone. It'll be replaced by a new question the next day. However, if you have the Premium version, you can go back and find the question in the archives and answer it together.

When you sign up for Paired Premium, only one of you in the couple has to pay. One Premium subscription enables Premium access for both partners. Two for the price of one, you might say.  

Together, we only used the Paired app for a couple of weeks. But even just this act of trying something new as a couple can help foster more intimacy in your relationship, Dr Lawless says. "It's about being vulnerable together. That means being able to be really seen, imperfections and all. By revealing our true selves, we can fully know we are enough and are loved for who we truly are. It's the bedrock of how to be happy in a relationship," she says.