Getting divorced is one of life’s most stressful events – a process that can be full of uncertainty, anger, hurt, confusion and worry. But divorce can also bring about an end to unhappiness and even abuse, and can lead to a new-found sense of freedom and authenticity. And there are ways to part amicably, as we explain in the article, ‘Divorce doesn’t mean disaster’.
In recent years, there has been a rise in ‘grey’ divorces – perhaps, in part, because women are reaching a certain age and decide that they’d rather separate than stay in an unhappy marriage for the rest of their lives. This is highlighted in a recent survey by midlife women’s networking site NOON – the organisation’s report ‘Beyond the Break: the truth about divorce in midlife for women’ gives some fascinating insights into the feelings and outcomes of women post-divorce.
For example, a third of the divorced women who took part reported ‘high levels of relief, happiness and freedom’ and being ‘happier than they have ever been’. The downsides? Women still lack the expert knowledge and emotional support that’s needed to undertake such a stressful process, with less than a third of women (29%) understanding their financial situation prior to their divorce. In fact, 65% of divorced women had concerns about their financial wellbeing, yet just 9% of divorced women had taken financial advice. Here, 11 women talk about the impact divorce had on them.
Divorced women share their stories
1) “There is no single hard part about divorce – there are many!” says Jess, who is the founder of The WomenHood, which delivers talks and workshops in businesses and communities to close gender gaps. Jess, who recently divorced after 10 years of marriage, names some of the difficulties she faced. “The very un-ADHD-friendly legal processes, which are heavily form-based; the confusion and isolation of not knowing where to turn or who to trust; the rage I often felt at the injustice of a system (and a patriarchal society) that fails women and mothers during separation and divorce – often financially.”
In addition to going through a divorce, women like Jess may be dealing with ageing or ill parents, raising children, working, menopause and managing their own diagnoses (in Jess’s case, her late-identified neurodivergence and premature menopause). “Fortunately, the positives more than outweigh the tricky parts,” says Jess. “I've learnt the hard way that divorce can be our greatest catalyst for positive change. I’ve been to the depths of darkness and back again more times than I can count during the last five years. Admittedly, those dark holes did, at times, feel hopeless. Now I look back and recognise that they were essential lessons I needed to learn: boundaries; speaking up; financial confidence; understanding my own patterns of behaviour and – crucially – asking for help.”
2) The same year her father died, Lisa was faced with the prospect of divorce after 10 years of marriage. It was a very challenging period in her life. “Mine was protracted, acrimonious, and expensive, which took its toll both financially and emotionally. Also, the guilt – I felt as though I'd let my son down. Now, post-divorce, the worst part is not seeing my son every day as we share custody.”
But there has been numerous positives. "We’d been trapped in a cycle of arguments, resentment and blame, and the end of the marriage marked the end of that pattern. Eventually, it felt as though a constant emotional weight had lifted from my shoulders, and I could breathe again.” Lisa is getting remarried next year. “My son has a fantastic relationship with my fiancé and it’s given me the chance to show him what a healthy adult relationship looks like. We often disagree, but we resolve arguments quickly and without cruelty. Our home is now peaceful and stable.”
3) “We were best friends since university and in a relationship since my late 20s,” explains 'anonymous', but today he’s only allowed contact “through a third party if there’s is an emergency with the kids.”
There were – and still are – many challenges. “Not seeing the kids when they are with their dad. Being taken to court to try in an attempt to throw me and the kids out of our home. Having finances cut completely. The obvious sad cruelty directed at me. Seeing how all this affected my parents’ health to the point they’re no longer here,” she says. But now – after being divorced for a year – life has improved and she enjoys being free, with time to direct energy and attention to things that are important. “I’m very proud of myself and I know my parents would be too. There is much more to life than a divorce. But at the time it’s all encompassing and constant love and support is needed every step of the way. Educate yourself – it helps.”
4) Married for eight years and divorced for five, 'anonymous' now has a friendly, co-parenting relationship with her ex-husband, but the divorce was a testing time. “The day me and the kids moved out of the family home was tough. My mum was helping and I remember her saying, ‘Well at least it’s your choice’. I remember thinking that although I’d instigated the break it really wasn’t a choice – no one would choose the upheaval or the upset for their children or themselves.”
Things are better now, but they're also harder. “My marriage was so bad it wasn’t a difficult decision, but I worry I won't meet anyone else – I don’t really know what my romantic future looks like, which when I talk to my bored, married friends I feel quite good about," she says. "My friends in long-term relationships struggle with the idea that their future looks predictable and many are in relationships without intimacy, while I’ve had some flings and relationships since the break-up that have been exciting and life-affirming.” While she's currently single, she remains resolute that divorce was the right option. “I feel I’ve been brave, and I’m showing my children that you can leave a bad relationship if you need to.”
5) Finances were a thorny issue throughout divorce proceedings for 'anonymous', who met her ex at university, when she was 18. They were married for 30 years and together for 36. “The hardest part was the division of finances and the issue of who pays for the children and for how long. The short-term impact was traumatic for them – family and professional support was necessary – but, in the long run, the end result has been overwhelmingly positive for the children,” she says.
Life has been on the up since. “My life changed infinitely for the better the minute my husband left the family home. This took six months to achieve, but eventually he accepted that this was the best outcome for the children.”
6) After spending years post-divorce trying to understand what happened, Lucy – who was married for six years – read Vikki Stark’s book ‘Runaway Husbands’ and had a lightbulb moment. “Chapter 13, The Covert Narcissist Husband and The Empath Wife, reflected our relationship. It was as though the scales fell from my eyes, and I finally got closure.” Her life these days, says Lucy, is “a second life I never expected to have. My priorities are completely different from what they were, and in a good way. Although divorce was painful, it triggered significant personal growth, and I now realise that my ex-husband didn’t deserve me. I don’t regret marrying him, and I don’t regret divorcing him. He was a stepping stone in my life.”
7) Jennifer describes divorce as an “upheaval on every level.” It’s so much to process, she says, while managing school, work, the legal process, and trying to project what your finances will look like. “Our friends often tell me we had ‘a good divorce’. I’m not sure there’s just one version of a ‘good divorce’ but I’m really happy that when I think back on our time together, it hasn’t been soured. It helped that we hammered out a lot of elements ourselves before going to the lawyers.”
What is, perhaps, less discussed is that when women divorce, they often lose contact with their ex-husband’s family, which can be very painful. “It was devastating as they’ve been so important in my life,” says Jennifer. “But while my relationship with them has changed a lot, we still have one and I’m really grateful for that.”
At first, Jennifer admits that she felt that her life was over at 50. “This important relationship and his family were going away and I’d never meet anyone again and never be happy. I think about this now and it seems a little funny, but I did feel cast adrift emotionally. The legal bit was easy to handle in comparison!” But now, Jennifer is reaping the benefits. “I feel more motivated to pursue my creative goals. I feel that it’s great to be able to focus on things that are important to me, without the compromise that’s necessary in a marriage. In a new relationship, I’m able to establish boundaries and expectations from the beginning. Before I divorced, I was really afraid, and I still don’t know the answer to ‘what will become of me?’ but now the meaning of the question is completely different. It’s exciting that I’m crafting the life that I want.”
8) “He holds onto a lot of anger and resentment,” says Julia, about her ex, who she was married to for seven years. Things are still fractious, though they speak about the children. The process was – and still is – hard emotionally. “He lied a lot to try and ‘get people onside’ and my in-laws don’t really speak to me anymore as they wrongly believe I had an affair! And negotiating holidays and Christmas is always painful and makes the kids feel guilty.”
The financial repercussions were also a shock, and he was unwilling to contribute to the children. “He was the main earner and a wealthy man so it took some years to recover from that,” says Julia. In fact – and this will resonate with many women – getting her husband to sign the papers was the hardest part. “It took years and was very frustrating. Agreeing the financials was also really tricky; I accepted ridiculously small child maintenance payments and no spousal just to make it end.” But the divorce has given Julia her life back. “When the kids go to their dad, I get free time which I’ve not had for 16 years. I love the peace and calm and knowing that the house is mine. I’m financially secure and enjoy my freedom. The divorce pushed me to focus on my career and now I have a wonderful career that I’m so proud of. And I have had lovely partners, but I would never marry again.”
9) An uncertain financial future worries Rachel, who was with her ex for 33 years and married for 20 of those. “Life is good, but I worry about whether I have enough pension funds, for example." Like many women, Rachel found the formal process slow, although splitting finances was fortunately relatively stress-free. “I’ve always worked and it was relatively even between us both."
Now 54 years old, Rachel has been divorced for about two years. Today, the most communication she has with her ex is focused on their adult children and she’s grateful she no longer has to “deal with his childish behaviour." Rachel has a new partner, but she’s found her friendship group has changed. “People find a single woman hard to deal with," she says.
10) In her mid-fifties, after 28 years of marriage, Louise had to contend with a divorce. The hardest part? "Why?" she says. “Why did he decide someone else was better than me?” Three years later, Louise, who lives in Denbighshire, says she’s still dealing with the fallout. “I’m financially crippled by the mortgage just to stay in my own home, and I’ve no chance of retirement. But he was a burden to me financially and socially, and day-to-day life and my social life is equally good or better without his negativity.”
11) Faith got married in 1987, separated in 2019, and divorced a year ago when both her children were adults. “One struggled, though, as they felt it would be their responsibility to look after the father,” she says. The hardest part of the process for Faith was “getting the paperwork signed by him.” But the financial agreement that came with the divorce means he can no longer threaten to go after my earnings or pension,” says Faith. “I left with nothing to make disconnecting as quick as possible – I’ve started from scratch.”
How does she feel these days? “Better. I have no one controlling me. My stress levels are much reduced and I can see a future of peace. It’s hard to live alone, as loneliness is tough, but that’s more the children moving on. I’m not missing him at all.”
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