A match flared and then voom! Up went a pile of wedding photos in flames. A moment later my girlfriends and I were stabbing a huge, tiered cake to death, in a shower of crumbs. Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive was blaring from the speakers.
After 30 years of marriage, my girlfriend Angela* discovered her spouse lying face down, naked, on his curvaceous personal trainer. Her husband’s marriage vows clearly should have said: ‘Till death us do part… or till someone hotter comes along.’ A husband-ectomy shortly followed. Angela’s divorce party is the third I’ve been to this year.
My daughter and I are party animals, but at the moment we are at very different ends of the celebration spectrum. While my dear girl heads off every weekend for a wedding, to throw confetti and catch bouquets, I’m licking black icing off a Dead Groom cake topper, dyeing wedding veils black and placing engagement rings in tiny coffins.
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Matilda, Jo, Penny and Cressy are all women at the top of their game; so imagine their surprise when they start to be personally overlooked and professionally pushed aside by less-qualified men. Only they're not going down without a fight. Society might think the women have passed their amuse-by dates but the Revenge Club have other plans.
Divorce party season is here
If you’re enjoying a long, happy marriage… well, you’re a winner in life’s lottery. But 42% of British marriages now end in divorce. Affairs, alcoholism, squandering life savings on Bitcoin – the divorce gripe list is long.
But instead of going for a medal in the women’s long-distance cross-bearing, dumped wives are now going on a raucous girls’ nights out, instead. No more sobbing into books entitled Why Husbands Leave Their Wives and Why It’s All Your Fault, You Middle-Aged Frump.
No. The first step to female healing is now a cathartic celebration of cake-smashing and wedding-dress-slashing.
All my divorced girlfriends have had rock-solid reasons for unknotting their nuptials. The day after Jenny’s* silver wedding anniversary, her hubby suddenly announced that he could only really enjoy sex if he brought along his best friend… a gay manicurist called Merlin.
My actor chum cited irreconcilable differences, especially when it came to dental hygiene. Apparently her spouse seemed to think it was OK to put another woman’s tongue in his mouth.
Divorce party etiquette
If asked to a divorce party, your main job is to trash your friend’s ex. I suggest you use one of the following lines: ‘I can’t believe you married the only living brain donor in human history.’ ‘How tall is he? So I can order his body bag.’ Or ‘Your ex-hubby’s as useful as a solar-powered vibrator on a rainy day.’
Your other task is to make sure your pal doesn’t drive after drinking. No police officer is going to be moved by the fact your girlfriend feels the need to keep her car with her at all times, just so it won’t leave her for a younger owner.
Of late, I’ve prevented one tipsy divorcee from dancing naked on a table top and another from setting fire to her husband’s suits… proof that the best gift you can give a heartbroken friend is love, loyalty and laughter. The lesson I’m passing on to my daughter? Husbands may come and go, but girlfriends remain faithful.
*Names have been changed
This article first appeared in the June 2025 issue of woman&home magazine. Subscribe to the magazine for £6 for 6 issues.
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