‘I’m at a crossroads in my relationship, what can I do?’ Our columnist Anna Richardson shares her advice

Hands up if you've never wondered what a partner was thinking. It's fair to say that most of us have had moments of this, whether it's on a small thing like what they really think of our new haircut, or a bigger issue like 'where's this relationship going?'

The reader who wrote to ask my advice in this Ask Anna column expressed a desire for greater commitment from her boyfriend. But she's also worried about how to broach the subject with him, as he is very close (physically and emotionally) to his adult children and his grandchildren.

Our reader's question

"I am at a turning point in my relationship. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for three years; we are both in our 50s and had been friends before getting together. But we are long-distance, and I worry that we want different things.

"I’d love him to move closer, but he lives near his grown-up children and grandchildren and shows no sign of wanting to spend more time with me by being closer. Nor does he say he wants me to relocate.

"His children are still dependent on him so I understand his reasons for not moving, but I want our lives to move forward. How can I tell him without appearing resentful of his family ties?”

Anna's Advice

First of all, it’s entirely understandable that you feel the way you do. You’re three years into a relationship, so it’s natural that you would want to take things to the next level, especially after the long-distance effort you’ve put in.

It sounds as though his loyalty to his family and his loyalty to you are starting to be at odds, so I’m not surprised you feel less than a priority. I also admire you for wanting to approach this sensitively so as not to appear to be the bad guy.

However, to all intents and purposes, your man is getting the best of both worlds, so it’s time to shift the balance more in your favour.

So, much as it may stick in your craw, start a conversation with him about your future by framing it as an expression of your commitment rather than a demand. Tell him how much you appreciate the relationship you’ve built together and how meaningful it is to you. Explain that you’d really like your lives to feel more connected on a daily basis.

And emphasise that you respect how close he is to his kids and that you’d like to be a part of that too.

That way, he’s more likely to accept that your intentions are about deepening your bond, not about pulling him away from others he loves. If he can see this as a positive step rather than a threat to his existing responsibilities, he may feel more open to discussing what the options are with you. The key is to convey your feelings as a desire to be close to him, rather than a dissatisfaction with who else you have to share him with.

Have you ever actually asked him how he sees the future with you? Sometimes, we think we know what our partner is thinking, but thoughts are not facts and, more often than not, our assumptions are wrong.

Grab the nettle and ask him how he sees the two of you progressing in the years to come. His answer will give you an insight into what, if anything, is going on in his head and whether your goals align. Often, having these conversations can reveal surprising things about your partner’s hopes and may even highlight options you hadn’t considered.

His family commitments may make a full relocation difficult, so think about solutions that could work for you both.

Would he be open to an arrangement where he visits more frequently or can stay for longer? Or could you explore ways to spend more time together as his family situation evolves?

His children may rely on him now, but as they are grown up, their demands on him may change as they become more independent. Even acknowledging the possibility of flexibility might help him see that a future with you doesn’t necessarily mean compromising his role as a parent.

I’m going to end where I started by saying that you’re not being unreasonable for wanting a future that feels shared. You’re simply at a point where you need to be heard and understood. Where you need to be put first for once. Where you can feel safe. And a good relationship will make space for that. I do hope you both achieve it.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.