‘I’m worried about my daughter’s relationship – should I speak up?’

It's a question we've all asked our friends: should you voice concerns over someone's choice of partner, or leave them to lie in the bed they've made for themselves?

This dilemma can feel tough enough when you're concerned about someone your friend is dating, but if it's your child? Ouch, biting your tongue on that one must really sting.

So we come to our reader's dilemma in this column, which I can offer my personal experience and professional advice on.

To speak up, or not?

Our reader's dilemma, in her words, is: "My daughter hasn’t had many boyfriends and has always ended up being the one rejected.

"She’s been seeing a lad for a couple of years now and, although he’s not who I would have chosen for her, they seem to get along.

"They moved in together six months ago, and as she’s 30, I know she’s thinking about babies. I’m trying to be open-minded but his family background is quite dysfunctional, he suffers from depression now and then, and I’m afraid for their future with the strain of having children.

"I’m torn between knowing she’s an adult and I shouldn’t interfere, but also feeling that I should share my concern. Of course, it might all go better than my fears suggest – I just want them to be happy. Do you think I should I say something?"

In my experience...

Let me tell you about a young woman I knew who got involved with a guy who was completely unsuitable for her. He was a performer who toured with a rotating door of female fans hanging on his every word and played in dingy dives that looked like crime scenes.

But, boy, was he hot… and for a while, it looked like they were in love.

He had a dysfunctional background, she came from a fractured family, they both had periods where they struggled with anxiety and depression, but they had an understanding – a bond – and despite all the warnings from friends and family, she still pursued him, convinced that she could make it work.

Until it didn’t. Her heart broke, she yearned and she fawned, but eventually she was able to move on. And now she looks back and thinks, ‘Thank God that didn’t work out…’

I know this because that young woman was me – and the lessons I’ve learnt from that period of my life have been invaluable, in spite of the people who love me trying to stop me.

Steady the path she's on

So, first things first. I hear the love and protection in every word you’ve written. You’re not judging your daughter for the sake of it – you’re anxious about her future and wondering whether it will hold joy or pain. That’s completely natural.

And as a mum, even though your baby girl is 30, you still want to wrap her up in bubble wrap and say, ’Don’t go there. It might hurt.’

But here’s the truth. She has already gone there. She has chosen this relationship, with all its complexities, and she’s living that choice.

Which means that your job, if I may gently suggest, isn’t to steer her away from it – it’s to steady the path she is already on.

Addressing the boyfriend's mental health challenges

You mention that her boyfriend suffers from depression and has a difficult family background.

But then let me ask you, how many families do you know that are perfect? Where there’s no conflict? No difficulty? I don’t know any.

Remember, dysfunction doesn’t necessarily breed dysfunction. Many people rise beautifully from chaotic roots, and mental health challenges don’t mean someone can’t be a loving, stable partner or parent.

The key is how those challenges are being managed. Is he getting help? Are they able to talk honestly? Are they building resilience together?

Plant seeds of experience

Sharing your concern is normal. But, instead of voicing your fears to her head-on (which might sound like criticism), just consider her perspective first and approach the conversation from that point of view.

You want her to open up, not shut down completely. And if you’re truly worried about the future strain of parenthood, then gently plant seeds of experience, not doubts.

Encourage them to explore counselling together or have conversations about support systems before they take the leap. Not because you don’t trust them – but because you do.

Anna advises our readers on relationship issues of all sorts, from friends who make everything about them, to disputes with neighbours, to managing a sulky colleague, to addressing health concerns for a loved one to navigating an empty nest and wondering if a husband is having a kinky midlife crisis, with a new Ask Anna column published in woman&home magazine every month.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.