Do I really need to know the correct way to address a marquis or which fork to use for the fish? People who worry about using the wrong fork can fork off.
The matters that matter most in 2025 are more to do with mobile phone usage, as in, not talking to someone on it while a red-blooded, fully vocalising human is sitting right in front of you waiting for a real-life chinwag [that's called 'phubbing', by the way].
We clearly need an etiquette update...
My Lette-quette list
1. Be flexible about food
Top of the list would be to keep your food preferences to yourself. I was hosting a dinner party recently and asked guests if they had any dietary requirements. By the time I’d taken into account the pescatarians, vegans, anti-dairy and non-carb cultists, all I could safely serve the group was a bowl of skimmed unicorn breath.
In short, when asked "Is there anything you can’t stomach?" the only acceptable answer is "Yes, Trump."
2. Keep gossip to yourself
Gossip is another way to find yourself exiled into social Siberia. It’s so tempting to indulge, but most of us are hopeless at it.
So many times I’ve divulged a juicy bit of tittle-tattle then realised, by the mortified look on the recipient’s face, that the story is actually about them. Gulp!
3. Be considerate in the car
Car-related discourtesies drive us mad too. Never hurry, honk or even look at someone attempting to parallel park. Executing this high-risk manoeuvre requires the precision of an Olympic gymnast and the intuition of a homing pigeon.
If in the passenger seat, it is even more imperative that you say nothing, or face being flung on to the road and run over repeatedly like an inconvenient speed bump.
And parking your SUV city-tank where two cars could easily fit is not just peak entitlement but very bad car-ma.
4. Keep calls to yourself
Talking loudly on your phone while on public transport breaks all good conduct codes.
Mouthing off on speakerphone is doubly irksome, as fellow passengers are then forced to find out just how inane, boring or bitchy all your friends are too.
What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever done? A bikini wax? Sung solo at karaoke? Attending Tina Brown’s ‘Truth Tellers’ summit recently, I was awestruck to meet so many journalists and human rights campaigners who risk their lives to bring us the facts. One of the most impressive was Yulia Navalnaya, the widow of murdered Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny. Her determination to carry on his work inspires us to be braver in our own way, every day.
Kathy's wickedly witty new novel is out now: Matilda, Jo, Penny and Cressy are all women at the top of their game; so imagine their surprise when they start to be personally overlooked and professionally pushed aside by less-qualified men. Only they're not going down without a fight. Society might think the women have passed their amuse-by dates but the Revenge Club have other plans.
Other lip-pursing no-nos? Pushing on to the train before alighting commuters have had a chance to get off; secretly sneaking an episode of a TV series you’re supposed to be watching with your partner; asking a teenager what they want to be when they grow up. "Why?" they’ll simply retort, "Looking for some ideas?"
There are just so many potential gaffs waiting to trip us up.
But I suppose the worst faux pas of all is to foist your behavioural tips on to others. Is there anything ruder than telling people they’re rude? Let alone pontificating in a magazine about it. Bloody cheek!
Yep. Etiquette can be very bad-mannered indeed.
Kathy Lette writes her amusing columns on all sorts of topics, from faking orgasms to camaraderie at divorce parties to going makeup-free, avoiding DIY and why it's easier to be a man. A new column is published in woman&home magazine every month.
This article first appeared in the October 2025 issue of woman&home magazine. Subscribe to the magazine for £6 for 6 issues.
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