Even those who've been through breakups many times before find it difficult to start moving on from a relationship that's lasted years, if not decades. There's no rulebook or instruction manual for how it should go but the experts have some key tips that may help.
Whether it's the result of boundaries being crossed and dealbreakers in a relationship being reached or simply falling out of love and being unable to revive the romance, there are numerous valid reasons why a breakup is a good idea. Just because it's the right thing to do though, doesn't make it easy.
As love and relationship coach Heather Garbutt says, "When we divorce or break up, especially after a long time, we experience profound emotional trauma. The feeling of loss, often experienced as abandonment may feel like the most profound of threats to our identity and survival. It can feel as if we are a child being left by a mother. We can feel so exposed and vulnerable. Even if you are the one who initiates the separation, you can still experience this."
How to move on from a relationship when you've been together a long time
1. Take care of the essentials
In times of peak stress and grief, many people find themselves reverting to earlier stages of development. With your nervous system frayed, you might find yourself in a constant flux of fight or flight. So, taking a step back and actively focusing should be the first thing you do, says Garbutt.
"Be mindful of what you eat, get enough sleep, and take time to soothe and relax yourself," says the coach, who specialises in 'conscious uncoupling'. "You are likely in shock, so be kind to yourself and do whatever calms and nurtures you. It might be cosying up at night on the sofa, having a bath, exercising, reading, listening to music, crafting, whatever feels good."
Heather Garbutt has been a psychotherapist for over 40 years and a Love and Relationship Coach for the last 7 years. She specialises in coaching people who have been disappointed in their love relationships to find true, committed, romantic love. Last year she contributed to 3 marriages, 4 new relationships and 2 new babies for women and men who had given up on the possibility of these joys in their lives. She has her own podcast, “Revolutionise Your Love Life”, and a regular blog, and writes regularly for the media.
2. Create some distance
Going from being married and living with someone to not seeing them can be bewildering - or a total relief, depending on the nature of the relationship. Either way, it's important to create some physical and mental distance from your now ex-partner.
While harder to do if you share a mortgage, children, and so on, living separately and not interacting with each other for a period may be beneficial for everyone involved.
In the age of the internet, if your ex-partner is active on social media, this also means distancing yourself from this. "Looking at your ex's social media, while it's tempting for obvious reasons, is probably the biggest mistake people make. It keeps you emotionally invested, making moving on that much more difficult," says Kendra Capalbo, LICSW, a licensed therapist and the founder of Concierge Couples Counseling.
The same suggestion applies to looking at the social media of a mutual friend who may post pictures of your ex-partner or talk about them online. "People tend to post photos that make their lives look perfect, even when that is not the case. So it is easy to have your feelings hurt when you see your ex has moved on seemingly without hurt or hesitation at all, even if that is not the case," she says.
Kendra Capalbo is a licensed couples therapist and founder of Concierge Couples Counseling. She offers unique marital counseling, and therapy services, infidelity and affair Recovery Therapy and couples sex and intimacy therapy. A firm believer that our romantic relationships are the nucleus of our lives, Kendra believes in the power of investing in those relationships as a key to overall success in life.
3. Focus on the positives
Sometimes moving on from a relationship is simply about getting through one day and into another. Time is the biggest healer and all that. So, to lift your mood daily, Garbutt suggests you look at what's good in life right now.
"Ask yourself, 'what am I grateful for? What can I pat myself on the back for? What can I appreciate another person for? What am I feeling? What do I need?'," she says.
"Post-traumatic growth is the name given to the changes we can make from painful times, so treat this as an opportunity for growth, deeper self-understanding, and invest in your future," she says. "All these steps will help you heal and develop a further knowledge of yourself, your relationship skills, and your ability to create the life and relationships you want in the future."
4. Reach out to honest friends
Emotional support is essential during this time and as much as having someone physically support you by taking care of the non-essentials, like cooking the occasional meal or taking the dog out for a walk on a down day. However, Garbutt suggests choosing that emotional support carefully.
"Those who support you out of the best of intentions [and help you] feel like the one who has been hard done by and blame the other person will not truly serve you in the long-term," she says. "This is not to excuse any bad behaviour by your ex, but for your health and wellbeing in the future, it will be better to get out of only feeling like the victim and ask yourself some serious questions."
5. Work out what kind of relationship you want with your ex-partner
Moving on from a relationship in the months and years after it's over means choosing the relationship you want with your ex-partner. "It could be that you want nothing more to do with them," says Garbutt. "If you don't have children, that's fairly straightforward. If you have children, how can you move to a basic cooperative relationship with your ex?"
While it can be tempting to burn bridges, depending on the situation, the coach advises against acting too quickly on the feelings you have right now. "You may be feeling all sorts but do you want this to create the shape of your future with them?" she asks.
6. Don't try and become friends too quickly
Equally, however, if the relationship ended amicably then there is another pitfall to avoid: trying to become friends too quickly.
"I am a firm believer that couples can remain friends after a breakup, but I think it is necessary first to have a healing period of separation," says Capalbo.
"If you try to be friends too quickly, it can be hard to move on. Being friends removes a lot of the stress that may have caused the relationship to end [and many common relationship issues], so moving into the friend zone can cause a false sense that everything would be okay if you tried to get back together," she says. "If you allow those feelings to stay active, it is hard to open yourself up to other opportunities and move on. Closing the door completely, at least initially, allows you to move on and then, if you desire, attempt friendship down the line."
7. Take up a new hobby
If your relationship and friendships were all intertwined as many often are, or you were in a co-dependent relationship, you may need to get back out there and learn how to make friends as an adult.
Finding a new hobby can help with this and offer something else to focus on during the time you'd otherwise be spending with your partner.
"Introducing a new hobby into your life can provide an opportunity to create fresh, independent memories that are completely separate from your past relationship. Unlike activities you may have shared with your ex, a new hobby can bring joy and fulfilment while allowing you to focus on personal growth and self-discovery," says Capalbo. "It offers a chance to explore new talents and interests and embrace individuality outside the relationship."
8. Avoid dating again too quickly
Much like how it's advisable to wait before becoming friends with an ex, if you're interested in dating again, it's better to hold off until you feel you're truly ready to meet someone new.
Although it very much depends on the situation - for example, if you were separated for a while before officially breaking up, you may be ready to move on - entering the dating pool again too quickly can lead to a rebound relationship and there is real value in learning how to be happy alone.
"A rebound relationship is just that, a rebound. Usually, you don’t take much care in picking out a person to date as a rebound, and as a result, they will likely not be a good fit," says Capalbo. "This can cause you to feel like perhaps you made a mistake ending the previous relationship. It is important to take your time, truly heal, and enter the dating world when you are ready to find a good match and not just a quick one."
9. Seek professional help when needed
As noted by both experts, a breakup is a type of trauma - no matter your age or previous relationship experience. In some cases, it may be worth finding a therapist who can help you with moving on from a relationship.
"You can do all of this on your own, but it’s so much more difficult when you feel alone, bereft and in turmoil already," says Garbutt. "With the best will in the world, you can’t think outside of your own box."
Capalbo agrees. "Self-reflection is crucial after the end of a long-term relationship. Therapy can provide a supportive environment for identifying areas of personal growth, understanding what you need and want in future relationships, and processing your emotions. It can be a valuable tool for gaining insight, healing from past wounds, and moving toward a healthier and more fulfilling personal and relational life."
How long does it take to get over someone?
Researchers from Northwestern University looked into this and though the research was conducted on young adults, they made an interesting conclusion: some people start to feel better at the 11-week mark, which is about three months, post-breakup. Needless to say though, it's not a timeline that can be applied to everyone. It will entirely depend on individual circumstances and relationships.
It can take years for some people to properly start move on from a relationship. "A break-up is a bereavement and you will have all sorts of feelings associated with the losses, such as anxiety, sadness and anger, loss of control and uncertainty about the future," says Garbutt. "You have lost the life you were living and the future you imagined."
Part of the reason why breakups are so difficult, Garbutt adds, is that many people don't grieve the relationship they had when it ended. They grieve and still long for the person their partner was at the beginning of the relationship, who is no longer that person, or they long for the person their partner was trying to be.
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