Who says midlife women don't have a sense of humour? Not us!
Below you'll find a selection ofveryrude jokes originally posted on the Woman & Home forum.
Read on for a good chuckle - but not if you're easily offended!
A woman wakes up after a vaginal tuck to find three bunches of flowers on her window sill.
One from her surgeon, to say "all went well".
One from her husband, "get well soon", and he loved her.
One from Tommy in the burns unit, to say "Thank you for the new ears"!
The 5 stages of married sex...
1. Smurf sex - when you first meet and sh*g 'til your blue in the face.
2. Kitchen sex - when you have been together a short while and you will do it anywhere in the house.
3. Bedroom sex - sex is routine, and you will only sh*g in bed on the occasional night.
4. Hallway sex - you pass each other in the hallway, and both say f**k you.
5. Court room sex - he takes you to court, and screws you in front of 20 strangers.
Q: What's the difference between divorce and circumcision?
A: With divorce you get rid of the whole knob
Why men aren't agony aunts...
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband at home watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than half a mile down the road when the car conked out and shuddered to a halt. I walked back home and and couldn't believe my eyes when I found my husband in bed with our next door neighbour. Iam 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted the affair had been going on for 6 months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant nearly a year ago and and says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him any more. Can you help please.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance could be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and check the grounding wires. If none of these approaches helps, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
Hope this helps,
The woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.
Learn how to apply eye cream to get the most from your routine
Wondering how to apply eye cream for best results? Check out this guide
By Ayesha Muttucumaru •
The best winter coats for women will see you through a cold spell in style
Our round-up of the best winter coats has got all styles covered, from timeless trench coats to cosy puffers
By Jess Beech •
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle listed as Time's Most Influential People 2021
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are joined on the coveted list by people including Simone Biles and Shonda Rhimes
By Rylee Johnston •
Britney Spears worries fans as she takes social media break soon after announcing engagement
Britney Spears fans are concerned as the star has deactivated her Instagram days after announcing her engagement
By Laura Harman •
Lilibet's christening plans causing 'mayhem' for the Queen, says royal expert
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly hoping to christen their daughter, Lilibet 'Lili' Diana, at Windsor Castle
By Emma Dooney •
Kate Middleton stuns in Reiss blazer at event close to Prince William's heart—her first appearance in over 2 months
Kate Middleton's first public appearance in months sees the royal in an incredibly chic and versatile must have blazer
By Aoife Hanna •
The best candle advent calendars 2021: new launches by Yankee Candle, Jo Malone, and more
Discover the best candle advent calendars for 2021 - what's currently on the shelves versus what's coming soon
By Dominique McIntee •
Shamima Begum pleads for forgiveness after joining ISIS—'I did not know it was a death cult'
Shamima Begum has apologized to the British public for joining ISIS as a teenager
By Emma Dooney •
Where does Princess Beatrice live with her husband Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi?
Princess Beatrice and her husband Edo are due to welcome their first baby in autumn 2021—so where will the nursery be?
By Amy Hunt •
Maid Netflix—all you need to know about the Stephanie Land drama starring Andie MacDowell and her real-life daughter
The new Maid Netflix drama is packed with emotion, determination and fresh starts...
By Emma Shacklock •