A selection of very rude jokes from Woman & Home readers

Who says midlife women don't have a sense of humour? Not us!

Below you’ll find a selection of very rude jokes originally posted on the Woman & Home forum.

Read on for a good chuckle – but not if you’re easily offended!

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A woman wakes up after a vaginal tuck to find three bunches of flowers on her window sill.

One from her surgeon, to say “all went well”.

One from her husband, “get well soon”, and he loved her.

One from Tommy in the burns unit, to say “Thank you for the new ears”!

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The 5 stages of married sex…

1. Smurf sex – when you first meet and sh*g ’til your blue in the face.

2. Kitchen sex – when you have been together a short while and you will do it anywhere in the house.

3. Bedroom sex – sex is routine, and you will only sh*g in bed on the occasional night.

4. Hallway sex – you pass each other in the hallway, and both say f**k you.

5. Court room sex – he takes you to court, and screws you in front of 20 strangers.

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Q: What’s the difference between divorce and circumcision?

A: With divorce you get rid of the whole knob 

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Why men aren’t agony aunts…

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband at home watching TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than half a mile down the road when the car conked out and shuddered to a halt. I walked back home and and couldn’t believe my eyes when I found my husband in bed with our next door neighbour. Iam 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted the affair had been going on for 6 months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant nearly a year ago and and says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counselling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him any more. Can you help please.

Sincerely,

Amanda

Dear Amanda,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance could be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and check the grounding wires. If none of these approaches helps, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

Hope this helps,

Walter

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The woman asked the pharmacist, “Do you have Viagra?”

“Yes,” he answered.

She asked, “Does it work?”

“Yes,” he answered.

She said, “Can you get it over the counter?”

“I can, if I take two,” he replied.

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