Who says midlife women don't have a sense of humour? Not us!
Below you'll find a selection ofveryrude jokes originally posted on the Woman & Home forum.
Read on for a good chuckle - but not if you're easily offended!
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A woman wakes up after a vaginal tuck to find three bunches of flowers on her window sill.
One from her surgeon, to say "all went well".
One from her husband, "get well soon", and he loved her.
One from Tommy in the burns unit, to say "Thank you for the new ears"!
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The 5 stages of married sex...
1. Smurf sex - when you first meet and sh*g 'til your blue in the face.
2. Kitchen sex - when you have been together a short while and you will do it anywhere in the house.
3. Bedroom sex - sex is routine, and you will only sh*g in bed on the occasional night.
4. Hallway sex - you pass each other in the hallway, and both say f**k you.
5. Court room sex - he takes you to court, and screws you in front of 20 strangers.
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Q: What's the difference between divorce and circumcision?
A: With divorce you get rid of the whole knob
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Why men aren't agony aunts...
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband at home watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than half a mile down the road when the car conked out and shuddered to a halt. I walked back home and and couldn't believe my eyes when I found my husband in bed with our next door neighbour. Iam 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted the affair had been going on for 6 months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant nearly a year ago and and says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him any more. Can you help please.
Sincerely,
Amanda
Dear Amanda,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance could be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and check the grounding wires. If none of these approaches helps, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
Hope this helps,
Walter
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The woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.
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Meghan Markle will celebrate her 40th with a low-key party—organized by Oprah's go-to party planner
Colin Cowie has organised big parties and events for A-list stars
By Sarah Finley •
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Princess Beatrice and her husband Edoardo are set to move into a £3m country retreat before the arrival of their baby
The Cotswolds house is said to have a swimming pool and party barn
By Sarah Finley •
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Meghan Markle will celebrate her 40th with a low-key party—organized by Oprah's go-to party planner
Colin Cowie has organised big parties and events for A-list stars
By Sarah Finley •
-
Princess Beatrice and her husband Edoardo are set to move into a £3m country retreat before the arrival of their baby
The Cotswolds house is said to have a swimming pool and party barn
By Sarah Finley •
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Simone Biles withdraws from the women's gymnastics floor finals at Tokyo Olympics
It's the second competition the gymnast has pulled out of, saying she has to 'put her mental health first'
By Sarah Finley •
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A slice of cake from Princess Diana's wedding is up for auction
The 40-year old cake from her 1981 wedding to Prince Charles is expected to go for £200
By Sarah Finley •
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A tribute to best-selling novelist Lucinda Riley—the woman behind the fantastic Seven Sisters series
With the sad news of Lucinda Riley's death, Books Editor Zoe West reflects on the time she spent talking to the author about her life and career
By Zoe West •
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Prime Minister Boris Johnson and wife Carrie Johnson are expecting their second child
The couple wed earlier this year and already have a son together
By Sarah Finley •
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Gillian Anderson is one of the world's most popular and versatile actors—and we're all baffled by her unique accent
Gillian Anderson is quite the chameleon. She glides from role to role (and accent to accent) with ease. But who is the woman behind the characters—and where is she actually from?
By Georgia Farquharson •
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The Crown: First look at Imelda Staunton as the Queen as she takes over from Olivia Colman
Imelda Staunton is taking over the role of the Queen from Olivia Colman
By Georgia Farquharson •
