'My colleague is snubbing me since my promotion' – our columnist Anna Richardson weighs in

There’s something wonderful about being a woman in her 50s, dishing out advice to other people, simply because I’ve personally lived and breathed this particular drama, and have the scars, learning and wisdom to prove it.

I’ve been on both sides of the issue in this Ask Anna column, in which a reader got a promotion at work and is struggling with the behaviour of a colleague she now has to manage. It's a common relationship issue that I was happy to offer some advice on.

Sulky colleague problem

The reader said: "I’ve worked in a senior admin role for many years and recently got a promotion. But the woman I work alongside – who I used to have a good relationship with – resents the fact I am now at a more senior level.

"I’m in the position of managing her and she is behaving like a sulky child, barely looking at me, and being obstructive in not delivering her work on time.

"She also invites other people in the office to join her at lunchtime, but cold-shoulders me. I don’t want to report her to HR, but how can I solve this?"

Adjusting to a new dynamic can be difficult

You and your colleague have my sympathy, because it can be so hard to adapt to a new way of working when one of you feels slighted. Regardless of the rights and wrongs, it’s clear that you’re both struggling. And that’s sad, particularly when you used to get along as colleagues.

First, though, let me congratulate you on your promotion. It’s important to acknowledge that achievement, and I hope you recognise it as much as your company does – because feeling valued, at work and in relationships, is essential.

What really struck me when I read your email were the words "she is behaving like a sulky child, barely looking at me, and being obstructive in not delivering her work on time." What does that sound like to you? To me, it comes across as an angry teenager acting out her hurt.

The root of the issue

In my experience, navigating the transition from colleague to manager is often fraught with challenges, because it disrupts the previously harmonious power dynamic and plays into the psychodrama of being the ‘preferred’.

You used to rub shoulders in the office on an equal footing, no doubt sisters-in-arms against the powers that be, eye-rolling the nonsensical decisions of upper management. But now you’ve become that management.

Sometimes it’s useful to look at team dynamics through the lens of a family, because our families and early years are where our behaviours are formed. Until recently, you were effectively siblings, and management were your parents. Now you’re in the position of parent, your colleague is kicking against your authority and becomes reduced to ‘sulky child’.

And what’s the best way to punish someone in a family? Cold-shoulder them and leave them feeling rejected.

So it may sound odd, but my advice is to use a combination of counselling and parenting skills.

It’s essential to understand that her behaviour stems from insecurity, jealousy and feeling undervalued. Recognising that will help you approach this situation from an empathetic point of view, rather than threats of HR.

Remember that your promotion doesn’t diminish her contributions, and she may need reassurance of her value in the team.

Initiate a conversation

Ask her for a private conversation in a neutral setting where you can both express yourselves calmly, then give her your observations without sounding accusatory.

Saying "let’s talk about how we can continue to work well together" sounds more solution-focused than "we need to talk about your behaviour."

Remember to use active listening by allowing her to express her feelings and grievances fully, without interruption. Acknowledge her emotions, even if you don’t agree with them.

Sometimes, just like a child, people need to feel heard and understood before they can move forward.

Be patient, and give her time. Remember, all anybody wants is a harmonious work environment where everyone can thrive. And by validating her feelings, you can begin to rebuild the camaraderie and trust that has been eroded by the change in your roles.

Anna advises our readers on relationship issues of all sorts, from friends who make everything about them, to disputes with neighbours, to addressing health concerns for a loved one to navigating an empty nest and wondering if a husband is having a kinky midlife crisis, with a new Ask Anna column published in woman&home magazine every month.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.