‘I’m worried my mother-in-law might have dementia – how can I help her?’

So many letters from readers resonate with me personally – and as the daughter of a parent with vascular dementia, this one particularly hit home.

The reader expressed a difficult situation: they have some serious concerns that her mother-in-law may be developing dementia, but feel lost themselves about how to broach the subject sensitively.

Not wanting to upset a loved one is natural, but health concerns of all kinds need to be addressed promptly, as the reader knows. Luckily, I have plenty of advice to share on this topic.

Dementia concerns

Our reader wrote: "My husband’s mother, who’s in her late 70s, has become very forgetful, is repeating herself and, when we mention it, is defensive. She recently went out and left a pan on the stove, which burnt out, thankfully.

"She’s also becoming socially withdrawn and we’ve realised she’s not taking her medicine, even though she says she has.

"We can’t suggest she gets a memory test as she’d be outraged, plus she has a real dread of ending up in a care home. What can we do?"

There are plenty of ways you can help

Last year, I made a film for Channel 4 called Anna Richardson: Love, Loss & Dementia about the devastating effect the condition can wreak on people living with it and their families. It features my dad, who has vascular dementia, and was one of the most painful things I’ve ever done.

Dementia is the biggest killer in the UK, there are around a million people living with it and two-thirds of those are women. So please believe me when I say my sympathy goes out to you.

It hurts, but there are plenty of ways you can support your mother-in-law without making her feel she’s losing control over her life.

Denial is natural; diagnosis critical

First, bear in mind that denial is a common reaction to cognitive decline. Most of us fear losing our independence, and any mention of memory problems can trigger feelings of anxiety.

It’s no surprise we end up minimising it and trying to manage it alone. Until, of course, something catastrophic happens.

Can I encourage you to seek a diagnosis as soon as you can?

There are many benefits to be gained – not least information to help you and your mother-in-law understand the changes she’s experiencing, treatments to help ease her symptoms and the right support to allow her to live as independently as possible.

Instead of pushing the idea of a ‘memory test’, it might help to take an indirect approach by encouraging her to have a general health check-up.

If you can, let the GP know about your concerns in advance – use Alzheimer’s Society’s symptoms checklist – it will be useful information for her doctor.

Seek practical support

The safety concerns you mention – leaving the pan on the stove and not taking her medication – suggest that she may need some practical support in her daily life.

Things like setting up a medication dispenser with alarms, using Post-it notes or a whiteboard for reminders, or introducing smart technology can help her stay independent while also keeping her safe.

If she’s comfortable with outside help, look at introducing a carer or someone to cook – perhaps presenting it as a way to lighten her load rather than implying she needs supervision.

How to reassure someone showing signs of dementia

It’s completely understandable that she has a fear of ending up in a care home. Many people equate a diagnosis of dementia with losing control over their life, but this isn’t necessarily the case. People with dementia can continue living in their own homes for a long time, especially if they receive the right support.

This is what my dad decided to do, and by discussing it while he still had capacity to do so gave him more control over his life, rather than less.

Try to reassure your mother-in-law that getting checked now means making sure she can stay in her own home for as long as possible – it doesn’t mean losing her independence.

This will be an emotional journey, and I wish you all the very best. Alzheimer’s Society has a fantastic website and its dedicated dementia advisers can help you deal with the journey ahead – please give them a call. They may well be the lifeline you come to rely on. Call the Dementia Support Line on 0333 150 3456.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.