We all want to live a life without limits, but somehow it just isn’t that easy, says Christabel Smith.
We put it down to our past, other people or circumstances, but the truth is, all that’s holding us back is the self sabotaging voice inside our own head. Happily, we have the power to shut that nagging old parrot up, and listen to something much kinder instead.
Stop self sabotaging
Do you sometimes feel you’re your own worst enemy? Perhaps you buy that bag you can’t really afford, eat doughnuts after a workout at the gym, wake up hungover before a job interview or put off saying yes to a potentially exciting date.
Personal and business coach Kim Morgan says self sabotaging behaviour is unintentional and many people use it in a misguided attempt to protect themselves from difficult experiences and emotions. The way through is to understand what drives your behaviour. You may feel deep down that you don’t deserve that fulfilling job, healthy body or loving relationship.
Writing down examples of happy relationships in your life past or present, work successes, times you’ve felt good about the way you look. It’s the first step to turning negative beliefs positive, which, in time, leads to stronger self-belief.
Banish negative thoughts
We all have those annoying ear worms with a harsh, critical voice that tell us we’re not good/slim/clever enough. That we’re a bad mum/wife/daughter/employee. Psychologists call them Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs), and acknowledging and challenging them can be very helpful.
For example, imagine yourself rushing and spilling tea on the carpet. You berate yourself, "I get everything wrong!" Now take that thought to court. Where is the evidence that that statement is true? Isn’t it fairer to say you don’t generally drop drinks? The verdict is, we all slip up, especially when we’re stressed, and the simple learning is to give ourselves more time in future.
When a self sabotaging ANT invades your head, Imperfect Diva Blog founder Emily Bradley says try the STOP technique.
- Take a breath (a deep one, five counts in, five out).
- Observe how you’re feeling.
- Perspective? There you go – the world is still spinning.
Stop worrying about what 'they' will say
One of the most undermining forces we face is the fear of what other people might think of us. Back in Wilma Flintstone’s day, being disliked was a risky business because tribes brought protection from predators. Fast-forward a few million years and we’ve evolved with a fear of social disapproval.
Who we really are gets drowned out if we obsess over what ‘they’ will say. Imagine you’re at a vintage market stall and fall in love with a wacky hat or some funky purple boots. You hanker after them, but find yourself thinking, "What would great-aunt Ann/my neighbours/the vicar’s wife say?"
Check yourself. Would you judge others so harshly? No. So don’t be stifled. What’s the worst that can happen?
Try: If you’ve always wanted to join a street protest or wanted a bright pink car, go for it. As Emily Bradely suggests, "Chances are, the people whose judgement you’re so worried about won’t turn a hair."
Learn to be an imperfectionist
Perfection is impossible for any human, yet we all fall into the trap of seeking it. Who in all honesty can claim to have the ideal work-life-love balance, a dust-free home and A* children with sparkling teeth? Aiming for it and inevitably failing can lead us to feeling worthless and too scared to try anything, in case we don’t excel.
Try: Embracing the Japanese concept of ‘wabi-sabi’, which finds beauty in the seemingly imperfect – think wonky vegetables that taste amazing. Your child may be flunking exams but he or she has so much else to give and be celebrated for.
As a singer, Emily Bradley urges imperfectionists to create a ‘blooper reel’ (imaginary, written down or recorded), as a celebration of our off notes or banana-slip moments, without which we’d learn nothing.
You're wonderful just the way you are, so start loving your imperfections!
Lauren is deputy editor at woman&home.com in the UK and became a journalist mainly because she enjoys being nosy. With a background in features journalism, Lauren has worked on the woman&home brand for four years. Before woman&home Lauren worked across a variety of women's lifestyle titles, including GoodTo, Woman's Own, and Woman magazine. After starting out working for a local paper in Yorkshire, her journalism career took her to Bristol where she hunted out stories for national papers and magazines at Medavia news agency, before landing a job in London working as a lifestyle assistant.
Lauren loves helping people share their stories, bringing experiences to life online, honing her interview techniques with everyone from authors to celebrities, headteachers to local heroes. As well as having a good nose for a story, Lauren has a passion for the English language and years of experience optimizing digital content to reach the widest audience possible. During her time at w&h, Lauren has worked on big brand campaigns like the Amazing Women Awards and assisted in developing w&h expert-approved Buyer's Guides—the place to go if you're looking to splash out on an important purchase and want some trusted advice. In addition to her journalism career, Lauren also has a background in copywriting for prestigious brands such as Inhabit Hotel, eco-development K'in in Tulum, social enterprise The Goldfinger Factory and leading London architect Holland Harvey, using language in all its glorious forms, from detailed guidebooks to snappy social content.
A big fan of adventure, Lauren is also a keen travel writer and loves sharing tips on where to find the best places to eat, drink, and be merry off the beaten track. Lauren has written a series of travel guides for London hotels and loves sharing her insights into a destination's cultural and culinary offerings. If you need a recommendation on any UK destination, she's more than happy to help. At the weekend, you'll usually find her hanging out with her pet cat (or anyone else's pet she can get her hands on), escaping to the countryside, or devouring a good book.
Follow her adventures @laurenkatehughes
LinkedIn: Lauren Kate Hughes
Royal fans are confused by one strange detail of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s new photos
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's Time 100 cover has left fans baffled
By Emma Dooney •
Hispanic Heritage month—Hispanic people that changed the world and everything you need to know about the celebration
Hispanic Heritage month celebrates the cultural importance and invaluable contribution made by Hispanic communities
By Rylee Johnston •
Understanding Alzheimer's stages can help you navigate the challenging times ahead
An expert shares the common symptoms and what to expect at each stage of the disease
By Ciara McGinley •
Invisalign vs braces—the pros and cons of each and which is best for you when you're 40+
When it comes to Invisalign vs braces, here's what you need to know—because it’s never too late for a straighter, healthier smile.
By Ciara McGinley •
11 no-strings sex apps for 40+ women who want casual sex—but are they right for you?
Looking for some adult fun with zero commitment? Then you need one of these no-strings sex apps...
By Faye M Smith •
Who will get a Covid booster jab and when can you book yours? All you need to know as Boris Johnson's winter measures are unveiled
The booster jab scheme is set to be part of Boris Johnson's winter Covid plan
By Caitlin Elliott •
The best rabbit vibrators for first-timers, couples, and those on a budget
There’s no need to be scared of using the best rabbit vibrators. These ones will feel especially made for you
By Faye M Smith •
How to safeguard your own mental health and find support when caring for someone with dementia
Caring for someone can be emotionally draining, but there are simple acts of self-care that can really help you cope
By Faye M Smith •
Vaginal atrophy affects one in three women—so why does it feel like a taboo topic?
Vaginal atrophy can happen at any age but is most common during menopause. Here's what you need to know, including common symptoms and treatment
By Emilie Lavinia •
The best yoga mats for finding your flow at home or in the gym
The best yoga mats will offer excellent grip and great stability to help you find your inner zen
By Faye M Smith •