It can feel flattering, in the right circumstances, to be asked for advice by friends, family members or even those you sit next to at the bus stop. After all, it may suggest that others look up to you as a fount of knowledge. Or it might mean they just need to vent out loud – and it doesn’t matter who to.
Often, however, solving another person’s problem is not a simple task. Nodding along just won’t cut it, especially when emotions are running high.
Who hasn’t been on the receiving end of one of those frantic, long phone calls where you are coerced into minutely dissecting whether your friend should leave her ‘useless’ husband/tell her sister she’s no help when it comes to their elderly mother/let her daughter-in-law know she can see her eyes rolling each week at Sunday lunch?
And have you noticed this happens, more often than not, when you’re about to have a bath or watch TV, or as your weekly supermarket delivery is due to arrive?
While the power of female friendship is incredible, if you feel you’re being used as a sounding board more than you’d like, honesty and a touch of redirection are key.
Holly Beedon, clinical lead at mental health charity Living Well UK and a qualified Integrative Psychotherapist and Cognitive Behavioural Therapist, advises, "Thank your friend for trusting you and wanting your input. Then, let them know you might not always have the best answer or that you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed with your own things lately. Reassure them that you are still there for support, just maybe in a different way this time."
It doesn’t mean you’re a ‘bad’ person or a terrible friend – but will help rebalance your friendship.
Stay neutral
Constantly being on the end of the phone can be exhausting, but there are other possible consequences too. Say your friend gets back together with that ex you spent weeks berating due to his roving eye. You won’t be invited to their next dinner party, that’s for sure.
In fact, years ago, I remember ‘innocently advising’ two neighbours on how they needed to make peace again after a minor fallout over a shared fence, only to be unwillingly dragged into further neighbourhood ‘beef’.
After an experience like that, it’s no wonder it can become a case of ‘once bitten, twice shy’. When a friend’s daughter married a man with multiple Facebook pages and more red flags than the local golf course, nobody in our friendship group spoke out – all out of fear it would come back to haunt us. And then we had to ‘hold our tongues’ further when they divorced 18 months later.
This potential conflict of interest is why therapists don’t treat people they know. "It’s one of the reasons they’re ethically bound to maintain professional boundaries," says hypnotherapist Chloe Brotheridge, author of The Anxiety Solution. "It’s harder to be objective and neutral if you know the person."
Use professional therapists' rules
Following some other rules that the professionals employ is useful if you do enjoy counselling those who are in need.
"Therapists tend to listen attentively and they will ask insightful questions to help others explore their own thoughts and feelings. This self-discovery can lead to clients making their own powerful insights and solutions," says Holly.
Being present can also bring big benefits, even if you’re not offering advice. "Sometimes just being there is the best help," says Holly. "You can provide a safe space to talk, validate their feelings and offer different viewpoints. Emphasise that you’re there to listen and support, not dictate their choices."
And for yourself, "set boundaries around your time and emotional energy," adds Holly. "Be mindful of your own capacity. Advice is about empowering the other person and not taking responsibility for their decisions."
Empathise with mistakes
After a friend makes a decision that doesn’t work out – which you’d previously warned them about – you might feel the urge to say, ‘I told you so.’
"However, in such moments, empathy is crucial," says psychotherapist Helen Wells, clinical director at The Dawn Wellness Centre and Rehab Thailand. Instead, she suggests:
- Recognise that everyone makes errors in judgement.
- Instead of focusing on proving your point, offer support.
- Encourage them to consider what they could do differently next time.
The best ways to help
It's important to provide empathy while protecting your own boundaries.
These six tips are key when navigating the minefield of advice-giving.
Choose the right moment
Time and place are essential for both of you. "The right setting for giving advice is a quiet, private place where you won’t be interrupted," says Chloe.
And while a glass of wine may feel tempting, "it can also impair your judgement and distort your emotions. It’s generally better to have important conversations without alcohol involved," she says.
Heading outside can also work well. "Some people prefer going for walks and talking, as being outdoors can bring a sense of calmness," adds Helen.
Know what's being asked of you
Begin by listening carefully to what your friend wants to share with you. "Try to ensure they feel heard and understood before offering your thoughts and opinions," says Helen.
"It might be that they simply want to share how they feel and may not wish to receive any advice. One way to guide the conversation is to ask if they want your input or simply need to talk – this helps shape the discussion and avoid misunderstandings."
Actively listen
Focus on not interrupting – which can be harder than it sounds. "Active listening is about truly understanding someone, not just hearing their words. It involves giving your full attention, both physically and mentally," says Holly.
"Make eye contact (if you’re together), silence distractions, and focus on the speaker’s tone and body language, as well as their words. Ask questions to clarify and show interest. This creates a space for connection and better communication."
Repeat what they’ve said in your own words to show you understand, or ask questions to get clarity.
Look after yourself
Consider how the attention on your friend’s drama is affecting your own mental health. "Dreading contact or feeling irritated by venting to others are signs you’re not coping," says Holly.
"You might struggle with your own issues or experience fatigue, headaches or sleep problems. If so, it’s time to re-evaluate your input."
Consider the next steps
There are some situations for which you’ll never be the best person to help. "Encourage seeking professional help for serious or persistent issues," says Chloe. "This includes chronic anxiety, depression, trauma, addiction or relationship problems."
Their GP can refer them for talking therapies and suggest reputable local counselling services. Or go to nhs.uk or your local healthcare provider for advice on self-referral.
Mind your language
"Use gentle language, such as 'You might want to consider...'" says Helen. "Plus, asking open-ended questions can help someone think through their options."
This article first appeared in the October 2024 issue of woman&home magazine. Subscribe to the magazine for £6 for 6 issues.
