‘How do I stop myself feeling resentful of my friends’ big pensions?’

Finances can be a tricky subject, and it's common for us to feel jealous of friends and loved ones who might be materially better off than we are.

In this Ask Anna column, a reader sought my advice because they were feeling resentful over their friends' retirement plans and big pensions.

Because we've all had different career paths, it's natural for these feelings to crop up in friendship groups. I know how it feels, and I was happy to offer some advice.

Pension envy

The reader said: "I’m in my late 50s and have two friends who are always talking about their plans for retirement. They will both have hefty pensions because of the types of jobs they do.

"I won’t have a big pension, even though I have worked hard all my life too.

"I know that it will mean they will be able to travel and so on far more than I will when we all finish work. How do I stop myself feeling so resentful?"

It's natural to feel envious

I count myself lucky enough to be part of a group of friends who’ve known each other for over 40 years. We’ve been there for each other as we’ve grown up, had our hearts broken, started careers, married, divorced, had kids – or chosen a different path.

But every now and then, among a few of us, the conversation turns to the same topic... the one or two friends in our gang who’ve done really well for themselves.

I’m talking people who have come from nothing and made millions. The folk who head international companies, run property portfolios, or have married into wealth. We scroll through Instagram and spy on their latest travel posts; the sunsets, boats, perfect tans. We admire, gossip, and then... pick fault. Because do you know what? We’re envious as hell. And that’s difficult to admit because these are people we actually like.

There’s an undercurrent of envy and resentment in us all, and it makes us feel ugly. But envy, if you think about it, is really a self-criticism; a measurement of where we place ourselves in our social group, our ‘status’ compared to others. We experience it because we feel ‘less than’ in some way, and we hate to admit it, as by doing so we subconsciously lower our social status even more.

Choose how to respond to your envy

Evolutionary psychologists have found that humans respond to envy with either submission, ambition or destruction. Submission is where we accept another’s dominance and just steer clear of them; ambition is when we climb the greasy pole of success and try to compete with others; and then there’s destruction... in other words, the gossip and denigration of others that we’re all guilty of in order to make ourselves feel better.

It’s normal to try and rationalise our feelings, just as you’re doing when you say, "I won’t have a big pension, even though I have worked hard all my life too," but envy isn’t rational, it’s emotional – and the bigger the emotion, the more impact it will have on your life.

The thing that concerns me here is that you’re turning the destructive side of envy in on yourself, which is why you feel that private pain of resentment. Do your friends know how you feel? Are they sensitive to the fact you have less than they do, financially speaking?

Accept and own how you feel

Resentment is usually the result of a long history of unspoken unhappiness – and it’s toxic. So, first things first: own your feelings. By accepting and voicing them, you’ll take the sting away. Forgive yourself for feeling that way in the first place – it’s a natural human reaction.

Second, start building up other friendships based on love, support and understanding. Recognise that it might help you to be around people whose purse strings are less elastic. It might help you feel better about yourself, and boost your confidence and your positivity.

Finally, you say your friends will be able to afford to travel more than you. Travel doesn’t have to cost the earth, especially if you volunteer. International Volunteer HQ is the world’s leading volunteer travel organisation. It brings about positive transformation not only for the communities it supports, but also within the volunteers themselves.

Remember, success isn’t measured by the things we can (or can’t) afford to do. It’s measured by what makes us happy.

Anna advises our readers on relationship issues of all sorts, such as missing my younger self, friends moving away, disputes with neighbours, addressing health concerns for a loved one and navigating an empty nest, with a new Ask Anna column published in woman&home magazine every month.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.