Want to spice things up in the bedroom? You’re not alone. A survey by Zaucey.com has found that one in five Brits have sex just three times a year – that’s once every 118 days! But if you are living with a loss of libido, getting out of a sexless rut can be easier said than done.
If you want address your loss of libido to get 2020 off to a sizzling start and have more sex, then read our easy libido-enhancing tips and tricks…
How to fix a loss of libido
1. Take inspiration from a film
Not having sex as it’s become tiresome or repetitive? Turn on the TV. Three-quarters of couples say they’ve had more sex by copying a sex scene they’ve enjoyed from a movie at home, found IllicitEncounters.com. The films which spice things up the most are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s Mr & Mrs Smith, Out Of Sight with George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez, plus 90s classic Ghost, with Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore. Pass the clay, quick!
2. Send a sexy text
Put technology to good use and send a fun, cheeky tease. Just a smiley selfie or a cheeky wink emoji can help get the ball rolling and you having more sex – you definitely don’t have to send nudes.
3. Turn the lights off if that’s what you like
Does the thought of getting down to it with the lights on fill you with dread? Apparently, 60% of women prefer sex with low lighting, with 12% wanting it in the pitch black. “Most sex therapists agree that sex begins in the head – it’s an idea that overtakes you, and the physical reaction follows,” says Dr Marilyn Glenville. “A key part is setting the mood, and low lighting can help.”
4. Think about all the senses
“Great sex should be a multisensory experience,” says Sammi Cole, sex and relationship expert at Lovehoney. “Sure, treat yourself to some lingerie that makes you feel fantastic, but think about all the other senses, too. Dab on some new perfume or scented body lotion, go for soft lighting, pick out music that helps to get you both in the mood and swap out your usual sheets for something more luxurious. The more senses you can delight, the better!”
5. Change the usual setting or position
“Being familiar with your partner and their body is both a blessing and a curse,” says Sammi. “It’s sometimes hard to feel like a sex goddess when you’re surrounded by reminders of everyday life, and it’s the same with our partners.” The solution for having more sex? “Do things outside of your usual comfort zone, and do them together,” says Sammi. “Whether it’s as simple as a night away in a different setting, it can be enough to renew the way you see each other.” Mixing up your usual position could help make you feel more adventurous, and make accessing your g-spot that little bit easier and more intense. Need inspiration? Try reading Position Of The Week (£6.99, lovehoney.co.uk).
6. Use perfume to get you in the mood for more sex
Fragrances can have an effect on your mood, emotions and energy levels and can help counter a loss of libido. When you breathe in a scent, it arouses the limbic system (the brain’s emotional control centre), where fear, depression and joy originate. Want to feel sexier? Upbeat, zesty notes like sharp oranges, lemons and grapefruit, or black pepper and coffee all bring out positive chemical reactions in the brain, uplifting your mood.
7. Check your contraception or HRT
Could the Pill or HRT be playing havoc with your libido and stopping you having more sex? Some medicines affect arousal and orgasm, so look into the ingrediants and consider how your body has reacted to them, if neccessary discuss alternatives with your GP. Losing desire when you and your relationship are otherwise happy could mean a hormonal imbalance or a medical condition. Your GP can arrange tests and a specialist appointment.
8. Eat to beat tiredness
Too tired to have sex at the end of the day? Have it first thing instead. Or, if that’s not possible make sure you’re eating right during the day to give you a much-needed boost later. Forget oysters or chocolate, peppers, eggs and spinach are all aphrodisiacs, plus, give your body essential fuel.
9. Use lubrication to stop discomfort
A hormonal shift around the menopause reduces moisture and can make your genitals less supple. “It can make your vagina feel dry, itchy and, at times, tender,” says Marilyn. Which may put you off sex. “It may take you longer to become lubricated during lovemaking, which can make sexual intercourse feel uncomfortable, or even painful.” As well as a lubricant, try a supplement with essential fats to help keep the vagina lubricated, such as NHP omega 3 Support (£29.77, naturalhealthpractice.com).
10. Try the new trend of being mindful
A buzzword in recent years, mindfulness could help you get closer to your partner, especially if you feel you’re just going through the motions. Mindful sex is the practice of switching off to turn on and can help you to focus on your pleasure. When you feel your mind drifting, try to bring your awareness back to the moment, focus on your breathing and the way your body responds to being touched.
11. Show your partner what you want rather than telling them
Miscommunication can often cause problems between partners and a loss of libido. Instead, suggest a massage where you show each other different types of touch you would like on different body parts, offer positive feedback and guide them by putting your hand on top of theirs.
12. Consider seeing a sex therapist
Could the reason you’re not having more sex be something more serious that needs expert advice? Then see a therapist – it can be beneficial for both specific problems and a sense of general dissatisfaction. The earlier issues are addressed, the easier they can often feel to tackle.
13. Invest in a toy
“If you haven’t felt sexy for a while, touching yourself can be a way to reconnect with your body as a sensual, sexual pleasure. Once you’re back in touch with your own desires, it can be easier and less daunting to connect with your partner’s,” says Marilyn. Need some help? Try a toy. Our round up on the best vibrators can help fix a loss of libido.
14. Try not to nag in the bedroom
Got an issue on your mind. Bite your tongue, especially when you’re in the bedroom, as it’s a really big turn-off. Leave the thought of daily life and chores at the bedroom door and save those “disagreements” for later instead. Nagging subconsciously reminds people of being told what to do by their mother – which is one of the fastest ways to turn them, and you, off!
15. Focus on foreplay and not sex
Make foreplay the main course. Lots of stroking, holding and kissing builds a deeper sexual and emotional connection – and leads to more sex.
16. Do nothing but have eye contact
If loss of libido means you’ve not had sex for a while you don’t have to rush in to being intimate again. Start slowly, and try holding deep eye contact. Take two minutes to hold hands and gaze into each other’s eyes – it might feel odd at first, but eye contact helps you feel emotionally and physically close.