'My husband's political views are coming between us' - a reader asks Anna Richardson for advice

It sometimes seems as if divisions are all around us - and the fact that technology means we’re always ‘on’ has only heightened this.

With so much news and opinion coming at us from every angle, it’s not surprising that relationships - romantic, friendship or even professional - can be tested out of the blue, with strong opinions and convictions rising to the surface.

That’s the case with our reader, who has found herself struggling with her husband’s differing political views. When does debate turn into division?

When a loved one's views become intolerant and exhausting, how can you navigate it?

The reader asked: My husband and I have very different political views, and it’s coming between us.

In the past, we had healthy debates or could agree to disagree on issues like Brexit, but now he’s consumed by news and podcasts that make him intolerant.

I feel like he’s living in an echo chamber and it’s exhausting. How can I navigate this divide?

Living with a difference of opinion is one thing, but living with constant negativity is another

There’s a particular kind of sadness that comes from sitting opposite somebody you’ve been married to for years and wondering at what point they became a stranger to you. But reading your dilemma, I found myself wondering whether it’s not the politics that’s getting to you so much as your husband’s behavioural change.

He sounds irritable and inflexible, with every conversation just circling back to what’s wrong with the world. Living with a difference of opinion is one thing, but living with constant negativity is another.

The thing is, how we consume our media has fundamentally changed over the past 15 years. We used to form our opinions from newspapers or the evening news, but now we’re flooded with information 24/7.

Podcasts in the car, constant videos via social media, articles shared by mates. We’re never ‘off’ and none of us is completely immune to that.

If you think about it, the more time we spend listening to one particular version of events, it becomes more difficult to stay objective and form a viewpoint about other perspectives, especially when our algorithm is primed to feed us the same argument. That’s why I wouldn’t bother getting drawn into trying to change your husband’s opinions.

Don’t try to change someone’s opinions - try to start a conversation instead

Most of us don’t respond well to feeling corrected, particularly by the person we share a home with. My suggestion would be that you start a conversation about your relationship instead. Because what comes across most strongly in your dilemma isn’t disagreement, it’s actually loss.

You sound as though you miss the version of your relationship where you could disagree, roll your eyes at each other, then get on with your day.

It may also help you to consciously reclaim some territory. Not every car journey needs a podcast. Not every dinner-table conversation has to be about the latest political row. Relationships need room for ordinary life too - friends, family, the latest episode of The Traitors, and all the small things that remind us why we chose each other in the first place.

And, by the way, there are plenty of examples of couples who’ve managed political differences perfectly well. Alastair Campbell and Fiona Millar have spoken openly about not seeing eye to eye on every issue, despite both being highly engaged in politics.

Is there something beneath the surface?

As with all relationships, the challenge isn’t usually the disagreement itself. It’s whether respect and acceptance can survive alongside it. In other words, it’s about taking care of your marriage.

I also wonder whether there’s something else under the surface of your husband’s intolerance. Have you asked him whether he’s worried about ageing? Retirement? Change?

We’re living in a world of deep division, and that can leave people searching for certainty wherever they can find it. I sometimes find that strong opinions are a way for people to manage anxiety - it gives them a sense of safety when everything else feels so insecure.

You don’t need identical political beliefs to have a happy marriage. But what you do need is the feeling that you’re still on the same side. Once that begins to disappear, I’m afraid it stops being a political problem and starts becoming a relationship one.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me