Whether it's tackling an emotionally loaded subject or a matter of practicality, our experts will help you get the timing right…
Just as food shopping when you’re starving is a bad idea (resulting in a
trolly piled with high-calorie goodies), so is there also a wrong time
for difficult conversations, and making big and small decisions. Take a
look at these suggestions and stack the odds in favour of success?
Our experts:
– Christine Webber Author of Too Young To Get Old (Piatkus) and How To Men A Broken Heart (Bloomsbury), and a psychotherapist
– Sue Clarke A life and career coach. See inthehotseat.co.uk
– Caroline Kisko Secretary of the Kennel Club, the UK’s largest dog welfare organisation. See thekennelclub.org.uk
When Is The Right Time To: A bigger role at work?
Look at the situation with a company ‘hat’ on. If you were in their shoes, would this be a good time to step forward? Spot windows of opportunity – perhaps you’ve had a successful run so your profile is high. A competitor in the wings can give you more leverage – your organisation may be open to ideas. If it’s all hands on deck for a big pitch, it’s probably not the time. The ‘SWOT’ test will tell you if you’re ready. That’s an analysis of Strengths – can you point to a successful track record? Weaknesses – think of feedback from those who matter – are these areas you need to sharpen? Opportunities – how exactly will your company benefit? Threats – can you pinpoint how they’d miss out if this move doesn’t happen?
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When Is The Right Time To: Discuss the future with elderly parents?
When your parents are healthy and it's a conversation, not a crisis. In short, as early as you can - seventies is not too young.
What to talk about? Power of attorney is one subject, where they can nominate one or more of you to act on their behalf financially. Also, while they're in good health, where they'd like to be cared for when they're not. How that will be financed becomes a legal and emotional minefield if sudden decline or dementia sets in. Parents may feel wary of raising their wishes for fear of upsetting you. It's a conversation best kept casual, where hands and eyes are occupied elsewhere- while driving or washing up. Your partner may even be better discussing the matter - parents often find it easier talking about this to an in-law who isn't so emotionally involved. A minor illness, or the ill health of a relative or friend's parent often provides and opening.
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When Is The Right Time To: Talk with your adult kids about money?
If you're sitting on your resentment, then the answer is now, before you're seething, feeling used and the relationship really suffers. In this era of student loans and sky-high house prices, 'kidults' will often need handouts.
Perhaps you're happy to help, but less comfortable with the assumption that the Bank of Mum and Dad is always open. A day out together - or making arrangements for something where you habitually foot the bill, is an ideal springboard to introduce the concept of limits. 'I'll buy the tickets but will leave lunch to you' or 'I'll pick up the tab for X if you can cover Y.' This begins to get the message across without the need for a damaging conversation. If your child is a student and you're struggling to subsidise everything (was the week in Turkey necessary?), then the talk should be face-to-face, out of the house (where we tend to behave better) and, crucially, when you're calm.
Avoid family get-togethers or exam time. Tell them how proud you are of them, and that you're there to support them, but introduce some of your own financial presses and the need for limits. They may appreciate your honesty.
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When Is The Right Time To: Get a dog
When you have enough time and money! You need to be
able to spare around £100 a week for food and vet's bills, plus
vaccinations and training classes if you're getting a puppy. Dogs will
put up with a lot - but they often get a rough deal in a busy family.
You shouldn't leave a dog alone for more than four hours, so you need a
lifestyle where someone is home or can pop home at lunch - or even take
the dog to work with them (dogs love being in cars, getting out and
about).
The other option is paying a dog walker (about £15 an hour).
Dogs make fantastic companions for the depressed, bereaved and
empty-nesters, all situations where a dog flourishes. They can be great
shoulders to cry on for teenagers too - but don't assume that a teen
will be any more help with the dog than a toddler (it'll be you going
for walkies on wet November evenings). Don't worry too much about
needing to live out in the country or have a garden. Sometimes, flat
dwellers make the best owners. They have to take the dog out for walks
instead of throwing open the back door.
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When Is The Right Time To: Share ideas online?
Between 1 and 3pm Monday to Thursday is the
best time to send an idea into the twittersphere. According to
bitly.com, the link shortening and tracking service, it's during this
time Twitter has its highest click count - when users are their most
active and receptive. Avoid posting after 8pm, or after 3pm on a Friday
or through the weekend. If you're looking for feedback on Facebook
though, it's a different story. Saturday afternoons and Wednesday at 3pm
is the busiest time for Facebook clicking - so have your ideas at the
ready.
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When Is The Right Time To: Talk about sex with your man?
If you're not happy with your sex
life, you want to do something different, don't bring it up immediately
afterwards - it will be taken very personally! Under the bluff and
blunder, most men are very anxious about their performance, so sitting
down and announcing 'I'd like to talk about our sex life?' presents it
as a 'problem' and could well have a dampening effect rather than firing
things up!
Keep it light and outside the bedroom. Look for openings in
films/articles/books. Use 'I' or 'we', not 'you'. Try something like
'I've just read about X - and I'd like to try it' or 'I hope we're not
getting a bit dull. How about you tell me what to do one night and I'll
tell you another night.' Avoid 'you always?' or 'you're too?' or 'you
don't?' In the bedroom itself, best to show, don't tell - a seductive
whisper of 'Can we take this slowly?' or a bit of manoeuvring can open
far more doors than a terrifying 'we need to talk'!
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When Is The Right Time To: Mention his expanding waistline?
This is tricky. Anything
perceived as nagging will be ignored, and if it comes across as
criticism, they'll feel hurt and angry. Post holiday is the perfect
window - if you've had a good time, and perhaps enjoyed a Mediterranean
diet and a bit more fresh air and exercise than usual. Forget new year,
we often make our real 'resolutions' on holiday after a spell away from
day-to-day life. Try the collaborative approach: 'I was thinking we
could both do with losing a few pounds/getting fitter/eating more
healthily.' Suggest you take up something together -
tennis/running/squash, and both alter your diet.
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When Is The Right Time To: Talk with your adult kids about money?
If you're sitting on your resentment, then the answer is now, before
you're seething, feeling used and the relationship really suffers. In
this era of student loans and sky-high house prices, 'kidults' will
often need handouts.
Perhaps you're happy to help, but less
comfortable with the assumption that the Bank of Mum and Dad is always
open. A day out together - or making arrangements for something where
you habitually foot the bill, is an ideal springboard to introduce the
concept of limits. 'I'll buy the tickets but will leave lunch to you' or
'I'll pick up the tab for X if you can cover Y.' This begins to get the
message across without the need for a damaging conversation. If your
child is a student and you're struggling to subsidise everything (was
the week in Turkey necessary?), then the talk should be face-to-face,
out of the house (where we tend to behave better) and, crucially, when
you're calm.
Avoid family get-togethers or exam time. Tell them
how proud you are of them, and that you're there to support them, but
introduce some of your own financial presses and the need for limits.
They may appreciate your honesty.
