You meet someone. You fall in love. Everything is new, exciting, special. Then, slowly, it starts to fade. It’s an uncomfortable reality, but a reality nonetheless for many couples - and it’s a topic Mel Robbins tackled on her podcast with divorce lawyer James Sexton.

In the episode, James, aka social media’s nycdivorcelawyer, who has amassed a huge following through his online presence and books on divorce and relationships, shared his simple yet profound advice for keeping a relationship alive.

He explains, reversing that spiral of resentment or feeling of settling starts with "small, small actions" that "costs nothing [and] takes five seconds to do."

It can include sending a text in the day telling your partner you heard a song that reminds them of you, or leaving a note for them before you go to work. It’s all about reversing the cycle that many couples can fall into of building up resentments or taking each other for granted.

In the podcast episode, Mel puts to James a scenario that, perhaps to many couples, is quite relatable.

You’ve had the fairytale, you’ve had the honeymoon period, "now you're in maintenance, now you're noticing the resentment is hitting, you're disconnected, you're not having sex, you're annoyed at your favourite person all the time. You wish it wasn't this way, but it's starting to feel like, will we ever get back?"

James, citing his experience of seeing all manner of relationships throughout 25 years of experience in divorce law, starts off by reassuring anyone in that position they aren’t alone.

He told Mel, "You're where most people are. And you probably got there by this succession of small choices that created this, what I would call a downward spiral" but "you can reverse that spiral". And it all hinges on "small, small actions.

"Start with a note. Leave a note. You're leaving in the morning for work, leave a note. ‘It was really fun hanging out with you last night. I married the prettiest girl in the world’. Or, ‘Hey, thanks for taking care of that thing for me yesterday and calling the cable company. It really means a lot when my big strong man does things like that’.

"Some little courtesy or kindness costs nothing, takes five seconds to do."

James added, "I tell a lot of my male friends, if you text your wife in the middle of the day with a song that was important to you and you go, ‘I heard this song in the coffee shop today and I thought of you.’

"That's an incredible feeling. It's an intoxicating, wonderful feeling. And it doesn't take much to just bring someone back to that place."

Another example he offered up includes writing your "spouse an email, here's 10 things I love about you. 10 things. And by the way, it's not just for them. They'll love reading that. But also it's for you. Remind yourself, why did you choose this person?"

Where there are three people involved in any relationship, the danger is that someone is left out, and feels abandoned or criticised.

That is what's happening in this Ask Anna column. A reader wanted my advice after she could tell her daughter was getting upset by the comments her father – the reader's ex-husband – and his wife were making about her parenting.

I was more than happy to share some advice, rooted in psychotherapy, on this complex situation.

Navigating family dynamics

The reader said: "My daughter is in her 30s, has a supportive husband and a one-year-old son. Unfortunately, her father (my ex-husband) and his partner – her stepmother – comment negatively on her parenting skills, suggesting she’s not strict enough about routines. They live nearby, so it happens frequently.

"My daughter bites her tongue, but I can see she’s upset by these remarks, and it’s grating on me too. Should I say something?"

Blended families can be complex

Phew. When I first received your dilemma, I had to read through it a couple of times because in terms of family dynamics, there’s a lot going on here. To begin with, I thought it was a problem around parenting, then I thought it was an issue around grandparenting. Then I looked closer, and wondered if it was a question around divorce.

Then I stood back, regarded the family as a ‘constellation’ and considered if the whole thing was about the complexity of blended families. The truth is, it’s all of the above. It struck me just how many triangles there are going on within this group.

Firstly, there’s the triangle of your daughter, her husband and their little boy – a healthy and happy new family unit.

Then there’s the triangle of you, your ex-husband and your daughter. As the product of divorced parents, she’s bound to feel some sensitivity.

After that, you have the triangle of your daughter, your ex-husband and his new partner.

And finally, there’s the relationship between you, your ex-husband and his partner.

Being the Rescuer

You don’t say whether you and your ex separated amicably, or whether you get along well with his new partner, but what I do know is that all of this smacks of what psychotherapists refer to as the ‘drama triangle’. Based on Karpman’s Drama Triangle, a model of human interaction, it describes dysfunctional relationships where those involved shift between three roles – Persecutor, Victim and Rescuer – all held in place by guilt and blame.

If we apply this to your scenario, from your perspective, your ex and his partner are commenting negatively on your daughter’s parenting skills... in other words, they sit in the Persecutor position.

You tell us that your daughter is polite, but you can see that she’s upset... making her the Victim. And then you’re worried about your daughter’s distress, and wondering whether to step in. Which makes you the Rescuer.

The problem here is that if you do say something to your ex, then the roles switch – you become the Persecutor, your ex-husband becomes the Victim, and your daughter (or her partner) then steps in as the Rescuer. And so it goes round. Family drama after family drama.

As a parent, it’s your job to notice what roles you play (or are placed into), and whether it fits into this dynamic of the drama triangle. If it does, then there’s a simple way to change it: just step away from it.

When you stop the game, you stop the drama. By placing yourself in a ‘neutral’ position, you stop trying to fix the problem, cease controlling the people around you, and allow others to work it out for themselves.

Speak to your daughter first

As a mum, you’re a natural caretaker, wanting to protect your daughter if she’s hurting. No doubt there’s guilt, blame and obligation swirling around for all of you. Stepping away doesn’t mean you care less about your daughter. It means you’re empowering her.

Ask your daughter if she feels her dad’s remarks about her parenting skills are upsetting her. And if they are, encourage her to speak directly to him about it. It’s only by drawing boundaries that we all grow up and become adults – and by extension, good parents.

Anna advises our readers on relationship issues of all sorts, such as concerns over a daughter's relationship, being jealous of wealthy friends, addressing health concerns for a loved one and navigating an empty nest, with a new Ask Anna column published in woman&home magazine every month. This column is one from the archives.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.

After nearly 20 years with my husband Gaz, I still think he’s generous, funny and charismatic. He does all the manual labour required to keep our rickety old farmhouse from falling apart – and only complains about it most of the time. He’s also an attentive, kind and fun dad to our son.

But while my heart could burst with love for him, there are often times when I don’t like him very much. There’s his constant tidying of my things, while leaving the sink full of lunch debris or his used contact lenses thrown in the general direction of the bin. The double standards drove me so mad, I started taking photos of his mess, just to remind myself that Gaz has a serious ‘mess blind spot’ of his very own. When he jokingly called me a slob, I’d scroll through my photographic evidence to restore my sanity.

In last year’s dark romcom The Roses, married couple Theo and Ivy (Benedict Cumberbatch and Olivia Colman) discuss the ‘dizzying hatred’ they sometimes feel for each other. Ivy even jokes there are days when she’d rather go on a picnic with serial killer Charles Manson than her husband. She’s joking, she says, and they end up – temporarily at least – deciding their times of dislike are part of long-term love, rather than a recipe for divorce.

What is 'Normal Marital Hatred'?

Marriage therapist Terry Real coined the phrase Normal Marital Hatred. Hate is a strong word, but it’s not about deep contempt, he explains. It’s about flashes of frustration, resentment and even mild disgust born of knowing someone as well as you do after decades together – when you’ve long stopped being on your best behaviour and love each other enough to reveal your least endearing sides.

It’s flattering, really, to be trusted to still love someone even after they’ve shown you their most annoying habits.

That’s what I tell myself, anyway. I’m so flattered that Gaz feels safe enough in my love for him to be this annoying. Last summer, I took our son on a short holiday, and we both ended up being ill. It was a logistical and exhausting nightmare. Back home, Gaz was also unwell, but only had himself to look after. So when he texted to whinge that he was so ill he ‘couldn’t even watch TV’, I did not like him one little bit!

Is it normal?

Psychotherapist and relationship coach Heather Garbutt says feeling occasional dislike is completely normal. "Everyone has parts of themselves that are unlikeable and we’re all a little difficult to live with at times. Frustrating each other and falling into disputes is an inevitable part of being human," she says.

"Disliking the person you love doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your relationship. As long as he has more good qualities than bad, and you have a shared intention to have a happy and peaceful relationship, you can try to overlook the annoying habits."

When does Normal Marital Hatred become something more?

Saying 'this is normal' can be a relief in those moments of frustration, but if it gets in the way of your closeness as a couple, it's a problem, Julie Menanno, a relationship therapist and author of Secure Love, told womanandhome.com.

3 things to consider

• It's a red flag when... "couples assume chronic negativity is simply part of long-term relationships and stop expecting anything better," says Menanno. "While moments of anger are normal, living in a constant state of resentment is not. "When couples accept ongoing bitterness as inevitable, they often delay getting help that could actually change the trajectory of the relationship."
• It becomes unhealthy when... "one or both partners use the idea as a justification for poor behaviour or harmful communication," she says. "Anger may be understandable, but it doesn’t excuse criticism, withdrawal, contempt, or emotional shutdown. When resentment starts shaping how partners talk to each other, relate to each other, or treat each other, it’s no longer just a feeling."
• The relationship can deteriorate if... "the idea of 'normal' anger is used as an endpoint instead of a signal. Saying “this is normal” can be relieving, but if it isn’t followed by “and it’s getting in the way of our closeness, so we need to heal it,” the relationship can deteriorate. Normalising difficult feelings should open the door to repair, not close it," she says.

Finances can be a tricky subject, and it's common for us to feel jealous of friends and loved ones who might be materially better off than we are.

In this Ask Anna column, a reader sought my advice because they were feeling resentful over their friends' retirement plans and big pensions.

Because we've all had different career paths, it's natural for these feelings to crop up in friendship groups. I know how it feels, and I was happy to offer some advice.

Pension envy

The reader said: "I’m in my late 50s and have two friends who are always talking about their plans for retirement. They will both have hefty pensions because of the types of jobs they do.

"I won’t have a big pension, even though I have worked hard all my life too.

"I know that it will mean they will be able to travel and so on far more than I will when we all finish work. How do I stop myself feeling so resentful?"

It's natural to feel envious

I count myself lucky enough to be part of a group of friends who’ve known each other for over 40 years. We’ve been there for each other as we’ve grown up, had our hearts broken, started careers, married, divorced, had kids – or chosen a different path.

But every now and then, among a few of us, the conversation turns to the same topic... the one or two friends in our gang who’ve done really well for themselves.

I’m talking people who have come from nothing and made millions. The folk who head international companies, run property portfolios, or have married into wealth. We scroll through Instagram and spy on their latest travel posts; the sunsets, boats, perfect tans. We admire, gossip, and then... pick fault. Because do you know what? We’re envious as hell. And that’s difficult to admit because these are people we actually like.

There’s an undercurrent of envy and resentment in us all, and it makes us feel ugly. But envy, if you think about it, is really a self-criticism; a measurement of where we place ourselves in our social group, our ‘status’ compared to others. We experience it because we feel ‘less than’ in some way, and we hate to admit it, as by doing so we subconsciously lower our social status even more.

Choose how to respond to your envy

Evolutionary psychologists have found that humans respond to envy with either submission, ambition or destruction. Submission is where we accept another’s dominance and just steer clear of them; ambition is when we climb the greasy pole of success and try to compete with others; and then there’s destruction... in other words, the gossip and denigration of others that we’re all guilty of in order to make ourselves feel better.

It’s normal to try and rationalise our feelings, just as you’re doing when you say, "I won’t have a big pension, even though I have worked hard all my life too," but envy isn’t rational, it’s emotional – and the bigger the emotion, the more impact it will have on your life.

The thing that concerns me here is that you’re turning the destructive side of envy in on yourself, which is why you feel that private pain of resentment. Do your friends know how you feel? Are they sensitive to the fact you have less than they do, financially speaking?

Accept and own how you feel

Resentment is usually the result of a long history of unspoken unhappiness – and it’s toxic. So, first things first: own your feelings. By accepting and voicing them, you’ll take the sting away. Forgive yourself for feeling that way in the first place – it’s a natural human reaction.

Second, start building up other friendships based on love, support and understanding. Recognise that it might help you to be around people whose purse strings are less elastic. It might help you feel better about yourself, and boost your confidence and your positivity.

Finally, you say your friends will be able to afford to travel more than you. Travel doesn’t have to cost the earth, especially if you volunteer. International Volunteer HQ is the world’s leading volunteer travel organisation. It brings about positive transformation not only for the communities it supports, but also within the volunteers themselves.

Remember, success isn’t measured by the things we can (or can’t) afford to do. It’s measured by what makes us happy.

Anna advises our readers on relationship issues of all sorts, such as missing my younger self, friends moving away, disputes with neighbours, addressing health concerns for a loved one and navigating an empty nest, with a new Ask Anna column published in woman&home magazine every month.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.

Marriage is a bond that’s meant to last forever, but for almost half of us who make that commitment (42% in the UK) it will end in divorce. Today, the first Monday in January, is lovingly known by family law specialists as Divorce Day, due to the annual uptick in new cases they typically receive after the Christmas break.

A separation or divorce is one of the hardest things we are likely to go through, bringing emotional stress and heartbreak, plus practical difficulties from dividing belongings and assets to working out how to care for children and pets, and sorting out new living arrangements. But it can also mean an end to some unhappiness, and a fresh start, particularly if you can find ways to divorce amicably.

For some people, there’s a moment that signals it’s the end, and no matter how much they might want to, there’s just no going back. We speak to three women about the moment they knew their marriage was over for good.

'I knew I couldn't waste any more time'

Catherine*, 49, couldn’t go on another day with the man she married.

"Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but sometimes I wish that I could turn back time and tell my 28-year-old self to trust her instincts. We’d only been together for 18 months when I had a big church wedding in October 2003. My husband was attentive and showered me with compliments, and I believed I was lucky to have him.

"But just four days later, even before we’d had our honeymoon, he turned to me as he was leaving for work and said he’d changed his mind about having children. I stared at him in shock as he shrugged, smiled and kissed me goodbye, as if he’d just told me he’d forgotten to buy milk.

"Early in our relationship, we’d discussed children, and agreed that was our plan. So this should have been the moment I walked away, but I’d always believed marriage was forever, so I put my painful disappointment aside.

"But as the years went on, and I accepted we’d never have children, his selfishness was staggering.

"In 2005, my sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and while I rallied to help, my husband gave no emotional or practical support. When I told him I needed to take a week’s annual leave to help with hospital visits, he looked enraged. ‘Am I supposed to take holidays on my own then?’ he snapped.

"In that moment, I knew I couldn’t waste another moment on someone so self-centred. I got a solicitor, changed the locks, and after my divorce was finalised in December 2008, I felt proud of myself for leaving such an unhealthy situation. I remarried in March 2013 to a kind, loving man.

"I’ve never had children, and while it’s not something I regret, I wish I’d seen those early warning signs that things weren’t right in my relationship. I should have left sooner."

'Tension between us grew by the day'

Honor Marks, 59, runs empowering retreats for women in midlife (Honestly With Honor)

"When I got married in November 2002, in my late 30s, we hadn’t been together long, but we already had a daughter together. We had different interests – he loved rugby and heavy metal music, which I hated – but we were in love.

"Only, as the years went on, tension grew between us and we often argued. I was miserable, but divorce felt like a failure I couldn’t face.

"In 2015, for my 50th birthday, we went on a dream holiday to Vietnam. But it was a nightmare. We fought about everything.

"After a day of sightseeing, we got back to our hotel and he said, quite simply, ‘It’s over.’ There wasn’t even any sadness in his voice – it was a statement of fact. I felt hurt. Although I knew he was right, I struggled to accept it.

"Back in the UK, we told our daughter and, in time, I realised how unhappy I’d been. Now single, I honestly can’t thank him enough for making the decision to end our marriage."

'I realised things were never going to change'

Lisa Arterton, 41, is a therapist who specialises in helping women build healthier relationships.

"I met my husband aged 16, the summer I left school, and back then, we were best friends. We married in May 2006 and had our daughter, Ellie, in February 2009, but as the years went on, I had more time to work out who I really was. Working as an air steward for Virgin Atlantic, I also got to travel, which was fun and exciting.

"After more than a decade together, our marriage lost its spark, so in spring 2012, after coming home from a trip away, I suggested a night out. I felt bored in our relationship and wanted us to enjoy a rare night of freedom while Ellie was with her grandparents.

"Excited to spend some time together having fun, I suggested a bar crawl, but he seemed completely unimpressed with the idea. In fact, he didn’t want to leave the house at all. Instead, he wanted to order a takeaway and watch a film. ‘But we do that every weekend,’ I said, my heart sinking. As the words came out of my mouth, I realised he was never going to change, and that I had.

"I was only 29, there was so much I wanted to see and do, but I knew I couldn’t do any of it if I stayed.

"That night, I sat him down and told him how I felt. He confessed he was unhappy too, and we both realised our marriage was over, which was heartbreaking and terrifying. The next months were challenging, as we sold our family home and arranged separate lives for ourselves, but since then we’ve both remarried.

"I now have two more children, a career as a therapist and I’ve relocated to Spain. I’m glad I found the courage to move forward."

Is your marriage over? Things to ask yourself

Ending a marriage is a monumental decision. While these women had a moment of clarity and knew theirs was over, it's not always so straightforward.

If you are struggling in your relationship, Woman’s agony aunt Suzie Hayman advises you to consider, "Can it be mended instead of ended? Not papered over, but the reasons for your dissatisfaction explored. What would need to change for you to feel as you once did?

"Guidance from a counsellor might help, but you’d both have to do the work, and if one of you can’t commit, a new life apart is better than the old life in misery," she continues.

"Turning your life around takes effort, but it would be worth it. Talking with friends and family, as well as a counsellor, can help you decide what you’d really like and how to make it happen.

"It’s really important to face up to what went wrong, or you could repeat the same mistakes. A good counsellor and solicitor can guide you in negotiating and compromising rather than fighting, and help you make the next step."

*Catherine's name has been changed for her privacy

We've all felt left behind at some point, and while it's very much part of life, that doesn't make it any easier.

Whether it's friends moving away, your children moving out, or you're weighing up retirement, change can be tricky to accept. But how you deal with those changes are up to you – and there are more possibilities than you might think.

Our reader is feeling left behind because her friends are downsizing and moving away, but worries that she'll miss seeing her children if she joins them. Here's the advice I had to offer.

Should I stay or should I go?

The reader said: "Friends are downsizing and moving away, and I’m starting to feel left behind.

"A couple of friends have moved west and I am wondering if I should join them, but that would mean not being close to my children, who I see once a week and would miss.

"I am 63, retired and single, and worry I might not make new friends easily."

There's no 'right' answer

Feeling left behind in life is something I think we’ve all experienced at some stage – I know I have. And it really doesn’t help when we start to measure ourselves against what others are doing.

Whether it’s leaving home for the first time, watching friends travel around the world, agonising over marriage and kids, or retiring from a career you’ve loved for decades, it’s all a part of growth and change.

And one thing I know for sure is that change can be really difficult, especially when it means rethinking your social circles and the ways you find friendship.

It stirs up a whole mixed bag of emotions – from the fear of losing your security, to excitement about the possibilities that are waiting for you elsewhere.

You’re facing an almost impossible dilemma: should you stay close to the safety of familiarity, or take a leap of faith into the unknown with the potential for new love and connection?

There’s no ‘right’ answer here, so let’s try and clarify what feels best to you.

A change of scenery could be beneficial

Firstly, the ‘leap of faith’ option. One thing I’m struck by is that you’re still young! You’re only 63 – and, I’m guessing, healthy and financially stable – so this is a chance for you to create the life you want, with the freedom of knowing you’re not burdened by any previous responsibility. What a glorious position to be in.

Moving west to join your pals could offer some fantastic new opportunities, particularly if you feel drawn to the place they’ve chosen to live.

Just imagine: a new house, a new beginning, a refreshing change of scenery and access to a local community where you can see familiar faces. And, who knows? You may even want to start dating again.

Having said that, your friends’ presence doesn’t guarantee an automatic social network, and moving somewhere unfamiliar can be challenging, especially if you’re anxious that meaningful connection may be hard to come by.

Reflect on why you want to stay where you are

One way to approach this is to explore what, exactly, is drawing you to the idea of moving and whether there are ways to experience those benefits without having to leave your current home.

Sometimes, longing to follow friends reflects a need for closer relationships that you might be able to build right where you are already. Is it that you’re feeling bored? Dissatisfied? Are you looking for purpose?

Have a think about engaging in social activities locally that might open doors to new friendships.

If you’re leaning towards ‘staying put’, then reflecting on your relationship with your children could also help. You’ve said that weekly visits with them are an important source of stability for you, so moving far away could mean losing that consistent closeness.

Try to imagine life without those weekly visits – would you feel a significant void or would other friendships fill that space?

Some people I know who’ve moved away from family find that creating regular phone calls or video chats eases that distance – but only you can decide if that will be enough for you.

Maybe the best way to solve this is to experiment without commitment. Spend a few weeks visiting your mates in their new place to get a feel for what living there might be like, while also thinking about whether you could be happy creating new friendships where you are.

If you approach this decision with curiosity, rather than pressure, you might just find your anxiety disappears – and a new life opens up.

Anna advises our readers on relationship issues of all sorts, such as friends who make everything about them, worries about a daughter's relationship, addressing health concerns for a loved one and navigating an empty nest, with a new Ask Anna column published in woman&home magazine every month.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.

Getting divorced is one of life’s most stressful events – a process that can be full of uncertainty, anger, hurt, confusion and worry. But divorce can also bring about an end to unhappiness and even abuse, and can lead to a newfound sense of freedom and authenticity. And there are ways to part amicably, as we explain in the article, ‘Divorce doesn’t mean disaster’.

In recent years, there has been a rise in ‘grey’ divorces – perhaps, in part, because women are reaching a certain age and decide that they’d rather separate than stay in an unhappy marriage for the rest of their lives.

This is highlighted in a recent survey by midlife women’s networking site NOON – the organisation’s report ‘Beyond the Break: the truth about divorce in midlife for women’ gives some fascinating insights into the feelings and outcomes of women post-divorce.

For example, a third of the divorced women who took part reported ‘high levels of relief, happiness and freedom’ and being ‘happier than they have ever been’. The downsides?

Women still lack the expert knowledge and emotional support that’s needed to undertake such a stressful process, with less than a third of women (29%) understanding their financial situation before their divorce.

In fact, 65% of divorced women had concerns about their financial wellbeing, yet just 9% of divorced women had taken financial advice. Here, 11 women talk about the impact divorce had on them.

Divorced women share their stories

1) “There is no single hard part about divorce – there are many!” says Jess, who is the founder of The WomenHood, which delivers talks and workshops in businesses and communities to close gender gaps.

Jess, who recently divorced after 10 years of marriage, names some of the difficulties she faced. “The very un-ADHD-friendly legal processes, which are heavily form-based; the confusion and isolation of not knowing where to turn or who to trust; the rage I often felt at the injustice of a system (and a patriarchal society) that fails women and mothers during separation and divorce – often financially.”

In addition to going through a divorce, women like Jess may be dealing with ageing or ill parents, raising children, working, menopause and managing their own diagnoses (in Jess’s case, her late-identified neurodivergence and premature menopause). “Fortunately, the positives more than outweigh the tricky parts,” says Jess.

“I've learnt the hard way that divorce can be our greatest catalyst for positive change. I’ve been to the depths of darkness and back again more times than I can count during the last five years. Admittedly, those dark holes did, at times, feel hopeless. Now I look back and recognise that they were essential lessons I needed to learn: boundaries; speaking up; financial confidence; understanding my own patterns of behaviour and – crucially – asking for help.”

2) The same year her father died, Lisa was faced with the prospect of divorce after 10 years of marriage. It was a very challenging period in her life.

“Mine was protracted, acrimonious, and expensive, which took its toll both financially and emotionally. Also, the guilt – I felt as though I'd let my son down. Now, post-divorce, the worst part is not seeing my son every day as we share custody.”

But there has been numerous positives. "We’d been trapped in a cycle of arguments, resentment and blame, and the end of the marriage marked the end of that pattern. Eventually, it felt as though a constant emotional weight had lifted from my shoulders, and I could breathe again.”

Lisa is getting remarried next year. “My son has a fantastic relationship with my fiancé and it’s given me the chance to show him what a healthy adult relationship looks like. We often disagree, but we resolve arguments quickly and without cruelty. Our home is now peaceful and stable.”

3) “We were best friends since university and in a relationship since my late 20s,” explains 'anonymous', but today he’s only allowed contact “through a third party if there’s is an emergency with the kids.”

There were – and still are – many challenges. “Not seeing the kids when they are with their dad. Being taken to court to try in an attempt to throw me and the kids out of our home. Having finances cut completely.

The obvious sad cruelty directed at me. Seeing how all this affected my parents’ health to the point they’re no longer here,” she says. But now – after being divorced for a year – life has improved and she enjoys being free, with time to direct energy and attention to things that are important.

“I’m very proud of myself and I know my parents would be too. There is much more to life than a divorce. But at the time it’s all encompassing and constant love and support is needed every step of the way. Educate yourself – it helps.”

4) Married for eight years and divorced for five, 'anonymous' now has a friendly, co-parenting relationship with her ex-husband, but the divorce was a testing time. “The day me and the kids moved out of the family home was tough.

My mum was helping and I remember her saying, ‘Well at least it’s your choice’. I remember thinking that although I’d instigated the break it really wasn’t a choice – no one would choose the upheaval or the upset for their children or themselves.”

Things are better now, but they're also harder. “My marriage was so bad it wasn’t a difficult decision, but I worry I won't meet anyone else – I don’t really know what my romantic future looks like, which when I talk to my bored, married friends I feel quite good about," she says.

"My friends in long-term relationships struggle with the idea that their future looks predictable and many are in relationships without intimacy, while I’ve had some flings and relationships since the break-up that have been exciting and life-affirming.”

While she's currently single, she remains resolute that divorce was the right option. “I feel I’ve been brave, and I’m showing my children that you can leave a bad relationship if you need to.”

5) Finances were a thorny issue throughout divorce proceedings for 'anonymous', who met her ex at university, when she was 18. They were married for 30 years and together for 36.

“The hardest part was the division of finances and the issue of who pays for the children and for how long. The short-term impact was traumatic for them – family and professional support was necessary – but, in the long run, the end result has been overwhelmingly positive for the children,” she says.

Life has been on the up since. “My life changed infinitely for the better the minute my husband left the family home. This took six months to achieve, but eventually he accepted that this was the best outcome for the children.”

6) After spending years post-divorce trying to understand what happened, Lucy – who was married for six years – read Vikki Stark’s book ‘Runaway Husbands’ and had a lightbulb moment. “Chapter 13, The Covert Narcissist Husband and The Empath Wife, reflected our relationship. It was as though the scales fell from my eyes, and I finally got closure.”

Her life these days, says Lucy, is “a second life I never expected to have. My priorities are completely different from what they were, and in a good way. Although divorce was painful, it triggered significant personal growth, and I now realise that my ex-husband didn’t deserve me. I don’t regret marrying him, and I don’t regret divorcing him. He was a stepping stone in my life.”

7) Jennifer describes divorce as an “upheaval on every level.” It’s so much to process, she says, while managing school, work, the legal process, and trying to project what your finances will look like.

“Our friends often tell me we had ‘a good divorce’. I’m not sure there’s just one version of a ‘good divorce’ but I’m really happy that when I think back on our time together, it hasn’t been soured. It helped that we hammered out a lot of elements ourselves before going to the lawyers.”

What is, perhaps, less discussed is that when women divorce, they often lose contact with their ex-husband’s family, which can be very painful. “It was devastating as they’ve been so important in my life,” says Jennifer. “But while my relationship with them has changed a lot, we still have one and I’m really grateful for that.”

At first, Jennifer admits that she felt that her life was over at 50. “This important relationship and his family were going away and I’d never meet anyone again and never be happy. I think about this now and it seems a little funny, but I did feel cast adrift emotionally.

The legal bit was easy to handle in comparison!” But now, Jennifer is reaping the benefits. “I feel more motivated to pursue my creative goals. I feel that it’s great to be able to focus on things that are important to me, without the compromise that’s necessary in a marriage.

In a new relationship, I’m able to establish boundaries and expectations from the beginning. Before I divorced, I was really afraid, and I still don’t know the answer to ‘what will become of me?’ but now the meaning of the question is completely different. It’s exciting that I’m crafting the life that I want.”

8) “He holds onto a lot of anger and resentment,” says Julia, about her ex, who she was married to for seven years. Things are still fractious, though they speak about the children. The process was – and still is – hard emotionally.

“He lied a lot to try and ‘get people onside’ and my in-laws don’t really speak to me anymore as they wrongly believe I had an affair! And negotiating holidays and Christmas is always painful and makes the kids feel guilty.”

The financial repercussions were also a shock, and he was unwilling to contribute to the children. “He was the main earner and a wealthy man so it took some years to recover from that,” says Julia.

In fact – and this will resonate with many women – getting her husband to sign the papers was the hardest part. “It took years and was very frustrating. Agreeing the financials was also really tricky; I accepted ridiculously small child maintenance payments and no spousal just to make it end.” But the divorce has given Julia her life back.

“When the kids go to their dad, I get free time which I’ve not had for 16 years. I love the peace and calm and knowing that the house is mine. I’m financially secure and enjoy my freedom. The divorce pushed me to focus on my career and now I have a wonderful career that I’m so proud of. And I have had lovely partners, but I would never marry again.”

9) An uncertain financial future worries Rachel, who was with her ex for 33 years and married for 20 of those. “Life is good, but I worry about whether I have enough pension funds, for example."

Like many women, Rachel found the formal process slow, although splitting finances was fortunately relatively stress-free. “I’ve always worked and it was relatively even between us both."

Now 54 years old, Rachel has been divorced for about two years. Today, the most communication she has with her ex is focused on their adult children and she’s grateful she no longer has to “deal with his childish behaviour." Rachel has a new partner, but she’s found her friendship group has changed. “People find a single woman hard to deal with," she says.

10) In her mid-fifties, after 28 years of marriage, Louise had to contend with a divorce. The hardest part? "Why?" she says. “Why did he decide someone else was better than me?” Three years later, Louise, who lives in Denbighshire, says she’s still dealing with the fallout.

“I’m financially crippled by the mortgage just to stay in my own home, and I’ve no chance of retirement. But he was a burden to me financially and socially, and day-to-day life and my social life is equally good or better without his negativity.”

11) Faith got married in 1987, separated in 2019, and divorced a year ago when both her children were adults. “One struggled, though, as they felt it would be their responsibility to look after the father,” she says. The hardest part of the process for Faith was “getting the paperwork signed by him.”

But the financial agreement that came with the divorce means he can no longer threaten to go after my earnings or pension,” says Faith. “I left with nothing to make disconnecting as quick as possible – I’ve started from scratch.”

How does she feel these days? “Better. I have no one controlling me. My stress levels are much reduced and I can see a future of peace. It’s hard to live alone, as loneliness is tough, but that’s more the children moving on. I’m not missing him at all.”

Today marks one month until Christmas Day, and with the excitement and nostalgia for the season building, the anxiety about hosting friends and family can also begin to bubble up.

Following expert Christmas hosting tips and preparing your home and pantry well in advance of your guests' arrival can certainly help you to feel more in control and on top of things, alleviating some tension. But how can you prepare for the guest that tends to overstay their welcome, expecting to be waited on rather than being a good guest and offering to help?

The reader who wrote to me in this edition of my column was already feeling worried about her sister-in-law's pending Christmas visit – not least because she's invited herself to stay for even longer than usual. Here's how I advise handling these situations with grace...

The overstaying guest

The reader says, "Last year, my husband’s sister spent four days at our house over Christmas, but this year, she’s suggesting she stays almost double that time. She has already looked into treating us to panto tickets and a concert as a thank you, which is kind but makes me feel obliged to say yes.

"She lives 200 miles away and we are hosting, so it makes sense, but she doesn’t help out much, so I feel like a skivvy. Plus she talks non-stop and my husband tends to disappear on errands, so I’m stuck with her.

"How can I diplomatically limit her to four days again? Our son is going to his in-laws this Christmas, so I can’t use him as an excuse."

Sister-in-law relationships can be tricky

Ah, the dreaded sister-in-law. The relationship that rarely gets the airtime it deserves, yet one that can stir up all sorts of complicated feelings.

Unlike a friend, you didn’t choose her. Unlike a sister, you don’t have the history (or love) that allows for blunt honesty.

And yet she arrives, bags in hand, ready to dominate your festive bubble and recreate old family dynamics that you never asked for in the first place. It can be wonderful, for sure – or as you’ve discovered, utterly exhausting.

Your dilemma is actually quite common, and one that I can identify with personally. Not because I don’t like my sisters-in-law – but because I’m probably the sister who stays too long and talks too much!

Research from Relate suggests that in-law tensions are one of the biggest sources of stress in marriage, particularly around Christmas, when expectations run too high and boundaries start to blur.

You’re not being unreasonable for wanting to protect your energy. Four days of full-on banter, with you skivvying while your husband ‘pops out for milk’ yet again, is enough for anyone.

The trick is to find a way of limiting her stay without turning yourself into the bad guy.

Set boundaries now

The first step is to remind yourself that setting boundaries is not the same as rejecting her. It’s simply acknowledging your limits. Think of it like portion control: just as you wouldn’t eat the entire tub of Quality Street in one sitting, you don’t need to gorge on eight days of hosting when four will leave everyone feeling less sick.

Remember the classic adage? Friends, fish and family — they all go off after three days.

So, how to do it diplomatically? Start by being proactive rather than reactive. Drop her an enthusiastic message now. Tell her how much you’re looking forward to having her again, but that you and your husband have decided this year to keep Christmas a little less hectic.

People are surprisingly understanding when you frame it as self-care rather than rejection. The trick is to be inclusive, so try something like, ‘We’d love to have you from the 23rd to the 27th again – it worked really well last year.’

It sets the boundary, and gives you control, while still being kind. By proposing specific dates, you close the door on the marathon visit without needing an elaborate excuse.

Get your husband to help

I’d also suggest that you recruit your husband more actively too. This is his sister, after all, and it’s not fair that you’re left carrying the load.

So, have a word with him now before she arrives and agree on a shared ‘hosting plan’ to divvy up the Christmas jobs so you’re not stuck making small talk and doing all the washing-up while he dodges all the responsibility.

The bottom line is this: Christmas is meant to be a season of goodwill, not martyrdom.

A short, joyful stay from your sister-in-law is far better than a long, resentful one. So by setting loving but firm limits now, you’ll actually preserve your relationship – as well as your sanity.

Anna advises our readers on relationship issues of all sorts, such as friends who make everything about them, worries about a daughter's relationship, addressing health concerns for a loved one and navigating an empty nest, with a new Ask Anna column published in woman&home magazine every month.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.

Relationships naturally go through ups and downs through the years, but are you worried those rough patches are a sign of a bigger problem? There are common themes that make couples compatible and also some red flags to watch out for, says psychologist and relationship expert Dr Carmen Harra. So, how do you know if you’re both in it for the long haul?

In a twist on our usual Quiz of the Day format, which typically tests your knowledge of favourite celebrities, TV shows, royals, music and more, today we're turning the test on you. Dr Carmen Harra, author of Committed: Finding Love and Loyalty Through the Seven Archetypes, suggests asking yourself the 10 questions in the below quiz to see how you and your partner measure up.

Want more quizzes? Catch up with all our previous Quiz of the Day quizzes here.

Take time to think about the result of this quiz, and reflect on your reaction – was it telling you something you hadn't thought of, or confirming your suspicions?

Whatever the result, we have a wealth of articles that may help, from the 7 questions to ask your partner for more intimacy in a relationship to how to keep the spark alive in long-term relationships to how often you should have sex in a relationship, and of course expert sex tips for mature women.

We've also revealed how micro-rejections can hurt your relationship, navigating your relationship as empty nesters and even how one woman's marriage survived an affair, as well as how to have an amicable divorce, should that be on the cards.

It's a question we've all asked our friends: should you voice concerns over someone's choice of partner, or leave them to lie in the bed they've made for themselves?

This dilemma can feel tough enough when you're concerned about someone your friend is dating, but if it's your child? Ouch, biting your tongue on that one must really sting.

So we come to our reader's dilemma in this column, which I can offer my personal experience and professional advice on.

To speak up, or not?

Our reader's dilemma, in her words, is: "My daughter hasn’t had many boyfriends and has always ended up being the one rejected.

"She’s been seeing a lad for a couple of years now and, although he’s not who I would have chosen for her, they seem to get along.

"They moved in together six months ago, and as she’s 30, I know she’s thinking about babies. I’m trying to be open-minded but his family background is quite dysfunctional, he suffers from depression now and then, and I’m afraid for their future with the strain of having children.

"I’m torn between knowing she’s an adult and I shouldn’t interfere, but also feeling that I should share my concern. Of course, it might all go better than my fears suggest – I just want them to be happy. Do you think I should I say something?"

In my experience...

Let me tell you about a young woman I knew who got involved with a guy who was completely unsuitable for her. He was a performer who toured with a rotating door of female fans hanging on his every word and played in dingy dives that looked like crime scenes.

But, boy, was he hot… and for a while, it looked like they were in love.

He had a dysfunctional background, she came from a fractured family, they both had periods where they struggled with anxiety and depression, but they had an understanding – a bond – and despite all the warnings from friends and family, she still pursued him, convinced that she could make it work.

Until it didn’t. Her heart broke, she yearned and she fawned, but eventually she was able to move on. And now she looks back and thinks, ‘Thank God that didn’t work out…’

I know this because that young woman was me – and the lessons I’ve learnt from that period of my life have been invaluable, in spite of the people who love me trying to stop me.

Steady the path she's on

So, first things first. I hear the love and protection in every word you’ve written. You’re not judging your daughter for the sake of it – you’re anxious about her future and wondering whether it will hold joy or pain. That’s completely natural.

And as a mum, even though your baby girl is 30, you still want to wrap her up in bubble wrap and say, ’Don’t go there. It might hurt.’

But here’s the truth. She has already gone there. She has chosen this relationship, with all its complexities, and she’s living that choice.

Which means that your job, if I may gently suggest, isn’t to steer her away from it – it’s to steady the path she is already on.

Addressing the boyfriend's mental health challenges

You mention that her boyfriend suffers from depression and has a difficult family background.

But then let me ask you, how many families do you know that are perfect? Where there’s no conflict? No difficulty? I don’t know any.

Remember, dysfunction doesn’t necessarily breed dysfunction. Many people rise beautifully from chaotic roots, and mental health challenges don’t mean someone can’t be a loving, stable partner or parent.

The key is how those challenges are being managed. Is he getting help? Are they able to talk honestly? Are they building resilience together?

Plant seeds of experience

Sharing your concern is normal. But, instead of voicing your fears to her head-on (which might sound like criticism), just consider her perspective first and approach the conversation from that point of view.

You want her to open up, not shut down completely. And if you’re truly worried about the future strain of parenthood, then gently plant seeds of experience, not doubts.

Encourage them to explore counselling together or have conversations about support systems before they take the leap. Not because you don’t trust them – but because you do.

Anna advises our readers on relationship issues of all sorts, from friends who make everything about them, to disputes with neighbours, to managing a sulky colleague, to addressing health concerns for a loved one to navigating an empty nest and wondering if a husband is having a kinky midlife crisis, with a new Ask Anna column published in woman&home magazine every month.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.

Divorce can be one of the hardest challenges we can face as adults. Recovering from a marriage breakdown and learning how to be happy alone takes time. Author and podcast host Elizabeth Day experienced this first-hand when she separated from her first husband, the journalist Kamal Ahmed, in 2015.

Sitting down with Davina McCall on the Begin Again podcast, Elizabeth talks openly about when she finally realised, aged 35, that she needed to walk away from the relationship. “It’s so painful feeling that you’re in the wrong marriage,” she says. “There is no loneliness quite like it, and I think many people understandably are terrified of being on their own and of taking that step and ending a relationship.”

Davina asks Elizabeth, who’s now 46, what advice she has for people who feel like something isn't right in their marriage. “What I would always say is that the loneliness you’re feeling as part of a couple is the worst kind because you feel sort of alienated from the person who should be the one to make you feel loved and safe and secure,” she says.

Everyone’s situation will be different, but the author says she had a “period of being deeply unhappy but not really knowing what the source of it was and not really knowing" that she was deeply unhappy. "I was numb, really numb, sort of out of it."

Some “key friends” helped her find the courage to end the marriage. “What happened was I allowed my body to take over. I realised this wasn’t going to be an intelligence thing. I couldn’t mentally think my way through it. I had to allow myself to feel it. And then I got to a stage when suddenly - it felt sudden but it was gradual - when I was like ‘I need to leave’ and it just happened. It was an instinct, a primal, bodily instinct that took over,” she explains.

She advises people who are torn over what to do to “trust the process and your body will tell you”. Elizabeth says her own body told her “loud and clear” that she had to go. “It felt like it came from my stomach and not from my head, and it was sort of automatic."

She didn’t think ahead to what the separation would mean for her as a woman in her mid-to-late 30s who would be using dating apps for the first time. She says it was an “emotional safety” aspect, and she just knew she needed to get out, "or I was going to lose myself entirely”.

Elizabeth, whose most recent novel One of Us came out last month, says she is “so grateful” for what her first marriage taught her. “A marriage is not a failure just because it ends,” she says.

“You can always feel sadness for the life unlived, for the thing that didn’t work out, but that doesn’t make it a failure, and it doesn’t make it a wrong choice," she says.

Davina, who divorced after 17 years of marriage to her ex-husband Matthew Robertson, agreed. "Every lesson you learn is preparing you to function brilliantly in the right relationship", she says.

Elizabeth’s divorce was finalised when she was 36, and she says she spent the following few years dating and using dating apps before she met her now-husband, Justin Basini, on Hinge. The couple got married in 2021.

Elizabeth's advice on divorce

• Seek support and advice from your friends and family.
• Trust your gut and follow your instincts.
• You should feel loved, secure, and happy in your relationship. If you don't, something needs to change.
• Divorce is not a failure but an opportunity to change and learn more about yourself.
• It can take time to find the right kind of love again.
• Talking about it openly will help other people going through it.

If you live with your partner, have been together for many years, and spend a lot of time together, it's fair to say that 'the spark' might not be what it once was. With work, house, and any child responsibilities, it's one of the most common relationship issues.

It's exactly the feeling that author Nell Frizzell described on a recent episode of BBC Woman's Hour with host Nuala McGovern. She said that after 10 years with her partner and two children, they spend a lot of time together as a couple, but struggle with keeping the spark.

For listeners experiencing the same situation and wanting to spice up their relationship, she had the following tip: "Invite other people into your relationship. I find my partner incredibly attractive when we are around people we don't see all the time. They ask him questions I wouldn't think to ask. There's a third energy there that I think is really productive, really attractive," she said.

"Those date nights can get very intense if it's just you and the person that you're living with, raising kids with, or maybe running a business with, sitting across the table, trying to come up with something new to say."

To make things easier, Nell said that "bringing in that third energy can be really useful". Now, instead of going on holiday as a couple or as a family, they go away with another family or another couple.

"If we go for dinner, I really like there to be other friends there because we have dinner together most nights. What makes it special is having a new conversation starter or a new opinion, a new perspective," she said. "[It's] novelty within security."

The idea of bringing a "third energy" into your relationship isn't a new concept, but it's certainly one worth trying if you're looking to bring a little more excitement into your relationship.

Esther Perel, a leading psychotherapist and relationship expert, said in a blog post that we tend to be most attracted to our partners (outside the bedroom) in at least one of four scenarios. One of these is 'when I see them through the eyes of another', which is similar to what Nell described here.

Perel says: "Scenarios that show us our partner through the eyes of another can remind us of what we used to see in them or the parts of them we’ve maybe come to take for granted. Seeing someone else react to our partner’s humour or charm or intellect can even make us feel validated, proud, even lucky."

This can help remind you of why you were attracted to your partner in the first place, whether you met them decades or years ago, and help build intimacy in your relationship.

In the comments of the episode shared to Instagram, others agreed with Nell that seeing their partner around other people boosted their attraction. "Yes, totally agree. When I see my partner engage in conversation with friends, I see elements of him that I don’t see as often when it’s just us. How funny he is. How genuine. It’s a helpful reminder when you can sometimes slip into the mundane when it’s just the two of you," one wrote.

Another said: "It’s so refreshing to see them interact with other people, it’s like you get to witness them again for the first time, they’re witty, charming, fun and interested, and it brings back every reason you fell for them in the first place (which you so otherwise forget about when you’re together every day)."

Do you feel the same? Take our quiz below to see if other woman&home readers share your opinion...

There’s something wonderful about being a woman in her 50s, dishing out advice to other people, simply because I’ve personally lived and breathed this particular drama, and have the scars, learning and wisdom to prove it.

I’ve been on both sides of the issue in this Ask Anna column, in which a reader got a promotion at work and is struggling with the behaviour of a colleague she now has to manage. It's a common relationship issue that I was happy to offer some advice on.

Sulky colleague problem

The reader said: "I’ve worked in a senior admin role for many years and recently got a promotion. But the woman I work alongside – who I used to have a good relationship with – resents the fact I am now at a more senior level.

"I’m in the position of managing her and she is behaving like a sulky child, barely looking at me, and being obstructive in not delivering her work on time.

"She also invites other people in the office to join her at lunchtime, but cold-shoulders me. I don’t want to report her to HR, but how can I solve this?"

Adjusting to a new dynamic can be difficult

You and your colleague have my sympathy, because it can be so hard to adapt to a new way of working when one of you feels slighted. Regardless of the rights and wrongs, it’s clear that you’re both struggling. And that’s sad, particularly when you used to get along as colleagues.

First, though, let me congratulate you on your promotion. It’s important to acknowledge that achievement, and I hope you recognise it as much as your company does – because feeling valued, at work and in relationships, is essential.

What really struck me when I read your email were the words "she is behaving like a sulky child, barely looking at me, and being obstructive in not delivering her work on time." What does that sound like to you? To me, it comes across as an angry teenager acting out her hurt.

The root of the issue

In my experience, navigating the transition from colleague to manager is often fraught with challenges, because it disrupts the previously harmonious power dynamic and plays into the psychodrama of being the ‘preferred’.

You used to rub shoulders in the office on an equal footing, no doubt sisters-in-arms against the powers that be, eye-rolling the nonsensical decisions of upper management. But now you’ve become that management.

Sometimes it’s useful to look at team dynamics through the lens of a family, because our families and early years are where our behaviours are formed. Until recently, you were effectively siblings, and management were your parents. Now you’re in the position of parent, your colleague is kicking against your authority and becomes reduced to ‘sulky child’.

And what’s the best way to punish someone in a family? Cold-shoulder them and leave them feeling rejected.

So it may sound odd, but my advice is to use a combination of counselling and parenting skills.

It’s essential to understand that her behaviour stems from insecurity, jealousy and feeling undervalued. Recognising that will help you approach this situation from an empathetic point of view, rather than threats of HR.

Remember that your promotion doesn’t diminish her contributions, and she may need reassurance of her value in the team.

Initiate a conversation

Ask her for a private conversation in a neutral setting where you can both express yourselves calmly, then give her your observations without sounding accusatory.

Saying "let’s talk about how we can continue to work well together" sounds more solution-focused than "we need to talk about your behaviour."

Remember to use active listening by allowing her to express her feelings and grievances fully, without interruption. Acknowledge her emotions, even if you don’t agree with them.

Sometimes, just like a child, people need to feel heard and understood before they can move forward.

Be patient, and give her time. Remember, all anybody wants is a harmonious work environment where everyone can thrive. And by validating her feelings, you can begin to rebuild the camaraderie and trust that has been eroded by the change in your roles.

Anna advises our readers on relationship issues of all sorts, from worries about your daughter's relationship to friends who make everything about them, to disputes with neighbours, to navigating an empty nest and wondering if a husband is having a kinky midlife crisis, with a new Ask Anna column published in woman&home magazine every month.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.

This reader letter is quietly moving, as it comes from a woman going through an experience that may be familiar to many of us, but that none of us would wish on our worst enemy: a battle with cancer.

She acknowledges that she's lucky to have a support network, which I hope lends her the comfort she needs. The power of female friendship is not to be underestimated. However, one friend isn't supporting her in the way that she needs right now.

Here, I give my advice on understanding where the friend is coming from, and how to try to encourage her to listen to our reader.

Too much empathy?

Our reader wrote, "I have recently been diagnosed with cancer. It came as a shock, but I am lucky to have support.

"However, I am having an issue with one of my friends.

"She has previously had cancer and is in remission. Every time I tell her about what I’m going through, she turns the topic to what she went through, and I feel invalidated. How should I handle this?"

Your cancer experience is unique to you

First, thank you for getting in touch and sharing such a personal dilemma in such a public way. What you’re going through will resonate with so many people.

Second, I’m truly sorry about your diagnosis. Receiving news that you have cancer is a life-altering experience, however prepared you may be. It’s completely understandable that you’re feeling sensitive, especially when it comes to the way others are responding to you.

I’m relieved to hear that you have a support system too, even though one of your friends, despite having gone through this herself, isn’t offering you the kind of support you need.

A natural response here is to tut, roll my eyes and say, ‘Ah! I know how you feel,’ and regale you with situations where I’ve shared my latest shock, health fears or heartache with a pal. But I’m not going to do that. Because I don’t know how you feel. And I don’t know how your friend feels. I can only imagine.

Cancer Research UK has an excellent website with top tips from patients that advise people to say, ‘I can only imagine what you’re going through,’ when discussing cancer with someone else.

Every person has a different experience and that goes for you, your friend and the 3.5 million other people living with cancer in the UK.

Your friend thinks she's helping

Before I advise you, it’s important to recognise that everyone comes with their own ‘story’ – all of us view our life through our own personal reality tunnel.

Yes, your pal may be coming across as being insensitive, but I imagine she’d be appalled to think she’s invalidating what you’re going through.

By being kind, supportive and lending you the benefit of a survivor’s journey, she may be reasoning that her solidarity is helping you through your treatment.

It may also be a coping mechanism for her – she might still carry trauma from her own cancer battle, and by talking about it is reassuring herself she’s come through the other side.

That doesn’t mean you have to accept it, but understanding where she might be coming from could help you approach the conversation with compassion rather than frustration.

Try to steer focus to what you need

However, the focus now is on you and what you need to get through what lies ahead. You could try to change the dynamic of the conversation in a non-confrontational way.

Let her know you admire her, that you recognise how difficult her own journey was, but that you’re in a different place and you need to talk about what’s happening to you instead. This signals you value her support, while setting a clear boundary.

If you sense that she isn’t receptive, or that she continues to dominate conversations, you might have to reassess how much emotional space you give to this friendship during your treatment.

It doesn’t mean you need to cut her off, but you can choose to limit how much you discuss your illness with her.

The fact is that you deserve to be heard, supported and validated through one of the most challenging periods of your life.

Cancer is a deeply personal journey, and what you need most is the freedom to express your emotions without feeling overshadowed or compared to someone else’s past.

If she truly is a friend, then she will hear you. If not, then it’s perfectly OK to start prioritising other people who do.

Anna advises our readers on relationship issues of all sorts, from worries about your daughter's relationship to disputes with neighbours and wondering if a husband is having a kinky midlife crisis, with a new Ask Anna column published in woman&home magazine every month.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.

So many letters from readers resonate with me personally – and as the daughter of a parent with vascular dementia, this one particularly hit home.

The reader expressed a difficult situation: they have some serious concerns that her mother-in-law may be developing dementia, but feel lost themselves about how to broach the subject sensitively.

Not wanting to upset a loved one is natural, but health concerns of all kinds need to be addressed promptly, as the reader knows. Luckily, I have plenty of advice to share on this topic.

Dementia concerns

Our reader wrote: "My husband’s mother, who’s in her late 70s, has become very forgetful, is repeating herself and, when we mention it, is defensive. She recently went out and left a pan on the stove, which burnt out, thankfully.

"She’s also becoming socially withdrawn and we’ve realised she’s not taking her medicine, even though she says she has.

"We can’t suggest she gets a memory test as she’d be outraged, plus she has a real dread of ending up in a care home. What can we do?"

There are plenty of ways you can help

Last year, I made a film for Channel 4 called Anna Richardson: Love, Loss & Dementia about the devastating effect the condition can wreak on people living with it and their families. It features my dad, who has vascular dementia, and was one of the most painful things I’ve ever done.

Dementia is the biggest killer in the UK, there are around a million people living with it and two-thirds of those are women. So please believe me when I say my sympathy goes out to you.

It hurts, but there are plenty of ways you can support your mother-in-law without making her feel she’s losing control over her life.

Denial is natural; diagnosis critical

First, bear in mind that denial is a common reaction to cognitive decline. Most of us fear losing our independence, and any mention of memory problems can trigger feelings of anxiety.

It’s no surprise we end up minimising it and trying to manage it alone. Until, of course, something catastrophic happens.

Can I encourage you to seek a diagnosis as soon as you can?

There are many benefits to be gained – not least information to help you and your mother-in-law understand the changes she’s experiencing, treatments to help ease her symptoms and the right support to allow her to live as independently as possible.

Instead of pushing the idea of a ‘memory test’, it might help to take an indirect approach by encouraging her to have a general health check-up.

If you can, let the GP know about your concerns in advance – use Alzheimer’s Society’s symptoms checklist – it will be useful information for her doctor.

Seek practical support

The safety concerns you mention – leaving the pan on the stove and not taking her medication – suggest that she may need some practical support in her daily life.

Things like setting up a medication dispenser with alarms, using Post-it notes or a whiteboard for reminders, or introducing smart technology can help her stay independent while also keeping her safe.

If she’s comfortable with outside help, look at introducing a carer or someone to cook – perhaps presenting it as a way to lighten her load rather than implying she needs supervision.

How to reassure someone showing signs of dementia

It’s completely understandable that she has a fear of ending up in a care home. Many people equate a diagnosis of dementia with losing control over their life, but this isn’t necessarily the case. People with dementia can continue living in their own homes for a long time, especially if they receive the right support.

This is what my dad decided to do, and by discussing it while he still had capacity to do so gave him more control over his life, rather than less.

Try to reassure your mother-in-law that getting checked now means making sure she can stay in her own home for as long as possible – it doesn’t mean losing her independence.

This will be an emotional journey, and I wish you all the very best. Alzheimer’s Society has a fantastic website and its dedicated dementia advisers can help you deal with the journey ahead – please give them a call. They may well be the lifeline you come to rely on. Call the Dementia Support Line on 0333 150 3456.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.

Divorce can be one of the most stressful and traumatic things anyone goes through in life, often creating huge upheaval, fear and uncertainty for adults and children alike.

Sadly, it’s a common experience, with many celebrity divorces making waves through history – and Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban's separation hitting headlines today. In 2023, England and Wales recorded 102,678 divorces, according to the Office for National Statistics, and the US saw 672,502 divorces in 2022, with experts estimating nearly 70% of those splits were initiated by women.

Yet while divorce can lead to conflict, hostility and drawn-out court battles, a growing number of couples are finding ways to separate more amicably. With collaborative legal approaches, coaching, and new forms of support, divorce is increasingly being reframed.

One couple, one lawyer

As a Family Law Barrister, Samantha Woodham was all too aware of the often intensely stressful, horribly slow and painfully expensive process of getting divorced when she pioneered a new legal approach.

In 2017, together with fellow barrister Harry Gates, she set up The Divorce Surgery – the first UK law firm to offer a service where one lawyer advises both parties. This has transformed the process for many families.

“By sharing a lawyer, you’re enabling each of you to have a voice but not an argument – you’re delegating the job of discovering what is fair to an expert who is impartial and whom you rate. You’re also likely to halve your legal costs by sharing a lawyer instead of having one each," Samantha says.

“It gives couples an easy narrative to dial down the drama by saying to friends and family, 'we’re doing this together and sharing a lawyer, please don’t pick sides because we aren’t.’”

Collaborative approaches

Many legal practices now offer this one-lawyer approach. But, even when two lawyers remain involved, there are still ways to make the process collaborative instead of combative, as Claire Macklin, 52, found after her sudden divorce 17 years ago.

“When my husband left in March 2008, it was a bolt from the blue," she says. "The evening had started as normal, but I could sense something was wrong. When I asked if he was okay, he replied, ‘No, not really. I’ve been seeing someone else.’ By 10pm, he had left the house. I was devastated.

“Despite the brutal start to our separation, I quickly realised I had a choice about how I dealt with it. I did not want the divorce to define me – I wanted to swim, not sink,” says Claire.

So, she chose to focus on what she could control, to stay calm and never to email when angry. She also strived to ensure she approached interactions with a happy, rather than bitter, intent.

“The strategies I used all meant I could put my feelings aside when I communicated with my soon-to-be ex. We were able to agree that the children's emotional wellbeing needed to be at the centre of all our decisions and to focus on that,” Claire says.

Divorce coaching

“As a result, we used a collaborative divorce process where we both had a solicitor, but we met around a table with a commitment to avoid courts.

"This enabled us to work together to resolve our finances between us, rather than being adversarial, and we were able to agree on the aspects of the divorce involving the children between ourselves without legal input,” continues Claire.

Having gained many powerful insights from her own collaborative experience, Claire set up as a Divorce Coach in 2017. She has since coached hundreds of clients on everything from scenario planning conversations to creating clear visions for the future, frequently working alongside solicitors, financial advisers and other divorce professionals.

Lisa, 55, from Cornwall, engaged Claire as her Divorce Coach when she split from her husband in 2018 after 21 years of marriage. She found her advice invaluable in navigating this legal and emotional maze with less friction than expected.

“I was scared and angry at the start of the process and had huge amounts of fear and heartache. Unable to sleep and running on adrenaline, I was facing a very frightening and uncertain future,” shares Lisa.

“With a lot of big life decisions ahead, I‘m so glad I invested in divorce coaching from Claire. She helped me build a strong vision for what a life well lived could look like.

“Our work together also enabled me to act in a more assured and different way when meeting my ex as we navigated shared childcare of our youngest son, then aged 13.

“Claire showed me that every challenge presented choices I could make to move forward with a feeling of confidence. She also helped me prepare what to say during scenarios I was fearful about facing.”

Holistic support

Further support is also available from Divorce Doulas such as Farhana Hussain, who combines practical strategy with simple somatic tools like breathwork and movement. She works with clients on their body, mind, and inner strength to help them feel calm, clear, and confident through the divorce process and ready to rebuild their lives.

Nectaria, a 46-year-old fitness professional, credits Farhana with transforming what could have been a traumatic ordeal into a manageable experience when she filed for divorce in 2022 after nine years of marriage.

“Farhana taught me simple breathwork, which helped hugely when I was panicked or frozen. It calmed my nervous system so I could think clearly again. I still use it today,” shares Nectaria.

“Without Farhana, the guilt and shame might have crushed me. I was ready to accept breadcrumbs just to get the divorce over with, but she reminded me of my value, steadied me at my most fragile and reminded me of my strength. That changed the outcome of my settlement and my future.

“She helped me regulate my body, reframe my worth, and start to build a new vision for myself and my son.”

In a world where bitter legal battles seem to dominate the divorce narrative, these stories provide a welcome counterpoint. They show that divorce can be navigated in a way that preserves dignity, minimises conflict, and protects future connections – especially when children are involved.

The key isn’t avoiding separation, but approaching it collaboratively, respectfully, and constructively as a new life chapter begins.

You might think that after 20 years of marriage, you’ll be looking for ways to revive romance in a relationship or for tips to avoid relationship burnout, but, if anything, the opposite is true for Sophie Ellis-Bextor and her husband, Richard Jones.

Appearing on Davina McCall’s Begin Again podcast, Sophie revealed that she and her husband have “been married for a properly long time”.

It’s been two decades, with them both being “just 22” when they met back in 2002, after he auditioned for her band.

As luck would have it, he made the cut and joined Sophie on tour – though the sparks weren’t flying yet.

“I have to say I was always quite cynical when people talked about being friends with someone they later became involved with romantically. I was like, ‘how can that happen?’,”

Sophie said, as she shared that her and Richard’s love took some time to blossom. But that friendship is now exactly what Sophie credits for their long and strong partnership.

“It sets up a really healthy dynamic and it means you like each other,” Sophie said. “Because, as you know, with busy life and work life and family life, there’s lots of time where you’re just getting by. And it’s not about the big broad romantic gestures. It’s just working alongside someone, a lot of things and logistics.

“If you have actually got a good foundation of mutual like and respect and boundaries that you don’t cross within that, I think it sets you up really well for a much more happy relationship,” she added.

Later in the interview, Sophie revealed that she knew the relationship was “serious” when she found out she was pregnant, though she’d known from her and Richard’s first date that he was the one.

Sophie said, “I think it's when we found out we were having a baby, probably… Actually, you know what? That's not quite fair. I think probably from the time we had our first date, or maybe even from when we were really good friends and I realized, ‘oh, if I've got something I want to share, it’s Richard [who's] the one I want to share it with.’”

They’d been keeping their relationship quiet, but when she found out she was having a baby, that changed. “We'd been going out, I think we’d probably had a couple more dates, been going out for about six weeks. And then I realized I'm pregnant.

“Three or four months” into the relationship, about to become parents together, Sophie said that’s when she knew for sure that Richard was the one.

“I was like, ‘this is a good relationship.’ But it was the first time I'd gone out with someone kind,” she said. “It’s such an underrated quality, just someone who's nice to you and supportive.”

Dropping off your children at university for the first time is a milestone likely to stir up a vat of emotions. You may feel concern for their wellbeing, excitement for this new chapter in their – and your – life, nostalgia for the past 18 years, and even a bit lost when you first return home.

Let's be honest, in the chaos of raising children, life can often feel hectic, and there may well have been moments when you've yearned for the peace and quiet of an empty home. But when the dust from their moving boxes settles and it's just you and your partner every evening, the reality may feel a little less comfortable than you'd hoped.

Our reader below cites a common feeling: a disconnect from her husband, that became apparent when their children flew the nest. Luckily, I have tried and tested advice for her and others in this situation.

Empty nest relationship issues

Our reader wrote: "Since our twins went to university last year, my husband and I have drifted. We get on but there’s no spark.

"He’s a homebody and loves pottering in the garden or watching TV, whereas I am out and about relishing the freedom of not having kids to fend for.

"We’re planning a holiday – our first as a couple in years – and I am afraid it will show up the cracks. I don’t even know if I want us to stay together or whether the best is behind us."

Kids leaving home often marks a turning point in a marriage

Your confusion about the state of your marriage is palpable – as though you’ve woken up to discover you’re living with a stranger, and that must feel horrible.

So, firstly, I want to reassure you that what you’re experiencing is common – but in the wake of your once-bustling family life, it can feel isolating and even a little frightening.

The kids leaving home often marks a turning point in a marriage, and it’s perfectly natural to look at your partner and think, ‘Who are we now?’

For most of us, raising children requires intense teamwork. You’re on the same side, juggling school runs, mealtimes and teenage drama. Even though that shared purpose can act as glue, it can also mask a deeper disconnection.

In all that busyness, it’s easy for couples to slide into being excellent co-managers, while your romantic connection takes a back seat.

An opportunity to grow

So when the children move out, what’s left is not only a quieter home but an emotional gap that’s been years in the making.

The good news? Rather than grieving, take this moment as a powerful opportunity to change instead.

A couple of years ago I tried Imago Relationship Therapy with my other half, and can thoroughly recommend it. It teaches us that we’re often drawn to partners who help us heal childhood wounds. Over time, unresolved hurt can unconsciously resurface and we can end up acting out in the relationship, which then causes conflict.

The key is not to avoid this discomfort but to lean into it – with curiosity and compassion.

Talk from the heart

A simple but powerful Imago tool you can begin using right away is the Imago Dialogue. Set aside a time to talk – 20 or 30 minutes – where one partner talks about how they feel and the other listens without interrupting.

The listener then mirrors back what they’ve heard, with absolutely no judgement, and acknowledges that those feelings are real.

Finally, empathise – really try to imagine what it must feel like for the other person. This may sound simple but it’s incredibly powerful, and if you practise it regularly, you can shift from emotional distance to true emotional connection.

The other thing you could try is a weekly ‘date with no agenda’. It could be a walk, a museum visit, a pub quiz – anything that isn’t about logistics or family, but about reconnecting as individuals.

Think back to what you both enjoyed before you started a family. What excited you? What brought you together in the first place? What is it that you love and value about this man?

And please don’t be afraid to seek professional support. A trained couples counsellor or Imago therapist can help guide you through this new phase, helping to nudge you towards a deeper understanding.

Remember, love in long-term relationships isn’t static. It evolves. The love you’re seeking isn’t necessarily the same love you started with – but it can be something older, wiser, and even more intimate if you want it to be.

You are not alone. And, yes – there is a way back.

Anna advises our readers on relationship issues of all sorts, from worries about your daughter's relationship to friends who make everything about them, to disputes with neighbours and wondering if a husband is having a kinky midlife crisis, with a new Ask Anna column published in woman&home magazine every month.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.

In a long-term relationship, it's incredibly common for sexual intimacy to go up and down at different points in our lives, as you evolve as individuals and as a couple, as you face stresses and strains as well as joys and pleasure.

In this Ask Anna column, a reader sought my advice about her husband's difficulties in getting an erection, which was making her feel undesirable.

It's such a common problem (hence the popularity of those little blue pills), but taboos often stop us from talking about problems in the bedroom and how to boost libido. Luckily, I was happy to advise.

Changes in the bedroom

The reader said: "My husband is in his early 50s and seems fit and healthy, but in the last year he has been having difficulty getting an erection. Previously, we had a fairly regular sex life.

“I’ve reassured him that it doesn’t matter and I’ve tried to make more effort in the bedroom – sexy lingerie and even booking a romantic weekend away, but it hasn’t helped.

“We’ve never been very good at talking about sex and I know he’d never see the doctor about it.

His work is stressful – there have been redundancies so he’s feeling the pressure, but I’m worried that I no longer excite him.”

Don't let this common problem knock your self-esteem

One of the biggest myths we have to deal with in relationships is that men have insatiable sexual appetites – and whereas women struggle to keep up with it, men have no difficulty with ‘keeping it up’ at all. This is, of course, nonsense. I want to reassure you that what you’re both experiencing is a very common relationship issue.

Navigating changes in sexual dynamics within a relationship can be tricky, especially when you say you’ve both ‘never been very good at talking about sex’.

But what worries me here is that you seem to be making all of the effort – buying the sexy lingerie to excite him, booking a romantic weekend away to ignite the flame of desire – all while your husband is quietly keeping his head very firmly in the sand.

When a couple has a problem and one of them won’t discuss it, then really, you have two problems; and your confusion and unhappiness is starting to erode your self-esteem.

I think it’s important to recognise that this issue now needs a more comprehensive approach.

Common reasons for ED

When it comes to erectile dysfunction (ED), there are two things to consider: the physical reasons for why the blood flow to the penis is insufficient, and the psychological reasons for why it may not be getting there in the first place.

And remember, the two are not mutually exclusive – in other words, it’s perfectly possible that your husband may be hot with desire all day long, it’s just that his penis isn’t getting the message.

That’s why I’m keen for you to gently encourage him to pay a visit to the GP – simply to rule out any underlying physical illness. As a man in his 50s, there could be several issues lurking beneath the surface that might be affecting his ability to get an erection, including high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes. If this is the case, he can take active steps to lower them – including medication.

If everything checks out physically, then you both need to consider what’s going on psychologically for your husband. Stress, tiredness and anxiety can cause ED, and given that you’ve mentioned he has a stressful job and is feeling the pressure of redundancies at work, it’s perhaps no surprise that he’s lost his mojo.

I wonder if you could help him to find healthy ways to manage his stress? Exercise, mindfulness, hypnosis or other interests that distract him from work could be all he needs.

Work on your relationship together

And then, finally, there’s the two of you. Plus, the elephant in the room that’s your sex life. Consider seeking some couples counselling from a psychosexual or relationship therapist to improve your communication around sex and intimacy in a safe way.

You could also explore alternative forms of intimacy that don’t rely solely on penetrative sex, to remove the pressure from both of you. That could be as simple as deep kissing, cuddling or enjoying some ethical porn.

Have you lost touch with your sensual selves? Maybe it’s time to reconnect with what you both find erotic. Remember, true intimacy is about connection and closeness – when you start to prioritise each other’s wellbeing, you can rediscover pleasure again.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.

A match flared and then voom! Up went a pile of wedding photos in flames. A moment later my girlfriends and I were stabbing a huge, tiered cake to death, in a shower of crumbs. Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive was blaring from the speakers.

After 30 years of marriage, my girlfriend Angela* discovered her spouse lying face down, naked, on his curvaceous personal trainer. Her husband’s marriage vows clearly should have said: ‘Till death us do part… or till someone hotter comes along.’ A husband-ectomy shortly followed. Angela’s divorce party is the third I’ve been to this year.

My daughter and I are party animals, but at the moment we are at very different ends of the celebration spectrum. While my dear girl heads off every weekend for a wedding, to throw confetti and catch bouquets, I’m licking black icing off a Dead Groom cake topper, dyeing wedding veils black and placing engagement rings in tiny coffins.

Divorce party season is here

If you’re enjoying a long, happy marriage… well, you’re a winner in life’s lottery. But 42% of British marriages now end in divorce. Affairs, alcoholism, squandering life savings on Bitcoin – the divorce gripe list is long.

But instead of going for a medal in the women’s long-distance cross-bearing, dumped wives are now going on a raucous girls’ nights out, instead. No more sobbing into books entitled Why Husbands Leave Their Wives and Why It’s All Your Fault, You Middle-Aged Frump.

No. The first step to female healing is now a cathartic celebration of cake-smashing and wedding-dress-slashing.

All my divorced girlfriends have had rock-solid reasons for unknotting their nuptials. The day after Jenny’s* silver wedding anniversary, her hubby suddenly announced that he could only really enjoy sex if he brought along his best friend… a gay manicurist called Merlin.

My actor chum cited irreconcilable differences, especially when it came to dental hygiene. Apparently her spouse seemed to think it was OK to put another woman’s tongue in his mouth.

Divorce party etiquette

If asked to a divorce party, your main job is to trash your friend’s ex. I suggest you use one of the following lines: ‘I can’t believe you married the only living brain donor in human history.’ ‘How tall is he? So I can order his body bag.’ Or ‘Your ex-hubby’s as useful as a solar-powered vibrator on a rainy day.’

Your other task is to make sure your pal doesn’t drive after drinking. No police officer is going to be moved by the fact your girlfriend feels the need to keep her car with her at all times, just so it won’t leave her for a younger owner.

Of late, I’ve prevented one tipsy divorcee from dancing naked on a table top and another from setting fire to her husband’s suits… proof that the best gift you can give a heartbroken friend is love, loyalty and laughter. The lesson I’m passing on to my daughter? Husbands may come and go, but girlfriends remain faithful.

*Names have been changed

Long before spooning was a romantic gesture, it was a way to sleep with someone you trusted. In prehistoric times, cavemen used to sleep together naked in the spooning position as a way to keep each other warm in the winter, and to offer protection against potential predators.

While we don't have such worries nowadays, spooning remains a way to feel closer to your partner and maintain intimacy in a relationship.

There are so many benefits to spooning for both mind and body, so what's it all about?

What does spooning mean?

Spooning is a type of cuddle where two people lie facing the same direction. One person faces away while the other person lies behind, stomach to back.

The phrase 'spooning' was coined for this position, as you'll look like two spoons stacked sideways together in the cutlery drawer. The one being hugged from behind is called the "little spoon". The other is the "big spoon". Traditionally, the taller person will be the big spoon and the smaller person will be the little spoon, but not always.

When this is reversed, people affectionately call it "jetpacking" or "jetpack cuddling". This is because the smaller person looks a bit like a human jetpack on the other's back.

Many people taking the big spoon position wrap their arms around their partner, but the arms and legs can go anywhere that feels comfortable. Some people also like to intertwine their legs with their partner's, while others just keep them next to each other.

What are the benefits of spooning?

There are several huge physical and psychological benefits of spooning, according to research published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine. Most importantly, spooning - and hugging more generally - leads to a release of oxytocin.

The study examined 38 couples who lived together, aged between 20 and 49 years old. All involved went through 10 minutes to resting alone. Then 10 minutes of "warm contact" - i.e. hugging - with their partner. After this, there was a further 10 minutes of post-contact rest by themselves. The researchers discovered a strong link between partner support and higher oxytocin levels. This was the same for both men and women in the study.

Also known as the "feel good" hormone, the rush of this hormone makes us feel very happy, comforted, supported and loved. But as well as having psychological benefits, it also has secondary impacts on the body that produce serious health benefits.

1. May lower blood pressure

Research published in the Journal of Biological Psychology found that a higher level of oxytocin was linked to lower blood pressure and heart rate, especially in premenopausal women.

The study examined 59 women before and after "warm contact with their husbands/partners ending with hugs". They discovered that those who had more frequent hugs with their partner had higher oxytocin levels.

In addition to this, they found lower blood pressure and lower resting heart rate than others.

2. May lower cortisol levels

If you're looking to learn how to lower your cortisol levels (the stress hormone), look no further than your bedmate. The release of oxytocin has been proven to reduce stress, alleviate pain, and boost the immune system.

According to a study published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine and Psychotherapy, this is because oxytocin reduces cortisol levels in the human body.

For the same reason, spooning can also be a natural anxiety remedy. The combination of oxytocin-induced low cortisol levels and low blood pressure puts the body in an anxiolytic-like state. This "stimulates different variants of social interaction", easing anxiety in those who are chronically prone to the condition.

This, in turn, helps those who struggle with anxiety-based insomnia get into a stage of sleep known as deep sleep, which is essential for all the body's processes.

3. May promote wound healing

Yes, really. There are studies that suggest oxytocin promotes growth and wound healing. So, if you get a papercut, it's time for a cuddle.

Oxytocin plays a major role in the process of angiogenesis (creating new blood vessels). Research from Università degli Studi di Milano shows that injuries take more time to repair themselves when people are under stress or experiencing emotional turmoil. Both of these situations have links with lower oxytocin levels.

Another study looking at couples found that the physical wounds of those who had intense conflict behaviour in their relationship healed 40% slower than the wounds of those who were in relationships without conflict.

4. Creates intimacy without sex

Away from the impact of oxytocin on the body, spooning creates "intimacy without sex", says Emma Davey, a relationship counsellor at MyTraumaTherapy.

"It makes you feel loved, wanted and cared for, which everyone in a relationship wants to feel. Feeling all these things makes you want to be closer and more trusting of your partner," she says. In turn, this can help spice up your relationship.

For those who may struggle to articulate their feelings or show affection in other ways, spooning can be the answer, she adds.

"It’s a very private act where your partner can show you affection in a way that’s natural to them. For example, they may struggle to articulate their feelings for you or hold your hand in public. But in private, when it’s just the two of you, they can show they care strongly and deeply about you. They’re trying to keep you safe and comfort you in the night."

5. Can help boost your sex life

Spooning can also improve the sexual side of your relationship. There's the spooning sex position, of course, but even spooning without a sexual element can help you have better sex and improve satisfaction in the bedroom.

A review linked to the University of Connecticut looked into this. Researchers examined several papers and found that adults (regardless of gender) in relationships characterised by frequent affectionate behaviours were "more sexually and rationally satisfied than adults" in relationships where there was little affectionate behaviour.

"Remember, a hug can be a thousand words. If you’re feeling low within yourself, just having your partner there and holding you can be enough to make you feel safe, loved and supported," says Davey.

How long should you spoon for?

Most of the studies we've looked at have concluded that around 10 minutes of spooning is enough to produce good oxytocin levels.

However, as family therapist Virginia Satir once famously told Forbes magazine, "We need four hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth. While that may sound like a lot of hugs, it seems that many hugs are better than not enough."

Cuddling vs spooning

Cuddling is the general name for close, affectionate bodily contact. Spooning is a type of cuddling.

They both involve body-to-body contact, but spooning is almost always done in a bed where you have more space and are lying down.

If access to paid sex becomes easier, would it act as a way to help protect sex workers and keep them safe, or would it inadvertently fuel the violence against women and girls endemic? It's a question at the forefront of many minds right now, and one with so many layers of complexity, it's hard to know where to start with answering.

Last night's Channel 4 documentary 1000 men and me: The Bonnie Blue Story further complicates the situation. The hour-long show follows OnlyFan's Bonnie Blue (real name Tia Bellinger) as she attempts to sleep with 1,000 men in 12 hours, and her 'work' isn’t seen as a moral issue at all - it’s a business decision.

But Blue isn't a sex worker, she's a 'content creator', her business model being to have sex with men for free, the footage of which she then uploads to OnlyFans for her subscribers to buy online. Her family, who are all on her payroll, are fully behind her career choice. Her mother, Sarah, is unapologetically supportive – even joking on camera, “If you could earn a million pounds in a month, your morals would change and you’d get your bits out.”

It feels like the renewed discussions of decriminalising sex work in the UK, and organisations like the English Collective of Prostitutes (ECP) pushing for it, comes at a time when misogyny is rife and the lines between women's empowerment and exploitation is becoming increasingly blurred. After all, if sex work is just another service, as Bonnie Blue’s team would insist, why would it be considered a criminal offence at all? Are we entering a new era of recognition, or legitimising a culture that too often celebrates misogyny?

Calls for change

In the UK – except Northern Ireland – exchanging sex for money is legal. It’s the law around finding clients that lands sex workers in trouble. Loitering for business, working with others inside premises and advertising sexual services are all outlawed under the Sexual Offences Act 2003. With Bonnie Blue advertising her 'services' on social media, is this indeed blurring lines?

Advocates say this criminality drives sex work underground. They call for decriminalisation – the end of all prostitution-specific laws, requiring sex workers to simply abide by the same employment, planning, health and safety rules as the rest of us.

‘In countries where sex work has been decriminalised, criminal laws have been replaced with health and safety rules, and we need the same here,’ says Laura Watson of the ECP. ‘We don’t think women should have to choose between simply making ends meet and breaking the law.’

The ECP estimates there are around 73,000 sex workers in the UK, 88% of whom are female. When times are tough economically, the numbers rise. An ITV Wales This Week report in 2024 found the number of women selling sex in Wales had almost doubled in 18 months.

‘The lifelong impact of criminalisation is immense, considering most women are just trying to get by, and to feed themselves and their children,’ says Laura.

The stigma created by criminality leads to increased violence against sex workers, with victims feeling unable to report rapes and other assaults. One investigation, involving 402 workers over nine years, showed the mortality rate of women in the industry was 12 times higher than in the general population.

‘The laws in the UK serve no purpose other than to persecute sex workers, preventing them from working together for their safety,’ says Laura. ‘And they can’t report violence without fear of being prosecuted themselves.’

Some women have been able to move their business online to reduce the risks of violence, screening clients ahead of appointments and swapping warnings about potentially dangerous punters. In a study of 641 UK sex workers by Leicester University, 80% reported that the internet had improved the quality of their working life.

Sex and the law

Recognising the challenges, the National Police Chiefs’ Council (NPCC) recommends not criminalising women, who are often vulnerable, and instead targeting their male clients – the so-called Nordic model. Avon and Somerset Police has been an early adopter of this strategy for its Op Boss operation in Bristol.

Officers in plain clothes are sent out to safeguard female sex workers and disrupt men buying sex. The force also works with Night Light – a collaboration between the police, children’s charity Barnardo’s and the city council – to give out condoms and rape alarms to sex workers, and speak to them about young people who are at risk.

Yet where laws criminalise only the clients – as happens in Sweden, Norway, Iceland and Canada – it can still push prostitutes into dangerous situations to protect their customers. An LSE report said 96% of those it had interviewed found the Nordic model of legislation to be unsafe. And where sex work is legal but regulated – places such as the Netherlands, Germany, Thailand, and Nevada in the US – the concern remains of a two-tier system, with the most vulnerable workers remaining illegal and outside the law’s protection.

In Belgium, New Zealand and some Australian states, on the other hand, prostitution is a business like any other. According to the ECP, 90% of sex workers in New Zealand reported improved employment, health and safety rights since decriminalisation in 2003, while 65% found it easier to refuse clients and 70% said they were more likely to report incidents of violence to the police. Decriminalisation returns control to the women themselves.

Challenges ahead

We might all agree that those working in the sex industry should be protected, but there are problems. In 2014, Britain’s first legal red-light zone was trialled in Holbeck, Leeds. The scheme was scrapped in 2021, with residents claiming schoolgirls had been propositioned, sex had taken place in gardens, and discarded condoms and needles had been found.

There are other questions too. Would you want a brothel operating in your neighbourhood? And would decriminalisation legitimise the exploitation of women?

The Netflix drama Adolescence recently fuelled a national debate around the issue of toxic masculinity, with concerns that influencers like Andrew Tate are creating a new generation of misogynists. Then there’s online porn star Bonnie Blue, who hit the news back in January for sleeping with 1,000 men in 12 hours, and is all over the media once again following the release of a new Channel 4 documentary 1000 men and me: The Bonnie Blue Story on 29 July. With voices like Tate’s and Blue’s in the ascendant, is it really a good time to be encouraging poor male behaviour?

Actor and sex worker rights advocate Megan Prescott, whose podcast Really Good Exposure explores inequalities in women’s work, acknowledges many people would be uncomfortable living next door to even a well-run brothel – but says it’s unlikely to happen. She also stresses the importance of focusing on consensual sex, not turning a blind eye to the exploitation of vulnerable females.

‘People think of brothels as being seedy places with men trafficking women – but in a decriminalised system, women would be free to report instances of assault or coercion without fear of being prosecuted. There would be planning rules that would prevent random brothels popping up in residential areas – just like a nightclub would be prevented in doing so.’

Megan, who as a teenager played Katie Fitch in E4’s Skins, has spoken about her time working as a stripper. She is a trustee for National Ugly Mugs, a charity working towards making sex work safer.

‘It’s a moral judgement, and we’re all entitled to that,’ she says. ‘But you can’t police others for doing something you don’t agree with, as long as they are not hurting anyone else.

‘The fact is, sex work is not going away, so the choice is between making it more dangerous and punishing those involved, or making sure women are safer and have clear exit routes if and when they want to stop.’

‘We don’t seek to glamorise or promote prostitution,’ says Laura. ‘For most women, it’s a choice out of a bad set of choices, but it’s often a route out of poverty. Rather than worry about an increase in prostitution, people should focus on what is happening to women in poverty. It’s this poverty that’s immoral, not what women do to survive it.’

For some, like Bonnie Blue, sex work isn’t about survival – it’s a multimillion-pound brand. But when glamour and shock value dominate the headlines, is it harder to hear the voices of women working at the margins, who simply want safety, dignity, and the right to leave?

Tell us your thoughts in the comments below.

When you’ve tried all the ways to revive romance in a relationship and things still just don’t feel right, relationship expert Jillian Turecki wants you to get “really honest with yourself” and ask; Is it time to walk away?

You know your partner isn’t a “bad person,” and there’s nothing dramatically wrong in your relationship. It’s just not clicking, even after learning how to ask your partner for more intimacy. Well, Jillian says, “To walk away from someone you care about, who cannot meet your needs, is one of the bravest acts you can do.”

In a candid Instagram video, the author and life coach explains, “It doesn’t necessarily make them a bad person. In fact, it’s not even about them. They could be a really good person, and that’s why walking away can be so hard.”

But, she adds, just because someone is a good person, it doesn’t make them the right person for you.

“By walking away, you’re doing them a favour as well,” she explains. If you can’t be fully yourself, fully happy with this person, how do you know that they’re not feeling the same? And it doesn’t mean that there’s someone else that you want to see, or something drastic that needs to change in your life, it simply means that you’re “choosing yourself,” Jillian says.

“This is honestly what it means to choose yourself. It just means recommitting yourself to the life that you know you must lead. And it’s getting really honest with yourself and being able to finally admit that the life you’re meant to lead can’t be done if you’re in a relationship with this person,” she continues.

In the caption of her video, she added the reminder that "walking away isn’t always giving up.” It’s actually the beginning of something new.

"Many stay too long in relationships where neither person is thriving. But when someone leaves with respect, they give both people the chance to find a love they actually deserve."

It's the story that has gripped the world for the last few days - former CEO of Astronomer, Andy Byron, and HR specialist, Kristin Cabot, on Coldplay 'kiss cam' - and the conversations show no signs of slowing down.

More fuel has been added to the fire with the appearance of 'statements' issued by Andy's wife, Megan Byron. One such statement was picked up by relationship expert Mel Schilling on Instagram, and while it is yet to be verified, it has sparked further discussion and highlighted some key learnings about the experience of betrayal.

We spoke to Mel for some expertise on the situation, and her advice for anyone finding themselves navigating betrayal.

Mel Schilling on navigating betrayal

When Megan Byron’s statement about her husband’s public betrayal dropped online, it didn’t just go viral, it sent a shiver down the spine of every person who’s ever had to swallow their pride in the face of humiliation. But let’s get one thing straight, Megan wasn’t spiraling.

She was standing still with her shoulders back, chin lifted and eyes unflinching.

As someone who has spent over two decades coaching people through emotional minefields, I can tell you with certainty that this was not the behaviour of a woman falling apart. This was the voice of a woman rising.

Betrayal can cut deep. Whether it’s infidelity, dishonesty, or emotional abandonment, that moment when trust shatters is like having the rug pulled out from under you. You can be left spinning, questioning what was real and who you are in its aftermath.

But let me be clear. Betrayal doesn’t have to be the end of your story. It can also be the turning point.

And how you navigate it will define your next chapter, not the person who broke your trust. I think we can extract some key lessons from Megan’s smart and strategic response:

Feel the feelings, but don't let them run the show

Shock, rage, grief and humiliation - these are all normal and completely expected. Let them in. Give them space. But don’t let them take the wheel. You are allowed to feel, but you don’t have to act from that place.

Cry if you need to. Scream into a pillow. Call a friend who won’t try to fix it, but just hold space.

It’s important to separate your feelings from your actions. Feel it now, act on it later.

Choose dignity over performance

We live in a world where public meltdowns get likes, and grace is expected even when you’ve been gutted. But real power is quiet.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation or a public dissection of your pain.

Channel your energy into what serves you and lifts you up. Maybe it’s therapy, journaling, workouts, work, whatever reminds you who you are without them. Take the time to invest in yourself and rebuild your strength (without the noisy audience).

Reclaim your boundaries

Betrayal often stems from blurred boundaries. Now is the time to redraw them boldly and unapologetically. Ask yourself:

• Who gets access to me now?
• What behaviour is no longer acceptable?
• What version of myself am I no longer willing to shrink into?

Betrayal doesn’t just teach you about others. It reveals where you need to stand stronger.

As Megan said in her statement, “I am not spiralling, I am ascending” and I think this is the most powerful reframe of a betrayal I’ve ever heard. She is demonstrating that someone else’s mistake can become the making of you, your opportunity for a new chapter and an uprising of your strength. You just need to get your mindset right.

You may be one of the nearly half a million listeners enjoying the latest series of The Affair... by Anna Williamson podcast. But what does it feel like to go through an earth-shattering betrayal, and come out the other side feeling stronger and able to give it another go with your partner?

After discovering her husband's infidelity, Jo* was convinced their marriage was over - but what followed was a journey of healing, forgiveness, and ultimately rebuilding something stronger. Here she tells us how they saved their relationship.

"When I started at university in the late 90s, I sat beside a gorgeous girl who became my new best friend – and fell in love with her brother, Paul*. We’ve been together ever since. We married in 2005, and had busy lives bringing up two sons and holding down challenging jobs. I was in the retail industry and Paul worked in finance.

"We’d been married for about 10 years when I spotted text messages on his phone that were not meant for my eyes. They were between my husband and a woman he’d met on a weekend boys’ ski holiday. It seemed clear to me something was going on but when I confronted him about the texts, he was adamant that I was reading too much into them.

"It was a complicated situation, as we were going on a family holiday the next day with our sons, who were both under 10.

"It was a difficult trip. If I ever look back at photos, I can see the mental strain on my face.

"Although Paul denied having an affair, he agreed we should get help, as the fact he had been secretive highlighted something was missing in our relationship. We started marriage counselling, and with therapy, we decided to put the past behind us and move on."

How I discovered the affair

"However, two years later, in 2016, I got WhatsApp messages from the same woman, who had got hold of my number. She told me the relationship had continued.

"Paul, who was with me, tried to grab the phone from me – but it was too late. From the photos she sent, he couldn’t deny anything. I'd had no idea.

"At the time, I was dealing with the loss of my mother, who had died a few months before. I went to see the GP and was diagnosed with PTSD and clinical depression. I also had insomnia and disordered eating. I think a lot of it was due to shock."

"We separated immediately. Paul moved in with his parents, while I stayed in the family home with the boys.

"Paul was as broken as I was. In the darkness of that time, I remember him saying to me, ‘I know you will never believe a word I say, but I will spend the rest of my life proving to you that I made a mistake, and that you can love me and you can trust me. I will do whatever it takes to be with you and the boys.’

"While I’d decided that our marriage was over, Paul was clear he wanted to get back together and to heal, but he didn’t put pressure on me.

"Both of us worked individually with therapists and healers. We also saw a marriage counsellor together because we had two children, and we didn’t want what had happened to us to impact them."

Moving back in together

"I was speaking to divorce lawyers and solicitors, and looking for a new house to rent with the boys. Then, one day, about six months after we’d separated, Paul sent me a text message. He’d seen a run-down house that he thought would be an opportunity for us to do up together.

"‘Ultimately, I would love to make this into a family home but I understand that is not where you are now,’ the text read. ‘I see it as a chance to develop and sell, and have that investment for us and our boys’ future. I would love you to come and have a look.’

"Eventually, I agreed to view the house. I had been using meditation and mindfulness to help myself heal through the plethora of mental health issues. Every day I would get the boys to school, then lie on my bed and focus on the feelings of being happy. In this transcendental meditation, my future would always be about being in a garden.

"When I walked into the garden of the house Paul had found, it literally took my breath away. It was like the garden I had imagined and I immediately felt that I could be happy there.

"That’s when I thought ‘Let’s try’. We bought that house and in 2017 moved in as a family."

"The house was our opportunity for a new start. Working to rebuild it helped bring us back together. But it was more than that. When I chose to go there, it was the moment when I chose Paul. It was not out of need but out of desire because I loved him.

"I knew we had a deep connection, but something had snapped on the outside. I decided to see what we were going through as a rare opportunity to make us better.

"We had been together by this point for 20 years and married for a decade, but we needed a redirection. It wasn’t about trying to rebuild or ‘go back’ to the marriage we had – that had gone forever. Rather, it was about creating a second marriage with the same person.

"Paul and I had to start from scratch. We decided to go on dates and revive romance, ignoring the judgement of other people, some of whom didn’t think we should try again. It was just about us, our boys and our family, creating something new."

Rebuilding trust

"I began to realise that successfully rebuilding our relationship was about healing, not fixing. The healing starts as individuals.

"You can’t have two hurt people coming back together or you will probably hurt one another again. You have to focus on your own emotions first. I had to learn to trust myself again, so that I could then trust Paul."

"Nearly 11 years on from discovering those texts, when I think of our first marriage, it was fun – we were youthful, innocent. We had two children, big jobs, lots of pressure, maybe less time for each other.

"Now, it’s a more mature marriage and our communication has hugely improved. We’re more self-aware and we no longer hold back our honest feelings.

"I am sharing my story because I want people in my situation to understand that you can reconcile after betrayal.

"I don’t wear my original wedding rings. I gave those back to Paul and he had them remade into beautiful pieces of jewellery for me. I said I wasn’t going to wear a ring again, as our marriage is more than a symbol.

"Instead, we’ve created something that is so much better than what we had the first time around. We’ve both grown as people – and as a result, we are much stronger as a unit."

*names have been changed

Why affairs happen

One in five British adults admits to having had an affair, while a third say they have thought about it, a study has shown. Most affairs (48%) involve a friend, while 38% said they cheated with a colleague.

The main reason people gave for straying was being flattered by the attention. Sex was a factor for 15% of women and 32% of men. A far bigger reason for 43% of women was feeling ‘emotionally deprived’ in their existing relationship.

Men are slightly more likely than women to be repeat offenders (49% of cheating men have had more than one affair compared to 41% of women). And 14% of men admit they are unable to commit to one partner compared to 7% of women.

Many marriages do survive infidelity, says Kate Daly, a relationship counsellor, co-founder of the legal service Amicable, and host of The Divorce Podcast. "Studies show that 60-75% of couples remain together after experiencing infidelity, though not all do so out of love – factors like fear of being alone or financial issues also play a part," she says.

Kate identifies three reasons why affairs happen in the first place:

1. Serial cheaters. This is more to do with the person having the affair than their partner. They have cheated in previous relationships and honesty is not a priority to them.
2. The relationship is already over, but this hasn’t been communicated. They cheat almost hoping to get caught and then avoid having to raise the subject, leaving it instead to their partner to discover and react.
3. One-off accident. Often a combination of setting, alcohol and being with someone they find attractive. These affairs are usually a symptom that something is wrong within the relationship and ‘needs’ are not being expressed or met. Perhaps it’s sex life, intimacy, or sharing of the mental, physical or financial load. Ultimately, the communication between a couple is breaking down, often because bad habits have built up over time, and love and intimacy have taken a back seat. These are the affairs a marriage is most likely to recover from.

How to heal the hurt of betrayal

Relationship counsellor Kate shares her advice:

Healing begins with honesty – and it has to go both ways

"Moving past an affair is possible, but only when both partners are willing to confront the truth head-on," says Kate.

"That means the partner who betrayed needs to be transparent, take full responsibility, and answer tough questions without defensiveness. And the betrayed partner needs space to express their pain.

"Honesty becomes the foundation for rebuilding trust. It can be painful to reflect that sometimes it’s the person who has been cheated on who also needs to make changes."

Rebuilding trust isn’t a single moment – it’s a long-term process

"Trust is rebuilt through consistent actions over time – showing up, being emotionally present, and doing what you say you will do.

"That might involve couples therapy, individual work or clear agreements about communication and boundaries.

"The key is that trust is earned, not expected – and both people need to be committed to the long-haul."

Don’t just repair – transform

"The couples who come out strongest after an affair aren’t just trying to ‘go back to normal’ – they use the crisis as a catalyst for deeper connection.

"That means getting curious about what wasn’t working before, learning to meet each other’s emotional needs better, and building a new relationship together – one rooted in mutual care, respect and vulnerability.

"Pain can become growth but only if both partners are willing to do the inner work."

What does love mean to you? If you said it’s a feeling, relationship expert and New York Times bestselling author Jillian Turecki wants to challenge that.

In a recent Instagram video, she revealed how thinking that love is 'just a feeling' could be impacting your relationships, and stopping you from showing up to do the hard work that a relationship needs to evolve and last.

“You can’t make a relationship work with someone who thinks love is just a feeling and not actually a choice, an action, a practice," Jillian explains.

"Because the people who think that love is just a feeling, are the ones where, the moment there’s any friction, any tension, any argument, they think something’s immediately wrong with the connection,” she explained.

Because the truth, Jillian says, is love doesn’t always feel like we’re taught to believe it does. Sometimes it’s hard and difficult, and doesn’t feel an awful lot like 'love'.

"So, for someone who thinks of it as just a feeling, when tough times pop up, they start to doubt you. They start to doubt the relationship. Then they start to pull away or they start to sabotage," she added.

Jillian went on to say: “I think we’ve all been under the spell of the conditioning that says that love should always feel like rainbows and this intense feeling, which is really lust. But here’s the truth. In a long-term relationship, you have to choose to show up.”

Whether it’s by looking for ways to revive romance in a relationship or trying out some unforgettable date ideas, Jillian says that by realising you must work on love and not simply “feel it,” especially when “you're not in the mood” or don’t “feel madly in love in that moment,” then your relationship will improve massively.

“You have to decide to have hard conversations, not because you want to have the hard conversation, but because you know that avoiding it is not good for the relationship. You have to choose to be loving when you may not feel madly in love in that moment.”

The insight is something that Jillian’s fans connected with immediately, with one writing in her comments section on Instagram: “Yea! Absolutely! Love isn’t a feeling – it’s a decision. It’s showing up when you’re tired, when the excitement fades, when everything inside screams ‘give up.’”

Another said, “Yes! Small deliberate acts.” While a third simply commented, “Truth upon truth upon truth.”

"The summer of 1984 when I first met Stewart now feels like a technicolour fever dream," explains author Julia Kelly, 56. "I remember it so vividly. Aged 15, my parents had divorced, and I was living with my father in Reading, finishing my O levels.

"I first saw Stewart when out with my friend, Simon, and was drawn to his blue Mohican and rebellious attitude. We got together soon after, and I discovered he was thoughtful, intelligent and, like me, loved reading. It only added to his allure that my strict father hugely disapproved!

"We had a mad summer, running amok in Reading with friends, exploring Forbury Gardens and the ancient abbey ruins. I’ve always loved the idea of fantasy lands like Narnia, so secretly climbing over the railings at night to explore our own magical world, with its winding pathways and stargazing, was romantic and exciting.

"At the end of the summer, it wasn’t working out living with my father, so I reluctantly decided to join my mother in rural Herefordshire. Stewart came to visit once, but as I started studying for A levels, he went off travelling and we lost touch."

Reconnecting online

"I had a couple of serious relationships in my 20s and 30s, but never married. I’d started to suffer badly with rheumatoid arthritis and, by 2008, aged 39, found myself a single parent to three children, still working as an English teacher but increasingly confined to home by debilitating pain.

"That year, I hopped on Facebook one night to see if I could reconnect with any childhood friends. It was a weird but wonderful feeling when a photo popped up suggesting I befriend Stewart Stanley. Not wanting to sound too keen, I dropped a casual message saying I thought we might have met in the 80s. He replied straight away – he was living in Northern Ireland, was single and had two kids.

"It was like dipping my toe in a river but suddenly being swept away, right back to that summer. We spent hours on the phone, often until four in the morning, and meeting up a few weeks later was so intense. We felt like teenagers again, but our adult lives were complex, with five kids between us, so we took time to work things through. Having said that, we both knew almost immediately the connection between us was something special."

Blending families

"Even though it had only been a summer fling, I had thought about Stewart often and it seemed so natural having him back in my life. After about a year, he and his son Isaac, then 13, moved to live with me. Naturally, it’s not all been plain sailing but 17 years on from our reconnection, I’m proud of our big, blended family, and my children are grateful for everything Stewart does to look after me.

"Revisiting Forbury Gardens after getting back together was still magical. The pathway to our favourite spot was fenced off yet we both had an extraordinary feeling that, if we had been able to walk on, we’d have found our younger selves; like our summer fling was a future echo of the connection we would rediscover.

"My health has deteriorated and I’m now a full-time wheelchair user. I’m thankful Stewart’s support has enabled me to write my debut novel about grief, hope and love, in part inspired by our experience, and that our real-life love story has a happy ending."

Stewart says: "I’d seen Julia’s photo on Facebook before she got in touch and had pangs of regret that we hadn’t stayed in touch. I hadn’t contacted her as I’d assumed she was attached, so it was a wonderful surprise to hear from her. The connection between us felt significant, like we were always meant to be together. That has never changed, even through the challenging times, and it’s wonderful we finally found each other."

Despite what we’ve been told about ageing, menopause and post-menopause, getting older isn’t the end of the world. In fact, it can be just the beginning – and that’s what Mariella Frostrup found when her “life pivoted” in her 40s.

Appearing on HELLO!’s Second Act podcast, Mariella revealed how she opened herself up “to receive love” in her 40s after decades of toxic relationships. She says the decade was "the point at which my life pivoted in a different direction, one that I'd longed for – to a place of security, where I felt more able to take risks.”

Prior to her 40th birthday, Mariella shared that she’d been in a cycle of toxic dating patterns that she believes stemmed from losing her father to alcoholism. As she says happens to many “girls” who have experienced similar things, the troubled relationship massively impacted her dating life.

She explained, “Losing the male figure in your life at that age has a dramatic impact on your relationships for quite some time. It leaves a big hole. You try to fill it with perhaps the sort of people who embody the very things your father, in my case, was enduring or suffering from.

“So they tend to be addictive or troubled personalities, maybe depressives. You constantly want to try to succeed where you failed with your dad,” she added.

So, one thing that massively changed her life going into her 40s was meeting her future husband, the human rights lawyer Jason McCue. She was 39 at the time and, when they started dating, she says, “I realised I’d broken a pattern. Here was someone who actually didn’t need fixing.”

She added that meeting him was “such a relief and such a change.” But in order to be “ready to receive” the love he was bringing to the table, Mariella revealed that she had to realise one thing.

“I got to 38 and I start thinking ‘all of this has happened, all this glitzy, successful stuff.’ But actually I’ve failed in the things that I really, really wanted and I need to take stock,” she explained. “I thought, ‘maybe I’m never going to have children. Maybe I’m never going to be married again.’ And I decided to make my 39th year a year where I did anything I was asked."

As well as taking more career opportunities, she also took trips and did activities she’d never have thought about before in an attempt to explore “all the ways I could be somebody else.” And, she says, “At the end of that year in the November, I went on a trek for the Children’s Society and Jason was on this trek.”

The whole thing sounds like a real love story for the ages. “I just felt at home,” she said about meeting her husband. “Because I’d thrown caution to the wind, I think that’s why I was open [to receive new love].”

What have you done differently in your 40s (or beyond)? We'd love to hear from you in the comments section below.

Relationship expert and New York Times bestselling author Jillian Turecki has revealed the impact "micro-rejections" might be having on your relationship - saying while they may seem small, all of them built up over time can devastate relationships and lead to a big "break up."

No matter how long a couple has been together, it's always worth checking in to make sure you are both happy in the relationship, and doing what you can to build a strong and mutually beneficial partnership. But what about the little things? What about the seemingly minuscule, day-to-day actions we might not even realise have an impact on our relationships?

In a candid Instagram video, Jillian Turecki revealed it's these little things she calls 'micro-rejections', which are one of the most overlooked yet biggest causes of relationship failure.

"Rarely will we break up with someone because we don't love them anymore," she said. "In fact, most relationships end not because of a lack of love but because a lack of connection. And it's in the absence of connection that out motivation to meet each other's needs fades."

According to her, "a lot of things" can cause this lack of connection. But, she says, "One thing that is not considered enough is rejection."

She's not talking about direct rejection. "It's the small micro-rejections that are stacked one on top of the other over weeks, months and years. It's the looking at our phone every time we're at dinner with someone we love. It's every time we're telling someone a story [and] they're looking down at their phones. It's these little things that we're not even aware of."

Jillian adds it's something we must work on "if we want to become more skilful in relationships."We have to become aware of how rejecting we are when we don't even realise it," she said.

So what's the solution? Jillian says people must start showing love in more "meaningful ways."

She explains, "A relationship needs daily connection - eye contact, kindness, and presence. When we stop nurturing the relationship, we create gaps. And those gaps widen until one day, we no longer feel seen, valued, or chosen."

People were quick to take to Jillian's comment section and share their own thoughts and experiences on the subject. "The phone was a huge issue for me," one person said. "It really bothered me. It makes me feel like whatever I am saying in that moment is not interesting. I think it's really rude."

Another shared, "Communication is always the reason for the break ups I’ve had in my life. Not connecting because the communication needs were not being met."

And a third wrote, "Well said! Sometimes, love fades not in grand, cinematic heartbreaks – but in the smallest, quietest ways."

What a healthy love life looks like for one person won't be the same as another, and as long as you talk about it, "any sex problem can be solved", says Cox. But it can be useful to have a benchmark if you're looking to spice up your relationship or rekindle the spark.

Discussing sex tips for women over 50 on the Begin Again podcast with Davina McCall, Tracey Cox said: "They've done so much research into frequency because everyone's hung up on frequency. They did one very important study, and they made lots of couples have sex every single day because we have this thing that, you know, the more sex, the better."

But the couples were miserable, she revealed. "It was too much, and they found the perfect time for couples to reap all the health benefits [and] stay connected, but not too much, is once a week. Once a week is the magic number."

How often should you have sex?

Tracey Cox recommended that couples have sex weekly. "If you want to stay connected, if you can manage once a week, you'll be fine," she said.

For some couples, that will be too much. For others, it will be way too little, but it's a good minimum to aim for.

However, she also notes that it's "all about age and stage", referring to the life and relationship experiences that may impact our sex lives. For example, women in their 40s and 50s might experience a low libido in menopause, so they may not be as interested in sex.

How to have more sex

One way to get back into the swing of having sex, whether that's more or less than once a week, is to plan for it, says Cox. Two-thirds of women are responsive to sex, she explains, which means they may not be immediately aroused, but if they are "touched in the right way or start having sex", then they become aroused.

The opposite is spontaneous desire, which two-thirds of men feel. It's what many women think they should feel when it comes to sex, but responsive desire is a "different sex drive" entirely, says Cox.

"Men shouldn't be insulted if women don't want sex spontaneously because that's not the way they work a lot of the time," she says.

To get in the mood and build relationship intimacy, Cox suggests couples work out what sparks desire and include more of that in their lives. It could be running a bath, having a glass of wine, and talking to each other for a while, or she says, it could be beginning foreplay and seeing how you feel.

"The more you have sex, the more you want it because your body remembers it," she says. "The idea is to make sex a habit."

It's also important to know what turns you on and what will give you an orgasm, says Cox elsewhere in the episode, whether that's sex toys, manual stimulation, or oral sex. "If you play along with the game and pretend you're having an orgasm through intercourse, you're not doing yourself a favour," she says.

Other tips from Tracey Cox

• Manage your expectations and try not to be influenced by TV or books where people seem to be having loads of sex, says Cox.
• Cox says it’s important to “find your own normal” and what works for you as a couple.
• Be aware that people can feel very vulnerable when it comes to sex, so make sure you have a “partner who’s not going to shame you or call you weird”, she says.
• If you’re honest about any menopausal symptoms or their erection issues, then you’ll feel closer and understand why your partner may or may not be feeling up for it.
• Speak to your doctor if you’re finding sex uncomfortable. HRT and HRT alternatives can help with issues such as vaginal dryness, loss of libido and night sweats.
• Masterbate, either manually or with a vibrator, to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t.
• Put your phones down and spend quality time together, she suggests. Half an hour before turning out the light to have quality time together, instead of scrolling.
• Knowing what turns you on is important, but it's also essential to know what turns you off. This might have changed over the years, so take time to see what still works for you and what doesn’t.

It's common in long-term relationships for sexual desires to ebb and flow, and for both partners to evolve over time. This might include changes to what they enjoy in the bedroom.

In this month's Ask Anna column, a reader who had been married for over two decades asked for my advice in tackling her husband's request for role play.

Our reader's question

"My husband recently suggested it would turn him on if I dressed up for sex. He’s suggested a French maid outfit. I tried to make light of it but I’m horrified at the thought – I’d feel ridiculous.

"I thought we had a pretty good love life. We make out at least once a week, which, after 23 years of marriage, isn’t bad. Do you think he’s having some sort of a midlife crisis?"

Anna's Advice

Reading back over your dilemma, I can feel your confusion and, dare I say it, disgust. You’re hiding it well by being light-hearted, but it’s clear you’re wrestling with some emotions here.

Readers of this column will know I always pick out the words that spell the truth of what’s going on with a person – and I see ‘horrified’, ‘ridiculous’ and the rather shy phrase ‘make out’. There’s a lot going on deep down with you both, so let’s unpack it.

After 23 years of marriage, when you are used to the predictability of sex, a curveball request like this can throw you – and it’s no surprise that you feel unsettled or even a little bit demeaned.

But rather than jumping to conclusions, let’s consider what’s driving your husband’s motives.

First, it’s completely normal to wonder if your other half’s request is something to worry about. But unless he’s bought a pair of leather trousers and rocked up in a new sports car, then asking for a specific fantasy involving dressing up doesn’t necessarily mean he’s grappling with a midlife crisis.

People’s sexual desires evolve over time, and it sounds as if this is his way of trying to spice things up with you. It’s worth remembering that curiosity and the desire for novelty is part of the human condition, especially when we have been ‘captive’ for years in a monogamous relationship.

So for him, it might not be about dissatisfaction with your sex life, but more about exploring something with a spicier flavour. What’s wonderful is that he wants to explore it with you, rather than searching elsewhere – so please hang on to that fact.

But, I do hear your discomfort.

Those feelings of unease are just as valid as your husband’s needs. If the idea of dressing up as a French maid feels daft, that’s one thing. But saying you’re ‘horrified’ is quite another.

Something here doesn’t align with your values and sense of self – which leads me to wonder about your use of the phrase ‘we make out at least once a week’. There’s almost an innocence to that intimacy that has nothing to do with the je ne sais quoi of a saucy spring clean.

So, what to do? Healthy relationships, especially ones with the history you two share, rely on mutual respect, understanding and compromise.

Personally, I’d ask him why he’s interested in this and what he hopes it will bring to your love life. You may find that it’s less about him wanting you to look a certain way, and more about experimenting with fantasy as a way of breaking out of a predictable – and possibly, boring – routine.

At the same time, by being honest with him, you’ll be able to voice your desires and, more importantly, your boundaries too. While you may not be comfortable with the specific idea of dressing up, perhaps there’s another way you could evolve together.

Maybe there’s a different kind of role play, or experience, that doesn’t make you feel ridiculous but brings excitement to the bedroom for both of you instead.

Author and sex educator Ruby Rare is a big fan of couples exploring their sexuality through ethical pornography sites. This can be visual (role play for your husband) or, rather enticingly, audio. I wonder whether that’s something you’d feel safer navigating together. Try afourchamberedheart.com or for audio stories, literotica.com.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.

Hands up if you've never wondered what a partner was thinking. It's fair to say that most of us have had moments of this, whether it's on a small thing like what they really think of our new haircut, or a bigger issue like 'where's this relationship going?'

The reader who wrote to ask my advice in this Ask Anna column expressed a desire for greater commitment from her boyfriend. But she's also worried about how to broach the subject with him, as he is very close (physically and emotionally) to his adult children and his grandchildren.

Our reader's question

"I am at a turning point in my relationship. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for three years; we are both in our 50s and had been friends before getting together. But we are long-distance, and I worry that we want different things.

"I’d love him to move closer, but he lives near his grown-up children and grandchildren and shows no sign of wanting to spend more time with me by being closer. Nor does he say he wants me to relocate.

"His children are still dependent on him so I understand his reasons for not moving, but I want our lives to move forward. How can I tell him without appearing resentful of his family ties?”

Anna's Advice

First of all, it’s entirely understandable that you feel the way you do. You’re three years into a relationship, so it’s natural that you would want to take things to the next level, especially after the long-distance effort you’ve put in.

It sounds as though his loyalty to his family and his loyalty to you are starting to be at odds, so I’m not surprised you feel less than a priority. I also admire you for wanting to approach this sensitively so as not to appear to be the bad guy.

However, to all intents and purposes, your man is getting the best of both worlds, so it’s time to shift the balance more in your favour.

So, much as it may stick in your craw, start a conversation with him about your future by framing it as an expression of your commitment rather than a demand. Tell him how much you appreciate the relationship you’ve built together and how meaningful it is to you. Explain that you’d really like your lives to feel more connected on a daily basis.

And emphasise that you respect how close he is to his kids and that you’d like to be a part of that too.

That way, he’s more likely to accept that your intentions are about deepening your bond, not about pulling him away from others he loves. If he can see this as a positive step rather than a threat to his existing responsibilities, he may feel more open to discussing what the options are with you. The key is to convey your feelings as a desire to be close to him, rather than a dissatisfaction with who else you have to share him with.

Have you ever actually asked him how he sees the future with you? Sometimes, we think we know what our partner is thinking, but thoughts are not facts and, more often than not, our assumptions are wrong.

Grab the nettle and ask him how he sees the two of you progressing in the years to come. His answer will give you an insight into what, if anything, is going on in his head and whether your goals align. Often, having these conversations can reveal surprising things about your partner’s hopes and may even highlight options you hadn’t considered.

His family commitments may make a full relocation difficult, so think about solutions that could work for you both.

Would he be open to an arrangement where he visits more frequently or can stay for longer? Or could you explore ways to spend more time together as his family situation evolves?

His children may rely on him now, but as they are grown up, their demands on him may change as they become more independent. Even acknowledging the possibility of flexibility might help him see that a future with you doesn’t necessarily mean compromising his role as a parent.

I’m going to end where I started by saying that you’re not being unreasonable for wanting a future that feels shared. You’re simply at a point where you need to be heard and understood. Where you need to be put first for once. Where you can feel safe. And a good relationship will make space for that. I do hope you both achieve it.

If you would like help with a problem, email askanna@futurenet.com or leave a voice note at hello@itcantjustbeme.co.uk and mention you’re a woman&home reader. Note that Anna may choose your dilemma to discuss on her podcast, It Can't Just Be Me.

"The last time my husband and I had sex was just over a year ago," begins Sonia*. "The feeling of closeness was lovely, and afterwards, I remember saying, 'We should do this more often.' Steven* agreed. But days, weeks, months have slipped by since, and it hasn’t happened again. It’s now been over a year. However, neither of us is too concerned that sex is no longer part of our marriage.

"Life is often portrayed as revolving around sex – movies and TV shows are full of steamy bedroom scenes, and there’s a huge societal focus on couples having better sex. But for me, while a satisfying love life is a beautiful thing, it has never been top of the agenda when it comes to making a relationship work.

"Neither of the two most significant relationships in my life – with the father of my two grown-up children and with Steven – have primarily been about sexual connection. Instead, they’ve been based on friendship, humour and a compatible world view – and to me, that seems far more important.

"I was 43 when Steven and I first got together, 17 years ago, and we already had a foundation of friendship. We lived in the same area and had known each other for several years. I didn’t lust after him and never thought of him in that way, but I was always happy to spot him across a room. We laughed a lot and found loads to talk about. There was just something about him that put me at ease."

"One day, I bumped into him in the street and he suggested going for a drink. I’d been single for five years after an amicable split from the father of my children, and Steven had recently broken up with his partner. I thought, 'Why not?' We ended up talking until closing time, and it dawned on me that Steven might be interested in me romantically.

"After that, we met regularly. I thought he was good-looking, but Steven remained in the friend zone as far as I was concerned, and he didn’t push the physical side of our relationship. Besides, he was still getting over his break-up, and instinct told me that he needed friendship, not a lover.

"After almost a year of us spending time together, my sister sat me down and said, 'He’s lovely, you’re super compatible, just get together.' It made sense. Steven and I enjoyed the same things, shared values and were totally comfortable with each other. Sex was the only thing missing.

"I started looking at Steven through different eyes and engineered a situation where we might end up in bed together. The first time we had sex, we’d both had too much to drink, and it wasn’t great. But over time, our sex life flourished. While it was never a case of wanting to rip each other’s clothes off, we fell in love, and the sex was gentle, tender and satisfying.

"We had both experienced sexually charged relationships in the past. Steven’s previous relationship was based on a strong physical attraction. And I’ve had two sexually passionate relationships, between my two marriages, both times with attractive but emotionally unavailable men. When Steven and I got together, sex was lower down on my priority list."

Sleeping separately

"We got married two years after that first drink. Even in those early days, we only had sex once or twice a week, and that was enough for us. Life was busy, we were often tired by the time we went to bed, and we seemed well matched in terms of sex drive. That was our pattern for the first few years. I never worried that our sex life was lacking – when we did make love, it was always satisfying and brought us closer together."

"But, sex gradually became less regular. Ten years into our relationship, it was only happening once a month or so. By then, I’d been through menopause, my libido had gone downhill, and his sex drive seemed to have diminished too.

"We started sleeping separately [sometimes known as a sleep divorce] to get a good night’s sleep. He snores, and I’m a light sleeper. It became a habit. During the week, we’d kiss, cuddle, and say goodnight, then head off to bed alone.

"At weekends, we’d sleep in the same bed and spend lovely, lazy mornings chatting, eating breakfast and planning our day. Sometimes we made love, but by then, a sense of going through the motions had crept into our sex life.

"Even though I didn’t particularly feel like sex myself, I hated the thought that Steven might desire other women or didn’t fancy me any more. And there were times I worried that our lack of physical intimacy indicated an underlying problem – especially when I’d watch some expert on TV banging on about how a good sex life in a long-term relationship is fundamental, or listen to friends gushing about how they couldn’t keep their hands off their partners."

A turning point

"Although I was happy in our life together, these concerns meant our sex life grew into a huge, unspoken barrier between us. It began to eat away at me. Finally, three years ago, I found the courage to bring it up, and we had a long talk about our sex life that cleared the air.

"It turned out that Steven had been feeling the same way as me, but he worried about what that might mean for our relationship. Neither of us felt it necessary to completely draw a line under our sexual relationship, but we agreed we were happy with things the way they were. If we had sex because we both felt like it, then great, but if it didn’t happen for months because neither of us was feeling the urge, that was fine too."

"That conversation was a turning point. We felt free to express physical affection again without worrying that the other would interpret it as a precursor to sex. We felt closer than we had in ages.

"We're not in a sexless marriage, but since then, we’ve had sex very occasionally. The last time on holiday in Spain just over a year ago. But we’ve been away again since then and it didn’t happen. We still kiss and cuddle, and although I don’t rule out having sex again, it feels as though we’ve reached a point where we would only have it if we really want it, not for the sake of it. And I’m quite comfortable with that."

*Names and some details have been changed

No matter your age, a fulfilling sex life is always important, whether with a partner or by yourself, and no matter what 'a fulfilling sex life' looks like for you.

From navigating your own personal journey around sex and the menopause and the ups and downs that may bring, to getting out of a sexual dry spell or improving intimacy in your relationship, or even exploring ways to be intimate without sex, we can all stand to work on some areas of our sex lives as we get older.

We spoke to these five women who are working to ensure we can all spice up our sex life as we enter mid-life and beyond – and you might be surprised at just how much there still is to explore. Here's what they've learned.

1. Explore cervical orgasms

"I burnt out in my 30s, working in a corporate job I didn’t enjoy, so I took time out to travel and rethink my life. In Southeast Asia, I discovered yoga and meditation, and knew I wanted a more fulfilling purpose. At the same time, I felt blocked sexually. I’d had a string of one-night stands and hated my body. I had no understanding of pleasure, but at a tantra-focused yoga school, I explored my sexuality. The breakthroughs were incredible," shares Mangala Holland, a female orgasm expert.

"With the help of a guide, I discovered how to achieve mind-blowing, cosmic, cervical orgasms, which result from gentle, sustained stimulation on the cervix. It tends to feel very different to the ‘peak’ orgasms that we have from clitoral stimulation, creating a long-lasting sensation that’s like gentle, warm waves across the whole body. Many women find that these cervical orgasms feel more emotionally satisfying.

"I wanted everybody to know what their body was capable of, because I’d got to my late 30s thinking that short clitoral orgasms were all there was. I went on to train in a variety of wellbeing practices, including coaching programmes, energy healing and massage.

"I have now been teaching this material for over a decade, to women all over the world. The work is non-confrontational, in that there is no nudity. I invite my clients to do the practices and explore themselves alone.

"Many women tell themselves they will never enjoy sex, alone or with a partner. But whatever blocks people have can be worked through. It is never too late to find your peak sexual pleasure. I have clients in their 70s having the best orgasms of their lives."

2. Work on emotional connections

"My job as a paediatric clinical psychologist, working with families affected by the onset of life-changing chronic illnesses, and seeing the impact this often had on couples, led me to specialise in relationship and psychosexual therapy," begins Dr Amani Zarroug. "Now, I see those who want to work on relationship and sexual issues, such as mismatched sexual desire or various diagnosable conditions. Others are trying to overcome infidelity or psychosexual issues.

"With erectile dysfunction, the root cause is usually psychological. However, I always advise people to rule out any medical conditions prior to therapy.

"There are always dynamics to unpick, life transitions to address and a journey to owning who we are sexually. For those in long-term relationships, sexual satisfaction can dwindle. But sex harnesses an emotional connection, so it’s important to nurture it. When couples make improvements in their sex lives, it improves other areas of their relationship. It works the other way too.

"It’s important to focus on all the things that bring us pleasure. When I’m not working, I love spending time with my children, and I’ve discovered an amazing Angolan dance called Kizomba, which has become a passion.

"But watching my clients transform their wellbeing gives me joy. They will get to a point they didn’t think possible, and it impacts every area of their life. It is beautiful."

3. Invest in sensual lingerie

"Turning 60 was a profound milestone for me. I’d spent decades focused on raising my son and caring for my elderly mother, and I didn’t know who I was any more. The feeling was all the more apparent when I found some underwear I hadn’t worn in years. I knew I’d never fit into it again because my figure had changed as I’d aged. It made me sad that most lingerie only looks beautiful on younger, thinner women," says Maria Chapman, founder of luxury lingerie and loungewear label Club M.

"Where were the lingerie and bras for mature ladies who still want to feel sexy? I’d done some online research and rang several manufacturers, who confirmed what I’d suspected – there was a gap in the market for women like me. So I decided to fill it myself. I knew little about the lingerie industry, but everything about being a woman who deserves to feel beautiful.

"So I am now busy sketching designs and sourcing fabrics for my new luxury lingerie and loungewear label, Club M, designed to make women over the age of 60 feel stylish and sensual. Ethically made in the UK, the first line launched in October. My quest is to make mature women feel fabulous, loved and comfortable, no matter their shape or size."

4. Feel proud of sex toys

"A few years ago, I was shopping for pleasure products. I was nearly 40, but the toys looked the same as when I was a teenager – all bright pink, phallic things that screamed, ‘I’m a sex toy!’" says Jemma Sawyer, founder of women's sexual health and wellbeing platform ILOH.

"I should have felt empowered shopping for my sexual needs, yet I was looking over my shoulder, feeling shame. The experience led me to set about creating that difference for other women.

"In November 2020, I launched ILOH, an online platform providing sexual health and wellbeing products; the name comes from ilo, which means ‘pleasure’ in Finnish. I aim to help women shift their mindset by providing a shame-free shopping experience. All the products are designed to be kept in the open, not shamefully stuffed away in a drawer. Business boomed.

"Ignore the sex we see on TV. Two thrusts and everyone orgasms in unison? It’s unrealistic. Find out what kind of pleasure you are into and bring products into the bedroom to help you get there. The best sex toys aren’t a substitute, but an accompaniment to your lovemaking."

5. Explore your post-menopause sexuality

"My marriage ended 25 years ago, and since then, I’ve had other sexual partners. But when the menopause hit, sex became so painful and uncomfortable, I didn’t want it at all. Many menopausal women struggle with vaginal dryness, which causes discomfort during sex. Fortunately, an oestrogen pessary helped transform my sex life, making it pleasurable once again," shares Suzanne Noble, host of the podcast Sex Advice for Seniors.

"As we age, our bodies and arousal patterns are different, and low libido in menopause is common. It’s not just women – half of all men over 40 struggle with erectile dysfunction. We need to realise that penetrative sex doesn’t have to be the goal, or even on the agenda. It’s OK to spend time hugging and kissing with no pressure for it to lead anywhere.

"In 2022, I started my podcast, Sex Advice for Seniors , to help older people ask questions and, yes, have sex. It has helped thousands of listeners explore their sexuality.

"If you want to have sex as you get older – and not everybody does – it can be the best ever. You might need lingerie to help you feel sexy. You might need lube and vibrators to reach orgasm. But if something is holding you back, there are always solutions. We can all enjoy the journey to great sex."

More tips

If you'd like to shake up your sex life, these tips might help you out:

• Slowing down your touch, movement and breath makes you more aware of every micro-sensation, which can heighten your pleasure and orgasms.
• If you struggle with self-pleasure, try repeating permission-giving affirmations in your mind to help you relax as you touch yourself.
• Rediscover yourselves with new dating ideas.
• Make the effort to appreciate each other by creating excitement and changes to the familiar – you could even try one of the best sex positions after menopause to mix things up in bed.
• It’s never too late to buy a sex toy. There are many to choose from, but start with a bullet vibrator or a small wand vibrator that is easy to hold and operate, preferably USB-rechargeable.

Continue reading

Wondering how to initiate sex after a dry spell? You're far from the only one. It's perfectly normal to go through peaks and troughs in your sex life as responsibilities and changing hormones change priorities.

Sex isn't important to everyone and there are plenty of ways to boost intimacy in a relationship without physical connection. It's also not uncommon to have a relationship without any sex, research suggests. A survey published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour found that more than 15% of married people hadn't had sex in the previous year. Of course, the actual statistics for this will be much higher - not everyone wants to admit they're in a dry spell.

If sex is important to you, you might find that a dry spell impacts your relationship and reconnecting will be the way to revive romance. The good news is that Esther Perel can reveal how after sitting down to interview with Goop.

In a perfect world, we'd all have exclusive access to Esther Perel's relationship wisdom. She's one of the most sought-after sex and relationship therapists in the world and often, the only insights we get are from her podcast, Where Should We Begin? But, in a rare interview, Perel has shared her advice on how to spice up your relationship by reigniting desire and "tapping into new erotic possibilities".

How to initiate sex after dry spell

1. Be an 'erotic' couple

Being an 'erotic' couple is very important, says Perel. "The key ingredients of the erotic are creativity, curiosity, playfulness, presence, and pleasure," she told interviewers, adding that some couples who come to see her want to know how they can have "more" sex - but every one of them asks her how to have better sex.

The answer to that question, she says, "is the cultivation of that aliveness" that comes from these ingredients, rather than specific tick boxes like sex toys or particular techniques.

"Erotic couples know that sex isn’t just something you do - because in sex you can do a lot and feel very little, but in the erotic, you can do very little and feel a lot."

2. Expand your definition of sex

Getting back on track with your sex life may not mean actually having sex, Perel says, at least not right away. She says it's important to expand your definition of sex "beyond the acts and genitals" to rekindle the sexual spark.

She recommends including breathwork, eye contact, and deliberate and slow touch in your relationship, as well as learning how to build trust in a relationship again and being willing to take risks.

3. Stop talking about the dry spell

While it can be tempting to want to grill your partner about all the reasons why your sex life has dwindled, Perel advises against this. She says: "No one has ever wanted more sex from talking for hours about the sex that they’re not having."

Fair enough. She recommends trying some questions to build intimacy in your relationship instead. "Start with the prompt, 'I turn myself off when…' or “I shut down by…' This is not the same as 'you turn me off when,' or 'what turns me off is…'," she says.

She also recommends questions like:

• What does sex mean to you?
• What do you want to experience in sex?
• What parts of yourself do you connect with during sex?
• Is sex a place you go for transcendence? For mischief? A party for the senses? To be vulnerable? To be naughty? To escape responsibility and good citizenship?

These questions and more feature in Esther Perel's own card game, which she made to help couples build deeper intimacy and open up.

4. Avoid being critical

When talking openly and honestly about your sex life, "it's important to stay kind rather than critical", says Perel. "Staying open to possibility and being willing to have new erotic experiences is going to relieve the pressure valve and open up dialogue."

You might be feeling anxious during the conversation. To prevent this from putting you off what you want to say, the psychotherapist suggests taking the hand of your partner and putting it somewhere on your body that feels "safe, secure, good", and then moving it to another place.

"Create a situation of a giver and a receiver where the receiver is entirely in charge," she says.

5. Ask for what you want

Finally, Perel suggests those struggling with how to initiate sex after a dry spell think about two verbs. The verbs - "to receive" and "to share" - shape how we think and talk about sex, she says. "Ask yourself: which of these verbs is the one that comes easiest for you and which is more challenging? Is there one that could use a little extra care?"

Start with small steps, she says, and see what it's like to be "given to" when you ask. And remember - "ask for what you want rather than complaining about what you don’t get", she says. "When you’ve asked once, ask again."

Who is Esther Perel?

Esther Perel is a psychotherapist specialising in sex and relationships. She is a bestselling author, having written Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, and a popular podcaster.

Her podcast, Where Should We Begin? was reviewed by us as one of the best relationship podcasts to download.

If you're a fan of Apple TV's The Morning Show, you might recognise Perel as the psychotherapist who is interviewed by Alex Levy (Jennifer Aniston) in the latest series.

When you first enter into a relationship, intimacy tends to come easily. You want to know everything there is to know about your partner and they want to know everything there is to know about you. However, as the years pass and you get busy with other responsibilities, it's easy to lose track of each other and who you’re becoming.

If you’re feeling distant from your partner or struggling with relationship burnout, asking questions that help improve intimacy can be a great place to start. While it’s easy to equate intimacy with sex, licensed counsellor and sex therapist, Lyndsey Murray explains that intimacy goes well beyond this. “My definition of intimacy includes closeness regarding friendship, emotional vulnerability, and physical touch. Essentially, an intimate relationship can be like feeling at home, as well as erotic excitement and everything in between.”

By investing time in having deeper conversations with your partner, you not only strengthen your bond and spice up your relationship but also create an environment where it’s safe to be curious and vulnerable. As a certified relationship coach, it's something I've seen for myself time and time again.

Questions to build intimacy in a relationship

1. What’s something you’ve been struggling with?

It's very easy to get wrapped up in our lives and lose sight of our partner in a long-term relationship. We can become overly focused on our individual struggles - perhaps work is overly stressful or we’re sandwiched between children who still need us and ageing parents who require more of our time and energy.

When this happens, we can forget that not only are we a unique system on our own but so too is our partner. Together, we also form a relational system which means that whatever we’re struggling with individually will impact the health of our partnership. I personally love this question because it asks us to be curious about what our partner may be going through that perhaps until now, we’ve been unaware of.

“Questions like these invite us to be vulnerable with our partner,” agrees Rachel Davies, a counselling psychologist at Relate Avon. "While this may seem scary, it can help our partners to have more compassion for us and in doing so to rebuild the connection. People can feel isolated or lonely in a relationship if there's a lost connection but taking a step to bring your partner towards you – even confiding a problem – can remind you that you are in a partnership."

2. How do you like to be shown love?

Each of us reaches adulthood with a particular view of what love looks like. From my experience, this is typically based on the way we were shown love as a child and the way we saw those closest to us showing love to each other. Because of this, we’ll often try to show love to our partner in the way we would like to receive it. It's a similar concept to 'love languages'.

For example, if you grew up in a family that was very physically affectionate, you may try to show your partner you love them by giving them lots of hugs and other acts of touch. Your partner, on the other hand, may have grown up in a family that was verbally demonstrative and dished out lots of praise but was reserved when it came to touch. This can create a clash - you think you’re showing your partner love by being physically affectionate, yet they’re left feeling unloved because you’re not giving them the words of affirmation they crave. That’s where this question can be so illuminating.

“This is a great question as it helps to avoid two common traps – one is assuming that our partner can mind read what we need and then be disappointed when they get it wrong,” explains Davies. “The other is assuming that our partners like to be shown love in the same way as us. Even when we’ve been together a while we can fall back into these traps so this question is a great way of reminding us of what our partner needs – we then have no excuse to not try and give them what they need.”

3. When do you feel closest to me?

Being in a relationship means that we not only do our best to learn what intimacy means to our partner but we also endeavour to give them this - even if that means stepping outside of our comfort zone. If you’re someone who frequently likes to talk things out but your partner feels closest to you when you’re having a quiet cuddle on the sofa, this is important information to be aware of to avoid relationship issues.

"We can always learn more about our partners however long we’ve been together and we may be surprised how they answer this question,” says Davies. “We need to try to really hear our partners' answers and use what they say to give them more of what they want.”

However, this doesn’t mean you give up things that make you feel closer to your partner. When it comes to how to be happy in a relationship, most experts would agree that both partners need to be invested in understanding one another and meeting each other’s needs. As Davies points out, having space for you to reciprocate by telling your partner when you feel closest to them is vital.

4. What do you love most about our relationship?

Sometimes it’s easy to fall into the trap of focusing on what we don’t like about our partner or our relationship. Maybe we don’t get to spend as much time with them as we’d like or perhaps the way they stack the dishwasher irritates the hell out of us.

Talking to each other about what you love most is a beautiful way to shift the energy in your relationship toward gratitude and remind you of why you’re together in the first place. “This is a lovely connecting question as it can help couples to reminisce, laugh and have an upbeat conversation about the good times,” Davies agrees.

5. What do you need from me right now?

Our needs can change on a day-to-day basis and so too can our partners. Relationships are rarely equal, so being mindful of this is key. Sometimes your partner will be struggling and you’ll need to contribute more to get the team over the finish line - and vice versa.

Instead of trying to guess what your partner needs on hard days or assuming you know, ask them. This will help them to feel seen and supported within your relationship.

“This question is about offering a gift to your partner,” explains Davies. “It can be as diverse as taking the bins out, giving you half an hour away from the kids, or a hug.”

6. What are you enjoying most about our sex life right now? What would you like to see more of?

If you’re feeling brave, this two-part question can help bring you and your partner closer - both physically and emotionally. I love this question because it leads with curiosity, rather than criticism or judgement.

The first question gives your partner a chance to share what they feel is going well in your sex life and the second part is an opportunity to be open about anything they’d like to try or see more of. Both of these can lead to better sex, as Murray - who is also the owner and lead therapist at Relationship Matters Therapy - points out.

"These are great questions to ask! They evoke curiosity and I think curiosity is the starting point to exploring and cultivating a satisfying sex life. It can be a productive conversation if couples can ask and answer these without judgment or defensiveness," she says.

7. How do you experience me as an intimate partner?

We tend to think we’re more self-aware than we actually are, particularly in romantic relationships. But, in reality, we’re all difficult up close and nobody is easy to live with. When you ask how your partner experiences you, you create space for them to share the positive qualities you bring to their life and the parts of you that are perhaps tricky to navigate.

This is one of Murray’s personal favourite questions for intimacy building. It’s a question I love too. Your partner has the chance to speak openly about how they experience you in your relationship - and their answers can be illuminating. Perhaps they love your generosity and thoughtfulness but struggle with how you’re always running late or unable to plan more than a week ahead. Either way, this is great information for you as it gives you insight into what’s important to your partner.

A word of caution: this question requires you to be courageous enough to receive honest feedback and to do so without defensiveness. This is critical as your partner needs to feel safe enough to provide you with a truthful answer without fear of retribution.

What does it mean to have intimacy in a relationship?

Intimacy can be the glue that keeps us connected to our partners. When times are tough, that glue may feel a bit sparse, and we may feel like we're pulling apart, says Davies. "The good news is that intimacy can be found in many ways, and when we turn towards each other with a desire to reconnect, we increase our openness to intimacy."

Intimacy goes beyond just the physical aspect of a relationship to a feeling of deep emotional closeness and connection with another person. When we have intimacy with our partner, we feel safe sharing our thoughts, feelings and experiences, knowing we will be loved and supported.

While sex can certainly form a part of our intimate life with our partner, knowing how to be intimate without sex will help you to strengthen other areas of your relationship. Emotional, spiritual and intellectual intimacy are different intimacy types that can deepen your connection with your partner.

Tips for improving intimacy in a relationship

• Don't be afraid of conflict: “I think many people are afraid to have the hard conversations out of fear of losing the relationship, and what ends up happening is they give up vulnerability in the name of security,” explains Murray. “When really, vulnerability is what leads to connection and connection leads to intimacy. Show up authentically, be as honest as you can, and embrace your differences - this is what makes the best relationships."
• Focus on the small steps: Davies adds that it’s important to remember that every day you can decide to try to lean into each other. “Building intimacy does not need to be another job on the to-do list but can be done through small steps – what can we do for ten minutes a day that helps our relationship? Little and often is a better strategy to rebuild intimacy than big gestures."
• Appreciate your differences: Remember that your partner is not you - and that's good. It’s easy to fall into the habit of nitpicking and wishing the person you’re with were different, but what if you were to reframe that? Instead of seeing the things you find difficult in your partner as faults (perhaps they’re very direct or incredibly sensitive), try seeing these things as gifts they bring to your relationship.

With all of life's challenges, it's easy to underestimate the value of being happy with your partner. Whether you've been together for 50 years or five, there are a few key signs you're doing just fine.

Relationship experts have tricky territory to navigate, with some couples wanting to know how to be happy in a relationship and other wanting to spice things up. But what's clear to many, is that it's the small things that show whether or not couples are content - something as simple as a smile.

New research, published in the Emotion Journal, revealed that couples with the greatest relationship happiness tend to smile together, more often and in a more coordinated way. Couples distressed and in relationship therapy showed much lower levels of smile alignment. It's hardly surprising as we tend to smile more when we're happy, but it shows that small gestures go a long way.

Kristina Virro is a psychotherapist and couple’s therapist, with a large following on social media where she's known as 'TherapyKristina'. She revealed her thoughts on the six other things happy couples do.

Six things happy couples do

1. Create micro moments of connection
2. Ask your partner how their day has been
3. Actively listen to each other
4. Offer one another love and physical attention outside of sex 
5. Show appreciation
6. Do thoughtful things from a place of generosity

Kristina says that her six nuggets of advice are small, but "the accumulation of them makes a huge impact on a relationship" in the long run.

Elaborating on creating micro-moments of connection, Kristina suggested this can be as simple as offering a good morning kiss every day, giving a small hug before a partner leaves for work, or asking how their day has been.

"It's really easy to forget to check in on one another when you just get lost in the hustle and bustle of life, she says, adding that this is a small act but when combined with the others, it can contribute to overall happiness.

In Kristina's opinion, active listening includes asking questions, offering undivided attention, and putting away your phone, avoiding what's become known as 'phubbing'. According to Verywell Mind, active listening is a communication skill that requires honing. It's about going far beyond hearing what another person says and, instead, it's about understanding the meaning and intent behind the words.

To listen actively, a person should be fully present in the conversation, and show their interest in it by using good eye contact. Non-verbal clues should be taken in and acted on, with open-ended questions asked to encourage further responses.

The listener should paraphrase and reflect what's been said to them, to demonstrate listening to understand, rather than simply just respond. Active listening is a skill that can be transferred to a number of settings, including with children, at work, or in social situations.

To give your partner loving attention away from sex, Kristina suggests subtle actions such as hand-holding or playing with your partner's hair, which can help revive romance in a relationship.

Moving on to showing appreciation - something that can be very much lacking when you've been together for a few years and everyone is busy. Kristina said that simply telling your partner "thank you for loading the dishwasher" can make a big difference.

You might be thinking: "Does he need a trophy every time he does something?", and to this, the therapist says: "It's not about that, it's about creating a loving, kind culture in your home."

It's worth adding that these actions work both ways - reciprocal thanks from the other person in the relationship is required, particularly if they're the one not taking on the majority of household tasks and the mental load.

Kristina concludes by suggesting doing thoughtful things from a place of generosity. She suggested bringing a morning cup of coffee or leaving a love note can work in this instance. It's a small thing that can help with happiness in a relationship.

Many people responded positively to Kristina's advice, with one saying: "It’s sad to think that this isn’t the norm in relationships. 20 years strong and it honestly just gets better thanks to things like this!"

Another added "My wife and I do all these things everyday with out even thinking about it. She’s my best friend and we always take time to check in on each other."

The New Year is the time of year for making resolutions and upping our game and, for many of us, one of the areas of potential improvement is our sex life.

As we get older, libido diminishes, in both women and men. However, feeling sexy at any age comes down to a complex set of variables, so it rarely makes sense to spotlight sex in isolation from other parts of your life. How to have better sex is strongly connected to a good life in a holistic sense, and often, focusing on a different area that needs a boost. Communicating better with your partner, improving your fitness, and reducing stress at work will lead to you feeling more sexy. You also need to make space in your life for sex, and that takes effort.

"When you’ve been with your partner for a while there can be what Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, calls 'desexualisation over time'," says Karen Aram, a London-based psychosexual therapist. "What that means is you can become over-cuddly, over-friendly if you like. Couples need to be mindful about how to keep the eroticism going." So what can you do? These ideas will help bring back the buzz.

1. Introduce some mystery

Introduce a bit of mystery into your relationship. You don’t necessarily need to tell your partner everything that’s going on in your life, and you don’t always need to be available. Keeping some things out of the daily conversation will mean you also have more to talk about on date night.

And speaking of adding a little mystery and date night, while this might sound a bit cliched, pretending to be something you’re not can be a technique worth trying. "Lots of couples find roleplay an easy way to switch up their sexual routine," says Sammi Cole, a sex and relationship expert with Lovehoney. "The great thing about the 'strangers meeting in a bar' scenario is that it can help to recreate that fizz of excitement from when you first met."

2. Go the extra mile

Whether it’s taking extra interest when listening to what your partner is saying or complimenting them, good sex in a long-term relationship emanates from showing one another that you still care.

It has to be coming from both directions though. If you feel like your partner isn't paying you the same attention they used to, or doesn't care, it's worth bringing this up with them - in a non-confrontational way.

3. Get nostalgic

When it comes to feeling closer to your partner, Karen says think about what attracted you to the other person in the first place.

"It might be a decade or more on, and you can’t seem to find the time for sex any more - but back then you easily found time for it. If you can get back to how you felt about your partner then, you’ll feel closer."

4. Make the most of your time apart

Recognise there’s a paradox, says Karen, in that what we want is love, comfort and security, but sex always thrives where there’s something fresh and novel.

More couples these days are choosing to live separately and sleep separately (in what's become known as a sleep divorce), but unless that works for you in a practical sense, it can be an extreme solution.

Instead, embrace time when you or your partner are away with family, friends or for work, to put some distance between you that can lead to renewed desire. See time apart as an opportunity, rather than a difficulty.

5. Let go of inhibitions

Sex is about fun, so try including the other fun stuff in life – for example, booking a hotel room for your date night occasionally, or you could watch a sexy movie together.

Drinking too much alcohol is a definite downer, but a small or moderate amount can help ease things along. Research conducted by the University of Florence found that a moderate amount (that’s one or two glasses) of red wine gave women higher scores for sexual desire and vaginal lubrication than were recorded in teetotal women.

You could also try out a new sex position. Alternative angles and different speeds mean you might discover an erogenous zone you never knew you had - or a different route to orgasm. Need inspiration? Take a look at our guide on the best sex positions, write a description of each and put them in a jar. Pick one out each week.

6. See a therapist

Sometimes, there’s more going on in our heads than we realise, and that’s where a therapist can be a game changer. "If you’ve taken the courage to explore what’s going on in your sex life, but you can’t seem to engage with the things you want to engage with, it might be worth considering therapy," says Karen.

"It’s not necessarily about some huge problem. It might be something small that puts a brake on some area of your sexuality."

7. Practise self-love

Focus on yourself - and we don't mean masturbating. Libido starts with liking yourself, with being in a positive relationship with your own body, and in appreciating your sensuousness. You don't even need to go to extreme lengths to boost your libido either, research suggests.

The study found practising Pilates twice a week could improve low libido and a woman’s ability to reach orgasm, with noticeable changes in just three months. Those who got into a regular routine also reported a significant decline in instances of pain during sex, which may be a problem if you're going through perimenopause.

You could also try a sex toy for solo fun - it might be something you introduce to your relationship later on.

8. Have fun with sex toys

Don’t forget that sex is playtime for adults, and a pick of the best sex toys – while not essential – can help a lot. They’re especially good for introducing that element of surprise or newness into a relationship that’s feeling a bit samey. So if you tend to always have sex the same way, or on the same night of the week, introducing a toy can shake things up a bit.

Of course, you can choose the toy together but another way forward is to choose it on your own, and then show it to your partner when you’re alone together. Your partner will probably be very curious about what you’ve chosen and why. The choice you’ve made may prompt an interesting and sexy conversation – and one thing leads to another.

It can feel daunting to go into a high-street sex store, especially if you’re a bit older and you feel you’re different from the rest of the clientele, so looking online is a good way to explore sex toys. "A lot of women feel anxious and unsure about what they want," says Karen.

With a growing sex toy industry – by 2030 it’s estimated it will be worth more than £61 billion annually – toys arrive on the market all the time. New products include increasingly sensitive clitoral stimulators – these mimic oral sex, and some have ‘lips’ or ‘petals’ that flick across the clitoris. Other new items include increasingly sophisticated remote vibrators, which can be controlled via a remote or a smartphone app.

Wondering how to handle a breakup? If you're going through it, or know someone who is, it can be helpful to have a plan to deal with the emotions - and your ex. 

Navigating contact with someone you’ve shared part of your life with can be tricky territory. On one hand, it can be hard to not see someone who has been such a big part of your life – almost impossible if you have shared family, friends or assets. But, on the other, you might be hurt, angry or have unresolved feelings about relationship issues, making the thought of staying in touch almost unbearable. 

"Every relationship is different and there are countless variables, so whether there’s potential for an ongoing friendship or civil relationship with your ex-partner is extremely personal to your situation and the way things ended," says sex and relationship expert Dr Tara. 

There’s rarely a right or wrong answer but if you’re wondering whether you can hold on to part of your previous connection, or reinvent your relationship in a new, platonic way, our experts explain everything you need to know.

How to handle a breakup 

If they broke up with you

If you weren’t the one to call time on the relationship, be very careful about pursuing contact. A continuing connection might seem achievable – but at what cost? Ask yourself, what do you really want to get out of it? 

"It also depends on how they finished with you,’ says Dr Tara. "If it was in a reasonable, respectful way, it’s possible to stay friends with them – but only once you’ve truly given yourself enough time to heal. But if they were disrespectful, or if seeing them as a friend compromises your mental health, it’s not worth it." 

It's also important to be honest with yourself. What are your motives for staying in contact? Do you still love them? Are you still angry? Do you feel guilty? Will you be OK if they meet someone else? Be brutally honest, because continuing contact could cause you more pain and put you through more painful signs your relationship is over.

If you broke up with them

If you were the one to walk away then you have to respect your ex’s space and give them time to heal, even if you think staying in contact is the kind thing to do.

"Contacting an ex too soon might give them false hope of rekindling things or send mixed messages," says Dr Tara. "Stand firm in your decision and take a one to three- month break before contacting or receiving contact and re-establishing a friendship." 

Even though you did the breaking up, too much contact too soon could have you debating whether getting back together with an ex can ever work out.

If they treated you badly

If there are no children involved, how to handle a breakup is simple: stay away. "They don’t deserve any more of your time and energy,’ says Dr Tara. "Obviously, every scenario is different, but remaining in contact or seeking friendship from someone who hurt or disrespected you will only continue to damage your self-esteem and self-worth. It’s best to leave the relationship behind you and cease all contact."

One of the signs of a toxic relationship is having to fixate on all the good bits of the relationship to reconcile staying with a partner. Recognise whether you're idealising your ex and creating a false impression of how that person now fits into your life if you do choose to keep them in your life.

If you have kids together

This is hugely difficult as there are other people’s feelings to consider. But, where possible, it’s a lot healthier for children – mentally, psychologically and emotionally – when their parents can maintain a civil level of contact. 

"If you have kids and have a strong friendship, then I believe you can – and should try to – remain friends," says Dr Tara. "It’s good to show them a harmonious presence when you’re together so that they don’t have issues regarding monogamous relationships or trusting a partner in the future." 

Remember - being friends with your ex is not the same as dating them. It’s still going to take time to adjust and get used to a new dynamic. You may need to learn how to build trust again in a relationship of a very different kind with your partner.

However, if your ex has treated you poorly or the relationship is volatile, have very clear boundaries and focus on just being cordial rather than seeking friendship.

If you have all the same friends

While it’s important to maintain friendships that are valuable to you, maybe now is the time for a clear out. "I highly recommend using this 'new chapter' to take an audit of which friends you feel closest to and which you feel are more your ex’s friends," says Dr Tara on how to handle a breakup.

With good friends that you both share, be upfront and honest with them and your ex, explaining that you’d like to still socialise together, but maybe give it a few months before you’re all hanging out together.

Be honest about what is going to be best for your mental health and listen to what your ex says they need too, otherwise, it may be harder to start moving on from the relationship. 

If you still live together

Sometimes, because of finances or family, you might still find yourself living under the same roof as your ex. While some manage to navigate this well – like Paddy and Christine McGuinness, who separated but still share the home with their children – for many it’s understandably difficult. 

"Your living situation is extremely important to your mental, psychological and emotional health, so maintaining a friendship on some level when you have to live together is important," says Dr Tara. "But it doesn’t mean you have to watch Corrie together." 

Sit down and work out clear boundaries and dealbreakers in the relationship – including who uses the kitchen when and rules regarding any new partners. Be open and honest about what will work for you.

How long do breakup feelings last?

Plenty of researchers have looked into how long breakup feelings last - with few definitive answers. Some suggest it takes half as long as the relationship to heal, while others suggest three months for a relationship and one and a half years for a marriage. 

Ultimately though, it depends on the person and the relationship. The research on the subject does suggest that the more emotional investment you have in the relationship, the longer it'll take to get over it. 

Is it okay to sleep with an ex?

Diving back under the duvet with someone you’ve said goodbye to can be tempting, with studies by Wayne State University and the University of Texas at Austin finding that women and men are equally likely to get back in touch with sex in mind, but is it ever truly a good idea? There are positives and negatives to both sides. 

Everyone deserves fulfilling sex, and if an ex knows what makes you tick and it’s likely to hit the spot, then why not? "If the sex was good between you and the break-up was amicable, then reconnecting can feel safe, comfortable and mutually beneficial," says psychotherapist Carol Martin-Sperry, who is registered with the BACP. "Just make sure one of you isn’t doing it because they feel sorry for the other, otherwise there could be an abuse of power."

People and situations also change, and if there’s enough water under the bridge, sometimes rekindling a former flame can lead to a brand new spark – one that could potentially burn even brighter than before. "There’s also likely to be some sadness surrounding the break-up, so for some, coming together in a close, intimate moment can ease the pain and reinforce warm feelings and the bond you once had for each other," adds Martin-Sperry. 

Having good sex with your ex can fuel your confidence, make you feel desirable again and – according to a study on the psychology of break-up sex led by Tulane University – can send you on your way with a spring in your step, increasing your attractiveness to other potential partners.

Needless to say, however, sex with an ex comes with some serious risks. While you might feel like you could have sex with your ex without emotional attachment, the reality might turn out to be very different. The Tulane University study also showed men are more likely to have breakup sex and feel better about themselves because of it while women tend to feel better about the relationship. 

"Engaging in sex after a relationship has broken down can bring back the hurt and grief, causing painful feelings of déjà vu," says Martin-Sperry. "Often there’s an imbalance of feelings and one person is likely to be taken advantage of." 

Plus, no-strings sex with an ex can be hard to navigate. Just once? More regularly? When and where? Does safe sex need to be discussed? It’s likely to open a can of post-coital worms. 

It could also end up compounding any feelings of loneliness, leaving you feeling more alone than before. "Being intimate with a person who may not love or respect you any more can be really damaging for your self-esteem," says Martin-Sperry. 

Try practising self-compassion. Find your pick of the best sex toys - or call a good friend instead, and think hard before getting back into bed with an ex, because it really might not be best for you.

Grounding is the idea of re-centering yourself during sex. If you often find your thoughts moving away from yourself or your partner in the bedroom, you may find it useful.

Studies have shown a cyclical link between feeling distracted during sex and issues having an orgasm, leading to more automatic distracting and negative thoughts. Questioning a partner's attraction, sexual failure, sexual control and passivity, and thoughts of a completely unerotic nature were among the most common. Breaking this cycle is the key to enjoying sex if you often find yourself drifting off, whether that's while masturbating or being intimate with a partner.

Grounding is one such way to do this. Here, woman&home speaks to an expert in the world of sexual wellness to determine how best to stay in the moment, using alternative masturbation techniques (with the best sex toys, if you want to), and exercises for mindfulness. 

What is grounding?

Grounding is a way to centre sexual energy through touch, explains sex expert Samantha Marshall. It can help remove distractions from your mind as you refocus on yourself, your body, wants and needs, and if relevant, your partner. 

While there's no one set way to ground yourself, there are some common practices recommended by the experts - including mindful sex and meditation exercises like body scans, deep breathing, and sensory awareness exercises. 

You can also practice grounding post-orgasm as a way to stay in the moment and increase intimacy with your partner (or yourself). One way to do this is through cupping the vulva post-orgasm: "Just think of it like a vulva hug, a key source of our favourite love hormone, oxytocin," says Marshall, who works with sexual wellness brand Smile Makers.

How to try grounding

Body scan

• Get into a comfortable position and close your eyes, if you feel comfortable doing so.
• Take a few deep breaths.
• Starting at the top of the body with your head and neck, consider the sensations you're feeling in this area of your body. Any tension?
• Moving toward the middle of your body, be mindful of your chest and stomach. Any tightness? Any discomfort? It's important not to have any judgement about how you're feeling here, just an awareness of it.
• Moving down the body, how do your arms and hands feel? Vulva and pelvic region? Thighs? Right down to your calves and feet, consider how you're feeling in this moment, taking mental stock. There's no such thing as a 'wrong' feeling.

"This helps you become more aware of how your body feels and allows you to be fully immersed in the experience," says Marshall. "You can do this alone or with a partner guiding you through each body part, offering the chance to be intimate and to appreciate every part of the body. This could be all that you do, or it could be something you do to build arousal or even wind down after having an orgasm."

Vulva cupping

• Use the palm of your cup or a vulva vibrator to cup and hold your vulva as the intense post-orgasmic sensations dissipate.
• Breathe deeply and slowly.
• Tune into what your body is feeling in the moment.
• After a few moments, return to sexual stimulation patterned or solo.
• Be mindful of any difference you might have sensitivity-wise - and maybe even the potential for another orgasm.

Post-orgasm, Marshall says, this technique can help to "maintain a broader touch and soothe sensations, keep the intimacy, and build you up for more pleasure."

Deep breathing

• Inhale deeply past your lungs and into the diaphragm, not just into your chest.
• To help, put one hand on your abdomen and one on your chest while you breathe. This way, you'll visualise which hand is moving and whether you are breathing deep enough.
• Pace your breathing - for example, count for one as you breathe in, one as you breathe out, one as you breathe in, two as you breathe out, and so on.

Many experts say that diaphragmatic breathing is the route to learning how to have a better orgasm, as many of us hold our breath without realising it during sex. This grounding technique increases oxygen and blood flow to the brain and muscles, activates the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) and encourages relaxation. 

When we hold our breath during sex, we can accidentally activate the sympathetic nervous system (SNS). This system controls the 'fight or flight' response and when activated, the body is on red alert for danger, rather than focusing on pleasure, leading to distraction and negative thoughts. 

Sensory awareness

The 5,4,3,2,1 method encourages you to actively engage with your surroundings using each of your senses and can help to alleviate feelings of anxiety or distress and bring your attention back to the present moment, says Marshall. Here's how to do it:

• Take a deep breath.
• Name five things you can see.
• Name four things you can feel.
• Three things to can hear.
• Two things you can smell.
• One thing you can taste.
• You can do this by yourself to centre your attention or with a partner, taking it in turns to go through the steps.

"Sex is way more than just touch. The senses help us make more sense of ourselves, the scenario and our lovers - powerful tools to stimulate and enhance pleasure," says Marshall. "Making a conscious effort to recognise the different senses can bring us to the present and help us focus." 

The 5,4,3,2,1 method can be a particularly beneficial way to do this. It "makes for a fun and connecting game with a partner during sex too," she says.

Benefits of grounding

1. Helps you stay in the moment post-orgasm

The primary benefit of grounding exercises is that they can help you avoid distractions during sex. Whether it's because of negative thoughts or stresses outside of the bedroom, this technique has been proven to help. 

"It's a soothing practice that allows you to stay in the present, rather than immediately moving on with your day - or grabbing [another distraction like] your phone, and can help ease you back into the world after an orgasmic high," says Marshall. 

2. Connect with your body

Connecting with your body is essential to learn how to have better sex generally and grounding can help with this. "Taking the time to be with ourselves can be rare, and just like meditation or mindfulness, focusing on the sensation can help us connect deeper with ourselves," says the sex expert. "It also allows us to show our vulva some love, and consider how different parts of our anatomy play a role in our pleasure."

3. Multiple orgasms

The vulva cupping technique is particularly beneficial for anyone looking to try having more than one orgasm - known as multiple orgasms - with a partner in one of the best sex positions or on their own with a vibrator. "People with vulvas have a refractory period that is much shorter than those with a penis, meaning the body physiologically can become aroused and enjoy stimulation again very soon after orgasm," says Marshall. 

If orgasms don't come easily to you or you're looking to know how to have a better, longer-lasting one, edging could be the practice for you. 

Far from being a social media sex trend as many of the best sex positions often are, edging is an orgasm-control technique sex therapists and coaches use with individuals and couples alike to help them have better sex. 

"Edging is the technique used to prolong and control orgasm by maintaining a high level of sexual arousal, without reaching the point of orgasm for some time," says Kate Moyle, a psychosexual therapist. The idea behind doing so is that edging can help you slow down, reconnect with yourself, and find out what you actually like - and hopefully, have a better orgasm because of it. Here, experts reveal how to try it for yourself and the benefits. 

What is edging?

Edging is a technique used to prolong and control an orgasm, psychosexual therapist Kate Moyle says. "It often looks like going up to the point of orgasm, and then slowing down or reducing stimulation before building it back up again," she explains. 

It's a practice that can be done by yourself with masturbation techniques or with a partner - and there's no specific technique to it. "It's about maintaining a high level of sexual arousal without reaching the point of orgasm, which can then build up more intense anticipation, pleasure, and arousal," says Moyle, who is also the resident sex and relationship expert at Lelo. "And for some, it can make orgasms feel more intense when they finally happen."

How to do it

Edging is all about enjoying the waves of sexual stimulation rather than rushing to the 'finish' line, as many people do when masturbating and during partnered sex. To try edging for yourself, follow this simple pattern: 

• Start sexual stimulation
• Change the intensity or stop it just before orgasm
• When arousal has become less intense, start to increase the intensity again
• Repeat the cycle

There's no specific time when you should stop edging - rather you should check in with yourself or your partner as to when the practice ends and you have the orgasm. 

That being said, if you are looking to try edging for the first time, the experts have some tips: 

Make time and space for yourself

Trying anything new in the bedroom, whether alone or with a partner, takes patience so make sure you're in the right headspace. "Make sure you eliminate all distractions and really take the time to be with yourself," says BIPOC sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, who is also the sexpert for sexual wellness brand Lovers.

Stick to what you know at the beginning

When trying edging for the first time, it's a good idea to stick to what works. Then, when you're more au faux with the practice, you can move on to any new sex positions or techniques you want to try.

"Whether it's your hand or a sex toy, make sure that you have something that you use usually with masturbation to get you to orgasm. That way, you are familiar and you know what it takes to get you to orgasm," says Stewart. 

If you're trying it with a partner, opt for sex positions you know and love - but if they're too good, you might struggle to lower the intensity when you need to. Positions that allow both partners to control any thrusting movements are a good idea too, such as the spooning sex position or the yab yum. 

Practice mindfulness to avoid the 'point of no return'

The 'point of no return' is when orgasm is inevitable and trying to stop it from happening may dampen the experience. It's this point you want to come close to, before bringing yourself back down, the experts say. 

To do this, Annabelle Knight, a couple’s counsellor and psychosexual therapist, recommends trying a form of sexual mindfulness. "This means paying attention to your body and living in the moment. Note how you feel at each stage, appreciate the pleasure, and be attentive to your body's signals. This will allow you to identify the point just before the orgasm becomes inevitable." 

On approaching the 'point of no return', many people find their breathing becomes sharper or they hold their breath. Movements are simple and it can feel like all your attention has become focused on your genitals. That's when you need to stop and bring down the intensity, perhaps resting for a minute or two. 

Don't try it the same way every time

That's the great thing about edging - there's not one set way to do it, so you can try different methods and test out what works for you (and your partner). "Like anything in our sex lives, curiosity is a big factor and without it, we can easily get stuck doing the same thing on repeat, which can have a dampening effect on desire. Mix up how you try edging with different types of touch, play, using your best vibrator or lube and don't focus on the amount of time it takes, more how you and/or your partner is responding," says Moyle.

"Often when we find something that works for us we tend not to want to break away from it, but getting stuck in sexual routines can have the opposite effect of it no longer working for us," she says. 

What are the benefits of edging? 

1. It can make your orgasm feel more intense

Many people who try edging find that staying in a heightened state of arousal for a longer time before orgasm makes their orgasm feel more intense when they finally have it - and it can help you learn how to have a better orgasm too. 

"It can be a great technique for those who want to spend a bit more time on a sexual experience - something that many people struggle with in our very busy modern lives, and more focus on our pleasure without distraction is a real boost for our sex lives, and desire," says Moyle. 

2. It can slow down how quickly you orgasm

If you find that you (or your partner) tend to orgasm a little too quickly, practising edging can be a great way to slow it down and help you build up some endurance. "It can help you gain better control over your sexual responses, which can be particularly beneficial for those looking to prolong sexual encounters," says Knight.

3. It can help you bond with your partner

Looking to learn how to have better sex? Edging could be the answer. It can help to bring the two of you together for longer, enhancing your emotional and physical connection. 

"It offers a chance for you to get more comfortable with sexual communication and offering each other prompts during sex," Moyle says. "So often in our sex lives, we fear 'getting it wrong' and the best way to counteract that is to understand what's feeling good or not for our partners as sex is subjective." 

Not only that - if you haven't had sex in a while, edging can be a good way to get back into the swing of things. "It's very approachable, easy to try, and adaptable depending on your preferences," says Angie Rowntree, the founder and director of award-winning site Sssh.com. 

4. Edging can help you reconnect with yourself

There are times in life when our sexual preferences, what we enjoy, and what feels comfortable tend to change - during and after menopause, for example. Edging can help you better know yourself and what you enjoy.

"You gain more self-awareness about your body and what it takes you to get closer to orgasm," says Stewart. "This can help you communicate with lovers, as you know which strokes might get you over the edge as needed with lovers." 

5. Edging may help to ease sexual anxiety

Edging is truly the best practice for anyone who wants to take things slow, anyone unsure of what works for them, or anyone feeling some sexual anxiety.

If that anxiety manifests in feeling distant or distracted during sex, edging may be able to help. "Feeling distracted during sex can take away from pleasure and sexual satisfaction. Edging can help us to direct our attention towards what's happening in our bodies and give our pleasure our full focus," says Moyle. 

As there's no formula to edging, you can keep going for as long as you like. However, Moyle warns against thinking that longer equals better. "If you're doing it with your partner go with the Emily Nagoski (leading sex educator and the author of Come As You Are) approach of 'pleasure is the measure'," she says. "Edging isn't an endurance test of how long you can last or maintain for, and it's not a challenge to be beaten. Communicate with each other about how it feels, and focus on what you're enjoying." 

"It's not about making orgasm the goal of sex either which can create pressure and sometimes distraction, ironically focusing on our orgasm more can interrupt our ability to reach it."

Wondering how to have a better orgasm? You're certainly not alone if you struggle to orgasm or it's not happening like you want it to. 

It's thought that four in ten women experience an issue that prevents them from orgasming as they'd like to. And while there can be many medical reasons for this, from a lack of natural lubrication to sexual dysfunction, it's often a simple case of doing one thing differently.

Whether you want to know how to have better sex or you're struggling to have a orgasm in the first place, trying out this expert-recommended technique in the bedroom can help you get there. 

How to have a better orgasm

The number one way to have a better orgasm is to get your breathing under control and start breathing deeply, says sex therapist Jordan Rullo. "Diaphragmatic breathing is a great way to breathe very deeply, increase oxygen and blood flow, and activate the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) to encourage relaxation," she explains. 

Activating the PNS helps you relax and so allows better flow to the genitals and other erogenous zones. "[This is important] because that is what facilitates genital sexual arousal," says Rullo, who works with Flo Health as a medical expert.

Here's how to do it: 

• Inhale deeply into your lungs and into the diaphragm, not just into your chest.
• Put one hand on your abdomen and one on your chest while you breathe to get a visual of which hand is moving.
• Pace your breathing - for example, count for one as you breathe in, one as you breathe out, one as you breathe in, two as you breathe out, and so on.

"This type of breathing involves inhaling deeply into your lungs and into the diaphragm, not just into your chest. In other words, when you breathe in, you want to see your abdomen expand, not your chest," says Rullo.

The technique for how to have a better orgasm went viral on TikTok last year and while we remain sceptical of social media trends, we can get behind this one. Much like the belly press trick, this breathing technique can boost your enjoyment of sex without needing to buy anything or change anything too drastically - so why not give it a go?  

Why are some orgasms not as strong as others?

During sex, it's completely normal to hold your breath or breathe faster than you normally would. Given that you're (hopefully) really enjoying it, the last thing you're probably thinking about is how you're breathing. "In my practice, I often hear clients tell me that as they become more aware of their breathing (by practising mindfulness), they realise in their sexual arousal buildup that they hold their breath at certain times," Rullo says. 

However, how we breathe has a strong link to how strong orgasms can be. "Rapid breathing or holding your breath can activate the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) - essentially your fight or flight response. An activated SNS tells you there is a threat and you need to be on high alert to protect yourself. As a result, blood does not flow to your genitals. After all, why would you need genital arousal to protect yourself from a threat? Blood flows to your extremities (arms and legs) so you’re ready to fight," she says. 

A lack of blood flow to the genitals can make it harder to orgasm as the clitoris - which goes beyond its small outward appearance and actually stretches up to the G-spot on the internal vaginal wall - needs plenty of blood around it to reach orgasm. 

As well as mastering this particular breathing technique, regular exercise and lube (particularly if you're approaching menopause or postmenopausal) can help.

Why does deep breathing improve sex? 

As Rullo says and research from the University of Texas suggests: "You ultimately need greater activation in your PNHS than your SNS, to facilitate sexual arousal and orgasm" and you can do this by engaging in deep breathing during sex. 

"Deep breathing, or diaphragmatic breathing, is a way to activate the PNS and relax your body, thereby increasing oxygen in the body, encouraging muscle relaxation, reducing stress, and facilitating blood flow," she says. "All these benefits of deep breathing are foundational to sexual pleasure and orgasm."

How to use breathwork during sex

• Master the technique outside the bedroom first: If you're new to mindfulness and breathwork exercises, trying diaphragmatic breathing for the first time in the bedroom may be running before you can walk. Get to grips with the basics, try it with some masturbation techniques where you can control the stimulation, and then try it with a partner.
• Practice breathing out during sex: "Holding one’s breath tenses (versus relaxes) the body and may signal to the brain that there is a threat and activate the SNS. This can then reduce the amount of oxygen in the body, which decreases blood flow, which is necessary for arousal," says Rullo. So, in the heat of the moment, practice simply breathing out and letting go of any pent-up energy.
• Try breathing meditations in your daily routine: Breathing meditations (which you can easily find online or via one of the best mediation apps), are a core component of meditation practices that can ultimately improve sexual function for women," says Rullo. They can also help to lower your cortisol levels and reduce stress in everyday life as well, making the idea of sex more appealing in the first place.
• Try synchronised breathing: "This is the practice of breathing in sync with your partner. It's a common exercise in tantric sex, which is much like sexual yoga but transcends your typical sexual experience," says the therapist.
• Move as you breathe: If you are struggling with diaphragmatic breathing, it may help to move as you breathe. For example, try the technique while doing pelvic floor yoga, which blends the benefits of kegel exercises with deep breathing exercises.

Even those who've been through breakups many times before find it difficult to start moving on from a relationship that's lasted years, if not decades. There's no rulebook or instruction manual for how it should go but the experts have some key tips that may help. 

Whether it's the result of boundaries being crossed and dealbreakers in a relationship being reached or simply falling out of love and being unable to revive the romance, there are numerous valid reasons why a breakup is a good idea. Just because it's the right thing to do though, doesn't make it easy. 

As love and relationship coach Heather Garbutt says, "When we divorce or break up, especially after a long time, we experience profound emotional trauma. The feeling of loss, often experienced as abandonment may feel like the most profound of threats to our identity and survival. It can feel as if we are a child being left by a mother. We can feel so exposed and vulnerable. Even if you are the one who initiates the separation, you can still experience this." 

How to move on from a relationship when you've been together a long time

1. Take care of the essentials

In times of peak stress and grief, many people find themselves reverting to earlier stages of development. With your nervous system frayed, you might find yourself in a constant flux of fight or flight. So, taking a step back and actively focusing should be the first thing you do, says Garbutt. 

"Be mindful of what you eat, get enough sleep, and take time to soothe and relax yourself," says the coach, who specialises in 'conscious uncoupling'. "You are likely in shock, so be kind to yourself and do whatever calms and nurtures you. It might be cosying up at night on the sofa, having a bath, exercising, reading, listening to music, crafting, whatever feels good." 

2. Create some distance

Going from being married and living with someone to not seeing them can be bewildering - or a total relief, depending on the nature of the relationship. Either way, it's important to create some physical and mental distance from your now ex-partner. 

While harder to do if you share a mortgage, children, and so on, living separately and not interacting with each other for a period may be beneficial for everyone involved. 

In the age of the internet, if your ex-partner is active on social media, this also means distancing yourself from this. "Looking at your ex's social media, while it's tempting for obvious reasons, is probably the biggest mistake people make. It keeps you emotionally invested, making moving on that much more difficult," says Kendra Capalbo, LICSW, a licensed therapist and the founder of Concierge Couples Counseling.

The same suggestion applies to looking at the social media of a mutual friend who may post pictures of your ex-partner or talk about them online. "People tend to post photos that make their lives look perfect, even when that is not the case. So it is easy to have your feelings hurt when you see your ex has moved on seemingly without hurt or hesitation at all, even if that is not the case," she says. 

3. Focus on the positives

Sometimes moving on from a relationship is simply about getting through one day and into another. Time is the biggest healer and all that. So, to lift your mood daily, Garbutt suggests you look at what's good in life right now.

"Ask yourself, 'what am I grateful for? What can I pat myself on the back for? What can I appreciate another person for? What am I feeling? What do I need?'," she says. 

"Post-traumatic growth is the name given to the changes we can make from painful times, so treat this as an opportunity for growth, deeper self-understanding, and invest in your future," she says. "All these steps will help you heal and develop a further knowledge of yourself, your relationship skills, and your ability to create the life and relationships you want in the future."

4. Reach out to honest friends

Emotional support is essential during this time and as much as having someone physically support you by taking care of the non-essentials, like cooking the occasional meal or taking the dog out for a walk on a down day. However, Garbutt suggests choosing that emotional support carefully. 

"Those who support you out of the best of intentions [and help you] feel like the one who has been hard done by and blame the other person will not truly serve you in the long-term," she says. "This is not to excuse any bad behaviour by your ex, but for your health and wellbeing in the future, it will be better to get out of only feeling like the victim and ask yourself some serious questions."

5. Work out what kind of relationship you want with your ex-partner

Moving on from a relationship in the months and years after it's over means choosing the relationship you want with your ex-partner. "It could be that you want nothing more to do with them," says Garbutt. "If you don't have children, that's fairly straightforward. If you have children, how can you move to a basic cooperative relationship with your ex?"

While it can be tempting to burn bridges, depending on the situation, the coach advises against acting too quickly on the feelings you have right now. "You may be feeling all sorts but do you want this to create the shape of your future with them?" she asks.

6. Don't try and become friends too quickly

Equally, however, if the relationship ended amicably then there is another pitfall to avoid: trying to become friends too quickly. 

"I am a firm believer that couples can remain friends after a breakup, but I think it is necessary first to have a healing period of separation," says Capalbo.

"If you try to be friends too quickly, it can be hard to move on. Being friends removes a lot of the stress that may have caused the relationship to end [and many common relationship issues], so moving into the friend zone can cause a false sense that everything would be okay if you tried to get back together," she says. "If you allow those feelings to stay active, it is hard to open yourself up to other opportunities and move on. Closing the door completely, at least initially, allows you to move on and then, if you desire, attempt friendship down the line." 

7. Take up a new hobby

If your relationship and friendships were all intertwined as many often are, or you were in a co-dependent relationship, you may need to get back out there and learn how to make friends as an adult. 

Finding a new hobby can help with this and offer something else to focus on during the time you'd otherwise be spending with your partner. 

"Introducing a new hobby into your life can provide an opportunity to create fresh, independent memories that are completely separate from your past relationship. Unlike activities you may have shared with your ex, a new hobby can bring joy and fulfilment while allowing you to focus on personal growth and self-discovery," says Capalbo. "It offers a chance to explore new talents and interests and embrace individuality outside the relationship." 

8. Avoid dating again too quickly

Much like how it's advisable to wait before becoming friends with an ex, if you're interested in dating again, it's better to hold off until you feel you're truly ready to meet someone new.   

Although it very much depends on the situation - for example, if you were separated for a while before officially breaking up, you may be ready to move on - entering the dating pool again too quickly can lead to a rebound relationship and there is real value in learning how to be happy alone. 

"A rebound relationship is just that, a rebound. Usually, you don’t take much care in picking out a person to date as a rebound, and as a result, they will likely not be a good fit," says Capalbo. "This can cause you to feel like perhaps you made a mistake ending the previous relationship. It is important to take your time, truly heal, and enter the dating world when you are ready to find a good match and not just a quick one." 

9. Seek professional help when needed

As noted by both experts, a breakup is a type of trauma - no matter your age or previous relationship experience. In some cases, it may be worth finding a therapist who can help you with moving on from a relationship. 

"You can do all of this on your own, but it’s so much more difficult when you feel alone, bereft and in turmoil already," says Garbutt. "With the best will in the world, you can’t think outside of your own box." 

Capalbo agrees. "Self-reflection is crucial after the end of a long-term relationship. Therapy can provide a supportive environment for identifying areas of personal growth, understanding what you need and want in future relationships, and processing your emotions. It can be a valuable tool for gaining insight, healing from past wounds, and moving toward a healthier and more fulfilling personal and relational life."

How long does it take to get over someone? 

Researchers from Northwestern University looked into this and though the research was conducted on young adults, they made an interesting conclusion: some people start to feel better at the 11-week mark, which is about three months, post-breakup. Needless to say though, it's not a timeline that can be applied to everyone. It will entirely depend on individual circumstances and relationships.

It can take years for some people to properly start move on from a relationship. "A break-up is a bereavement and you will have all sorts of feelings associated with the losses, such as anxiety, sadness and anger, loss of control and uncertainty about the future," says Garbutt. "You have lost the life you were living and the future you imagined." 

Part of the reason why breakups are so difficult, Garbutt adds, is that many people don't grieve the relationship they had when it ended. They grieve and still long for the person their partner was at the beginning of the relationship, who is no longer that person, or they long for the person their partner was trying to be. 

Knowing how to talk about expectations in a relationship can be difficult - even more so if you've already been with your partner for a few years. At the beginning of a relationship, talking about your needs and wants comes more naturally as you figure each other out. As the years go by though, we can assume more than we should.

It's important to discuss expectations in a relationship as they can change year by year even if nothing major happens, as well as after big life events and relationship issues. "Expectations of ourselves and each other and our lives are alive and well within us whether we speak of them or not, whether we are conscious of them or not," says Heather Garbutt, a psychotherapist and love and relationship therapist. "We may also be expecting things from our partners which we think we have agreed a long time ago, but of which they are completely unaware or have totally forgotten. This is often a source of pain and disappointment to both sides of the relationship." 

To avoid this and the resulting relationship anxiety, it's important to learn how to talk about expectations in a relationship again. Here, woman&home speaks to two certified therapists to reveal what you need to know.

How to talk about expectations in a relationship

1. Know exactly what you want

Before you talk about expectations with your partner, get clear in your own mind about what you want - for yourself, from your partner, and from your relationship. It's entirely normal to not have the same expectations for any of these that you did when you first met your partner, but the key to keeping your relationship on track is discussing them so you can grow together. 

"Sometimes this is really hard though. We aren't really used to asking ourselves what we want. In our culture, we still have “I want doesn't get” and as women, we are often conditioned to be self-sacrificing and look after the needs of others at our own expense," says Garbutt. 

"If it is hard for you to think about what you want, it can be useful to look at all the things you don't want and tease out the opposite. Just a list can be good if journalling isn’t your thing," she says. 

2. Ask instead of assuming

If you're unsure about your partner's expectations in any element of your relationship, or you think they may have misunderstood yours, talk about it. "Ask instead of assuming," says Michelle Elman, aka the 'Queen of Boundaries', a five-board accredited life coach and boundaries expert. 

"We have all been raised differently and therefore we have all had different examples of long-term relationships. It can be easy to assume that the adult relationships that surrounded you in childhood are the same as your partners and that's not always the case." 

Going through changes in your relationship over the years makes this even more important. "Talking about things can start to air out the assumptions you have and you can design your own route as a couple which possibly combines both your upbringings," she says.

3. Make time to talk

We're all busy but if you want to maintain and maybe even spice up your relationship in the long term, making time for each other has to be at the top of your priority list, no matter what else is going on. 

"Make sure you have your regular date night," suggests Garbutt. "It is important so that you can keep or re-establish connection with each other and remember who you are as a couple. This will make the conversation around expectations so much easier." 

4. Be sure to listen

Good communication is naturally the way forward when learning how to talk about expectations in a relationship and that involves true listening skills.

"You could start a conversation with your partner about what they want from life for themselves, with you and in life, and share some of the things on your list. Gently getting this all out into the open can be surprising. You may find out all sorts of things that you didn't know [by creating time to listen]," Garbutt says. It may even help you learn how to revive romance in a relationship as well.  

5. Communicate about big events

Everyday expectations are easy to acknowledge, i.e. you expect your partner to help with chores around the house, share the responsibility of dependents, and make an effort to share the mental load in the relationship. However, big events are important too as our expectations around these can change as the years go by.

"Milestones and occasions bring a lot of expectation and if you do not communicate around them, they can become invisible tests," warns Elman. "The problem with testing your partner is that they might fail without even knowing that they are being tested. For example, if you want to big deal over your birthday this year, then say that." 

It's something Elman herself is open about experiencing the benefit of. "Words are really important to me and I'm an author so they come easier to me than some. My boyfriend finds that harder, so our first Christmas passed without a card. For Valentine's Day, I communicated that I would really like a card and I didn't just want a card with two words in it but with proper sentiments and ideally, you would write on both pages. Yes, I was that specific. I might sound needy or demanding but at the end of the day, if he didn't want to do it, it wouldn't have. By asking for what I wanted, he had a roadmap on how to make me happy and it was more useful to him to know." 

6. Recognise your differences

Even if you've been in a relationship for 10, 20 or 30 years, you may show love differently to your partner and it's important to continually recognise this to be happy in a relationship in the long term.

"There are many conversations about love languages but, in my opinion, they are quite narrow and reductionist because people showing love in different ways isn't actually limited to 'loving moments'," says Elman. "A person can show they care in an argument by leaving you alone and the other person can interpret that as abandonment when their intention was to give you space to process. Every human works differently and so more communication is always better." 

Garbutt agrees. "Through all of this, cultivate an attitude of curiosity and not taking things personally. Just hear your partner," she says.

7. Negotiate

While words like 'negotiation' and 'compromise' are hardly sexy terms to use when talking about a relationship, they are needed. Garbutt recommends asking your partner what their (realistic) ideal life would look like and telling them what yours would look like. From there, you can negotiate. 

"Sometimes thinking out-of-the-box enables you both to get more of what you want in life and from each other," she says. "An expectation just stated boldly and out of the blue could feel like a demand and pressure."

Why is it important to talk about expectations in a relationship? 

It's normal to think that expectations are something you discuss early on, around the same time you discuss whether you're exclusively in a relationship, what a good relationship looks like to you, and what you want in the long term to decide if you're compatible. But learning how to talk about expectations in a relationship is actually a life-long process, the experts say, as what you want in a partnership changes over time.

"Expectations can change over time as our stages in life change," explains Garbutt. "What we expect from each other in our 20s is different to our 30s and 40s. We've matured, are at different stages in our careers, have had different experiences and become co-workers, co-parents, and so on. We will have adapted to cope with these stages, but not necessarily agreed on them out loud." 

Making sure the conversation about new expectations happens can prevent a build-up of resentment over time, she says. "There will have been opportunities for resentments to build up because of the lack of communication of expectations, intentions and aspirations. What we are each prepared to offer the other [may have changed too]. This can threaten the relationship and increase the propensity for you to be growing apart." It may also be a cause of relationship burnout, which many couples find difficult to recover from.

What to do if your relationship expectations are not being met 

If you've discussed your expectations but you feel they're not being met, it's not one of the signs your relationship is over just yet. It's time to look internally though. Elman has the following advice: be clear about what you actually need versus what you want and look at the root of those expectations.

"Be very clear with yourself about what is a 'need' and what is a 'want'," she says. "It's also important to look at what is a 'deal breaker' in a relationship and what you can live with. The latter is less discussed but choosing a partner long-term means there will be things about them you don't like or annoy you, and that's because no human is designed to be perfect for you or identically compatible."

Then, look at where your expectations are coming from if your partner is finding it difficult to meet them. "A lot of time when we over-romanticise relationships, particularly long-term relationships, we set expectations that are achievable in the short-term but place a lot of pressure in the long term," says Elman. 

"For example, the expectation for a relationship to be continually exciting and interesting. The reality is life is filled with boring moments and if you are not able to be satisfied in the mundane then that leads to a relationship that is less sustainable as you will always be chasing the high."

By opening up a conversation around expectations and continually creating the space for it, you can in turn learn how to build trust in a relationship again as you've both given each other the opportunity to discuss your needs and wants in a healthy, productive way. 

"With this preparation, it becomes a suggestion and a request which gives much more room for manoeuvre," says Garbutt. "The response becomes a choice and a gift and is much more likely to be forthcoming."

Have you ever heard of 'phubbing'? This common behaviour may sound like something made up by the internet - and you wouldn't be too wrong - but experts have warned it can also be a serious problem in longer-term relationships. 

Our phones are used for everything such as messaging, shopping, working and so much more. I know that my phone is rarely far from my side, apart from when I’m asleep. I’m also aware that this reliance is unhealthy and I know that it affects my relationship with my husband and children, and it seems I'm not alone. 

Phubbing is the habit of ignoring those around you in favour of your phone or other digital device, and it's one of the most common relationship issues of the modern age. I think when life can feel overwhelming with work, childcare or other responsibilities, it can be easy to just turn to your phone and start doom-scrolling to switch off. I know that this is something I do when I’m on the sofa watching TV in the evening or in bed at night, but these moments would be a great time to catch up with my husband. So why do I find myself browsing shops or wasting time on social media? Here, woman&home speaks to addiction, relationship, and wellbeing experts to find out why phubbing is so prevalent in relationships and how we can prevent it.

What is phubbing?

Phubbing is a portmanteau made from the words ‘phone’ and ‘snubbing’ and it refers to the act of spending more time on your phone - texting, calling, messaging or scrolling through social media - than interacting with your partner.

According to data from Pew Research Center, 81% of people aged between 30 and 49 use social media with 73% of people aged 50 to 64 saying the same. So, it's really not a surprise that phubbing is a common issue in relationships when so many of us are rarely far from our mobile phones.

In fact, more of us than ever before are using our phones for validation, connection, and escape, says addiction specialist Brook McKenzie who works with Burning Tree Programs, so you're not alone if you're worried about your phone use or your partner's. He believes it's become more of an issue in recent years as well since we're all becoming accustomed to the "dopamine-driven feedback loops, constant connectivity desires, and the allure of instant gratification" on devices that have been specifically designed to capture and retain our attention. The constant invention and reinvention of social media apps like Instagram, TikTok, and X (formerly Twitter), hasn't helped with this either.

Phubbing can happen at any time, to anyone, and it's not just something that happens in relationships. Have you ever been out to dinner with a friend who seems to be spending more time on their phone texting someone else, making phone calls, or updating their social media? That's also phubbing. 

It's at home with a partner that phubbing tends to happen the most though. If you've been together and lived together for years, you may not feel the same sense of social obligation to engage in conversation. However, for all the comfort this offers, it's not great for a healthy, long-term relationship. If you’re constantly choosing to look at your phone rather than engage with your partner then problems will arise.

Jessica Alderson, an online dating expert and co-founder of So Synced, says, "In situations where it occurs repeatedly, phubbing can cause feelings of neglect and disconnection in a relationship. If someone is continuously prioritizing their phone over conversations with their partner, you can see why the person who is being phubbed might feel insignificant and unimportant." 

There's even research to prove it. Dr Martha Lee, a relationship counsellor and clinical sexologist, highlights a study in connection with Artvin Coruh University which found that higher levels of smartphone addiction were associated with lower relationship satisfaction and higher levels of depression and anxiety. If you are constantly choosing to scroll through Instagram or message friends then it’s not hard to understand why they may start to think that you find them boring or don’t value their company. It's hardly the recipe for being happy in a relationship and if the habit continues unspoken about, it could even become one of the signs of a toxic relationship.

While I don’t think I’m addicted to my phone, I do acknowledge that I’m very attached to it. If my husband and I are having a movie night, I often find that even if I’m really engaged in what we’re watching, I’ll still habitually reach out to check my phone. I may only be planning to check my messages but it often leads to me wasting time by inanely scrolling through an app that I hadn’t planned to be on.

Is phubbing rude?

Yes, phubbing is rude - but you probably know that already. If you're regularly choosing to communicate with friends and even strangers online instead of having face-to-face interactions with those around you, you're snubbing real-life interactions in favour of digital gratification. Not only will this have a gradual impact on those around you, including your partner if you're in a relationship, but could speak to a wider problem with phone reliance. 

Relationship and women's wellbeing expert Deborah Kagan says, "Beyond being a simple breach of etiquette, phubbing sends a subtle, and sometimes overt, message: ‘The virtual world on my screen is more important than our real-world interaction’.” 

Alderson agrees. "Attention is a valuable resource in any relationship. When someone consistently chooses their phone over spending time with their partner, it sends a message that someone or something else is more important to them.” In more serious cases of phubbing, if one of you doesn’t feel appreciated or listened to, you might start to confide in a third party or seek reassurance and support from elsewhere. This will only increase the distance between the two of you and in more severe cases, it could be one of the biggest red flags for the end of the relationship as it could lead to the eventual breakdown of the partnership. 

Dr Lee highlights that phubbing isn’t solely a problem within romantic relationships though. It can also be an issue in friendships, within family dynamics, and in professional interactions.

How to stop phubbing in your relationship

Communication is always key in any relationship and whether you are the ‘phubber’ or ‘phubbee’, an open discourse about its impact on your happiness as a couple is essential. Screen time limits may not have featured in a list of potential issues in your relationship but if phone use is having a negative impact then it’s time to talk about how it makes you feel. 

1. Use apps that minimise screen time

"Setting boundaries around phone usage during quality time together can help create a more present and connected environment," says Dr Lee. Both Android and Apple devices have built-in apps which can help you monitor your screen time and limit it when you need to. You might be shocked when you see the graphs showing your daily use, which are often broken down into games, texting, social media, and so on. It can be a harsh wake-up call, especially when you think about what else you could be doing with your time. McKenzie suggests "turning off non-essential notifications and decluttering your home screens" to reduce intrusion when you’re doing other activities.

Many of the best health apps, such as Space, allow you to set goals for how long or little you want to spend on your phone and send you notifications to let you know how you’re doing. Forest is an app that lets you plant a tree when you want to stay focused or just be away from your phone and although it doesn't actively prevent you from using your device, when you use social media or another platform, your tree will die. If you're looking for one of the best productivity apps to focus on your relationship, it's a good one. 

On iPhone, there is a Digital Wellbeing setting built-in, which allows you to set a limit on the time you spend on an app. Once you’ve reached that limit, it will lock you out. This can be really effective in cutting your phone reliance.

2. Explore other hobbies

If your relationship is suffering due to a lack of face-to-face time then why not find an activity that you can do together? Dr Lee says quality time is one of the five love languages, and no matter how busy life gets, it’s important to make time to be with your partner. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive or tricky to organise. A simple walk and a chat can do wonders for reconnecting with a partner. Playing board games in the evening or cooking together is better than sitting on your phones on the sofa, and it can even help to spice up your relationship. 

During the summer, I was inspired by the psychotherapist Anna Mathur to keep a crossword book to hand, instead of my phone. When I felt the urge to check my apps or idly put things I was never going to buy into a shopping basket, I would do a puzzle instead. This worked in three great ways: it cut my screen time by around 25% in a week, challenged me mentally, and involved my family, who all wanted to help me when I got stuck. And I didn’t miss my phone at all! 

3. Have dedicated phone-free time

I’m guilty of reaching for my phone as soon as I wake up or in bed at night when I should be winding down and I know this is a sign that I’m overly reliant on it. It’s usually once we’ve turned out the light and my phone is on my bedside table that I think of questions I want to ask my husband - which is hardly the right time!

We’re both very conscious of how unhealthy it is to be scrolling through social media before we go to sleep. Not only does it affect our communication, but also our sex life and quality of sleep. I’ve found that I sleep so much better after an evening where I’ve put my phone on airplane mode and read a book instead.

McKenzie suggests committing to digital detox days. This could be on holiday or a day out with your partner where you connect again and appreciate why you love each other.

4. Prioritise real-life connections

We all know how toxic social media can be and while you might have some meaningful connections with users on some platforms, these apps can have a detrimental impact on your mental health. McKenzie says phone addiction or overuse “hampers genuine communication, fosters detachment and can overshadow real-life experiences, diminishing the quality and depth of interpersonal connections”. 

Spending time in the real world, with people who know and love you is hugely important as we all know. Both the person doing the phubbing and the phubbed individual need these connections to stay happy and fulfilled - not just in the relationship but in life generally. 

Recently my husband and I have made a real effort to put our phones down and focus on the present moment. Instead of sitting at opposite ends of the sofa half-watching TV and half-scrolling, we are trying to cuddle up closer to enjoy our favourite shows together. We’re also sitting down at the table to eat without our phones more often, so we can catch up on the day’s events and listen to each other. We make sure we go on date nights at least once a month where we sit down and properly talk about anything and everything, from careers to family and plans for the future.

We’re also trying to be better at communicating our feelings to each other and he will tell me if I’m using my phone too much - and I usually (ok, sometimes, begrudgingly) agree.

5. Keep your phone on silent

This might be an obvious suggestion but if you can’t hear activity on your phone, such as pings for messages or notifications, then you might be able to resist looking at it. Incessant sounds can be really irritating and disruptive. If your phone is on silent it can’t interfere with other activities you’re doing. 

How to talk to your partner about phubbing

• Be honest about how your partner’s phubbing makes you feel: It might be that they don’t even realise they’re doing it and keeping things to yourself will only cause resentment to build.
• Use examples of when it’s made you feel like you’re not a priority or being heard by them: Kagan suggests using “I” statements such as "I feel neglected when we're together and the phones come out" and "I miss our deep conversations".
• Try not to be too domineering or accusatory: It’s likely that your partner knows they’re over-reliant on their phone so making them feel worse about it may just lead to conflict.
• Choose the right time: Don’t have a conversation when anyone is stressed or angry. Talk when there are no other distractions and you both have time to have a meaningful conversation.
• Consider talking to a therapist or addiction expert: If your partner seems to have a real problem cutting down their phone use then it might be time to get some external help. A therapist may offer services such as hypnotherapy and tools to help reduce phone dependence.

Mental load, which is also referred to as invisible labour, is when one person in a relationship juggles the responsibility of planning, managing and executing tasks that keep a household running outside of household chores. Emotional and mental efforts like anticipating a relative's needs, organising schedules, and managing relationships. If you, like me, find yourself carrying most of the mental load in your relationship, you'll know how exhausting it can be. 

Invisible labour can cause problems in any partnership as one person may be struggling to keep all the balls in the air on a day-to-day basis and the other may not even have a clue that it’s being handled. This has unfortunately been the case in my marriage, where these tasks often fall to me. At times, I've felt very overwhelmed by it all. My husband and I have three children and a busy work and social life so there's always something to remember, whether that's paying a bill, someone's birthday, or menu planning for the week. 

I’m a very organised person and a natural worrier, which isn’t the best combination when it comes to dealing with the mental load. It means that I’d rather just do things myself and tick them off my list than delegate to my husband, which takes longer and leaves me panicking that they won’t get done. It has taken a lot of effort for us both to communicate better and split the workload where we can. 

The imbalance of handling mental load is one of the most common relationship issues out there, so here, with advice from therapists and other relationship experts, I reveal what helped us fix the issue for good. 

What is mental load? 

When we talk about mental load, we're not referring to doing the laundry or taking the bins out. These are examples of physical labour and they are tasks easily divided up between partners in a relationship. The mental load is "like being the conductor of an orchestra," says dating expert Jessica Alderson. "It looks effortless from the outside but there's a lot of work going on behind the scenes to make it appear this way."

In many cases, the partner carrying the mental load in a relationship is a woman. Traditional gender roles still exist in many heterosexual relationships, even if both partners work as "women are often expected to engage in more emotional labour than men," says Alderson, who is also the founder of personality-based dating app So Synced. "This includes listening, empathising, and providing emotional support to family members." 

On top of this, Dr Avigail Lev, a clinical psychologist based in California, says, “Studies have shown that women often take on a disproportionate share of household chores and caregiving responsibilities, increasing their mental load.” 

I have worked part-time since we had children, while my husband has always worked full-time. One of the reasons I haven’t been able to go back to full-time work is that it would be too much to manage everything our family needs if both of us were out of the house five days a week. It's a situation that's very common, says Sharin Shafer, co-founder of matchmaking firm Bond The Agency. “If women are over-stretched in their personal lives as carers, family organisers etc., it means they do not have the mental capacity to focus on a career and often resort to working part-time, working in less pressurised roles, or leaving the workforce completely to avoid stress, anxiety and burnout from work.”

I’ve found the mental burden of feeling like I have to remember everything all of the time exhausting and stressful. I lie awake at night with lists going around in my head or wake up remembering things and I have to make a note on my phone in case I forget in the morning. My husband also experiences sleep issues but they revolve more around work stress or other family problems we’ve experienced, instead of what he will perceive as less important issues, such as whether he’s RSVP’d to a party or replied to a WhatsApp message from a friend. I’d like my brain to work like that sometimes! While they might not be such integral issues, these small tasks quickly build up and they are what keeps the family moving day-to-day. 

Perhaps another reason why most of the mental load falls on women is that we are perceived to be "naturally better" at planning or multitasking than our male counterparts - but that's actually not the case. We are just expected to do it more so we eventually become better at it. "If men were performing the same behaviours, they would also feel the mental load effects of this," explains Dr Lev.

So, what can realistically be done to redistribute this mental load? Here's my experience and what the experts say. 

How to deal with mental load

1. Start talking

Clear communication is vital if you're looking to learn how to deal with mental load. "If you do not feel you and your partner are working as a team with common goals and a fair division of the familial and household responsibilities, this can result in relationship distress," says Shafer. "In fact, a [study linked to the University of Melbourne] showed that when there was a mismatch in couples’ housework,  there was much lower relationship satisfaction and this negatively impacted the stability of the relationship.”

She recommends finding a fixed time to talk about it all, without any distractions. If you keep your feelings bottled up, this just becomes another stress to deal with which will have an impact on your mental wellbeing. 

When approaching the topic, try to come at it from a collaborative point of view - rather than an accusatory one. As certified relationship specialist Kendra Capalbo says, “When discussing the topic with your partner, it is helpful to approach it from a perspective of ‘we’ rather than ‘I’. Instead of solely focusing on your own tasks and their lack of awareness, frame the conversation by acknowledging that there may be many things both of you are unaware of regarding each other’s contributions.”

Talking to my husband before I reach the point of being overwhelmed has been key to helping me deal with the mental load. We now make sure to sit down together and look at what's coming up in the week ahead and decide who will do what and when so I don't feel like I'm the one handling all of the logistics and planning.

2. Create strategies for dividing up labour

As the experts have said above, if your partner is unaware of the tasks you are doing then they won’t be able to help and that goes for physical labour tasks too. Nastassia Betcher, licensed feminist mental health therapist and coach, says, "Set clear boundaries and delegate responsibilities by requesting specific ownership of tasks like laundry, grocery shopping, or others that resonate with your situation. It may take your partner some time to become competent in these new areas, and mistakes might be made, such as forgetting the milk. However, through feedback and patience, they'll learn the ropes, and this collaborative approach can foster a more equitable distribution of the mental load.”

Ortega recommends using tech to help - like one of the best productivity planners online or productivity apps. This could be scheduling software, shared calendars, and shared to-do lists. If everything is written down for both parties to view whenever they need to, it can really reduce the strain on one person.

I have friends who schedule a Sunday night sit-down for 30 minutes to discuss what’s coming up that week, what needs to be organised, and who’s going to do what. This is something I think my husband and I could benefit from doing. It’s not just about who’s going to be where for work or for social events, but the added extras such as DIY which may need sorting or important things to remember. 

3. Don't let the resentment build

I know that when I’m tired, stressed, or dealing with emotional burnout with everything I need to remember, I can start to feel a bit angry. This can then explode into an argument, which is obviously not the best way of managing the issue.

Ali Ross, psychotherapist and spokesperson for the UK Council for Psychotherapy, says it’s easy to make assumptions about our partner, such as thinking they don’t care about something as much as you do or that they don’t think they should take on any of the burden themselves. Of course, this is rarely the case but it can cause resentment to build up. 

“A key problem is in the assumptions we hold about our partners, what they ‘should’ have picked up on, what they ‘should’ have done for us, without looking at what we might have contributed to the imbalance in the first place,” he says. 

Capalbo, who is also the founder of Esclusiva Couples Retreats, adds: “By giving each other the benefit of the doubt and assuming good intentions, you can prevent the emergence of resentment. This approach fosters a healthier and more balanced dynamic in the relationship.”

Again, it comes down to communication and talking to each other constantly about how we’re feeling, whether we feel overburdened and how to make things better.

4. Set out time for yourself

The mental load is named as such because so much of it takes place in our heads, so it can be hard to switch off and escape from it all. I'm a people pleaser and I worry about letting friends and family down, which means I'm often the person who books restaurants or organises meet-ups. Naturally, this means I’ve now become the go-to person for this which is nice as I know I’m trusted, but I need to be better at delegating.

To counteract this, I’m trying to give myself a break by actively taking time to do activities I enjoy and know are good for my mental and physical health - like exercising regularly and practising mindfulness. 

I've particularly found that low-impact exercises like yoga, swimming, and jogging tend to help me destress, learn how to sleep better and feel better mentally. I'm also trying to cut down on how much alcohol I drink to help with my sleep quality and avoid the hangovers, which I know make me less productive. 

5. Get external help

If push comes to shove and communication is starting to break down, it's worth bringing in a third-party perspective who can approach the situation from a totally neutral angle - like a life coach or therapist. 

A therapist may be able to offer some strategies to help you communicate better and a safe space for you to explain your feelings, without it turning into an argument. 

How to explain mental load to your partner

As the experts tell woman&home, communication is key - but opening up the conversation can be difficult. If you’ve never spoken properly about it, here are some tips on how to approach the topic of mental load in your relationship. 

• Choose the right time to talk: Instead of sending passive-aggressive messages to my husband over WhatsApp, I'll say "Let's chat when you're home" and leave him some time when he gets back to decompress first. It means we can talk properly when we're not distracted by work and we can have a useful conversation when we’re both ready and relaxed.
• Set concrete examples: Once you’re sat down together and feel ready to discuss it all, try not to let all of your feelings come out in an emotional, angry splurge. Give concrete examples of what you’re doing and why it’s making you feel overwhelmed. Marriage and family therapist Alicia Ortega recommends using phrases like "I feel a bit swamped with..." or "Could we divvy up these tasks?" to make your partner fully aware of what you're juggling exactly and understand how they can help you.
• Let them help you: I’m guilty of gatekeeping the household labour out of habit, which means my husband often doesn’t even get the opportunity to try helping. Dr Lev says: “The dynamics [of a relationship] can vary widely, and assertive communication, clear expectations, and equitable division of responsibilities can help mitigate the unequal burden of mental load.”
• Be patient with your partner - and yourself: If you’re used to doing most of the invisible labour, it can be hard to let go. Yes, your partner might not do everything the same way as you or to the same standard, but you’ve got to give them a chance. If you monitor, correct or criticize what they’re doing then this will put them off doing it again, which will be frustrating for everyone. And many things don’t need to be done urgently, so give them the time and space to do it.

Much like other forms of desire, our libido (otherwise known as our sex drive) ebbs and flows depending on what else is going on in our lives. While it can be worrying to realise that sex with your partner has lost its appeal, the experts assure us it's entirely possible to learn how to boost libido and bring the spark back into a long-term relationship.  

There are many reasons why our interest in sex can wane over the years, from short-term stressors like work and family commitments to hormonal changes and a loss of body confidence. For some who have an otherwise active sex life, these may just cause small blips and you could be back in the bedroom before you know it. But if you're noticing that your interest in sex has declined significantly - or even disappeared completely - over the years and you're not sure why, you could be dealing with a low libido. 

It's entirely possible to exist without sex in a happy relationship - if that's what you want - and many people learn how to be intimate without sex very easily. However, if you want to revive your sex life and bring physical intimacy back into your relationship, we have you covered. Here, woman&home speaks to a certified sexologist and psychologist to reveal how to boost libido, why it can wane, and the key signs of low libido to look out for. 

How to boost libido in long-term relationships

1. Start masturbating

While masturbation is seen as taboo by some people in relationships, with the idea that sex should be 'saved' for time together, it's one of the best ways to help women stay in touch with their bodies and hone their own pleasure. 

"As our bodies change, so too does our approach to pleasure," explains clinical sexologist Megwyn White. "Having a masturbation practice gives you an opportunity to test the waters of new erogenous zones and to experiment in ways you might not feel comfortable with a partner."

There are even studies to back up White's suggestion. Studies by many, including one by the University of Grenada, reveal that masturbation is great for fostering sexual desire in long-term relationships, with those who masturbate having significantly more orgasms, greater sexual desire, higher self-esteem, and greater satisfaction sexually and in the relationship, and required less time to become aroused.

"There are many reasons for this," explains White, who is also the director of education at Satisfyer. "Firstly, masturbation as a practice helps to strengthen a connection to erogenous pathways, while giving you an opportunity to explore your erotic imagination. Additionally, at a physiological level, masturbation can help to strengthen pelvic floor muscles while also stimulating blood flow to your genitals. That means that your clitoris, vulva, and vagina are more ready and available for sexual activity with a partner." 

If you're looking to learn how to boost libido during menopause, this is pretty essential. "It’s so important for women to continue to masturbate as they age to keep their sexual organs healthy and vital and also to unlock a better understanding of what turns them on so that they can share that information with their partner," she adds. "This not only helps in bridging the sexual divide between you and your partner, it helps to reawaken the mystery of desire that may have been dormant over time."  

2. Have some new experiences together

"Engaging in new or exciting activities can reignite the passion couples felt when they first began their relationship," says Dr Lisa Lawless, a clinical psychologist with expertise in relationships, couples counselling, and sexual health. 

"You could try a new hobby, take a trip or even attend a class together," says Lawless, who is also the CEO of Holistic Wisdom. "Creating a sense of novelty can produce those butterflies again. It's not about how lavish the date is though but the quality of time spent together." 

3. Adapt to your body's natural changes

As much as masturbation can help you learn how to spice things up in the bedroom, it's important to know that things might be changing totally outside of your control. Reaching the 40s means that, for some, the symptoms of menopause are on the horizon. 

When it comes to learning how to boost libido during this time, it's important to work with the changes rather than against them. For example, many people find that using lube works wonders as the drop in oestrogen levels can sometimes cause vaginal dryness, which can make sex uncomfortable - or even painful. It's a simple addition that makes a world of difference. 

"This is a normal part of life influenced by factors like hormones and metabolism shifts," says White. "It's important not to criticise yourself for these changes but instead to shift your focus to health and strength, rather than fixating on numbers." 

4. Focus on responsive desire

Most of us will be at least somewhat familiar with the feeling of spontaneous desire with our partners - when arousal comes in an instant. It feels intense and often overwhelming. It's that 'I have to have you now' feeling, and as White explains, "this type of desire is very common in the early stages of a relationship when things are fresh and new." 

However, she says, it's much more common for women to experience responsive desire, especially as the relationship continues. "This type of desire requires some type of physical touch to get the energy of desire flowing. It can come in the form of a sensual massage or even on a date in which you and your partner share a romantic meal. Responsive desire teaches us that it's not about being in the mood, it's about creating the conditions for eroticism to flow."

5. Re-establish intimacy in your relationship

The brain is known as the 'most powerful sexual organ' for a reason: our libido and our mental and emotional wellbeing are completely intertwined. So, if you're having problems in your relationship or aren't feeling content with your situation, you're unlikely going to want to have sex.

"Sometimes, because of the daily grind, we lose touch with our partners and forget how to touch one another intimately without sex," says Dr Lawless. "Often, couples who only touch one another when it comes to sex don't have as strong of physical intimacy as those who touch one another through simple acts of affection, such as holding hands, hugging, and playful touch that is not necessarily a precursor to sexual intercourse." 

So, instead of focusing on the physical, it might be time to focus on emotional intimacy. "Deep conversations, couples therapy, or even simply spending time together can pave the way for a heightened libido," she says. 

6. Try something new in the bedroom

When you feel ready to be sexual again with your partner, it's worth exploring new ideas and elements of your relationship you might not have considered before. For example, you might like to create a list of so-called 'bucket list' sex positions you want to try, to help each other discover new pleasure zones. 

For women struggling with their libido, this can be particularly beneficial. "It's especially important for a woman to have the clitoris stimulated, which is the most critical aspect of orgasm for most women and should never be trivialized. Some sexual positions encourage contact with a partner's pelvic bone or allow for manual stimulation on the head of the clitoris," says Dr Lawless.

"Sex toys such as clitoral vibrators and air pulse stimulators are an excellent way for couples to ensure that the clitoris is stimulated throughout sexual intercourse as well," she adds. "Bluetooth apps and remote-controlled vibrators allow them to be used hands-free, and there is the added benefit of sexual health through increased blood circulation."

Looking to invest and not sure where to begin? Take a look at our tried and tested reviews of the best sex toys. 

7. Take a look at your eating habits

The existence of aphrodisiacs is a hotly debated subject. Most recently, nootropics and adaptogens have been pushed into the mainstream and now, mushrooms are the new way to boost your sex drive. 

However, it is true that many types of food enhance brain functioning and overall health and improve circulation, all of which have a positive effect on sexual performance. "The circulatory system plays a vital role in sexual health by providing blood to the sexual organs," explains Dr Lawless. "Therefore, incorporating such foods into your diet may improve cognitive and sexual functioning." 

Some top-recommended foods to include are:

• Oysters: "Oysters, for example, have long been known to increase libido because these molluscs are rich in zinc," she says. "This is because zinc also plays a role in testosterone production, a hormone linked to sexual desire in any gender. However, zinc is also a mineral that plays a crucial role in brain function, specifically in learning, memory, and attention."
• Figs and dates: "Figs and dates also have a reputation as an aphrodisiac due to their high potassium levels (even higher than bananas). Potassium aids the circulatory system by regulating blood pressure and helping the brain learn, memorize, and other cognitive functions."
• Chocolate: "Dark chocolate is known for its romantic and aphrodisiac qualities as it improves blood flow, enhancing cognitive functioning and sexual performance," she says. "There are several compounds that may contribute to this effect, including caffeine, theobromine, and phenylethylamine."
• Avocados: "Avocados contain healthy fats and nutrients like vitamin E, which help improve brain function and reduce inflammation."
• Nuts: These are rich in omega-3 fatty acids, vitamin E, selenium, magnesium, and zinc.

8. Do some strength training

Strength training for women is a hugely underrated form of exercise for so many reasons. Whether you do classic strength training in the gym or opt for a lighter form of exercise, like Pilates for strength training, picking up some dumbbells could actually help you out in the bedroom. 

As White explains: "Strength training with weights can be an excellent way to support your body's changing needs. For example, ageing often brings a decline in muscle mass, affecting the metabolism and overall strength. Incorporating regular strength training can counteract this decline, improving your metabolism, bone density, and physical capabilities." 

But if lifting weights isn't for you, don't worry. "Exercise in general can help in boosting your libido, and if you really want to take it to the next level focus on exercises that encourage 'core stability' as this will help you to maintain the muscles that support orgasm." Yoga for beginners anyone?

Why is my libido so low?

Low libido is a common issue known to affect at least 26% of premenopausal women and over half (52%) of menopausal women, per research published in the Archives of Internal Medicine. While the causes vary from person to person, the main issues the experts agree often lead women to experience a waning sex drive include: hormonal changes during perimenopause and menopause, stress and fatigue related to responsibilities at home or work, relationship dynamics, communication issues, and changes in body image. 

But White says the most common relationship issues in the bedroom come from a positive force: good old familiarity. "As the initial excitement of a new relationship settles, the familiarity of a long-term partnership can sometimes lead to codependency, which can ultimately impact sexual motivation," she says. 

Dr Lawless agrees. "In the infatuation stage, often called the 'Honeymoon Period' of a relationship, adrenaline-like neurochemicals are released," she explains. "[Among these are] dopamine and norepinephrine, which make us feel good and stimulate the production of adrenaline. These chemicals, combined with hormonal changes, give us infatuation."

After this period of time, she says, the brain stops producing as many of these chemicals and builds a tolerance. "This is when most relationships begin to see an intensification of conflicts and a lower libido."

Signs of a low libido 

• You just don't want to have sex: This is perhaps the most obvious sign of low libido: a complete lack of interest in having sex with your partner, even if you're still heavily invested in the romantic element of the relationship. "You may find yourself less emotionally and physically responsive in the bedroom and this can often impact your self-esteem and intimacy with your partner," says White.
• You struggle to get physically aroused: While a splash of your best lube is useful in all sexual situations, if you find yourself almost unable to get physically aroused, Dr Lawless says you could be struggling. "When you find it harder to get physically aroused or feel emotionally distant during intimate moments, even with adequate stimulation, it indicates low libido," she says.
• Thinking less and less about sex: "As we get older and our bodies change our priorities can change along with it," explains White. "You may find yourself more focused on your career and your family over what’s happening or not happening in the bedroom. It’s important to pay attention to what your priorities are, and when you might be ignoring connection with your partner."
• You don't feel turned on like you used to: "You may find that what once turned you on doesn’t anymore. This is often not related to our partners but more related to the fact that our bodies and minds are changing and may simply require a different approach," says White.
• You have fewer sexual fantasies: "This is incredibly common in long-term relationships," explains White. "You may have once had a vital and active erotic imagination, especially at the early stages of your relationship or when you were single and dating. It's important to re-explore this erotic imagination via literature, novels, and audio erotica."
• You feel tired all the time: It's no secret that our bodies slow down as we age. Our sleep patterns and energy levels are often one of the first things to age, and this can negatively impact our libidos, explains White. "This is again why it's important to stay physically active, as it will naturally keep the blood flowing to all the right places."

Does a low libido mean the end of a relationship?

Not at all, sex doesn't have to be important in a relationship if you don't want it to be. As Dr Lawless says, "Happiness is not based on whether or not you have sex and couples who don't have it often or at all may still feel satisfied in their relationship and have physical intimacy." 

However, what is important is agreement. "If both partners are content and satisfied with their sex lives in whatever form and frequency it manifests, it can be considered healthy. When it leads to dissatisfaction or emotional pain, partners should explore ways to improve their situation."

She continues, "What is most important for couples is their sense of intimacy and connection. Every partnership is unique, and as long as things in the relationship are consensual and do not cause harm, it is not about what is good or bad but what is suitable for the couple."

Want to learn how to revive your sex life? You're certainly not the only one. There are so many joys to be had in a long-term relationship but research does show that (without intervention) our sex lives tend to dwindle as we get older.

It could be the stress of day-to-day life, other responsibilities getting in the way, losing the 'spark' in the relationship, or physical issues. Whatever the reason, it's likely the same problem faced by millions of others around the world at least.

"I spend a lot of my time reassuring clients that these feelings are completely normal,” says Denise Knowles, a couples counsellor and psychosexual therapist with the charity Relate. “In a long-term relationship, it’s no surprise that we slip into routines around domesticity but also our sex lives.”

The good news is, it's entirely possible to get back into a good flow of having better sex and more of it. Whether you're looking to just re-establish more intimacy in your life or you want to know how to spice up your relationship again and get the spark back, we've got you covered. Here, woman&home speaks to a handful of certified life coaches, therapists, and others on how to revive your sex life regardless of how long you've been together. 

How to revive your sex life 

1. Find the best way to communicate for you

People show love in five main ways: with gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of devotion and quality time, says Ben Edwards, a certified life coach, self-confidence expert, and relationship coach. This is otherwise known as your love language and it can help you understand how you like to both give and receive love and how your partner would like to as well. 

"Think about what makes you feel loved," he suggests. "For some people, sex and physical intimacy generally will be more important to them than to others as they desire and feel loved through physical touch. Others would prefer their partner prioritizes them in life, spending time with them. Find your love language and communicate it to your partner."

2. Start off with small gestures

If you haven't had sex in a few months or years, it's a good idea to start slow. By bringing up the subject with your partner, you're opening the first door. The second door is small gestures of romantic affection or physical intimacy to reintroduce a sense of connectedness without pressure. 

"When our intimate relationship has gone off the boil, we may withdraw completely from physical contact because we fear it creates an expectation of sex," says Knowles. "It doesn't have to be this way though and you can even tell your partner that there's no expectation of sex if you think they feel nervous about the prospect. Instead, try and introduce smaller acts of intimacy into your lives again, such as holding hands, kissing on the lips instead of pecking on the cheek, cuddling on the sofa, and so on."

3. Talk about sex

There's communication about your wants and needs in life generally - then there's actually talking about sex. It can be difficult to address the issue head-on but it's important if you want to learn how to revive your sex life and boost your libido. 

"Be brave and talk the talk," says Edwards. "The point is not to lay blame but to begin a discussion. If that's difficult, you may want to consider seeing a therapist who can help you navigate the conversation." 

For example, you may figure out that it's not important to have sex for one of you while it's still very much something the other partner wants. Or, you may find you're still very much sexually compatible, but just missing the spark. 

"When you do sit down to talk, listen to what’s really being said," he suggests. "We can often jump ahead and think we know what our partner is saying, or misinterpret their message, then resentment and misunderstandings can fester." 

4. Rediscover the power of self-love

If you want to learn how to revive your sex life with your partner, you may also need to relearn what you actually like in the bedroom. Our wants and turn-ons change over the years just as we do, so the key to having better sex and more of it is to understand exactly what you want. 

"Our tastes in food, wine and holiday destinations change as we get older, so it’s no surprise that we may want to try different ways of enjoying intimacy, too,” says Emily Power Smith, a clinical sexologist who provides sex-positive education, coaching and therapy. "Sit down by yourself and think about the sexual moments of the past you've enjoyed and whether they'd work for you now. And if not, what you might like to try instead."

While some might see it as a selfish activity in a relationship, that's far from the truth. "Knowing how to please yourself isn't selfish, it's essential. You deserve pleasure as much as your partner," says Smith. "It'll also make you more responsive to your partner, proactive in the bedroom, and you'll be able to point them in the right direction."

Research [from the University of Grenada] also shows that women who masturbate regularly have a higher libido than those who don't, meaning you may be more likely to want to have sex with your partner if you experience self-pleasure more regularly. 

To get started, you might like to pick up one of the best sex books and read female masturbation tips. Or if you're looking to explore something new, take a look at our guide on choosing the best vibrator.

5. Look backwards to move forwards

Once you've thought about what previous sexual activity you enjoyed with your partner, share your thoughts with them. And think about what other things have been missing from your relationship recently that you once had and want to bring back, or new elements you'd like to reintroduce. 

"The passion doesn’t have to fade in long-term relationships but it can become buried," says Ben. "Look back to the early days of your relationship, the first few years. What attracted you to each other? What activities did you enjoy together? In the first flush of romance, we dress up for our partner, treat them with love and respect, and do kind things for them ‘just because’, with no expectation of return. Try putting some of that energy back into your relationship." 

While it may be one-sided at first, he warns, simply getting off the sofa to kiss your partner hello when they walk in the door shows you're glad to see them and it can make all the difference.

6. Put a date in the diary

When the time comes and you're ready to actually have sex again, commit to a time together. So often, the reason why sex lives fall by the wayside is busyness and "not having the time" or feeling too worn out from the day. 

If you know you're going to be having sex later on that morning, afternoon, or evening, you're better able to prepare yourself and perhaps change your plans to make it work. If you want to revive your sex life, something's got to change.

"Committing to a time together shows you're not ready to let your relationship drift and you want to reawaken the sense of excitement in the relationship," says Edwards. "This can be hugely reassuring to your partner, boosting their confidence in the situation as well, as they see how eager you are for it to happen."

The life coach and relationship expert suggests a date night, for starters. "It can be an excellent way to get your sexual mojo back," he says. "When you've both taken care to dress up and prepare for your date, it sends a signal to your partner that you want to attract them, a great way to reboot your love life." 

7. Accept that sex changes as you get older

Our bodies change a lot over the years and, needless to say, this can have a big impact on our sex lives and libido. 

That's why it's so important to know what you like in the bedroom now, says Courtney Boyer, a certified sex and relationship coach. "Menopause can trigger a lot of changes in a woman's body. It's helpful to consider how your body responds to different pressures, intensities, and stimulation," she explains. "One of the most important changes to be aware of is vaginal lubrication. During and after menopause, this decreases significantly, so arm yourself with some water-based lube. Wetter the better is my philosophy."

Smith agrees. "Knowing your body might have changed from the last time you were having regular sex is really important. It's completely natural," she says. "Hormonal changes can cause vaginal dryness as we get older and the lack of lubrication can make penetrative sex more painful. A lubricant can really help but choose a chemical and sugar-free product that won’t irritate sore spots or cause thrush."

For further advice and tips on what else to look out for in a good lubricant, take a look at our guide on the best lubes.

8. Think outside the box

Sticking to the best sex positions may be what works best for you and your partner as you're learning how to revive your sex life. After all, they're called 'the best' for a reason. 

Positions like the closed missionary sex position, the prone bone sex position, and the flying eagle sex position may sound a little out there, but we promise they are winners for so many reasons.

However, if you've been having sex on and off for the past few decades and it's all just getting a little dull, you might prefer to be learning how to spice things up in the bedroom. If that's the case, Boyer says now's the time to give yourself permission to think outside the box.

"Consider some non-conventional approaches to pleasure like tantric sex, BDSM, or group play. Opportunities like visiting a clothes-free sauna or a nude beach, for instance," she suggests. "These adventures may not be your cup of tea but the experience of sharing it together can bring shared joy and increase intimacy. Remember, you never know if you like something until you try it."

9. Allow tension to build

In the lead-up to having sex again, you'll want to build all that good tension between the two of you. Our brains actually experience substantial pleasure in the anticipatory period before something happens. The stomach butterflies, side glances, knowing looks - all that builds up suspense for release in the moment. 

So, take your time in the lead-up to having sex again. Without putting pressure on each other to reach a certain point, focus on foreplay and each other's turn-ons. You could play one of the best sex games for couples, given that many of them focus on these elements.

For example, Boyer says, "Utilise your senses, most people only focus on the touch part of sex but there are at least four more senses that are worthy of being explored. Set a rule that the next sex session has to incorporate a different sense."

That could be playing music that will get you in the mood, focusing on the sounds your partner makes as you give them pleasure, listen to the pace of their breathing. "Tune into the sounds you make as well and give yourself permission to be loud," she urges. "And then the next time, choose a different sense to focus on."

How to talk to your partner about having sex again

• Take the time to sit down together: If this is the first time you're addressing the topic of reviving your sex life with your partner, organise a time when the two of you can sit down and talk about it without distractions or interruptions. It's a perfect opportunity for a date night as well.
• Focus on the future: Instead of delving into all the reasons why your sex life dwindled, focus on the positives of the future and what you want the dynamic to be going forward. If you're clear about this, they should respond with equal honesty.
• Be honest: That being said, if there is a particular reason why you haven't wanted to have sex recently, it's important to be honest about that. As Edwards says, a licensed sex therapist or relationship counsellor would be a good way forward to bring these topics to light in a healthy way.
• Listen: Addressing a topic like this may be a little overwhelming for your partner if it's come out of the blue. Make sure you listen to their thoughts, feelings, and ideas around the subject as well as offering your own.
• Keep talking: What we want changes all the time, that's just an element of life. And of course, it's the same when it comes to our romantic and sexual wants. Once you've opened up the door to communicating, don't let it close again.

It was while sitting on a beach with six of my oldest girlfriends that I first heard about breadcrumbing in dating and relationships. As a mum, my first thought was that it was something to do with bribing a child or pet to do something. But, while the friend who was talking does have a dog, she is currently single and doesn’t have any children so I soon realised it was something to do with dating. 

She explained that breadcrumbing is when one person will engage in flirty but sporadic communication, typically via social media or WhatsApp, but then fail to commit to anything further. It sounded very frustrating to me and like hurtful behaviour, so I decided to do a bit more digging into how common it is and why people do it. 

Life only seems to get busier and become more of a juggle as we get older, so dating apps for relationships have inevitably become the easiest way of getting to know new people before meeting them in real life. But, as we all know, the digital version of a person may not be a true representation of who they are in the real world. A breadcrumber might be full of compliments and seem keen on making plans but then fail to respond to you for days, or even weeks, at a time. 

Anna Williamson, dating expert and relationship coach, says the term 'breadcrumbing’ comes from the fairy tale Hansel and Gretel “where ‘breadcrumbs’ have been left out in hope that someone will follow them, thinking they’re in for something entirely different to what is reality”. Needless to say, the impact of this toxic relationship behaviour can be upsetting and damaging if the person on the receiving end is sharing intimate feelings and expecting a meaningful partnership.

What are the signs of breadcrumbing in relationships?

As well as getting in touch little and often to keep you hanging on, “a lack of substance in communication” is another key sign of breadcrumbing behaviour, says Williamson, who is also the founder of the Relationship Place. “Often, conversations will be one-sided in the sense that the one who is being ‘breadcrumbed’ is asking meaningful questions and having good intentions around wanting to date that person, while the ‘breadcrumber’ is being evasive, elusive or unresponsive,” she explains.

While breadcrumbing can happen in the real world, it's likely to happen more over the phone and in any digital exchanges. Online dating expert Jessica Alderson says, "Breadcrumbing might include sporadic text messages, liking social media posts every now and then, or having brief conversations that stay at a superficial level. They might throw out a few compliments or tell someone they miss them, then not reply to messages for days."

It’s easy to see why being on the receiving end of this type of behaviour could really knock your confidence and make you feel insignificant, or like you’re being strung along. Most people would start to consider moving on at this point, but this is when the breadcrumber throws the metaphorical 'breadcrumb' to lure you back in.

“They may reach out if they are feeling lonely or need validation or pop up when you distance yourself from them or start to lose interest,” says Alderson, who also co-founded the dating app So Syncd. 

But what does breadcrumbing in relationships really feel like? Here, woman&home speaks to women who’ve been breadcrumbed to reveal what it's really about and the other tell-tale signs to look for. 

"I feel like every guy I date at the moment is breadcrumbing me"

Rachel, 41 and from London, tells me she has found breadcrumbing to be a typical pattern of behaviour among the men she speaks to on dating apps, and in some cases, it continues even after they’ve met face-to-face. For her breadcrumbing is: “A lot of flirting that doesn't lead to much, only interested in sex, consistently mysterious and busy, sending mixed messages and becoming more interested as you withdraw.”

It seems to be a particular issue at the moment, she tells me, and part of the problem of getting to know people online. "One guy literally just messages on the day to say 'you around?' or sends me a meme now and then as a sign of interest but nothing more. Another guy says ‘Hi, how are you? What are your plans for the week? This is something funny I saw and thought of you…’ but it’s like a message every 12 hours, so the bounce off and spontaneity isn't there.” 

It's a pattern of behaviour that others describe as key to causing dating burnout, with a lack of commitment from one person and most - if not all - of the effort coming from one side of the message exchange. 

Rachel says she doesn’t immediately feel resentful about being treated this way. “At the beginning, it feels okay, I actually get a bit suspicious when someone is into me too quickly.” But if things don’t change after a few dates then that’s when the alarm bells go off. “You do question yourself and why don't they like you enough? And what could you have done differently? In fact, it’s normally because they are not in a place to commit and they want all the fun stuff of a relationship i.e. the attention, the sex, the banter but none of the commitment and sacrifice and teamwork.” 

"It made me feel insignificant, needy and, at times, desperate"

Annie, who is 50, says she was breadcrumbed by someone she reconnected with on social media a few years ago. At the beginning she says it was “very intense and full-on, talking and messaging multiple times a day” and they would make plans to meet. Annie says she booked time off work and organised restaurants to meet at but when the time came to see each other, he would go quiet. “Two weeks later a profuse apology. An injury at work, mental health in a bad place, he felt pressured and so on. I explained the inconvenience and cost and said all he had to do was communicate and it would not have been a problem,” she says. 

Annie says this pattern went on for two years with apologies and other gestures to keep her hanging on, but she finally felt she had been let down one too many times. Reflecting on how she was treated and the red flags she went through, she says, “It has made me feel insignificant, needy and at times desperate. Massively doubting my self-worth. There's no dignity in that.”

When I ask her why she thought this man behaved this way Annie answers, “ [He was] massively unhappy in himself. Insecure and felt unworthy of being loved. Had made a mess elsewhere in his life and I was the collateral damage.” 

"When I suggested meeting up suddenly he was busy"

Sarah Becker, who is 52 and from Northampton, says she was in contact with a man who was texting her intermittently. “We had a lot of jokes but when I suggested meeting up suddenly he was busy.”

Sarah says this behaviour went on for a few weeks but the man didn’t seem to have any interest in meeting up or even speaking over the phone. “It made me feel frustrated as I just wanted to meet up and talk in person and he clearly didn't, although he was happy to [speak] over text.”

Sarah says she thought he was interested in a booty call (a meet-up for sex alone) but, in reality, she was never convinced he would have gone through with it. 

"The explanations seemed genuine at first but they never stopped"

While breadcrumbing is a damaging trend that's probably always been there, much like so-called 'winter coating' or 'zombieing', the total switch to tech-first dating during the Covid-19 pandemic has naturally made the situation a lot worse. 

Jenny, 42, says she was breadcrumbed by a man she met on a dating app during one of the lockdowns. “We ended up chatting every day and arranged to meet after lockdown, so a month or two later. But as soon as the restrictions were lifted he kept cancelling our dates last minute with all kinds of excuses, from still being scared of Covid, to a friend who had just become a dad wanting him to come visit and take some family pictures (he was a photographer), to travelling over to Ireland to see his family. The explanations seemed genuine at first but they never stopped.” 

She says she was understanding at first but soon started doubting everything he had ever told her. Even though she was frustrated, Jenny says she still agreed to the dates he kept proposing - but six months after they’d matched and started chatting, they still hadn’t met in real life.

“I told him to stop messaging me if he never intended to actually meet up - and he did,” Jenny says. She believes the man she was talking to was just looking for some “entertainment on the side” and may not have even been single. 

How to deal with breadcrumbing

• Recognize it's time to move on: "You may feel like you have time invested in this ‘relationship’ and be reluctant to let it go. That's something that they are counting on. So move on and find someone who respects you, your time, and your dating goals," says confidence coach Fiona Eckersley.
• Be honest with them: This is where you need to work out your deal breakers in relationships. "Try to be assertive and clear about your needs," says Avigail Lev, a clinical psychologist based in California. "Communicate openly and honestly with the person, expressing your expectations for consistency and genuine effort in a relationship."
• Set boundaries: "Breadcrumbing is rarely done with the intent to harm someone, but it's selfish behaviour nonetheless," says Alderson. "It benefits the breadcrumber in the sense that they are prioritizing keeping someone around as an option over the other person's emotional wellbeing. That's why it's so important to set boundaries that enable you to move on if the breadcrumbing persists. The breadcrumber isn't going to do it for you.”
• Draw a line under the relationship: Once you've decided the relationship is over and that breadcrumbing is not a behaviour you want to encourage, it's time to block, unfollow, and delete. Whether that's their phone number, WhatsApp chat, Instagram or Tinder profile, draw a line under the relationship.

We may think we're unique in our relationship issues, but counselors agree that there are more often similarities across partnerships than not, regardless of the situation. After all, most long-term relationships bring so many benefits, like love, stability, increased intimacy, and personal growth, but there can still be problems.

And that's perfectly normal - maintaining a relationship takes work. It’s common for people who’ve been together a while to talk about ‘losing the spark’ and the exciting 'newness' of it wearing off. Couples may feel like they’ve fallen into a routine and while they still love each other, things can feel stale.

Christina Roberson, author and certified life coach, says, “We often assume that our partner is growing with us but that is not always the case. There may be one person who hasn’t changed since day one and another who feels as if they have evolved into three different people in the course of 20 years.” 

A lack of communication about these feelings can obviously lead to other issues such as resentment, lack of trust, and emotional distance. If these issues aren’t dealt with properly and openly, there’s a risk your relationship could start to break down. Here, woman&home asks the experts to reveal the most common relationship issues - from signs of a toxic relationship to how to stop being codependent and how to revive romance in your partnership - and what can be done to fix the problems. 

Relationship issues

1. A lack of communication

We’ll start off with the most common of all the relationship issues the counselors spoke about, and the one which can lead to many of the others we outline here: communication. Communication is the key to any relationship, whether it’s professional, personal, platonic, or romantic. If the parties involved aren’t open with each other about their expectations, hopes, and worries, resentment can build up. This can lead to even less communication and then the problems can really start to worsen. 

It's often an issue in longer-term romantic relationships, explains psychologist Margot Zwiefka because "people expect their partners to be mind readers and they haven't been taught how to healthily communicate their feelings or boundaries." They also may presume they know their partner inside and out and don't have to communicate explicitly. 

How to solve it: Zwiefka, who works with Joy Club, says, “It’s important that you figure out what your partner expects from a healthy relationship, what makes them happy, and how you can both work to make the relationship dynamic satisfying for both sides. This will probably require negotiation. That’s something you have to be open to as relationships will always evolve.”

2. A lack of intimacy

As we get older, life gets in the way and intimacy can get pushed down the priority list. This doesn't have to just mean sex - but it often does, says certified sex therapist Lyndsey Murray. Otherwise known as desire discrepancy, she explains it's a common issue in relationships. 

“This is when two partners have different levels of sexual desire that are causing distress in the relationship. One partner wants to have sex at a higher degree than the other and it causes frustration for both partners. Usually, when I see this, the partner with the lower libido feels pressure to have sex and the partner with the higher libido feels unwanted,” she says.

How to solve it: "Dig deeper at what sex really means for each person, and figure out how to build intimate moments from step one that are not just about sex," she says. "A lot of the time, it can feel like ‘We need to have sex X times per week’ when really, what a couple needs is to feel sensual and intimate with their partner. There are ways to be intimate without sex as well to build up more opportunity for sexual moments in the future.”

3. Individual growth

"Balancing individual growth and maintaining a sense of personal identity within a partnership can be challenging," agrees Melissa Stone, a clinical health psychologist and relationship expert. "Differences in personal goals, interests, or desires can create tension if they're not properly addressed."

How to solve it: Regardless of where you sit in the relationship, whether it's you or your partner who feels they're lacking or achieving individual growth, Stone suggests creating a supportive environment for both of you to come together. "Create a space for your partner to feel prioritized and included in your life and growth. Learn how to be confident again in your relationship and in yourself. Celebrate your partner's personal achievements and goals. This is also important to bring you closer together and build your intimacy." 

4. Emotional distance

If communication has broken down in your relationship, it might also be the case that you’re shutting off from sharing your feelings with your partner. This emotional distance can create challenges in identifying, expressing, and meeting each other’s needs. 

How to solve it: Identifying there is a distance there is the first step. Then, decide what you want to do about it. If you want the relationship to continue, then it's important to open up the conversation. Check in with each other regularly to avoid miscommunication and make sure you understand how each other is feeling. Share things that make you feel emotionally connected, whether that is physical touch, quality time, or words of affirmation - otherwise known as the love languages. 

5. Boredom

Another common issue the counselors see in relationships is boredom. "When we feel like we know our partners inside and out, we begin to make assumptions," says Zwiefka. "It's incredibly common for couples to fall into daily habits which might have worked when the relationship started, but their circumstances and/or needs have changed.” 

The boredom could relate to any part of the relationship - from day-to-day life to sexual intimacy. This can then become dangerous territory if one party starts to look elsewhere to fulfill their needs or add a little excitement. 

How to solve it: “It’s important that we maintain a sense of curiosity about the other person, consistently doing new things both sexually and in other areas of our lives. You must be open to learning something new about your partner every day," Zwiefka says. For tips, see our guide on how to spice up your relationship. 

"It’s also important that you’re able to adapt and change routines that are no longer serving either partner. You must create a safe space so you both feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings and never be afraid to seek external support," she says. 

6. A lack of fun

Boredom and a lack of fun in the relationship are very similar problems - but here, we're not referring to fun in the bedroom. Having a partner you can laugh with, someone who can distract you and lift your mood when life gets too much is really important. 

It’s easy for the work-life balance to feel overwhelming. You might have fun with your children or friend but forget to have fun together as a couple, which can lead to further issues such as complacency, a negative routine, and a lack of intimacy.

How to solve it: Intimacy coach Jeni Simas advises her clients to commit to one shared activity per week. "Spending time together, out of the house and away from household chores or childcare, is a great way of reconnecting and remembering why you got together in the first place," she says. 

While spending time with your partner, if you learn that you don't have fun together anymore and you're struggling to understand what you have in common these days, it could be one of the signs your relationship is over.

7. Conflict

Conflict is another very common relationship issue and while it can manifest in arguments, it doesn't always look like this. If the communication channels in your relationship have broken down, it can lead to a build-up of resentment and hurt feelings. If these issues aren’t addressed, they become compounded and end up erupting in the form of an argument.

"I see couples going to either extreme, where they will do anything to never upset their partner even when it’s at their own expense or couples who have self-identified to the point where they are uncomfortable if their partner is even the slightest bit different from them,” Murray says.

Naturally, if your partnership is new and you're constantly arguing, this is one of the biggest red flags in a relationship and a key relationship issue to iron out. 

How to solve it: In some relationships, conflict can be beneficial because it means grievances are being aired. If it’s handled in a healthy way, it can lead to a better understanding of what both parties want or don’t want from the relationship. Conflict doesn't have to mean the relationship is ending.

Murray says, “I like to let every couple know that if they can face their differences, manage it well, and respect and understand each other through the conflict, they’d be amazed at how connected they can get on the other side of their conflicts.” However, if the conflict is toxic, and there is mental or physical abuse involved, then you should seek help straight away. 

8. Resentment

Divorce attorney Laura Wasser explains that as we grow older together, it’s easy for resentment to rear its head in relationships. It's an issue she sees a lot with her clients. 

While the resentment could be linked to various other issues, she says a common reason is that our partner may not be living up to the role we had imagined for them. “Long-term couples often face challenges stemming from this very expectation gap," she explains. "The person you met decades ago has grown and changed, just as you have. Embracing those changes and learning to love the person your partner has become, not the one you remember, can be a significant hurdle."

How to solve it: This is where communication is important, the experts agree, and it's vital if you want to learn how to be happy in a relationship again. Try to respect your partner’s point of view and listen to them, the experts suggest, and work on solutions together rather than playing the blame game.

9. Jealously

Jealousy is an issue that goes alongside resentment in this list, the experts say. It may be that there’s jealousy around how your partner’s career has taken off while yours might have stalled, or it could be jealousy over your partner’s other relationships, whether that's with your children, their friends, or their family. If left to fester and grow, envy can lead to emotional distance and conflict, which are more complicated issues to resolve. 

How to solve it: Talk to each other. It might be that your partner has no idea how you feel and if you help them understand your feelings, you can ease the jealousy. You might be able to work on a plan to ease the tensions and they may be able to give you the space you need to work on those other relationships, for example. 

10. A shift in the family dynamic

Relationship and sex therapist Georgina Vass says that changes in the family dynamic can cause additional stress in a relationship. This stress may come from a recent bereavement, divorce elsewhere in the family, conflict over disciplining children, or children leaving home for the first time. It could also come from positive sources, like a new addition to the family. 

As Vass says, "There may be varying values around parenting and the role of families, a shift in identity, general unfamiliarity with other parts of life, or a lack of skills or familiarity in caring for children."

If you've spent a long time looking after your children, an elderly relative, or dealing with other stressful situations within the family dynamic and the focus has moved away from your relationship, this can cause issues for other reasons. Once your children have moved out of the family home, for instance, you might find you've lost a sense of who you were as a duo. 

How to solve it: Communication is key, of course, when you’re going through this huge change to your partnership. Tell your partner what you need help with. It could be that you're struggling to sleep, dealing with anxiety, or even loneliness, and ask them what kind of support they need too as they could be experiencing similar feelings.

11. Financial worries

Counselor Janice Gaunt says one of the most common issues she sees among couples she works with involves money stress. “How much to spend or save, where and how we should spend the money, and who gets the final say regarding money” are particular issues, she notes. 

Money conversations can be uncomfortable, but this can be especially tricky if there’s a disparity between how much each person earns, or spends. A lack of discussion about financial plans and expectations can cause conflict and, naturally, if you fall into debt this is a hugely stressful issue for a couple to cope with. 

How to solve it: If you believe the issue is starting to spiral out of your control, with more serious problems like bankruptcy on the horizon, seek professional financial help either individually or as a pair. 

12. Infidelity

Many of the issues outlined in this article, such as resentment and lack of communication, can lead to infidelity. Sexual desire and other needs can change over time and there may be an imbalance between the pair of you. If you don’t speak to each other about what you want or don’t want, this can lead to one of you seeking it elsewhere. 

"When couples have been together for a long time, they can become complacent. This can sometimes lead to feelings of disconnection, which can lead to even larger problems, such as infidelity. It's important to intentionally keep the spark alive in your relationship," says Kendra Capalbo, a certified relationship therapist. "In the beginning, we're eager to show our partner how much we care about them and we put in a great deal of effort to make them feel special and loved. But then over time, we sometimes stop doing that - and that's a mistake."

How to solve it: Cheating on your partner, or being cheated on, can be hard to recover from as a couple - although not impossible. The trust has been broken and there can be a feeling of shame and betrayal, so Capalbo recommends couples therapy in the first instance to talk about why the cheating happened and whether you can move on from it. 

13. Trust issues

A loss or lack of trust is a clear consequence of infidelity and some of the other issues outlined above. In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr John Gottman writes: “Although you may feel your situation is unique, we have found that all marital conflicts fall into two categories: Either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be part of your lives forever, in some form or another.”

The wider theory is that there are everlasting problems and solvable problems in relationships. It might be that trust has been lost through cheating or another kind of betrayal and you'll stay together as a couple, but the issue could always be there in the back of your minds. Or the trust can't be regained, and that relationship is over.

Dr Gottman says trust is needed so that a “person knows that his or her partner acts and thinks to maximize that person’s best interests and benefits, not just the partner’s own interests and benefits. In other words, this means, ‘my partner has my back and is there for me’.”

How to solve it: Couples therapy could be a good option if you're looking to learn how to build trust in a relationship again. It might be that you need a professional to give you tools to regain faith in your partner, remember why you trusted them in the first place, and build some positivity into your relationship again. 

14. Different life goals

If you and your partner plan to commit to each other for the long term or have already been together for a long time, you will need to have some serious conversations about how you see your future. From what you want in your career to where you're going to live in retirement, if you're not on the same page about these plans or able to support one another then this is bound to be one of the biggest relationship issues for you.

How to solve it: Ideally, conversations around big topics like these will have happened when you first got together. But you can't turn back the clock and there's every chance you could still be having the problem now, even if you had discussed it. The key thing is to be open and honest about what you want from life and what's non-negotiable for you, says Capalbo. If one person is compromising on their wishes, this can create a build-up of resentment. 

15. Health issues

As we get older, the likelihood of illness or other health problems rearing their head grows. This can cause challenges for relationships as it can be very physically and mentally draining for everyone involved. Plus, of course, it’s horribly worrying. While this hopefully isn’t an issue that will cause the breakdown of your relationship, it might lead to stress, caregiver burnout, and other common issues on this list.

If your partner is mentally ill, dealing with the symptoms of depression or anxiety, they may be pushing you away or their behavior may put serious emotional stress on your relationship as well. 

How to solve it: There's no one solution, considering that every health issue will require a different response. For example, there are ways to learn how to support someone with depression but it won't be possible for everyone, depending on individual circumstances and support networks. 

Seek professional help and support one another. You may both need therapy if you have been through a health scare, such as a cancer diagnosis or mental health struggles. You may also need support from your friends and family, so try to be open with them about how you are feeling and what you’re going through. 

16. Toxicity

Psychology expert Dr Lilian Glass defines a toxic relationship as “any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness”. 

It’s normal to have differences of opinion or to exchange harsh words with your partner from time to time. A toxic relationship is different: if your wellbeing is being negatively affected, whether emotionally, physically, or financially, then this is a sign your relationship has become toxic.

How to solve it: Toxic relationships don't come out of the blue, they can sometimes develop after years of unrealized expectations, resentment, jealousy, or boundaries being ignored. Unfortunately, this often means things have gone too far to come back from. As relationship expert and attorney Laura Wasser says, a relationship is done when it "causes more pain than joy, consistently, and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel." 

She says, "Perhaps you've tried therapy, had endless discussions, taken breaks, and nothing seems to have brought back the love and respect that once was. That might be a sign that it's time to let go.”

Do you all relationships have issues?

Yes, there is no such thing as a ‘perfect’ relationship. Whether it's a monogamous relationship spanning decades or a rebound relationship after divorce, everyone in a couple will find themselves facing issues at some point. The longer you’ve been together, the more likely this is to happen but the key to moving forward will be how you manage the challenges and hurdles. 

"Relationships involve two or more individuals with different perspectives and expectations, which can lead to occasional friction or tension. However, the frequency and nature of the issues can vary greatly from relationship to relationship," says clinical health psychologist Stone. "It's important to remember that how couples or individuals address and navigate these issues is what ultimately contributes to the health and longevity of the relationship." 

But many of the experts, including attorney Wasser who deals with couples going through divorce, believe it's possible to resolve almost all relationship issues. "Some problems may seem enormous, like chronic infidelity or a complete breakdown in communication. But I firmly believe that with commitment, understanding, and often professional help, these obstacles can be overcome. It's more about the willingness of both parties to put in the work,” she says. 

When is it time to end the relationship? 

With that in mind though, there are some clear signs that it's time to end a relationship. Among these include hard boundaries like physical, verbal, and/or sexual abuse. If your relationship has become abusive in any way, it's time to get out, and if there's toxicity present that's bringing down your confidence and self-esteem, it may be a sign that the relationship should end. 

But everyone will have different ideas about when a relationship is over, given that we all lead our romantic lives differently. For some people, infidelity will be the line that can't be crossed while, for others, it will be a breakdown in communication or a resistance to change. It’s how you avoid these issues getting to this stage that matters the most. 

If you have experienced or are experiencing domestic abuse, it's important to reach out for help. Find support at The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1.800.799.SAFE or text START to 88788). If you're in the UK, contact Refuge on the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247).