This is no help to you at all but - halfway through your post, I cried. Maybe because I've been there (or somewhere like it) and when there are no clues - it's unbelievable, isn't it? We think: what did I do wrong? what did I miss? what's been happening that I've mis-read?
Please don't think YOU could have done anything differently, whatever else you think. We always blame ourselves and that's not the point. You will probably never understand what happened but eventually, you'll come to some understanding that it was HIM; that there were things you didn't know, didn't comprehend, about HIM - and that you could have done nothing else but trust him (until now).
And meanwhile, see your counsellor and cry; and keep your chin up in public because, when things go so badly, we can reward and praise ourselves, at the end of our day, by saying "No matter how bad things got, I <took care of business>"
If you can find it, a book I have loaned to so many friends is "Women and the Blues" . . . I know it's out of print, but try book-search sites, or even Amazon for second-hand copies. Would loan you MY tattered old copy, if I could. Love and some more tears Toffeekit
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given up on my Alter Ego - this is reality
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