Hi, I can only sympathise I was a stepdaughter myself, I have been divorced twice and two of my children are step children and I have also been a stepmother to two different families but the relationships broke up and sadly I no longer have any contact with my three step daughters. So possibly I have seen all sides.
Being a step parent or a step child is like being permanently trapped in an episode of Wife Swap or on a French Exchange but you can't go home after only two weeks. Linked to that unlike Wife Swap there is guilt and blame on all sides particularly if the stepchildren blame the step parent for the break up. Even worse if the children like you, perhaps because you are an all round more competent person than their own mother then they can feel guilty.
There are three things to keep in mind the first is that the children, no matter how bad their conduct is are blameless. They did not ask for you to come into their lives nor did they ask for all of the possible pain, bewilderment, hurt, grief, embarrassment, financial hardship and discomfort that the break up of their parents has caused them. Even if you were blameless in relationship to their parents break up there is no reason for them to like you other than to please their parent.
Secondly the other thing to remember is that every family has its own unique micro culture they way that they do things and it is different at every level, what they eat, how they discipline, how they care and show physical affection,, celebrating, valuing education, spending and saving, the TV programmes they watch, how tidy the house is, how religious and so on. So young people with a step parent are having to adapt to a new strange family culture and possibly new weird step brothers and sisters in what should be the place where they feel most relaxed and comfortable - their home. As a result the children of divorced parents often grow up to be both very adaptable and at another level they quickly learn that what they really think and feel doesn't matter much to their parent. This is the basis of "children are very adaptable and resilient" the platitude which most adults trot out whenever a child has been affected by divorce or bereavement.
As an example you mention that you take a lot of trouble with birthdays whereas your step children don't. My children don't either, as a family we don't really make a huge effort around birthdays but show our love in other ways that's the culture which my children have got used to. You need to be sure that when you get angry about the way your step children behave that actually you are not feeling that your home culture is the superior one.
The third thing to remember is that you have to build the relationship very slowly, kindly and tactfully. With young step children it takes at least five years for a family to blend and that's when they live with you. If the children are older at the time of thebreakup and don't live with you, you may never blend or always feel awkward when you're together. You are the adult so you have to be emotionally controlled and as kind as you can be. Don't expect anything and don't set your own children up as paragons of perfection.
Your partner is doing the right thing trying to keep a relationship going with his children though it is really tough for him. So I know that at the time you fell in love with your partner you didn't know any of this so don't beat yourself up. Instead resolve to be understanding of yourself and your motives and supportive of your partner's desire to keep a relationship with his children. Take the advice of others and if you can have counselling for support. Partners come and go but your children are for ever
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