Thinking about it a bit more, I wonder if what I'm picking up as the root of the problem is this - that you are being very protective of your partner. That maybe you feel he's being exploited and manipulated and undervalued by his children, and that it is that that you resent, not his actual absence? That you want to protect him from that? And that you see the best way of him getting that protection is simply not to go and see them?
Sometimes these situations tie themselves in tighter and tighter knots, and we just don't seem to be able to cut our way out. That's why I think counselling might really help - to expose what is 'going on' in your heart as well as your brain (as you say!), and if there is a way to unravel the knots, or, if not that, then at least loosen their grip on your life which is, as you say, very destructive and tormented at the moment.
Julie.
PS - BTW, if you're feeling that no one but a fellow stepparent can understand the situation (which may be perfectly true!) I have, sometime ago, come across a forum that is specifically for issues surrounding stepparenting. If I can find a reference I'll post it.
As I say, I'm conscious I've sounded quite unsympathetic, and that may well be simply because I don't have personal experience of the 'knottiness' of complicated extended families. All the best, all the same. J
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