FWIW, I agree with all of the above (especially the point about what possible regard or respect could one have for a parent who walked out of their children's lives).
Surely the bottom line is this - as adults we choose our partners. But children don't get to choose their parents. They have to put up with what they get. They seldom ask their parents to divorce (though yes it can happen), and children simply want a happy childhood with happy parents.
I do wonder what is behind the resentment and the jealousy of your partner's children that does, sadly, come through? Yes, they may well be difficult - teenagers often are, even from homes that haven't been broken up as your stepchildren's have - but they are, after all, children. That doesn't mean they don't have to learn how to treat others with respect and consideration (providing, of course - and this is a leading question, as I don't know the circumstances of why their biolgoical parents aren't together - those others are worthy of respect nd consideration)(see 'walking out on your children' above for why possibly not!!)
I also don't really see why your partner is jealous and resentful if you, very naturally, spend the time he is away with his children, on your children! Good heavens, surely it's the perfect solution to an imperfect situation (ie, that you are both on second time around marriages which I'm sure, given a free choice, you would prefer not to have been the way your life has worked out, even though hopefully it's now a happy ending for you together).
I'm assuming your children are not his, so in which case, I would also assume (perhaps wrongly) that they would be pleased to have time when they have you to themselves exclusively, and not have to share you with their stepfather. Even if they are your mutual children, what's wrong with you spending time with them without your partner? Lots of wives have to put up with their partners being away a lot of the time at work, and we mostly just get on and enjoy other things in the meantime.
Forgive me if I'm picking up entirely the wrong theme here, but I wonder if the pair of you are wishing and wishing that all the various 'steppies' simply didn't exist, that you and he were a first-time-around couple, and that you could both respectively write your children out of your lives as you could your exes???
I'm sorry if this sounds very critical, when you came here for help and support, and I freely admit I have no experience of complicated extended families myelf, only via friends, but from the outside it sounds a bit of a fuss about not much. Whether his children show they need him or not, he has a 'duty of care' towards them, and him simply not bothering to go and see them as he now does would be unacceptable. Remember above all, they didn't ask to have their parents split up - it isn't their fault what happened, nor what the situation is now, however difficult it is for you and your partner. But they do, though, owe a duty of politeness and consideration and respect to those who deserve it, or they will grow up to be not very pleasant people themselves.
If you really, really can't bear him spending any time (let alone his money) (other than their maintenance) on his children, at least you only have two more years to put up with it until his youngest is l8, and then his duty has been discharged.
Again, I'm sorry if this sounds very unsympathetic, but from the outside it's difficult to understand just why it is so difficult to endure his absence one weekend in three, and for him to let you get on with occupying that absence in a positive and enjoyable way yourself that is beneficial to your children.
Life is never perfect for anyone, and some people do, yes, get a rawer deal than others. But after what must have been difficult first marriages for the both of you, you now have each other, in a relationship that is not new, but stood the test of four years, and sometimes we just have to accept the 'downsides' of whatever we are landed with, with as good grace as possible.
All the best anyway, and I would definitely say that if counselling can help you to achieve the emotional resolution you need about this issue, then absolutely go for it! (Maybe your partner would benefit too, as he too seems to have issues on this as well?)
Julie.
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