I got an email today with one line jokes that made me smile. Thought I would share them with you.
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.' ----------------------- This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. ------------------------ I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.' ----------------------- I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.' ---------------------------- I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End' --------------------------- I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.' ------------------------------ I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?' -------------------------- My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel. --------------------------- I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R. ---------------------------- I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down. ---------------------------- I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on. --------------------------- The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.' -------------------------- I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.' ---------------------- This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..' -------------------------- I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.' ---------------------------- I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!' -------------------------------- This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!' -------------------------- I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest' ------------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts. ------------------------ I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. --------------------------- I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.' -------------------------------- I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow' --------------------------------
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