august09
member
Reged: 06/08/2009
Posts: 298
Loc: Co. Tipperary, Ireland
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now I really feel guilty.
I have booked flights to America to visit my brother and his wife and family. I'm going for a week.THis trip is long overdue. My sister-in-law has cancer and may not survive to next Christmas. Its three years since I've seen them
Problem
my OH does not deal well with our teenagers. I always feel like the buffer between them. Once or twice I had to physically protect a child from his anger. After strong words from me and major rows in the house he hasn't touched anyone physically since last spring. I think he learned his lesson that that kind of old-fashioned approach is not acceptable. Still though he gets annoyed and gives out for little stuff that I wouldn't even notice. You could say he's a strict father.
I will be away for about eight days and this morning my YD age 14 was giving out that it'll be awful while I'm gone. "Daddy just gets cross all the time"
What can I say? I will talk to OH before I leave and tell him to take it easy with them knowing that he'll be insulted that I should say such a thing. I know it won't be easy for any of them but surely I should be able to go away for a short break and leave 17,14 and 11 safe with their father??
Maybe I'm worrying unneccessarily but YD was down in the dumps this morning over me going away.
THis is my first break in over a year. Haven't had any holiday at all and I feel I need one. Is that selfish?
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Pet Shop Girl
If your dog loves you, don't seek a second opinion
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jaqi1953
member
Reged: 19/07/2009
Posts: 163
Loc: Manchester
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no august you are not being selfish, you need a break and you want to see your poor SIL who is poorly and that is understandable. Is there no one that could help with the children whilst you are away, grandparents, siblings? The youngest is bound to be upset, she will miss you im sure, but you need to go and if someone could help you out im sure that would ease your mind for you.
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WoodyM
member
Reged: 01/04/2009
Posts: 682
Loc: Cheshire
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No you are not selfish.....guilt, that goes with the territory. Sometimes you have to just let them get on with it....give yr OH the benefit of the doubt and tell the kids you will be upset if they wind up Dad...maybe have a backup plan with friend/family.....promise them goodies from US!!......
Get Skype on both computers so you can all talk.....but not to moan!!
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 568
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I agree, of course you're not being selfish. Have you told your children their aunt may be having her last Christmas? If not, please tell them, as I'm sure they will then understand why it's so important for you to go and see your brotehr and her.
As for your husband, well, personally, tough if he feels insulted! Striking children is not acceptqable these days, and one day he will find his 'little children' have grown up into 'big lads' and will be able to belt him back....
But even if, as you say your 14 year old is teling you 'it will be awful when you are away' - well, tough again. There are three children, and they can look out for each other for a week. Children often do like to 'imprison' us, and get used to having first priority in our lives - but right now your main priority is your SIL and your brother, and you. Eight days is nothing. It's time they started to realise they are not the only people in the world (maybe they get that from their father, who seems to think the family should behave exactly as he approves!).
Pack your bags, and go. Your children will survive, and it will be salutory for them, and your husband. If they do have an awful time when you are away, all the more reason they will appreciate you when you get back.
Do NOT FEEL GUILTY - your FIRST duty right now is to your SIL and brother.
All the best, and hold firm. Julie
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august09
member
Reged: 06/08/2009
Posts: 298
Loc: Co. Tipperary, Ireland
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Oh you're right Julie and I am so going, tickets are booked and thats it. Guilt will be par for the course but don't get me wrong they are not little kids hanging from my skirts, they are big teenagers 17 14 and 11. The youngest is my son its the girls that know life with Dad will be tough.
Wish I could educate my OH how to treat teens but its a lost cause. He won't even try to get along with them.
Yes they do know about their aunt. Its so major in our family hundreds of people know and are praying for her. Not something they wouldn't know at this stage, and I have explained it to them.
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Pet Shop Girl
If your dog loves you, don't seek a second opinion
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debz
member
Reged: 18/05/2009
Posts: 334
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You must go - you are not being selfish at all. I had a similar problem 2 years ago - I was going to visit my best friend in New Zealand and leaving everyone behind.
I neednt have worried though as it actually was a bit of a bonding experience for OH and my sons. They got their own routine going and mucked in together. They have had a much better relationship ever since.
Good Luck
Debz
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sanddancer
member
Reged: 15/07/2009
Posts: 288
Loc: At the end of the drive
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Don't feel guilty explain to family how important it is that you don't want to be worrying about them when you are away your visit is going to be traumatic enough,They can all try extra hard not to wind each other up.Perhaps youngest is laying on the guilt because she wants to come.I'm sure they will all be fine
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Sanddancer
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Mochashosh
member
Reged: 16/02/2009
Posts: 276
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Of course you must go and be with your SIL. This really is a must, and you will value the quality time you spend with her for the rest of your days.
With regard to the children, my parents used to go on holiday without me all the time, and I would go and stay with a friend or with my aunt for a few days. Could the youngest two girls not go and stay with friends? You would have to have the friends a few times once you were back, but it would be worth it.
With the eldest, I'm sure he is old enough to be able to stay on the right side of dad for a week, or is off doing his own thing so not in dad's way. It might even be good bonding time for them.
I'm sure your children understand that you need to do this; they are just worried. Your being away for a while will hopefully be confidence building, because they will see that they are able to manage well without mum after all, and they will feel good about themselves for being unselfish and letting you go.
Best of luck.
Love
Mochashosh
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august09
member
Reged: 06/08/2009
Posts: 298
Loc: Co. Tipperary, Ireland
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Its actually not so much managing without Mum mochashosh as managing with Dad. My two ladies are very independent 17and a half and 14 and a half. THey could survive all year without me of that I have no doubt but getting along with their Dad for a week will be another story. Youngest is my son 11 and he's usually oblivious to household tensions. Lives in an Xbox world of his own.
My fear is that ruptions will break out while I'm gone. In fact it's almost guaranteed.
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Pet Shop Girl
If your dog loves you, don't seek a second opinion
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 6959
Loc: Leicestershire
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Of course you should go, with no feelings of gulit.
But, I would talk to the children about specific things they are concerned about regarding the time you'll be away.
Then you will be able to assess wheter they have real issues, rather than small ones.
Then, too, you will be able to give it to your husband straight about treating them well.
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susieblue
member
Reged: 16/03/2008
Posts: 1447
Loc: Devon
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Of course you should go. If anyone is being selfish it is children and OH. They are all big and grown up (I would be very surprised if the kids hadn't told you that when it was convenient to!!) so let them prove it to you.
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 568
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As for ructions, does your OH have any particular flash points, things that are guarentted to make him go ballistic? (or is it just 'everything'!). If the former, then maybe you can write down a list for your children, and tell them that it's going to be 'bite your lip' week for them, to avoid the flashpoints. If they are at school,and your OH is at work, then for most of the time they won't be seeing each other anyway, will they?
I agree with the posts that say they might even end up bonding more! You know, whydon't yu tell your OH -' Isn't it sad that our children dread me going away because they dread spending time with you? What does that say about what kind of dad you are to them, that they don't want to be exposed to your company?'
Maybe that will make him see himself as others see him - not a great dad....
It's not a question of your children having to placate their dad, or him having to pander to them - it's a question of them all respecting each other, not deliberately winding each other up, and having a degree of tolerance all round for what they each enjoy, and if those are incompatible (eg, your daughters like the house filled with loud music, your OH likes peace and quiet!) then they have to time-share (music for one hour in the evening, then silence, etc).
Glad your son is into the X-box - any chance he could get himself a new game for when you are off, as that will keep him rivited to the screen and not making a nuisance of himself to dad???
But glad they know about your SIL, and understand why it's vital you go.
Best, Julie.
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Bonnie1
member
Reged: 02/08/2009
Posts: 106
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Strikes me that YD knows just the right buttons to press to send you on a guilt trip! I think they all have a responsibity to make sure they get along in your absence.
Go and make sure that you make the most of your time. Guilt is a wasted emotion, so don't let it mar your break. You'll come back all the better for it.
Hope you enjoy the time with your brother and his family. Concentrate on them for this short time.
Regards
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maisiebeasmum
member
Reged: 26/11/2009
Posts: 5
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Maybe your OH will surprise you all as he may be so conscious of being soley in charge that he isn't so hard on the kids! I personally don't think you are being selfish but guilt seems to be par for the course as a mother! We've all felt it at some stage I'm sure. You must trust your instincts on this one: we can all give our opinions but only you know whether your OH will be okay with the kids for a week.
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