amp
member
Reged: 06/07/2009
Posts: 1
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Hello everyone. New here. Been reading your helpful guidance in other posts and plucked up courage for help myself. In short, my son is about to turn 18. His dad and I divorced 3 years ago now, both remarried. I am in contact with his dad and new wife when required, not in each other's pockets basically but we are amicable. We split finance for him between us for everything. She despairs of my son too. He is an only child, very quiet lad, not a party goer or pub person. Hates smoking, dislikes beer. Sees his mates occasionally. Spends most time in his study on computer to mates and we only see him mealtimes or rarely he will watch a film with us. Weekends he goes to his dad's and is the same there. No quality conversation forthcoming. Very hard work to talk to. He now says he does not want to celebrate his 18th. We have offered for him and mates to go bowling, cinema and food, whatever he wants. Nothing forthcoming. Says its his decision. He recently failed 3 driving tests and he and his first ever girlfriend split due to going different ways this end of school year. He's waiting grades for Uni. He gets on with my new husband but is reluctant to come with us visiting family, even though they love him to bits. Can't even be bothered to get out of bed (when he's here) to see my mum who comes round weekends. Very sad. Am I overreacting? Do I respect his decision? Is this normal behaviour? Thanks for listening.
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JacciD
member
Reged: 26/07/2009
Posts: 14
Loc: Walmer
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Hi Amp
I think its fairly normal. I have three daughters aged 16 15 and 13 so a bit younger but pretty much the same as your son. On the whole I am glad they are not out hanging around and experimenting with drugs and drink but know this may yet come. I was advised to just be there when they need you and to listen and not comment when they do open up but this is really hard!! I am sure if he's thinking of Uni he's feeling very mixed up and this is his way of coping. I don't think they mean to be selfish but this is how it appears to us. Hang in there it really could be worse.
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 454
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I have a 21 year old daughter, trying for another university this Autumn. Technically lives with her dad but has now been living here for 8 months. She spends almost all her time in her room, even eating her meals there.She says its her decision. She goes to visit boyfriend in london when she can or she has any money(me)I think its fairly normal but watch out for signs of depression, more common than you think in young people. Good Luck anyway.x
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mumsco
member
Reged: 11/07/2009
Posts: 112
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Hi Amp.
I would be worried too - that's our job after all; he does sound a bit withdarwn. In saying that my children are only, 11,9 and 7 so no experience - really just picking up on your message. However, I can remember not wanting to spend time with family at that age and only wanting to be with my boyfriend(now my OH).
Now going to sound like an oldie - we didn't have a computers in my day so it was really more socialsing within our peer group - but there was the frequent comments about from my mum about treating her home as a hotel.
Sometimes it just helps to share a problem. x
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carsma
member
Reged: 13/02/2009
Posts: 3329
Loc: Berks
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This was totally normal behaviour with my son and to some extent my daughter, though when she did emerge she never stopped chattering, but he didn't. We ate meals together and he may of said a few odd words, then straight back. He did go out with mates though but not much and often playing footie, but I was just grateful neither were into drugs or hanging around on street corners. It's been a stressful time with his exams and now awaiting results so maybe he needs more space at the moment. All you can do is be there if he does need you and keep an eye on him getting really depressed, though sometimes it's difficult to tell the way they carry on anyway. Hang in there, there was light at the end of the tunnel after they went to uni, now have 2 very well-balanced kids of 24 and 27.....!!
Take care.
Carsma x
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 8019
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Hello and welcome to the forum.
Do you think your son is a bit low, failing his driving test three times and then breaking up with his girlfriend? Going to Uni is a big step too with the exam results hanging over him.
If he is quiet, maybe that is just his personality. Neither of my children were into clubbing and drinking either. They were both quite quiet too. Just make sure he knows you love him and believe in him.
Foxie x.
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I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou.
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bookmad53
member
Reged: 29/01/2009
Posts: 43
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I too am beginning to think it is normal, but I too have been worried about my son who is 19. He is extremely quiet, hardly ever speaks, but when he does is quite intelligent. Has had gap year and no work!! so driven me mad at home and hardly ever out. Spends most of time on computer. If with relatives hardly says a word. He, too, is really hard work. However, he went for 2 months on a volunteer placement to Africa, I did worry whether he would fit in, but he loved it and seemed to get on with everybody just great. Now spends all the time on the computer in contact with friends he met there; and writing scripts for plays -his biggest love. So because of Africa, I don't worry now about how he will fit in at Uni, and he doesn't either, he admitted he had been worried before. He is definitely a loner though, so is my other son, but he is much more chatty and sociable. YS definitely doesn't like small talk. Unfortunately, he does need a few drinks to relax him, so I do worry about alcohol at uni. My ES doesn't drink or smoke or go to clubs or pubs, but that's not altogether a bad thing. Just be glad he's not drinking madly and taking drugs!! That would be much worse. At least you know there are lots of others like your son. I think age will perhaps bring them out a bit, but I am trying to accept that my son will always be a man of few words. I just hope he will find a very chatty partner to make up for him!!
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susieblue
member
Reged: 16/03/2008
Posts: 1447
Loc: Devon
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It's a myth that it is just the early teenage years that are a problem with kids. At 15/16 my 2 boys weren't too bad. ES is now a delight but YS, even at 28 is still quiet and keeps himself to himself. He is beginning to open his mouth a bit and when he does, it is always witty and amusing. However he must take the record for the shortest telephone calls in the world!
That having been said, he has a good job and money in the bank (he is so tight fisted, he will never get into debt). I know he has friends but I also know that I will never meet them. If he really needed help, I know he would ask us. He wants and has his independence.
You won't be able to stop worrying, it's the mummy thing to do. But it is normal behaviour for him. Who said being a parent was easy!!!
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 454
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I agree too. My daughter is very quiet here but really she doesnt like my Husband and tends to keep out of the way. She does regularly speak to her dad and has friends coming to see her occasionally. She does have a history of feeling very low so i keep an eye on her. There is no work for her sadly, but she keeps busy on her laptop.I think life is very difficult for young people now and not all parties and boozing ! I would just keep an eye on things generally......Best wishes x
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kuiperkaren
member
Reged: 01/08/2009
Posts: 18
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Hi: I have just signed up today. Your son has had a heck of a lot to deal with and so won't feel much like celebrating. Maybe a holiday is what he needs? Doesn't have to be expensive or far away. I think as adults we forget how much time we may have spent thinking and planning a change ie divorce and forget it may take time for others to accept it. As someone else said on the forum, your son needs reassurance and your unconditional love just now and keep an eye out for depression.
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WoodyM
member
Reged: 01/04/2009
Posts: 679
Loc: Cheshire
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Only failed 3 times - mine failed 5......!!!! Oh we laugh about it now but at the time...he is now 21 and going into his final year at uni. Yes he is still moody, very down at the moment cos he hasnt enough vacation work cos there is very little about!!! Fed up cos has no money, etc - always falling out with girlfriend at uni.... I could go on and on, but basically he is fine, very polite when we have visitors etc.
you cant force round pegs into square holes and yes we all worry about them. Mine didnt want an 18th or 21st, we gave him a flight ticket to a music festival this summer. I could write pages about my son as I am sure other posters could.
Just be supportive and ready to listen..... 
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tricia512
member
Reged: 19/01/2009
Posts: 4
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Failed 3 times - my daughter failed 5 times and then passed on her 6th test, at 21, between Xmas and New year last year !! Was I pleased, and proud that she had stuck at it ! She's just had to go on a Speed Awareness course as well, for doing 37mph in a 30 area !
I would agree with the other posts that the important thing is just to be there for your son - love and support him. Best of Luck.
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