kate5
member
Reged: 20/07/2009
Posts: 8
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I don't really know how to start this so I'll just say it as it happened. Two weeks ago tomorrow I took the post out of the box and opened it - including a letter addressed to my husband. You can imagine my shock at finding out it was from the the CSA asking him to complete a form regarding a child born 9 months ago that it said was his. I couldn't quite take it in at first and my immediate thought was that it was some kind of mistake. Up until that moment I thought I was in a happy secure and loving relationship with a man I considered to be my soul mate. We have been together for 25 years and married for 21. We have two wonderful sons who are 14 and 10. Friends, family, everyone that meets us comments on what a great couple we are, how nice etc he is and I have always felt very secure in our relationship and his love for me and my boys. So on receipt of the letter I immediately rang him at work and told him about it. He just said it's true, I asked if he was still having an affair he said no and I asked how long it had been and he said about three years. I was in complete shock and just said you better get home here. He came straight home and I of course yelled at him and asked all the obvious questions and have questioned and questioned and now from all of this I will give the gist of what I understand and he has told me has happened. The affair actually began roughly 3 years 10 months ago and it was someone he worked with not closely but in the same place it is a large place. It was at a social event and he says that the his reason for doing is that he thought he was being clever and it was a bit of a fling never inteded for anything to come of it made him feel good etc. She was moving away in a few months and he saw no harm. He claims that there was never any problem with me and it was no fault of mine just that he was a complete idiot. He continued to see her over the next five months and before work, sometimes after and on a few occasions when he went for nights out where he worked and had said he was staying over with a mate he went back to hers. He says he ended it during this time and then for whatever reason he went back. It was then that she got pregnant when she told him he said he didn't want her to have the baby and assures me that throughout the time he had seen her made no secret of the fact he was 'happily' married with children and had no intention of anything more. She told him she didn't want anything from him and that shse would be happy to bring up the child alone and changed her plans to go off and live abroad. He said he was in bits didn't know what to do was terrified of me finding out etc. So although he says the relationship was over before she even told him she was pregnant he hung around to make sure she would be true to her word and not spill the beans I suppose. She had the baby and he continued to pop in literally an hour before work or after, throughout this whole time I had no idea and if he was late I wouldn't question as his hours are irratic. During these times he would have sex with her and see the baby. He continued to see her in this way and also kept breaking it off and then going back. I have asked why and said what was the pull and he has assured me that it was purely becuase he did not want her to tell me. She had asked him to be a family with her and he has always made it clear that this would never happen. In January of this year he saw her for the last time and said that is it - he felt it was unfair to the child and me maybe I'm not sure about that. He says he feels nothing for the child and when it was a baby could cope but he said now that it is a toddler and knowing it is not fair and he has not connection with the child. She has complained of this saying he doesn't love the child which is the case he says it is because of what it stands for and really because as he sees it she had an agenda and that was to get pregnant. His own fault for having a fling but at 42 she wanted a child. He says that this is her revenge for him finally severing all ties with her and her way of letting me know what has happened. I asked him if he loved her and he said no but he has said he loved her in the first five months and he did buy her some flowers and has sent her cards birthdays etc and to the child. He claims that nobody except a friend of hers and a couple of her family members know about it. I find this v hard to believe as where I work everyone would know! He has not told anyone not even his closest friends about what has happened and he said that although he deeply regrets all the hurt this has caused me he is glad it has come out in the open because he has been in such a state just waiting for me to find out ever since she told him she was pregnant. I asked him what he would do if the tables were turned and he said he deserved for me to throw him out and that if I wanted him to go he would but doesn't want to etc. Has begged me to forgive him, promises never had an affair before or since, never will. Wants nothing to do with the child, feels absolutely nothing for the child. Says has never stopped loving me throughout the affair and says it just happened because he was flattered being clever no real reason. Unfortunately, I am a thinker a talker and I just find it so hard to deal with all of this. I am completelyl devistated and if I was reading this two weeks ago about someone else I would have probably given different advice. But the bottom line is this sadly I love him, I hate what he has done I don't know if I can ever forgive him I don't know how I can contemplate the thought of him having another child with someone else. He has allowed someone else to come into our marriage he has slept with me and her probably even on the same night! He has not only cheated on me but on my children by having another child with someone else even though he insists he wants nothing to do with it. I keep saying it and the child not through any vengence just that I don't want to give too much away regarding sex etc incase the other woman is infact reading this! He is still in our home and he is doing his very best to make amends I have a passion for him that hurts inside. We have talked about everything I have asked his so many questions that I know he has cringed at and I do feel he has given me honest answers I have said that I cannot promise that we will stay together I will try but right now I really don't know. For the time being we have not told our children and he doesn't want me to tell them about the child or the affair. I said that we should and they should have contact he is adament that we don't I said. If he wanted to have contact and not tell them I could accept this as long as he did not visit her alone. But he does not want this either he has filled out the forms and payments via the CSA will shortly begin and he said that is all he will be doing. To my children he is a fantastic father and part of me is shocked that he is not interested in his own flesh and blood and wonders whether later he will have regrets. I also wonder about how the other child will develop and feel at having a father who does not want to be in touch. However, I do also believe that she got pregnant on purpose. Just to add to that about the same time I did have a real issue as we both approached 40 as to whether to have another child and a friend of mine kept saying you should if you want to and I know I could have go pregnant as she did but I wouldn't do that as I knew he didn't want any more childrden. Now I am angry about this as well and now I feel I want to have that other child but I am 42 and know this is probably completely the wrong thing to do. But this is how crazy my mind is and through it all I am trying to shield my childlren from what has happend. Luckily I now have a holiday from work as my head has been all over the place and I have only confided in one person because if it is going to work I know I cannot tell other people but it is so hard. Some days I think I can do this and other days I have so many doubts and worries and questions and part of me wonders whether I will drive him away anyway with all my constant questions! I can't wear my rings and I have told him that everything that has happended since he met her in terms of us is a lie he says not but that is how it feels to me. I've been on loads of websites looking at how others have coped or not and really just do not know what to do. Why do I still want him? I should never want to set eyes on him again. He wants me to want him he wants everything to be fine and feels relief that I know but as I say to him he has just he has passed it all on to me. At first I said I wanted to meet her with him, I wanted to see what their body language etc was like and her version of events. Obviously he said he didn't want me to but says if that is what I really what then he will. Now I don't know if I am brave enough. Although the one person who I have confided in has told me not to blame myself I can't help but analyse everything. I can see how over the years I have not always been as attentive I work full time, a demanding job, two children lots of friends and we have lots of friends together. I have never stopped loving him but he had stopped being the most important person in my life, the children did come before him. I can see how this woman has been able to tap into him and make him feel special. But, then I think how pathetic and weak he is to let this happen and why he couldn't come and tell me when it happened instead of it taking all this time. It all makes it so much worse. Now this has happened I want him so much I don't want to loose him but on the other hand I don't know if I can cope with it all. Hope this makes sense I'm not even going to attempt to read it back - think it might have helped just getting it all out of my head. I wonder if anyone has experienced anything similar or even seen it from the other side. Any advice would be helpful I am just so confused and hurt. 
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Katy15
member
Reged: 29/05/2009
Posts: 1460
Loc: Wiltshire
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Wow Kate, I don't know what to say, never having been in your shoes, but I am sure that there are many ladies on here who have had similar experiences who will know what to say.
All I can say is that I admire you for having the strength to get it all off your chest like this. I am sure that that alone will help to clear your mind.
Only you can know if you love him enough and believe him enough to pick up the pieces and carry on together.
Whatever you do we are all here for you I am sure. 
I am sending you a big virtual hug and I hope that you find happiness again soon whatever the outcome. xx
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Katy xx
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 6237
Loc: runcorn
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Hi Kate 5
Can't do a long post at the minute, but I wanted to say that you aren't the first to go throught his.
Fortunately (?) when myO/H had an afair, I realised very quickly and there wa no child involved, but you neveer forget the thump of heart that literally winds you when you first hear.
He made a mistake. Based on my O/H, he probably does deeply regret the stupidity of himself and the pain he causes you, but time can't be rewound. I'm afraid you will hurt for some time yet, betrayal like this make you question eveything you thought you held sacred. But, time is the great healer. My O/H and I are very much back together and four years later I rarely think about the other woman.
If you want to PM, please feel free.
Chilla x
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I have the talent of single-minded determination and foc....hey, look, dog!
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Slicktips
member
Reged: 17/02/2009
Posts: 310
Loc: Cheshire
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Kate....I just wanted to welcome you to the forum and let you know that there will be lots of ladies on here who may have the experience to offer you some good advice. Things are sometimes a little quiet on here in the afternoons and lots of people are at work and just popping on (like me).....but I couldn't get back to work without letting you know that I had read your story and how sorry I was for the situation you find yourself in. Just one small question...
Do you normally open his post or did you look at it because you have been suspicious recently??
You must be in such a state of shock and I really hope we are able to offer you some support......I just really don't know what to say at the moment - sorry.
Sending you a big hug.
Slick x
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GILL3SQ
member
Reged: 29/07/2008
Posts: 1624
Loc: Staffordshire
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Well done for getting all this out in the "open". It makes for harrowing reading quite honestly.
There are so many scenarios here and I really don't know who wants what from whom etc etc. If at all possible, I would keep it low key and don't say too much to anyone - things have a habit of feeling better with time and things may be said that you regret. That said, another child by your husband is hard to keep secret but does this woman want him to have anything to do with her and the child anymore?? Once you have sorted out that issue - then you can sort things out with your husband. I would suggest setting aside a weekend without your children when you can talk openly and perhaps make decisions together. At the moment you are shell shocked. Time will make things seem a bit better.
Sorry no real advice to give but hope it all works out.
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Brightspark
member
Reged: 16/03/2009
Posts: 96
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Kate - I really feel for you and wish there was something I could say to make it better, but you really need to work through this yourselves.
One thing I will say though, this is in no way your fault - the fact that he was no longer your number one priority is just what happens in life, especially when you have kids and work full time.
I had a different situation, but it may have some relevance for you. My husband had fathered a child just before we met, he saw her regularly as a baby but stopped when she got to about 2 years old, saying that arguing with her mother was not doing any of them any good and he wanted a clean break. He paid regular maintenance and all was fine until she sought him out, aged 17. This put a huge strain on our relationship, and although I had always known about her, our children had not, but we had no option but to tell them. My husband and I have since separated (not just because of this), but the children now all get on fine with their 'new' big sister, although it was difficult for them at first.
Only you can decide where you go from here - don't be rushed into hasty decisions because of what other people think you should do.
Please PM me if you want to.
{{{{{virtual hugs}}}}}
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Doglover
member
Reged: 20/07/2009
Posts: 11
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I am so sorry for your hurt and pain. I guess this is a very confused time as you try to make sense of someone else's mess which has had a catostrophic effect on you and your image of your family life. I won't give you advice because you have to come to terms with this horrible situation in your time, with a solution that you can live with. Remember that you haven't done anything wrong, this is not your responsibility. Your husband seems to have passed a lot of responsibility to his lover, letting himself of the hook. The two of you can then take sides against this woman [remember whatever he tells you about her could be a made up version, this is a guy who was happy to lie to his family to keep the affair going], or you can ask if she was that bad how come he went with her for so long!
Another innocent party is the poor baby and his callous attitude to the baby 'she' wanted, again he's really off the hook on this one. Whatever happens in life this child is related to your boys and its a shame he didn't pay up front to avoid the CSA in the first place. He does have a responsibility whether he likes it or not, but don't solve the problem for him - he created it let him work it through.
You seem to feel bad because you are a loving person, but have you loved, wanted and cared for him for more than 20 years and you can't just shut it off like a tap - so again don't be too hard on yourself about wanting your old love back. Things have changed and the pattern of your life is different - the question is do you want this new life.
Some time apart might help you to make sense of it all, good luck and keep in touch.
Take care. Colly
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BeauSoleil
member
Reged: 26/03/2008
Posts: 3897
Loc: France
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Kate, I am so sorry. I know that doesn't help at all but just wanted you to know. I would be wondering all the same things as you are. I don't know whether I would encourage contact with his child or not. After all he is his own child as are the other two. How would you want it to be if the shoe was on the other foot and he was not their father but someone else was. Women, as we all know, can be conniving and manipulating and it looks as if this is exactly what she has done. Bad enough having an affair but how she could get pregnant is beyond me-there is so much that can be done to prevent it. I admire your OH's honesty although it has come a bit late. Do you think it would do you any good to go and see this lady-now you know the situation could you go with the friend you have confided in. Not for a showdown but just to get things together in your mind. If you are paying for her child together then surely you could??
Keep posting and hopefully things will become clearer soon and you will be able to follow whatever course of action you decide upon.
Best wishes
XX
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 6864
Loc: Leicestershire
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The overriding issue to come over in your post was your enormous pain.
As an objective view, I think he is being an absolute s... regarding his child. This is a life he created, and he wants to turn his back.What kind of person does that make him?
That child has a right to know who it's father is, and to know him.he or she will judge him in time, but deserves to get to know him.Anything else is unthinkable from that child's point of view.
It is, however totally understandable that your first priorities are your own children and your marriage.That's why I am able to take the objective view that you can't possibly take.
This man has messed up big time, and now he wants to sweep this child under the carpet, get his life back in order, and forget he has a child because it's inconvenient.That is appalling!
I would think a lot better of him if part of his dillemma was how to do right by this child, you and his other children, but he's thinking of one person only, himself!
Sorry to be so blunt but that's how it is.He just wants his tidy life again...his prime worry was you finding out, not contrition and concern for everyone in this mess he has created! Oh, he makes me so cross!
Having said all of that, I accept that you love this man...of course you do.He has been your husband for a long time, and we can't choose what to feel, we can only choose what we do about those feelings.
So, if you decide you want your marriage, you fight for it, but make him act responsibly, and become a better person than the weak guy he's shown up to now.Don't do any 'There, there, everything will be ok, love.' Because it won't, until he faces up to the responsibility he now has.It's convenient for him to paint this woman, as a cold manipulator who caught him...er, he went willingly into her bed and into her life! And now he wisjhes he hadn't. Tough!This won't go away, so deal with it, man.
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luckylegs
member
Reged: 08/12/2008
Posts: 622
Loc: White Stiletto Land
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My dear Kate,
My advice is don't do anything yet, you will be reeling from one emotion to another in a day. I also know that you want to find out every detail,emotion ,what happened ,what was said, the thing is you will be greatly hurt wether you find out everything or not.From experience ,if it should ever happen to me again I will not dig away, as the thoughts of your husband and the women together will drive you mad.
Give your self alot of time and if you can get away on your own just for a day or two ,to let yourself really go, with out any day to day pressure and commitments.
He does sound as if he has geniunly been an absolute arshole and deeply regrets the affair, but you are the one who has to live with it, so only do what you want to do and not what you think you should do. Clearly he never wanted a child with this woman, but he has , that is now down to him to sort out,try not to get involved with that.
I''m so sorry,your world has crashed, but you will get through it.
Take care and when it gets too much to think about come on this forum and let rip.
LL
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 6237
Loc: runcorn
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I agree with Kate that the blame cannot be totally laid at the foot of this othr woman, the blame has to be apportioned equally. We do stupid things every now and again and that would be a one night stand - but for all that time, no he is equally at fault.
As for the child, well I don't know, If he has been a good father to yours, then I suspect that he isn't trying to sweep it under the carpet so he can forget it. I think it's that he's panicking and trying to do what he thinks is the best for you. I'm just basing that on the fact that Mr C would have walked on water once he came to his senses and was desperate to do whatever he thought I wanted. So I'm not disagreeing with Kate 1 entirely, but I think that he isn't thinking straight. Everything is so raw, tht what is said now, may not be what happen long-term.
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I have the talent of single-minded determination and foc....hey, look, dog!
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kate5
member
Reged: 20/07/2009
Posts: 8
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Thank you so much all of you for responding to me I am sitting here and crying now because you have all been so kind but I think I needed to. As I said I have only confided in one of my friends and I know she will absolutely not tell anyone she is fantastic and given me good advice and helped me to get things out and question my own questions and put different perspectives on things. However, she has gone on holiday and I need to be able to talk more. I don't want to tell other friends because i know that if it is going to work then the few people that know the better.
I would love to talk more to you Chila as although as you say your experience was different you have been through similar and survived it. I think my biggest problem is how much I have been deceived and now I am questioning everything and saying to him he is not what he seems. At the weekend we were at a family thing and as people who don't see us often were saying what a lovely bloke he is and how lucky I am etc and now I can't even answer properly whereas before I would have agreed wholeheartedly. Because I can't get out of my head to do this he is not what he seems and he says it went on so long as he hung around to see what she would do etc but I feel doing this he has given her more of himself and how can I be sure it was for what he said and not becuase he wanted to. Everything we had is tarnished its like I have to undo the last four years and start again. I looked at a picture with a date on the other day and said thats when it started with her etc which I know won't help. He says please try not to think about that say that etc. I say can't help it have to I am so hurt he says he knows wants to make it right promises he will I don't know if he can. Then part of me wonders if it is because he doesn't want to look bad in the eyes of his children, family, friends etc again he is adament no and says if I want him to go he will and wait until I am ready for him to come back. The thing is I don't want him to but then when he is here it's like we carry on as normal and we could easily just be ok again if I could forget but that is the thing I can't. Gil3sQ think you are right about the weekend, and Slicktips no I wasn't suspicious at all it hit me like a bolt of lightening. Nearly everything we have is in joint names its rare for either of us to get something addressed personally and if I opened his or he opened my mail neither would be bothered. He recently had a small operation and has a follow up appointment coming in 6 months I actually thought it would be that and opened so as to write on the calender!! It really is the last thing in the world I expected and I think if anyone who knew us read this we would be the last people they would think of. That is the scary thing the fact I had no idea. The more we talk about it and only getting this from his angle he is saying it was finished as far as he was concerned before she became pregnant he knew she was going away in a few months and saw no risk. So why when he ended it after a few months did he go back? He said she got in touch personally I think she knew that it was the right time for her to get pregnant because how convenient that she did? But more fool him for going back. Maybe she had fell for him and thought she could trap him with a child or maybe her body clock was ticking and she just wanted a child. If only he could have told me then although it would have been terrible I would have known that all to be true but the fact he has still been visiting her all be it just a hour here and there and only at her home they have still had sex and I feel there must have been something there. But I am seeing all this from his perspective as he wants me to. I also wonder what kind of a woman it is who is happy with that a visit an odd hour here and there with someone elses husband. Maybe she thinks what kind of woman am I not to have known he was having an affair. But to be honest I have always trusted him and vice versa we have always still been able to go out with our friends or work colleagues and I have thought that was a good thing I would never say you are not going here or there because I think that you shouldn't restrict each other and your relationship will be better for having friends etc. Maybe if I hadn't been so trusting I would have known but infact the times he has seen her I would never have questioned because of his shift pattern times differ and that is when he has seen her. He hasn't spent whole nights or evenings with her since the first few months and I think that is why I have never known. However, now I feel I never want him to go anywhere without me again which is pathetic because he has to go to work and it is before or after work when he has seen her. God here I go again sorry I think I am just rambeling my thoughts away. Thank you for reading and commenting it does help and so do the hugs x
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kate5
member
Reged: 20/07/2009
Posts: 8
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Thank you to those that of you that have addes since my last post. Everything your are all saying is what is going around in my head. Although as I have stated the issue with the child was not my main concern my own children are I have also given a lot of thought to the child, how it will feel when it grows up, how my children will feel and about contact. Initially I said that I would tell our children and we would all have contact but he was adament that he did not want this. But then I think is this because he doesn't want them to know the truth about him and how he will look in their eyes I suspect this is the case. So I said ok we wont tell our children but you still have contact with the child but I didn't want him going to the house it would have to be on neutral ground but he is again adament no. This is not what I would have expected from his as he is a brilliant dad to our children completely hands on always has been he says he doesnt feel the same about this one because of how this has happened and that she is aware of this. Now I am saying this based on the who I thought he was - but if he can lie to us for so long and keep this hidden maybe he can reject this child. Then I think what will happen to the child growing up knowing he rejected it, what effect will that have on them I have looked at things on the web about adults who still feel hurt about this now and that concerns me. I also wonder what our own children will think of not just him but me as well in the future when they do find out because I know they will. Even if it is in 15 years when this child knocks on our door as I am sure it will if it doesn't come out before. I don't think she will go quietly when she gets her money as she has had money already just but not regular weekly payments I think she did this to make a point and let me know. I actually expect her to turn up here any day now. Part of me thinks that would get everything out in the open properly but my mother instinct wants to protect my own children and their world from being shattered. I do know that neither of them would look at their father in the same way if they knew I think they would be more shocked than me. Thank you all again it is so good to sound things out even if it doesnt give me the answers. It keeps me thinking and part of me does think he just wants it all sorted and carry on as normal I think thats exactly whate he wants. I do to but I cant because there is so much, it cant be real unless it is properly sorted !! X
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dabburs
member
Reged: 14/02/2009
Posts: 14
Loc: Edinburgh; Scotland
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Hi
I wish I could take some of your pain away- I am really angry at your husband after reading your post and i dont even know him
Some things that bother me - he appears to be painting the mother of his other child as a manipulative shrew? you only know his side of the story and NOT what he has been telling her, after all if he was able to lie to his wife of 21 years so easily what kind of story may he have spun to her, I am not however condoning HER getting invoved with a married man.
He continued having sex with her AFTER the baby was born? Why?
"Cake and eating it" comes to mind
Wether he likes it or not there is a child involved, this child had no say in its conception and did not get to chose its parents, but it will have to live with the actions of both for the rest of its life- if he can turn his back on this child so easily?? what does that say about him?
You have a lot of really tough desciions to make- I understand how hard it is to just stop loving someone. even after they have betrayed you- a similar thing happened to me although there were no children involved at the time.
Please do not let your husband dictate how YOU deal with this, try to be good to yourself and if you need a private chat feel free.
Hope you dont feel I am being hard on you- I'm not- you feel what you feel and it is neither right or wrong, its just how it is.
Sending you a lot of love and hugs
Danna
x
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 6237
Loc: runcorn
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I have PM'd you Kate.
I think with reference to the child and if he is going to see it, then you have time on your hands at the moment to come to that decision in a few months. Bluntly the child won't know if its father is there or not and the trollope will just have to wait - he can mess her around for a while. It's too much to make this decision as well as trying to sort your relationship out.
It will take you ages to trust him again and it's not unreasonable for you to ask him to keep you informed. You can wonder for ever what happened and you will probably never now all the ins and outs as much as you want to know, or think that you do.
What it all boils down to is whether you want to stay with him and if you think that you can trust him again. It won't happen overnight. I couldn't throw 19 years away - I had no reason to distrust him before that and once all the hoo-haa with the Danish trollope was over, I had no reason to distrust him again. Only you can work out if you think there is in the future some chance of re-gaining that trust.
Please, whatever you do, don't make any major decisions. Whatever you do will hurt, so take some time before you determine anything.
Hugs
Chilla x
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I have the talent of single-minded determination and foc....hey, look, dog!
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marie50
member
Reged: 07/07/2007
Posts: 953
Loc: cleckheaton west yorkshire
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Hi Kate,
My ex had an affair which had been going on for 6 months before i found out, i know how you feel, one minute you have a happy home, husband,children, the next you feel as though your life has ended. My ex had been lying to his bit on the side too, it would take me hours to tell you all the lies so i wont bore you now, she turned up one night at my house and we compared notes. I think it did me good to find out what he'd said to her, he kept telling me these stories (he told her we were divorced 8 years ago so she got a bit of a shock when she found out we had a 2 year old !) but once you've had a shock like that, you can't believe anything they say any more. Like the other ladies on the forum, i think you need to find out from her what the true story is, i too think he's saying these things to you to stop you from contacting her. there are 2 sides and you you wont be able to rest until you have all the facts, i couldn't. I dont agree with keeping this from your children either, they need to know, maybe not right away but how will they feel about you if you keep it from them ? He wont want them to know as it will make him look bad in their eyes, typical selfish man. My son (he was 15) knew about it right from the start, as soon as i found out, for a while he wouldnt have anything to do with his Dad, the respect had gone, but now they have a fairly close relationship, he doesn't agree with what went on but still loves his Dad. My daughter was only 2 so she's never known anything else, thankfully.
If you hadn't opened that letter from the CSA, would he have told you about this ? I think you know the answer to that one.
My ex now has a 2 year old and another baby on the way but we get on fine now. Time really does heal, it's an awful time, but don't make excuses, blaming yourself for what happened, it takes 2. The trust has now gone between you and only you will know whether you can live with that, i know i couldn't and i'm much happier now, some people can get over this and repair their relationship, take as much time as YOU need to think about whether you can ever put this to the back of your mind, it will take years. You didnt force him to have an affair, he probably does regret it but there is a child involved now and i dont know how he can just shut himself off from that. He's not being fair to anyone. i really hope you can find your way out of this, other ladies will all tell you the same thing, remember, you're not alone, there are loads of us who have been throught this and come out the other side remarkably well !! Just keep posting xxxxxxx
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tuzanne
member
Reged: 17/07/2009
Posts: 456
Loc: Essex
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What a terrible situation to be in. I don't know how I would feel in a similar situation, but I know that it would be wrong to have another baby now. A lot of people see this as a fix to bring them together, but It is not. It would just add more fuel to the fire.
It sounds to me that this other woman really wanted a baby because her clock was ticking and she saw your husband as her last chance. She was very crafty to not only get her baby but get someone else to finance the whole thing. I must admit that this is a lesson to all men - always use a condem. It is funny really because I was only saying this to my son the other day when I told him not to rely on a girl saying she is on the pill.
As for staying with him I think that everyone is different and some people can live with this sort of betrayal and others can't. I suppose it depends on how much you want to stay with your husband. If you have lost all respect for him then maybe you should walk away, but if you still love him and want him then fight for him.
Good luck with whatever you decide, and on the question of telling your kids, I personally think that it is not a good idea at this stage. Maybe later when they are older you can tell them about the other child.
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Cherrytart
member
Reged: 10/03/2008
Posts: 15
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I have just read your very sad story Kate and I have personal experience of being let down by a long time partner. I am now happily single after being married for 28 years. The last few years of my marriage were a sham when my ex husband had an affair with a work colleagues wife (who was an alcholic) and used all the excuses of the day to try and save his bacon!!!! My two daughters were in their late teens then and lost all respect for their father, so much so that when I tried very hard for all our sake to put everything behind us their relationship with him was not good at all. I feel its very difficult to replace the trust you have built up over a long number of years. Personally I wouldthink very carefully of your situation especially when another child is now involved. After eight years on my own and my two daughter now happily married we no longer have any contact with my ex husband (their father) not because of bitterness on our part but because he felt it should all be swept under the carpet and forgot about. NO hope!!!!
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Thimble
member
Reged: 04/12/2008
Posts: 4327
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What a terrible situation to be in Kate5. What decisions to have to make. I, personally don't think I could stay with him. It is bad enough to find out that he has had an affair for some years but to have fathered a child as well.
The other thing is if he has to pay CSA payments every month then it is always going to be there rearing its ugly head.
Only you can make the decision as to what you will do but as everyone else has said you really have to make sure you are not pressured into anything. Take your time YOU ARE THE INNOCENT PARTY and he has to allow you your space.
I wish you all the very best in dealing with this very traumatic situation.
Take care................ thimblex
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izzyb50
member
Reged: 11/07/2009
Posts: 918
Loc: Sitting with Laptop on knee
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Hi Kate,
oh sweetheart I really, really dont know what to say, what an ordeal for you and your kids. i cant offer any advice i'm afraid but just wanted to let you know you're amongst friends here, post as many times as you need to, there will always be somebody to give you some words of encouragement.
God Bless.
izzy
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