Cadenza
member
Reged: 11/06/2009
Posts: 59
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I am at the end of my tether and I don't know what to do. I walked away from my physical and mentally abusive marriage 11 years ago with three young children and bin bags. He has never paid maintenance, always wins whenever I have got solicitors involved and still tries to control my life.
My children are now 16, and 15 year old twins. They spent half their time with their father, apart from times when he would blow up and literally dump them on my doorstep. (I was always happy to have them and wanted them full time) Last August their father totally rejected them and had nothing to do with them until Christmas, when they wanted to see their grandma who lives with him. Since then my son has been in contact with him and my girls don't want to have anything to do with him.
I have told him that since the children have phones, laptops he can contact them directly, there is no need for him to contact me, as when he does he is always abusive. Over the last couple of weeks he has got involved with my sons girlfriend problems, and has sent me texts, phoned me and turned up on my doorstep. On all occasions he has been drunk as the messages make no sense, he says horrible things about my partner as well. He even gets his mother who is scared of him to drive him to my door so that he can abuse me. I ordered him off my property and said I had nothing to say to him but he took no notice and said I was evil.
What can I do to stop this. I hate the fact he can infiltrate my life whenever he pleases, with abuse. I would love to get an injunction against him contacting me in any way, but can I do this whilst my twins are only 15. Any advice would be gratefully received. Thanks
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jamjams
member
Reged: 09/01/2009
Posts: 1174
Loc: geordieland
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So in short he is still mentally abusing you, and his family.
May I suggest you get in touch with one of the womens refuge charities as they might be able to give you real advice.
Personally I would get a court injunction to keep him away, as you say he uses threatening behaviour.
Sorry I can't be more help, keep posting and stay safe
jamjams x
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jules62
member
Reged: 22/04/2009
Posts: 122
Loc: Lancashire
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I would say a court injunction is the only way to get him off your back. I had a similar problem with my ex for a while as he was very bitter that i dared to divorce him. He was never physically abusive to me but used emotional and verbal bullying to demean me and eventually i lost all confidence but thankfully had the guts to file for divorce. Long story!
Anyway, i had the same problem that he kept sending me abusive texts usually when things weren't going well in his life or if he was trying to manupulate me or my sons.
In the end i just ignored his texts and thankfully he is now leaving me alone. It has helped that he has retired from work at 54 and has a large lump sum pension so he is busy spending that. He probably feels that he has got one over me as i didn't fight him for it but it wasn't worth it. I'd rather manage on my own and not have any more bitterness.
The hardest thing i find to cope with is that i can't have no contact with him at all as he still wants to see his kids now and again, when it fits in with his social life. My sons are 19 and 16 so a little older than yours so can make their own decsions about whether they want to see him or not.
Your situation sounds a lot worse though as he is actually coming round to your house to actually abuse you. You would be in your rights to phone the police. I know it is hard as no doubt , no matter what he has done your children still love him. Be strong and i suggest go and see a solicitor to see where you stand. You shouldn't have to put up with this!
Please let us know how you get on and most importantly take care!
Julie
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titch
member
Reged: 12/01/2008
Posts: 8
Loc: Kent
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Hello Cadenza
I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time - puts some of our problems into perspective.
You don't say where you live - certainly in my area of north west kent there are community solicitors who would be able to help - let me know where you are and I can try to find a community solicitor in your area or give you web site addresses for support.
Ceratinly an injunction would be a good solution and it is quite easy to get - I'm sure there are forum members who could help (I would be prepared to) if you find this daunting.
You don't have to put up with this - the law is there to protect you so use it and if you find it difficult a good starting point is your local Citizens Advice Bureau - if they cannot help they will point you in the right direction. You can find your local one on the net or if you give your location I am sure forum members will have the contact details.
Everytime he comes round and is abusive contact the police - they may not attend but will record the incident so giving you evidence for the future. Every police force has a dedicated person for domestic violence - find out their name and make contact.
Good luck
Titch
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carsma
member
Reged: 13/02/2009
Posts: 3285
Loc: Berks
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Hi Cadenza
Just to welcome you to the forum and say I am thinking of you.
I have nothing to add and think the others have given you sound advice, I would get an injunction against him, you really shouldn't have to be treated so badly.
Take care
Carsma x
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Cadenza
member
Reged: 11/06/2009
Posts: 59
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Thanks for your support. It is nice to know that there are pepole out there who understand and care. I am normally quite a stron person, but I get so angry that he can still do this too me. Thankfully i am no longer afraid of him, but no one has the right to do this to another human being.
Titch, I have no idea if there are any community solicitors in this area, Taunton, Somerset. It would be great if you could find out. Unfortunately finance is a bit of an issue as i have spent a fortune on legalities before and got nowhere. I shall certainly go to the CAB as well. Thanks
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Goingbackwards
member
Reged: 22/08/2008
Posts: 2650
Loc: Isle of Wight
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Nothing much to add but just take the advice and get the injunction sorted. Dont answer texts from him, seems he is as much of a bully whatever you do. Take care and get it sorted out legally.
xx
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Thimble
member
Reged: 04/12/2008
Posts: 4322
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Cadenza................. most solicitors nowadays offer a service which is "Free 30min consultation". They could advise you as to how they feel you should deal with this. Might be worth a try.
The only other comment I would make is to change the telephone number of your landline (making it ex.directory) and the number of your mobile. Then make sure the children do not give this to him and he can contact them via their laptop or mobiles not through your home phone or your mobile.
This would at least make it a bit difficult for him to get in touch with you direct. Then when you see him pull up in a car immediately phone the police and as stated by titch at least it is recorded for future reference.
It is terrible that he behaves in this way and mentally abuses you. I sincerely hope you are able to get it sorted ASAP.
We are here for you if you need to rant and rave. Take care.
............thimble
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 8004
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I have nothing to add to the advice given to you already. Just wanted to say stay strong and sending you a hug.
Foxie x.
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I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou.
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Dormouse
member
Reged: 04/05/2009
Posts: 371
Loc: Scotland
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Hiya Cadenza and welcome
I agree with everything the girls have already said. After reading your post my first thought was a restraining order, changer your number go completely ex directory and get him to contact your children via their mobiles or their email addresses.
You did well to walk away - it takes a lot of strength to do that and a lot of courage - you now need to stay strong and be stronger and get the law involved to get this man stopped once and for all.
Dormouse
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titch
member
Reged: 12/01/2008
Posts: 8
Loc: Kent
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Hi
Sorry I should have put the link in for this.
Go to
http://www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk
There you will be able to find a solicitor in your area and the areas of law they cover – you’ll be looking for family for instance a couple listed are –
Kevin Shearn Family Law Practice 1 Church Square, Taunton, TA1 1SA and Broomhead & Saul 3 Hammet Street, Taunton, TA1 1QZ
They both have web sites so worth a look.
The site will also give you a link for advice and a link to calculate if you are entitled to legal aid but it is worth a phone call to the solicitor anyway – ring round until you find one you feel comfortable with.
Let me know if you need any more info and I’ll do some research.
Good luck and take care
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wispa
member
Reged: 16/01/2008
Posts: 3673
Loc: Suffolk,
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Take a deep breath, relax, and read the advice given.
And take courage in the fact you have so much love and support from your friends on the forum.
..wispa
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 453
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Could i just ask where does grandma come in to this? Does she have an opinion?Is he abusing her aswell? Certainly urgent help is needed, also for her? Take care xx
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Cadenza
member
Reged: 11/06/2009
Posts: 59
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Thanks everyone for your support it really does make a difference. I am going to get things sorted.
As for grandma, she is 86 and lives with him. She also is under his thumb and will not go against him although she has told my eldest that she 'believes dad is behaving very badly.' She wants to leave and move to be closer to the children but to be honest I don't want her here because I can see us having to look after her and even though she is mainly a 'sweet old lady' She can be quite vicious and will defend her son to the ends of the earth. once when I took her out for lunch witht he children last year my younger daughter told her she could move in with us. Her face lit up and mine froze. I think she saw my reaction and backpeddled, thank goodness!!
The one thing stopping me from injunctions and changing numbers is what if my son is with him and has an accident. I would want to know straight awayand if he doesn't have my number how would I know. Am I being silly and laying myself open??? It is so difficult because I have always believed that the children come first and that a marriage break up however bad should not impinge on the children. I don't know, I get so confused!!
Anyway thanks everyone again for letting me ramble on!!
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 552
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I'm only picking up on a small portion of the very difficult situation you are in, for which you have my entire sympathy.
It's about your MIL - in the end, she made her son the person he is now. Maybe not intentionally etc, but as his mother she has to bear a considerable respnsibility (as do we all as parents I beleive!) for he turned out. That means you really can't bring her any closer either, so definitely don't let her come and 'dump' her self on you - you owe her nothing. (She's probably in denial about what a brute her son is - just as he is probably in denial about it too!)
As for the rest of your situation, I'm not sure what the best is - which is, of course, why you are finding it difficult to deal with. One thing I would say, though, - if your ex does have your telephone number etc, that does not mean you have to take his abusive calls! If he starts on at you in a phone call, you hang up. When he redials you say 'this conversation will take place only if you are civil to me, and that is that' - and if he starts on again, again you hang up.
I agree it would be good to get as much 'protection in law' as is possible in these very difficult situations.
Take care, Julie.
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carsma
member
Reged: 13/02/2009
Posts: 3285
Loc: Berks
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Hi Cadenza
I can understand the situation about the phones, but just hang up, Julie is right, you don't have to listen to him.
For heavens sake avoid MIL anywhere near you, she had some hand in making him what he is. The kids must obviously choose what they want to do, they are old enough now.
I have a very amicable split with my ex and we still live together despite him having a girlfriend, but I have always made it clear to the kids that they must do as they wish with both of them and the family.
My mother made life hell for me when she and my father split, until she died, all you can do is support them in what they want, but don't let him harm you.
Take care and keep in contact with us all and DON'T have MIL, whatever the kids say, that is asking for trouble.
Carsma x
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Scarlets
member
Reged: 01/04/2007
Posts: 1889
Loc: Just across the pond
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I would get an injunction out against him
For goodness sake you are divorced. How long does he think he can manage your life. You really dont have to see him at all.
I suppose there is going to be the odd time when discussing the kids, but even then he shouldn't come on your property unless invited.
Do something now before he takes it for granted he can carry on abusing you
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