titch
member
Reged: 12/01/2008
Posts: 8
Loc: Kent
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I haven’t been on the forum before although I have read some of the threads and as everyone always seems so supportive I was hoping someone can help with the way I feel. I am 61 and my husband (64) has for nearly two years been texting and sending gifts to a woman he had a brief affair with almost 30 years ago – she got back in contact just before Christmas 2007 via voicemail on our landline but I knew it was her. I have challenged him a couple of times but he says she is ill and in a bad way (I think this is a lie) and he feels he must support her. He says it is me he loves. I know he hasn’t seen her so there is no grand affair but I feel so lonely and betrayed and I know it is probably silly but I can’t seem to get over it. My son is getting married in September so I must keep everything OK for that but I don’t know how to. Some coping strategies would be very welcome. I have an interesting part time job as a mental health advocate and run a small successful, publishing company but this all seems nothing when I am effectively sharing our home with someone else. He has his mobile phone in his pocket constantly and it is so obvious when she has sent a text as he has to rush upstairs or go out and check the cars – I could scream! And then I feel so low.
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Dormouse
member
Reged: 04/05/2009
Posts: 371
Loc: Scotland
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Hiya titch
Welcome to the Forum!
I know that you have said that it is no grand affair however I feel that your OH is not taking your feelings into consideration and quite frankly I think that he is being extremely selfish. Have you told him what you have just told us as to how hurt and upset you feel over this?
I think that you should tell your OH how much this is bothering you. It is not good to bottle up your feelings. You are understandably very upset.
Would your OH let you meet this friend and see any of these text messages? It could be as innocent as he says but I think he should respect your wishes which he is clearly not doing.
If it is completely innocent, he will have no problem in letting you meet this woman so she can become a friend of yours as well maybe and, he should have no problem letting you see his text messages from her.
You will get a lot of good advice on the Forum and if you do need to talk or let out your feelings do so............... I am not going to tell you not to worry as you obviously are worried. What I am going to say is that I think you need to have another talk with your OH and lay it on the line as to how you feel. Try my suggestions if you think that they are appropriate.
Dormouse
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titch
member
Reged: 12/01/2008
Posts: 8
Loc: Kent
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Hi Dormouse
Thank you - yes I would love to talk to OH but somehow I just can't. I know he knows how upset I am from the two occasions we have discussed it. I have met the woman - he used to work with her so we met a work 'dos' - I think that is what makes it worse now, it is bringing back all the hurt I felt at the time. It ended because she moved away so I suppose I am thinking 'what if' she hadn't moved? It maybe that there is no answer - just ways to come to terms with it until it is over.
Thank you
Titch
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shell1966
member
Reged: 05/07/2009
Posts: 12
Loc: Manchester
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Hi titch,
I agree with Dormouse. You say he tells you that he loves you but if he did then he would see just how this is hurting you. You do need to be honest with him and tell him how it makes you feel.
This woman does not have any morals if she keeps texting a married man. Don't feel low, he is the one who should be made to feel low. She is the sad one if she can't move on after 30 years. Probably aged so much, lost her looks and she can't get a man of her own!
We are always here if you want to chat, we'll make you feel better.
Michelle
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Goingbackwards
member
Reged: 22/08/2008
Posts: 2657
Loc: Isle of Wight
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Hi .. I think you have to sit him down and have a good talk with him and make him understand how much he is hurting you,
I am the same age as you and I am sure that he is just playing a game that makes him feel good about himself. Its not just us women that dont like getting old and men dont talk about things like us.
I think he is just getting a thrill from it all and, as he is not taking it seriously or taking it further, cant see the harm he is causing.
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 6864
Loc: Leicestershire
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I would be asking for his mobile in order to read the texts, and if he refuses to let you, you have to spell out to him how you are feeling.
If it's innocent he will show you some texts....my guessis that it isn't.I can't see any man doing this for purely altruistic reasons.
What he's actually doin is putting her need before yours, and that needs pointing out to him.
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Petal02
member
Reged: 01/02/2009
Posts: 11
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Illicit text messages to a member of the opposite sex are rarely innocent. Be careful here.
Petal xx
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rugby_mother
member
Reged: 28/06/2009
Posts: 15
Loc: Newmillerdam, Wakefield, West ...
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The too and fro of text and email is very addictive-providing a little rush each time one arrives, a thrill when one responds and an anticipation whilst the next one is expected. Sometimes that is all it is, like a fantasy but almost real so even better. It works even better if you know the other person a little. Like any addiction it is not easy to stop and help is probably required. Having said that it is extremely hurtful as it excludes the other partner. How about writing down your feelings in a letter to your OH not in an accusatory but in a supportive way. The most important thing is that you get your feelings heard it is not to apportion blame. Don't know if this will help at all-just one idea amongst many.
rugby_mother
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tango
member
Reged: 18/06/2009
Posts: 27
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I do agree with rugby mother and think she has given some sound advice. Men can be altrustic, he could also be trying to hang on to his youth. He is being very selfish and I do hope it can be sorted out soon.
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 6237
Loc: runcorn
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If he is feeling that he needs to hide his mobile phone from you then there is no doubt that he is deceiving you. The degree of deception, wether it is a grand affair or a textual relationship is irrelavent. it's deceit and lack of regard for you. Having been through my O/H having an affair, the hurt came not from the physical relationship he had with the trollope but the sharing and the intamacy, the little snatched conversations and the texts they sent each other.
My interpretation of marriage is that it should be based on mutual respect and that is clearly lacking in this situation.
As to what you do, well people have suggested sitting down and talking, or writing a letter, whichever you feel would be better for him to respond to. Hopefully if it can be tackled in the right way he will realise that he has to honour his committments to you.
If he won't discuss it or respond with anything but anger to a letter, which I know my O/H wouldn't, then you need to decide wether you can live with this or not. I fully understand that you want to keep things going until your son's wedding, but don't torture yourself unbearably on his behalf. Only continue if you feel you can, don't be hard on yourself when you need some comfort and love.
Wishing you well
Chilla x
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I have the talent of single-minded determination and foc....hey, look, dog!
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PatsyW
member
Reged: 28/12/2007
Posts: 2294
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Hi titch and welcome.
Can I be blunt?
Anyone who has to keep their phone by their side, or hide it from their partner is up to no good.
I know it will hurt to face him with it, but in the long run it will hurt more if you keep bottling your feelings inside you.
You deserve to be treated better.
Hugs.x
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Well behaved women seldom make history.
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titch
member
Reged: 12/01/2008
Posts: 8
Loc: Kent
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Hello everyone
Thank you so much for the support – I wish I’d come on here sooner. The two friends who I would have shared this with sadly died a couple of years ago and I couldn’t share this with our mutual friends – it would seem disloyal but above all I would feel foolish – pride I suppose!
I think the worst thing is that after 42 years of marriage and yes some ups and downs I felt we were rock solid – not in taking it all for granted but just we come through stuff and we are still together and happy – this had made me unsure.
I suppose what made me come on here was firstly the article on snooping in July W&H – I’m not a snooper and feel everyone has a right to their privacy. Everything I’ve found out has been by chance, firstly an anonymous phone call from a ‘friend’ the woman herself I suspect, telling me she thought I ought to know that my OH was in touch with this person again. Then odd signs which after 42 years you can pick up and drafts of notes he wrote to accompany the gifts he sends. Secondly an incident last week. I came home from work and found an envelope on the table with a gift card for me to treat myself and thanking me for being such a wonderful wife. I was so happy – then later decanting a split rubbish sack a draft of a note (he always writes things in rough first) he had sent accompanying a gift together with the receipt form M&S – I just felt sick.
Sorry to have rambled and I take Goingbackwards point and on good days I think I’m here she’s not and yes I suppose is having a ‘safe’ fling but it still hurts. I am a tenaciously loyal person which makes it harder to accept deceit and duplicity in others.
After all your kind words and advice I feel stronger and think I am going to wait until after the wedding and then try to discuss it calmly. Until then I am going to concentrate a bit more on just us having a good time (which we do a lot – he is a basically a good man and fun to be with) try to ignore the surreptitious texting and be a little bit selfish and look after me.
I will return often to the forum and hopefully be of support to others.
Thank you.
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Vinca
member
Reged: 19/10/2008
Posts: 2411
Loc: Kent
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Hi Titch and welcome to the forum!
What a rat eh? Everyone else has given you some excellent advice but I think you also need to ask him how he would feel if it the were boot were on the other foot and you having a text affair like this. I am sure he would feel as betrayed and isolated as you are.
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marie50
member
Reged: 07/07/2007
Posts: 953
Loc: cleckheaton west yorkshire
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Hi Titch, he's treating you very badly, you need to let him know how you feel. not in a nice way to avoid any confrontation but stand up to him and make him understand. when my ex was having an affair, i decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. i asked him to look after our daughter one evening whilst i went out. i led him to believe i was seeing someone else (we were separated at the time) boy was he mad !! Give him something to think about, make him put himself in your shoes if you can, it wont be easy but you cant let this go on, you deserve better than this.
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WoodyM
member
Reged: 01/04/2009
Posts: 679
Loc: Cheshire
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He's just pathetic and behaving like a teenager!! Get your son's wedding out of the way and then get MAD!! dont be a victim. I would be appalled if my OH behaved in this way, if he did his bags would be packed and on the step!!
I suspect he is enjoying this woman's attention, but if you sent him packing to her, he would scuttle back. He can only behave this way because you let him, perhaps you need to be a bit more sneaky and unpredictable.
Good luck, keep posting 
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 8019
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If you know this woman's name could you google her and see what comes up? I just wonder why after all these years she has suddenly got in touch, just seems a bit strange.
The fact your OH won't discuss it or show you the messages rings alarm bells for me.
Welcome to the forum - just sorry your first post is such a difficult one.
Foxie x.
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I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou.
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jacqui_o
member
Reged: 15/10/2008
Posts: 834
Loc: Lowestoft Suffolk
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Like Foxie, I think it VERY strange that after 30 years she just springs up out the blue.......where did she get your phone number? where did she get his mobile number? they are the first two questions...
next areyou in the same house you were before?
This person who called you again where did they get the number?
IMHO it was " the strumpet" my feeling is he is telling her totally different thigns , which is why she called....
I would book some counselling sessions before your sons wedding, for you int he first instance... and possibly joint....
Nest I would change your landline, tell your supplier it is due to silent calls, you should get it free...
Next his mobile would accidently be covered ( totally immersed) in water..........I dont care how I did it , but would find a way of it having an accident....
she will find it very difficult ot contact him if she does not have a number:)....
Whilst the last thing I would wish to do is cause you more distress and worry, but it is also possible that he could be biding his time till after the wedding also...
Like Woody says , he can only treat you this way if you give him permission to do so.........
Perhaps you should not be as accomodating as you have, also instead of spending more time with him, do the complete opposite....
go out with a female friend, but be very vauge and make sure you are dressed up to the 9s, dont asnwer yer mobile ot him or answer texts.........
treat like with like.....
I am really sorry you are in this position, you deserve more and are worth more, good luck...
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duckegg
member
Reged: 26/02/2007
Posts: 1324
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Hi Titch
Quote:
Next his mobile would accidently be covered ( totally immersed) in water..........I dont care how I did it , but would find a way of it having an accident....
That idea, or just 'losing' his mobile for him crossed my mind too. Like you I think I'd be biding my time at the moment in view of the wedding, but I'd certainly be tempted to make contacting her a little more difficult for him.
Hope all goes well for you
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titch
member
Reged: 12/01/2008
Posts: 8
Loc: Kent
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Hello all - back again
Yes I wondered why suddenly after all this time – I think it maybe that we were invited to a 60th wedding anniversary of a previous manager and she wasn’t invited but found out about it and I suppose it just brought back memories. We still live in the same place and our number has not changed. We did get lots of number withheld silent calls but OH signed us up to reject anonymous calls. Obviously he contacted her after the initial calls and gave her his mobile.
As she does not contact us at home now our landline is not a problem – if she does start ringing at home I will change the number.
Yes I’d love to ‘drown’ his mobile – even though he never leaves it anywhere for a minute – and I will try I think and I will try not to be so accommodating.
What I would really love is for some concrete evidence to fall in my lap that I haven’t discovered by accident that I could challenge him with. It sounds so weak to have found something in the rubbish – he will think I went through the rubbish searching – couldn’t stand that.
Thank you all for your advice and goods wishes – it has really helped. Also reading some of the other problems on the forum makes me feel a bit moany really and I hope I can be of some support to others.
Titchx
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Dormouse
member
Reged: 04/05/2009
Posts: 371
Loc: Scotland
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Hiya Titch
I am a text addict and I am texting all the time and when I am not texting, I am receiving texts or emails. I always leave my mobile near me at all times and unlike your OH I do not hide it and act suspiciously.
I will be honest with you, it took my OH a long time to get used to my texting or emails but, he knows that i am not doing anything that I am not doing. A lot of the time I will show him my text messages as I have nothing at all to hide.
I do still keep in touch with a guy that I used to work with and my OH knows that there is absolutely nothing going on because I have shown him the text messages.
As we say up here in my part of the world, your OH is at it. Have you asked him to show you his messages? The letter idea is a brilliant idea.
Have you told your OH everything that you have told us? I think you need to let him know how you feel - I would see if you could "accidentally" borrow his mobile for a few hours or even a day and then you can see exactly what type of messages he is receiving and sending.
Dormouse
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