fayewick
member
Reged: 08/07/2009
Posts: 19
Loc: kent
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hi im new but i have been told to ask this on this forum from a friend ( motherofpearl ) ,who says that you lovely ladies will give me the advice i need
i am 40 married have 3 lovely children who are a dream to me ,i have a house 2 dogs a cat ,african snails (dont ask they belong to my children yuk !!!!!)
i have a car ,we both have good jobs ,and we are going on holiday for the first time in 11 yrs , i have been married for 15 yrs so should be happy ,but im not ,
, i feel like im compared to tigger (whinnie the poos friend )
and my oh is like eeyore , he dosent do anything ,his opinon on life is awful he moans about the most stupid of things , hes unsocial when we go out to the point its embarrissing he wont dance ,wont go on funfair rides with me just doesnt want to do any thing and the intimate side is no go area porn is his thing ,im totally fed up with what goes on behind closed doors, people always says you look so good together,!!!!!!
my question to you is
am i bieng selfish to want more ,
to feel wanted and loved to feel alive to enjoy life and really be happy with your partner , to be intemate and it doesnt hurt ,to be excited to see your parnter, talk to each other,laugh with each other , is this just maddness
my mum and dad says that marrage is for life and you shouldnt rock the boat ,as it stands now i cant see us together this time next yr ,im only 40 not in retiement age yet ,
motherof pearl say you all will put me right ,
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life is what you make it ,
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suziedee
member
Reged: 21/05/2009
Posts: 559
Loc: Cumbria
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Firstly welcome to the forum.
Ofcourse its not selfish to want to be loved and to enjoy life with your OH. Marriage is not always for life and if your OH wants to hurt you when you are intimate and you don't like that sort of thing then say no to him.
Have you tried talking to him, telling him what you like as well as what you don't like?
If he will not listen or change then you must do whatever it takes to make your life more fullfilling.
Good luck Suziedee
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carsma
member
Reged: 13/02/2009
Posts: 3298
Loc: Berks
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Hi Faye
Wow........... Mother of pearl has great faith in us all and I will not be the best person to give advice I suspect.
Nooooooooo you are not selfish to want more, been there done that and got the tee shirt, we all deserve more.
Have you tried talking to OH ?? Tried just doing things together for the two of you ??? The reason I ask is that you could be writing my script and now we have split, I often wonder if I actually tried enough, and I know I just gave up at one point and really just didn't want to know, I could've continued trying, but I didn't. Men are a fragile species, but I did find the porn stuff really hard and maybe it was silly of me.
Trouble is we all need to be made to be special and he just stopped doing that except birthday and Xmas when he went overboard, but that I didn't want, just some caring all the time.
You do need to try and talk to him though and make him realise how you feel, he isn't a mind reader and it is easy to let everyday life just overtake everything until there is nothing left. Maybe there is stuff he needs to say to you as well, again it is easy to let kids take over your life and you don't give OH enough time.
I hope someone else can be of more use to you than me, but if you want to just offload feel free to pm me, I will always listen !!!
Take Care
Carsma x
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marie50
member
Reged: 07/07/2007
Posts: 951
Loc: cleckheaton west yorkshire
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you're normal to expect more, your OH sounds very selfish to me, maybe you need to sit down and have a good chat with him. I dont think it's normal to be hurt when you're being intimate, that sentence worried me a bit i have to admit, especially when you mentioned he prefers porn too. your mum and dad are entitled to their opinion but they dont have to live your life do they ? do they know all the facts ? you dont have to stay with him if he's making you unhappy but you must talk to him to let him know how you feel first, he might be completely unaware of any problems you feel you have, most blokes are ! don't suffer any more, talk to him, and keep posting on here, you'll get loads of support.
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Little_Dragon
member
Reged: 04/02/2008
Posts: 600
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Faye
I don't see that wanting more affection and spending more time with your OH as selfish. I agree with the other ladies you should talk to him, especially about the intimate side of your relationship, you shouldn't suffer in silence. If you need any support you will get it here as many of us have been through marital problems/breakups and survived.
Take care.
Iris x
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BettyRubble
member
Reged: 06/02/2008
Posts: 608
Loc: South west France
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I do believe that everyone is entitled to love and affection throughout their lives, it makes for a happier and kinder world, so I ask - is he a kind person and does he show you affection ? Is he a good Dad ? Do the children spend good quality time with him ?
If you're answering yes to all these questions then you can probably talk to him and make him understand, but if not then you've got ask yourself why am I still here ? And then ask him the same question. Breaking up any relationship isn't easy but I'd ask myself "if I'm half way through my life is this good enough for the next forty years?"
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WoodyM
member
Reged: 01/04/2009
Posts: 679
Loc: Cheshire
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I dont think you are being selfish, however if you read the forum this post is quite common and I think many go through this, I have myself.
A couple of things - was he like this at the beginning, it yes you will not change him! if no why has he changed so much..?
Never experienced the porn issue, is this new?
Certainly there needs to be some changes or I would guess the relationship will break down.
One thing I would say however is just be careful, although the grass looks greener on the other side, it quite often isnt, and you have children to consider. Keep posting 
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fayewick
member
Reged: 08/07/2009
Posts: 19
Loc: kent
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blimey thankyou so much , unfortunatly i have talked him about 3 yrs ago i went out for a drink with friend ,i enjoyed it so much at the end i just started to cry because i didnt want to go home , when my friends finally talked me around i went home , i deciced to tell my oh how i felt , he just blanked me and said it was all in my head and that i was acting like hysterical teenager , well apart from that we did get on a bit better that , we never argue ,we talk freely about the children ,work holidays money now if i start to talk about the horrible bits he walks off in a huff and in all tense and purposes we look ok ,but there is hugh part of me saying hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what about me , then there is another part saying you selfish mare be gratfull for what youve got , so im in a lose lose situation arnt i ???????
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life is what you make it ,
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MOTHEROFPEARL
member
Reged: 17/02/2008
Posts: 366
Loc: gravesend kent
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hay fayewick told these girls would give you warm friendly good advice , welcome to the forum hon ,told you ages to go on here ,lol guess i wont see much of you now ,
good luck hope it works out for you , ive told you what i think ,but i do understand that as a mate i understand i might be to close to the situation ,listern to my friends
ttfn
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Teresa x x
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aec13cat
member
Reged: 08/01/2009
Posts: 3111
Loc: N. Ireland
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Hi and welcome to the forum.
Just sending you some words that I think are very good.
Life is not a rehearsal - you only have one chance at it so every moment and every second of every day counts. You need to be happy and feel you are loved by your OH - you should be very special in his life and he should want to treasure you. From reading your post I don't think he does any of these things and doesn't really want to communicate when you try to talk about your concerns. I hope the advice on the forum helps.
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scottishmags
member
Reged: 24/04/2009
Posts: 1322
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Hi and welcome to the forum
If your marriage was happier at one time, and you still want to save it, could the two of you go to Relate ( new name for Marriage Guidance ) ? Then you could express what's making you unhappy without being told you are hysterical or him walking away. If your OH values the relationship he will be willing to go, even if reluctantly; if he won't go he is sending you a message about how little your feelings matter,isn't he?
He really does need to listen to you and you need to be heard, but after a drink is not the best time..
Mags
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jamjams
member
Reged: 09/01/2009
Posts: 1174
Loc: geordieland
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Welcome to the forum Fayewick! I am so sorry you have joined us under such circumstances.
I really can't add much more to what the other ladies have said, except do you love and respect yourself?
The reason I ask this is I have only found out recently how this impacts on how others see you
please take care
jamjams x
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buckup
member
Reged: 08/04/2008
Posts: 156
Loc: whitstable Kent
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Hello. I agree with all that has been said and am highly qualified to give a point of view............I've been there and have moved on.
My ex and I went to relate and other councelling and he was so arrogant it really upset me.
My advice would be taken from my own experiance and no 2 experiences are alike. I stayed in my sour marriage far too long because I thought I could pull us through, I thought I could make my ex want to be with me (he spent 90% of histime doing his own thing .. expensive.hobbies) I used to visit my father once a month and used to cry most of the 2.5 hour drive home and when I got home (2 night s away) he never even looked up from the TV.
years went by and finally I met another man who shares my passions for all sorts of things (mostly sailing!!) and he persuaided me to leave. We have been together for 3yrs now and he makes me feel so special. He tells me he loves me all the time and life is wonderful.
HOWEVER my ex had a nervious breakdown after I left and tried to commite suiside and I am going through a nasty stressful divorce because ex wont do anything about it so its lawyers against lawyers!!! My children are grown up but it's still been an emotional time for us all.
Please be strong and remember what we are ALL saying ...YOU need to be happy and not living a misserable life. You children what ever age will go through hell BUT they will survive........VERY VERY good luck from the bottom of my heart but you must do what is righ for YOU. xx
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 6211
Loc: runcorn
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hi fayewick
I think you answered it with your tag line. Life is what you make it. If you want a big hole in your life then carry on. If you want to fill the hole, then you can either try and get him to see what has happened. Maybe if you thought you were serious about leaving then he would wake up a bit to the dullnes of your married life.
You only get the one chance of a good life, don't mess it up. Try your best with your O/H, but if he can't make you happy, then you have to look after yourself and live the life you should.
Chilla x
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I have the talent of single-minded determination and foc....hey, look, dog!
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fayewick
member
Reged: 08/07/2009
Posts: 19
Loc: kent
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thankyou ladies ,i will think over what you all said and think about my future , i will update you every now again ,
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life is what you make it ,
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 556
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Quick comment - I agree and support all the other comments here. But jsut to say that I think a condition he has to meet if he (note HE!!!!) is to save you marriage (since he's the one damaging it at the mment) is that he gives up the porn.
Porn and marriage are no-nos. You ca't have the two together. Porn may (just!) be acceptable in a young single bacheolor, but never NEVER for a husband. It's a sign that something is wrong inside his head.
I appreciate that may be an extreme view, but I'd feel absolutely revolted by a man who used porn.
Hope things resolve. Many men are emotionaly dysfunctional (I blame their mums!!!! ) and find it impossible to confront their emotional and psycholgoical problems - hence the 'blanking' you are getting.
Another option for you is to 'divorce within marraige' - ie, you stay together, enjoy the good bits you do have, but you too lead your own life. You do your own things, have your own hobbies and amusements, and leave him be.
All the best, sorry for rather unstructured reply - Julie.
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 6826
Loc: Leicestershire
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You now need to take a dispassionate look at your life, if you can.You have so many needs that aren't being met.We need to have our needs met in order to function well as a person.
I would explain to him about your needs not being met, and tell him that they are vital and that there fore you want the end of this marriage because you cannot live like this.
I found your description of intimacy that hurts, alarming.Why should you be hurt?
Above all remember that we are responsible for what we allow someone else to do to us.We are.
It will be a long hard road, but there will be a better life for you.You have to walk towards it.
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Cadenza
member
Reged: 11/06/2009
Posts: 59
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No one has the right to hurt you emotionally or physically.
YOU are the only person who can make YOU happy. If you are not happy you need to do something about it.
When Iwas going through my bad marriage my best friend asked me one question that made my mind up for me. It was... ' Can you see yourself growing old with this man and spending your old age with him' The idea repulsed me. It took me another three years to pluck up the courage, but I knew what I had to do. Ask yourself that question and maybe that will help you find an answer. Good luck
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jacqui_o
member
Reged: 15/10/2008
Posts: 834
Loc: Lowestoft Suffolk
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Hi Fay and welcome to the forum,
he will not deal with it because ot do so mean he has to face the reality that he knows........if this is brought out into the open and discussed or professional advice sought then action has to be taken by him....which he clearly does nto wish to do.
he also knows exactly how you feel and that he is in very grave danger of you leaving....
firstly can I make a suggestion, you go and seek counselling for yourself in the frist place.....it will help you greatly on several fronts...
2ndly have you considered making an alternative life within the one you have?
You are nto being selfish in the slightest.... we all deserve to be happy and we all deserve respect....
he can only treat you that way if you allow it....you are worth more and deserve more...
is it possible that you could sleep in two seperate rooms? if not I would ditch the double bed and get twin beds....... that is making a clear statement on your side and also sending him a clear signal...
ask him..... NO
must admit as for the porn i would get rid of it all.......if he pays for it i would get ride of what every system it is delivered through...
I hope that you find the inner strength that you have to change things round to your benefit...
good luck
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Scarlets
member
Reged: 01/04/2007
Posts: 1889
Loc: Just across the pond
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Welcome Faywick
What you are asking for is just normal. Everybody want affection, love from their partner.
We dont all marry the person who is exactly like us, but we grow to like the same things, to do the same things as well as having our own little individual likes and dislikes.
Let's hope this holiday will bring a little spark into his boring life. You never know, it might do the trick
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