lesley28
member
Reged: 27/06/2009
Posts: 29
Loc: monmouthshire
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This is my first message on the forum, I have just became aware of it through my daughter, we are both Women and Home addicts.
I am going through what I never imagined would ever happen to me, and so devastated Its difficult to imagine the future.
I thought my husband and I were happily married after 33 years he was my best friend and soul mate, until 13th May when he came home from work to tell me he didnt love me or want me anymore.
I was devastated and had to leave my full time responsible job to go to stay with my brother and family to try to get my head around what was happening. Then on returning after 2 weeks I came home to find divorce papers waiting for me. I forgot to say that in Feb this year our 31year old son was diagnosed with testicular cancer and with that sudden news I felt nothing could be worse. I supported and nursed our son through 3 difficult months, and thank fully his last scan which I went with him for the results, was clear, then to return home from the hospital, to find the divorce papers, I felt was the end for me.
We are living in the same house waiting for it to sell as he has put it on the market, and have so much I feel that he is throwing away, however, he obviously doesnt feel the same.
We have a lovely home, 2 grown up children and a beautiful 3year old granddaughter, and another due any time. This is keeping me going.I have asked him if we can try to sort out whatever is wrong as I love him and dont want this, but he wont listen and now has hurt me so much.
He says that I am stupid not seeing it coming over the last 3 years but I honestly didnt. He is telling everyone that there isnt anyone else but ther soon will be!
I have been to counselling sessions which help, but I feel so lonely even though my work collegues, and family have been very supportive.I havent got any close friends as my life mistakenly revolved around him.
I cant believe hes done this to me, and there is no proper explaination, my head has played somersults trying to find a reason.
I need lots of hugs and support at this difficult time. 
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cherrypie
member
Reged: 28/01/2009
Posts: 316
Loc: SW Wales
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Oh Lesley I am so sorry it is totally devastating no matter how long you have been with them.
Being a lousy picker i am on my fourth ( and last hubby) when I met him i was 45 and a life full and happily single. Just hold on to the fact that you will be able to have your home just the way you want it - you can please yourself - I always found redecoration a fantastic boost. It must be so difficult with him living there can you not make a division one floor each until the house sells?
The best way is to join a club to make friends - am dram - learning a language, a new skill wehatever. You are in charge of your own life now and can do what you please - you have no reason to consider the louse in any way - spoil yourself - indulge your self with your grandchildren - at present you are a chrysalis after 33 years as a caterpillar - now you can emerge as a beautiful butterfly.
Your old dreams have faded only to make way for new and exciting dreams.
Cherry
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Age is mandatory - growing up is optional
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Bizibee
member
Reged: 25/03/2009
Posts: 613
Loc: North Wales
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Oh dear Lesley,
I am ever so sorry to read about your problem. What a bolt from the blue that must have been for you. I can't imagine how absolutely devastated you must feel emotionally. You are obviously going through very troubled thoughts, anger, sorrow, hate, despair and loneliness I guess in a way. After all, you have 'lost' your other half of over 30 years. It's also sad that your life revolved totally around him which now means that you have no close friends to turn to. We ladies on the Forum do try to give emotional support to those who are in dire need, as you indeed are. I am sure you will get plenty of responses to your post and I am so glad that you had the courage to write about your sadness.
May God bless you and help you get through this.
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amelica2
member
Reged: 21/07/2008
Posts: 6139
Loc: Never Never Land
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Lesley28
So sorry to hear what an awful time you are having, but you have come to the right place for support, and understanding! Loads of women have probably been, and are going through, similar circumstances and can offer a wealth of help, advise and lots of hugs!
Ive been through divorce, but have re-married. Have 2 grandchildren, aged 3 and 1 - they are the apples of my eye - your children and grandchildren will keep you going, believe me!
Wishing you lots of luck and also welcome to the forum.
amelica2
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Practically perfect in every way
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Mochashosh
member
Reged: 16/02/2009
Posts: 276
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Lesley, I honestly don't know what to say to you, but I can see how much pain you are in, and send you a huge (((((HUG)))))).
If your husband is not able to discuss whatever is wrong, I am afraid that is his lack of skill, not yours, so you must not feel responsible. The classic thing is 'you must have seen it coming'. Why???? Are you suddenly a mind reader? And if he had been having doubts for three years, surely he should have raised them earlier.
What I am saying is that this is not your fault. He has hurt you immesurably, but not, I am sure, because he intended to wound, but rather because he wants to avoid confrontation.
A very similar thing happened to a friend of mine. Her husband left her after 30 years of marriage after she had nursed him through cancer. A couple of years later, I saw him in a magazine being photographed with a (comparative) dolly bird. She took things very hard, but rejoiced in her little grandsons, and found herself a voluntary job. Like you, she was an intelligent, articulate woman who had worked for the diplomatic service. Her life was torn apart, but she is rebuilding it, and one day you will too.
Actually, it's also happening to another friend of mine who was married for 20 years, and who is one of the most intelligent, caring human beings you could meet, so you are not alone at all.
Focus on your family for now, and when you are ready, find some things in the outside world that bring you joy. And please send me a personal message if you would like to.
You are in my thoughts.
Mochashosh.
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wispa
member
Reged: 16/01/2008
Posts: 3681
Loc: Suffolk,
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So sorry for you
but...
experience says you have done nothing wrong. And could still be happy, except..
I suspect there is another woman putting ideas into his head.
Fingers crossed it will all work out. But be sensible, you need to start looking out for you.
I really do hope it works out, but be prepared.
big big hugs
..wispa
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lesley28
member
Reged: 27/06/2009
Posts: 29
Loc: monmouthshire
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Thank you for your reply and support.
Lesley x
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scottishmags
member
Reged: 24/04/2009
Posts: 1344
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Dear Lesley
I am so sorry you are going through this; I haven't myself but two close friends have, and sadly I feel that another is just about to.
Your children and grandchildren will be even more important and, as you say, will keep you going. With one lovely grandchild and another on the way there will be lots of cuddles, which is what you need. It's time for your children to look after you for a while and I'm sure they will.
Do come on here for a chat whenever you need to and when you're ready I'm sure there will be a chance to meet up with some ladies from the forum who won't know you in your past life but welcome you as a new friend.
Take care of yourself
Mags
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Thimble
member
Reged: 04/12/2008
Posts: 4343
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lesley28................. I am so stunned at the devastating news you have been given especially at a time when you had your son to worry about as well.
I just don't know what to say to you as no words on this earth will help you work out where it went wrong. All I can say is that we are all here for any support, comfort and from some who have been there, advice.
My thoughts are with you and with the strength of all of us YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT.
Take care................... thimble
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cecilia55
member
Reged: 29/02/2008
Posts: 327
Loc: South London
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Lesley here's a welcome to the forum and big hug from me.
I have been married for 34yrs and would be totally devaststed if that happened to me.
So glad your son has the all clear and hope your daughter lives nearby. Do you see your grandchildren regularly as they will help keep your spirits up.
Keep strong and know that we are here for you.
Cecilia xx
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suziedee
member
Reged: 21/05/2009
Posts: 562
Loc: Cumbria
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So sorry to hear your bad news. Everything must look very difficult at the moment, try to live one day at a time and try to include one thing just for you even if it is only a relax in the bath and congratulate yourself for getting through each day.
Good luck.
Suziedee
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rugby_mother
member
Reged: 28/06/2009
Posts: 15
Loc: Newmillerdam, Wakefield, West ...
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Hello Lesley, I imagine you must be feeling very hurt and confused
I'm not sure if this will help, and I hope you do not feel it is insensitive but I offer it as an opportunity to gain some insight and make some sense of your current situation. Perhaps it may be useful to be able to view the other side of the piece of paper. In September 2008 I decided to leave my 32 year old marriage, when the youngest of our four children went to university. My husband was shocked and devastated by me decision and still finds the situation hard to accept. He did not see it coming at all.
I have been quite unable to articulate to my husband my exact reasons for leaving, because despite being very unhappy in my marriage and not loving him as my husband i do still care about him as a member of my family and do not want to say things which will hurt him any more than I have done already..
In our situation a degree of resentment had built up over many years. This resentment colours everything we think, say and do within the relationship. We find we are unable to articulate our own needs,hopes and desires often because we have developed unhelpful ways of communicating, particularly when we have had teenage/adult children living at home.
Certainly in my situation there was no other person involved, in many respects it would have been easier for me if there had been. It is by far the very hardest and most painful thing I have ever had to do. It has not brought me happiness, but huge guilt and at times despair-but still I do not regret my decision.
I genuinely hope my husband finds happiness in the future with someone who can love him in the way I cannot. I also hope and believe that one day I will meet someone with whom I can build a positive, mutually rewarding and loving relationship
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gumpenscot
member
Reged: 17/06/2009
Posts: 502
Loc: Germany
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Lesley,
I'm sorry to hear about your break up. It can't be pleasant having to see him every day so hopefully your house will sell soon so that you can reinvent yourself and start afresh.
Be strong,
gumpenscot x
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Splash123
member
Reged: 04/05/2008
Posts: 4098
Loc: South Glamorgan
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If this is his decision and he wants "out" shouldnt he have the decency to rent a place and leave you in peace? I am dreadfully sorry for you and I too have been there .....many years ago now. But I feel perhaps you should start stating what you want and start to think of you. Can he put the house up for sale without your permission? ........get over it and get angry and mad.....he shouldnt be doing this but if he is set on it.....get him out from under your feet and start getting tough.....even if it is an act and you are crying inside.....
I really do feel for you and wish you all the very best but I am sure if you start taking control and making some demands yourself you will feel stronger .....all the very best ....you will survive ....and welcome to the Forum
Big Hug
xx
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http://www.visitcardiff.com/What-to-do-and-see.html
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gre1958
member
Reged: 15/08/2008
Posts: 1093
Loc: Staffordshire
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lesley28
I have no words of wisdom just to say sending you hug - maybe/hopefully a mid life crisis ?
Whatever the outcome you will come through - you have your children and think for now have been through more than your share of troubles - time for you I feel - let him go make a complete fool of himself which is how it is sounding to me - and IF he comes back begging with tail between his legs make sure you tie it up good and fast so he falls over hard !
maybe that's just what he need a jolt up the bum
see told you no real words of wisdom just trying to make you smile even just a little XX
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marina
member
Reged: 14/08/2008
Posts: 2581
Loc: "On the rocks....somewhere!!!"
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Hi Lesley,
Welcome to the forum.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Reading through your post, I am concerned for you. You say Divorce papers were waiting for you on your return? Now, I don't believe the law has changed yet over "Grounds For Divorce" and I think to divorce you your husband will have had to cite one of these...
"Adultery. Your spouse has committed adultery and you find it intolerable to live together.
Unreasonable Behaviour. Your spouse has behaved in such a way that you cannot reasonably be expected to live together.
Two-Year Separation With Consent. You have been separated for 2 years and your spouse agrees to divorce.
Five-Year Separation. You have been separated for 5 years.
Desertion. Your spouse deserted you more than 2 years ago. We strongly recommend that desertion is avoided. If you want to base your divorce on desertion you may require a managed divorce.
Adultery. Your spouse has committed adultery and you find it intolerable to live together.
Unreasonable Behaviour. Your spouse has behaved in such a way that you cannot reasonably be expected to live together.
Two-Year Separation With Consent. You have been separated for 2 years and your spouse agrees to divorce.
Five-Year Separation. You have been separated for 5 years.
Desertion. Your spouse deserted you more than 2 years ago. We strongly recommend that desertion is avoided. If you want to base your divorce on desertion you may require a managed divorce. "
Whatever grounds has he come up with to divorce you???
I agree with Splashy, he really shouldn't be there but I am well aware that financially it isn't always possible to move out.
I am very uncomfortable with the fact that "He" is selling the house. Surely it is your house too? I am worried that he is dealing with everything financial and legal very quickly, having left you in a state of shock. Please make sure you have a good solicitor on speed dial NOW!!!
Take care of yourself, keep talking to us.
Big hug from me xxxxxx
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marina x
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PatsyW
member
Reged: 28/12/2007
Posts: 2307
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Hello Lesley and welcome. Sorry it's in such sad circumstances.
Great advice from all the ladies, Marina is right about the solicitor. I know it's hard to deal with the practicalities when your heart is in shreds but try to see it as a separate issue. It's just paperwork and doesn't affect anything - nothing legal with stop you getting back together if it's what you want and meant to be - but it could mean a great difference in the future if you allow him to railroad you into anything. Try and make it a priority.
Rugby_mother - thanks for sharing your story. I know a couple of ladies who have felt that way and done the same thing. It such a hard thing to do isn't it?
Keep talking Lesley, loads of ladies on here have been where you are and can help you along the way - which ever path opens up to you.
Hugs.x
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Well behaved women seldom make history.
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lesley28
member
Reged: 27/06/2009
Posts: 29
Loc: monmouthshire
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Thank you every one for your kind words. I am trying to be strong, and have ups and downs.
It is so awful sharing the house with him as you say,but if I asked him to move out I will probably have to pay all the bills.
Yesterday he didnt come home from work until 1am this morning I couldnt sleep with so many thoughts going through my head.I know I shouldnt have got up when he came in but I couldnt help it, I asked him if he had found someone better than me yet, he denies it still and says he was seeing his group of retired friends from work
I begged him to talk to me about what I have done wrong but he just says he doesnt love me and doesnt want me anymore.He shut his bedroom door in my face and wouldnt talk.
I have got a day off of work today, and usually so house proud but its taken all that out of me which is so sad.
Thaks Everyone Lots of hugs back.
Lesley xx
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junemc
member
Reged: 12/02/2009
Posts: 886
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Dear Lesley, I feel so much for you and what you are going through. I am sending you lots of positive thoughts and major HUGS, because I think that is what your need.
I think most people on here have said all that is to be said, so they all go for me as well. Apart from the fact that as I read your post, I was thinking exactly the same as Wispa, that someone is putting him up to this and it has to be another woman. Your know what they say, life is always greener on the other side (or seems that way).
You have to look after yourself and take advantage of the thought that your family are behind you and goodness knows what their thoughts are about their father.
You have supported your son through the worst possible time and have come through that and all credit to you. You will survive this, it probably doesnt feel like it just now, but you are strong, you have proven that.
Sending you loads of positive thoughts and hugs, take care and look after you!! Also, welcome to the Forum!!
June xx
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F1x
member
Reged: 15/07/2008
Posts: 513
Loc: Suffolk
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Lesley 28
Sending you a massive hug.
make use of the sisterhood on here just like I did a year ago.
Its a long and painful journey and you need these wonderful women to be here for you.
You have done nothing wrong
take care of yourself
F1 xx
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There is a beginning within every ending..
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