Furball
member
Reged: 31/03/2008
Posts: 310
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Having just read some of the 'Spark gone' thread, I thought I would ask for my own set of advice....
Having had a child 2 years ago, gained weight, had early an menopause, husband had an affair etc.
I find it impossible to feel intimate with him. He is a nice man, a good man and it was my decision to stay with him.
I just don't feel sexy, I have zero sex drive. Not even a desire to visit Anne Summers!
How do I get back what I have lost?
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 556
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Hi - well, my own take, FWIW (which may be damn all!) is that with a two year old child to look after sex still comes pretty low down the priority list (sleep is probably still the top priority!). But things should gradually start to ease off. You don't say if you are working (ie paid work outside the home!), but if you are, then simply being an employee during the day and a preschooler mum/cleaner in the evening and weekend will just about mop up 99%! of your physical and mental space!
If you are a SAHM mum, or part time employee, then would it be possible at all to run to some nursery care for your kiddie? That would create some 'me time' that could prove invaluable. I know that when I had my son I went back to (paid!) work and it was very hard - what 'broke the strain' for me was dropping one day a week at work, and having that precious day as me time (son stayed in the creche), and it literally got my sanity back again.
This may seem a 'nasty' thing to say, but I think there is a case for saying that mums who have the vast bulk of the baby and pre-school childcare as their responsibility, not their husbands, can feel very resentful of their husbands, and when it comes to husbands wanting sex TOO (ie, as well as having food on the table, child care, your salary coming in, a nice clean house, clean shirts, etc etc!), women can simply say 'no WAY!!!!!' -denying sex (both to yourself and your husband) can, I think, be a stressed mother's way of 'protest' so to speak.
In total, so much has happened in your life recently that is 'anti-sex' - a baby, menopause and husband's adultery - that I am not surprised that you are not prancing around in scarlett knickers!!!
I honestly, honestly would not stress too much about this, about being 'off sex'. We live ina society that is consatantly telling us 'sex, sex, sex - more, more more - better, better, better' all the damn time! But sex is not a consumer good, nor is it compulsory, nor is it a marker of a successful life. It's somethign we do just for fun, for enjoyment, and it should not be the overhwlming 'big deal' that current society says it is.
If you are not happy about it (ie, uninfluenced by the media pressure), then I would say if you can free up some me time to begin with, maybe using some of it to do some exercising (which physically invigorates, as well as improving appearance!), then gradually you may be able to develop 'me time' into 'us time' with your husband. I know it sounds cliched to do things togetther again, with the kiddie 'parked' somehwere else (friends, nursery, relatives - anywhere it's happy), but after all, you started life with your husband as a couple, and living, even for a few hours, as a couple again, can remind you both of just why you chose each other.
Finally, have you thought through, or had counselled through, the possibility that although you have taken your husband back, you have not forgiven him for his betrayal? Buried anger and resentment are not likely to make you feel romantic and sexually attracted to him, so that may be something you need to deal with first. (And it may require HIM to deal with it too! eg, has he 'fessed up' and apologised to you for what he did? Whatever the circumstnaces of what he feels 'drove' him to it, in the end, it was HIS choice whether to have sex with another woman while married to you, and HE has to carry the responsibility for that choice - even if YOU carry some responsibility for having made him even consider choosing adultery, eg, by over-foccusing on your baby, perhaps, and neglecting him?)(that's only 'neglect' if he wasn't pulling his weight on baby-care!)
All the best, and hope things improve before too long - Julie.
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2621
Loc: Somerset
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Can you make time for just you and him? If you're both working and trying to look after home and family then you do forget how to be a couple. Taking a couple of hours out of your routine where you can talk about anything and everything other than the baby, the housework and the bills might really help remind you both how much you mean to each other as a couple. Also have you talked to him about how you feel and how you want things to be back to where they once were? It may be he's equally worried afterall you've both been through a lot in a short time. (The early menopause may be contributing to your nto feeling sexy - see if you can get medical advice on that too).
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