alisonmpg
member
Reged: 19/05/2009
Posts: 31
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Background: Young 53 - widowed 2002 when only daughter aged 10 years. Threw myself into work, settling unknown debts and creating new home on a shoestring budget for the next 3 years. Decided time to make new friends so explored Internet Dating and met 2 men for 2 dates before knowing that I'd found my soulmate (yes I know it all sounds crazyily romantic). Daughter hated him with such depth/anger etc that we sought professional counselling but happy to say that after 3 tough years, she's now accepted and grown into a lovely young lady. The problem is .... soulmate (we live 50 miles apart) started to "distance" himself and be less caring/loving after Christmas and has now said he needs some space and isn't sure of his love anymore. I'm devastated - talked of future dreams and thought we'd grow old together (he has older daughters and good relationship with ex wife). I'm not pushing for marriage, just can't understand how we have reached this point of separation so suddenly. Honestly no arguments or signs (I'm not complacent and do know relationships need working at!). Now feeling so lost and empty. Have to put brave face on for daughter and reassure her (who's felt guilty for being so nasty to him for years). Struggling to hold it together and have talked to counsellor myself, which is great because I can just cry and let it all out, but really need words of wisdom to help me understand what happened. If anyone else says stuff like "plenty more fish in the sea" and "you're still young and attractive" I will scream! Past 4 years have been perfect from my viewpoint (feel disloyal for saying better than 27 years of marriage). Appreciate any comments.
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PatsyW
member
Reged: 28/12/2007
Posts: 2292
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Hello Alison and welcome. Sorry to meet you in such sad circumstances.
Other ladies on here will be more able to help you than me, but thought I'd send you a virtual hug and help to keep your post near the top of the list.
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Well behaved women seldom make history.
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toffeekit
member
Reged: 30/12/2008
Posts: 610
Loc: UK
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This is no help to you at all but - halfway through your post, I cried. Maybe because I've been there (or somewhere like it) and when there are no clues - it's unbelievable, isn't it? We think: what did I do wrong? what did I miss? what's been happening that I've mis-read?
Please don't think YOU could have done anything differently, whatever else you think. We always blame ourselves and that's not the point. You will probably never understand what happened but eventually, you'll come to some understanding that it was HIM; that there were things you didn't know, didn't comprehend, about HIM - and that you could have done nothing else but trust him (until now).
And meanwhile, see your counsellor and cry; and keep your chin up in public because, when things go so badly, we can reward and praise ourselves, at the end of our day, by saying "No matter how bad things got, I <took care of business>"
If you can find it, a book I have loaned to so many friends is "Women and the Blues" . . . I know it's out of print, but try book-search sites, or even Amazon for second-hand copies. Would loan you MY tattered old copy, if I could.
Love and some more tears
Toffeekit
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given up on my Alter Ego - this is reality
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alisonmpg
member
Reged: 19/05/2009
Posts: 31
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Thank you for just saying hello - feels strange to be "connected" to so many strangers but also kind of comforting!
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alisonmpg
member
Reged: 19/05/2009
Posts: 31
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Hello "toffeekit" ??? and thanks for the contact. Yes, a lot of tears are being shed right now and I will probably never know what went wrong but DO know that I will get through for my daughter's sake. It all seems such a waste of two people who seemed to have a lot to look forward to but, even now when it hurts so very much, I do not regret our time together.
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Slicktips
member
Reged: 17/02/2009
Posts: 310
Loc: Cheshire
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Welcome Alison
I'm so pleased you decided to join our forum. Like PatsyW I don't feel I can be of much help to you at the moment, though there are lots of ladies on here who will be able to send some positive help to you and who may have been in the same situation.
I just wanted to bob in and give you a hug and let you know that there's always someone on here ready to listen...think of us as a whole new bunch of friends.
Sorry not to be more help
Slick x
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2621
Loc: Somerset
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There are dozens of reasons why things could have gone wrong but you'll probably never know the full reason (he probably doesn't know himself). I bet it's nothing you've done. Maybe he's just got scared of commitment and is trying to figure out where he sees his life going. All you can do now is give him the space he needs and get on with your life as best you can, make sure you keep busy and fill your hours so there's less time to think. At least you aren't likely to bump into him by accident!
Hope you're ok. We're here if you need to let off steam, have a darn good moan or just want a hug.
Chrissi
x
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Thimble
member
Reged: 04/12/2008
Posts: 4325
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Hi Alisonmpg..................what a sad post and I really felt for you. When you feel you have found your soulmate it must be devastating to then find that he has "changed his mind" for whatever reason. Look into your heart and be honest with yourself. If you did everything you could to make the relationship work, even if it was long distance, then you can hold your head up and know that the fault does not lie with you but with him.
Hard as it is you just have to accept that, for whatever reason, he just does not want to continue. Once you have done that you then have to decide how YOU want your life to go on from here that will make YOU happy.
I wish you all the best and hope you find your way forward that is the best for YOU.
...... thimble
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Optimistic
member
Reged: 14/12/2008
Posts: 88
Loc: SW
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I can identify with your loss – I was married to my childhood sweetheart, whom I dated from 17. But not long after we actually married, he broke up with me.
OK, that was many years ago but I never knew why, he wouldn’t speak to me about it, not once. At first, I felt just like you – totally confused, lost. I thought we had a great relationship that I worked very hard at. How can you begin to understand when you don’t know why? How can you move on when it’s not properly ended? You end up analysing everything and feeling a fool for thinking you were happy.
For me (I was very young) I did meet someone else, got married and had children. My ex doesn’t cross my mind now but I used to wonder if we would ever have the conversation that we should have had, not that it matters to me anymore – but it did.
You may feel very hurt (as I did) because you feel ‘brushed aside’ like a casual date, not a long-term partner. You feel bewildered because he hasn’t acted particularly gentlemanly and moved on in a responsible ‘grown-up’ way.
You can’t make him talk; he may not be good with words, or not want to hurt you – even though his actions are doing exactly that. It’s very hard to get closure and move on.
I remember, the second wave of emotion after the initial shock was, for me, contempt. Because he wouldn’t talk about it, I totally lost respect for him; I felt he behaved like a boy, not a man. And I didn’t want an emotionally-retarded child for a life-partner.
You do need time to go through the emotions, I’m so glad you have spoken to a counsellor who can help you to accept things and move on. Not easy though, is it?
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alisonmpg
member
Reged: 19/05/2009
Posts: 31
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Hello and thank you for contacting me - this is the first time I've ever "posted" on any website forum and, in this case, feel touched by the responses and kind words. Still crying but glimmer of a smile as well!
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alisonmpg
member
Reged: 19/05/2009
Posts: 31
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Chrissi
A big thank you for kind (and wise) words - I think maybe commitment could be an issue but I was quite happy the way we were. Coincidentally I've just had a text saying "could I give him some space" !!! Are you psychic? Will try to keep busy and avoid thinking too much - just hate the early hours of morning lying awake going over and over everything (sorry if I sound pathetic, I'm not behaving normally at the moment). Anway, it's really nice to have support like this 
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alisonmpg
member
Reged: 19/05/2009
Posts: 31
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Hi "thimble" - just wanted to say thanks for responding. I've been searching my heart and really do feel I did nothing wrong so although I miss him so very much, I do have dignity and lots of lovely memories. Just thinking back over some of the shared experiences makes me smile, which can't be all that bad in the grand scheme of things. Anyway, just about to investigate Open University courses in an attempt to stay busy but appreciate your kind words.
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alisonmpg
member
Reged: 19/05/2009
Posts: 31
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Hello and thank you so much for contacting me. It's really nice to hear that others have experienced similar situations and, because we are "strangers" I don't feel bad about going on and on (even with close friends there's a limit to how much heartache they can listen to!), so even though there's a way to go before I reach your own conclusions, I do appreciate the opinions. No, it's not easy right now but maybe 6 months down the line I will be able to look back and be glad of the time we shared
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gigi
member
Reged: 12/04/2008
Posts: 2473
Loc: Hampshire
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Alison, firstly stop trying to keep it together, let it go, better out than in, R E L E A S E, then relax a little and take stock. You will think more clearly after that. Of course you may just tell me to push off. I have broad shoulders.
I used to rage at the furniture, go for a drive late a t night, open my car window and scream at God exactly what I thought of him. The I'd pull over and cry, go home have a hot chocolate and watch a dvd or go to bed wrapped in something comforting.
My marriage ended in violence after thirty years. Bit of a shock.
Anyhow, the distance you have between you both has nade it quite easy to not show his feelings had changed, or what had made his feelings change. Living that far apart for a long time makes it easy for him to turn up, be delightful, put on an act for a few days, then go back to his world. It also make sit easy for you to miss vital signs of change in his behaviour.
I learnt only recently that a man who is looking adoringly at you may actually be weighing you up and making decisions about what he wants. I really recognise that one, but only with hindsight and information.Anyhow these adoring glances mask the reality.
I am reckoning your daughter is quite grown up now. Perhaps as a young girl she recognised something inhim that you couldn't see, or perhaps she just missed her dad too much to acept him. Don't torture yourself over those issues. It's a done thing.
Your future? Not to concern you now. Right now you need to get over the shock and hurt, and let yourself heal. Make no major ,decisions, mark time. And most of all look after yourself
xx G
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alisonmpg
member
Reged: 19/05/2009
Posts: 31
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Wise words, Gigi, and thanks for responding. Yes, time to take stock and take each hour/day as it comes. At work I can be distracted and daughter is on study leave "revising" (whilst on Facebook/eating/listening to music) for AS exams, so she needs time from me as well. It all seems such a waste of lives, when we enjoyed each others' company and got on so well but, as you say, the distance may have been hiding subtle changes that I missed.
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PatsyW
member
Reged: 28/12/2007
Posts: 2292
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Hi Alison
Hope today is good day for you.
Have you chosen your course yet?
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Well behaved women seldom make history.
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 453
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Hi there. I have just started OU Course Making Sense of the Arts. Just 10 point course but really interesting and it helps me cope with other things. I dohope you will recover soon, sometimes things are just not meant to be and theres nothing you can do, iv been there myself. It takes a little step to say ok, lets think of something else to give a buzz and OU Courses can be very good for that, you also get to meet people and iv had a lot of help affording the courses. Very best wishes xx
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leonason
member
Reged: 17/05/2009
Posts: 13
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I'm sorry you're in that situation.. I'm in a good relationship, but sometimes we do drift apart. Have you asked him why he's doing this? Perhaps he's simply not worth it?? If he doesn't love you anymore.. you're worth more than to wait around for him. Life is too short and I would say.. go out and make him see what he's missing!
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2621
Loc: Somerset
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Nothing in life is a waste, it's just another experience that allows you to grow as a person. If he's asking for some space then he's trying to make a decision. Give him the space he needs, if he comes back with a commitment then fine, but if not you've had some great times to remember and you'll have learnt from the relationship. Take time to be you (your daughter will be making her own life in a year or two so make the most of being together while you can), take any opportunities that come along and see where life leads (usually things are for the best in the long run).
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Kezabel
member
Reged: 11/03/2009
Posts: 2624
Loc: Round the Bend
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Hello alison
Can't add any more than the previous ladies but just wanted to see how you are doing and to welcome you to the forum. It's a great place to be amongst some lovely people. Glad you joined us.
Kez x
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