LisaR
member
Reged: 17/12/2006
Posts: 4
Loc: Scotland
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Hi, I have a wonderfully supportive husband, two pretty great kids, a secure job (which in this day and age I should be grateful for) and friends I have had for years...so whats the problem, why are you moaning I hear you say - its just that I don't recognise myself anymore, I was confident, outgoing, made friends instantaneously with strangers and never worried about meeting new people! However now I am forever second guessing myself and worrying that people won't find me interesting and getting tongue tied when meeting new people and never knowing what to say - I hate social events and dread meeting new people - I do suffer from depression but I watch other people mingling and they make it look so easy whereby I am trying desperately to think of things to say when I see people approaching even with my closest friends I feel that I have nothing to contribute to conversations - I just want to be me again and I really don't know how to be me again - sorry to waffle on but I really am at a loss as what to do!
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Optimistic
member
Reged: 14/12/2008
Posts: 88
Loc: SW
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You sound like you’re feeling low (or depressed?) but it’s positive that you want to take action.
Have you vented these feelings to others (friends, husband)? This alone may be enough to boost you. Has something happened that has played with your emotions recently? Is there a reason why you feel low and paranoid? What about speaking to a professional? I’m wondering, too, how long you have felt like this.
I do find as I get older that I have less confidence at times. When I was younger I felt invincible and thought everyone would be interested in what I had to say. I tend to take a back-seat more now; in many ways I care less but I would say I’m not as confident in crowds. And I certainly can’t be fussed to speak to people that I don’t want to.
It’s easy to think that everyone else finds socialising a doddle when the truth is very different.
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jamjams
member
Reged: 09/01/2009
Posts: 1174
Loc: geordieland
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Hi LisaR
Sorry to hear your feeling so down, you say you have had depression before, were the symptoms then similar to how you are feeling now.
I agree with optimistic about talking to you friends, or OH.
You have taken the first step to finding yourself, or indeed reinventing yourself.
You know we have a depression thread on this topic, please post on there if you feel the need.
take care please
jamjams x
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BeauSoleil
member
Reged: 26/03/2008
Posts: 3896
Loc: France
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Hi LisaR welcome to the forum!
I think we all become so many other things that we forget how to be ourselves don't we? We become Mrs so and so or Mr X's partner, then we become so and so's mum and then someone else's mum and eventually we are all these other things and we don't actually have time to be LisaR or the real BeauSoleil. The longer we are the other things means that actually the real us seems a little bit alien when we do find time to become 'us' again!! Does this make sense? I hope so because all that you said made true sense to me.
As optimistic said it's quite easy to believe that others are confident when it's highly likely they re feeling just like you!! (and me!)
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devondumpling
member
Reged: 10/02/2009
Posts: 470
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The best thing I did to start getting my confidence back when I finally got to do something for ME, when YD had started school, was to start adult education classes. Loads of courses to choose from , so found something I fancied trying, (painting) while Ds were at school.
Actually going was really nerve-wracking. But the first thing the tutor said was that we had already done the hardest part of the course, in walking in to a strange place full of new faces. We were asked to wear name stickers, just for one week, so we could find out who was who. We were all in the same boat and some were very nervous about talking to others. But by drawing everyone into conversation we rapidly gelled into a very friendly group. Even when we couldn't remember names, we knew faces. And the best bit was that I was me. Not D's Mum. Not OH's wife. Not the person who used to work at the Bank.
Just Me.
It was hard, but the best thing I could have done.
LisaR, you are not alone.
DDx
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gre1958
member
Reged: 15/08/2008
Posts: 1086
Loc: Staffordshire
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Morning LisaR
well it is Monday again and am feeling like I could have just written the very words you have -
the weather is vile and feeling more than a little sorry for myself ..
Do hope you are feeling lot better today and am raising my mug of tea in support !! lots of lovely ladies here and they always help and manage to make us all smile in the end
Chin up and take care and don't be too hard on yourself .
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PatsyW
member
Reged: 28/12/2007
Posts: 2292
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And there was me thinking it was just me! LisaR you have come to the right place 
I remember feeling just as you describe, and Beau you said it exactly as I felt it.
It's one of the reasons I joined the forum, and being here has helped a lot. Just "talking" to people on here gave me a confidence boost.
Then I joined a supper club, it was a new one so we were all strangers. Over a year later we're still going strong and those ladies are now my friends.
I also went to big gatherings at Covent Garden, York, and helped to arrange the Manchester Meet Up. Now when I walk into a room full of strangers I know that I can hold my own. Obviously I feel a bit nervous but not the tongue tied me I used to be.
You'll find yourself again LisaR, you've just taken the first step!
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Well behaved women seldom make history.
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2621
Loc: Somerset
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I think if we were honest most of us would admit to the same worries as you've got. Those people who look so confident are no more confident than you - bet they think you're the confident one.
Supper clubs are a good way to find some confidence again. You've spoken to people on here so they won't be strangers and everyone is really welcoming and friendly.
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jamjams
member
Reged: 09/01/2009
Posts: 1174
Loc: geordieland
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Hi again LisaR,
I only posted briefly yesterday due to time restraints.
I do think at certain times of our lives we lose ourselves, we aren't the person we were in our 20s or teens, but may still have their aspirations buried deep. As Beau pointed out we become someones wife, partner or mother. And often get taken over by these roles.
Years ago I had a wonderful group of friends, but they often did exactly the same things to socialise every week. It often involved large amounts of alcohol, and very late nights.
I was in a serious relationship, and didn't like getting drunk every weekend. My mum advised me then that some friends
we have for life, but some we grow out of. I didn't break friends with those girls and I am still in touch with them but I just don't join them on the town every weekend.
I think what I'm trying to say, you may not be the same LisaR
you may have evolved, into a new LisaR who just needs a way to express herself.
please stay in touch
jamjams x
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cornish_girl
member
Reged: 28/12/2007
Posts: 125
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I too sometimes feel "Lost" but at 48 have put it down to menopausal symtoms, anyone else link it to age.
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ValC
member
Reged: 23/09/2007
Posts: 204
Loc: York
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I think you're right about the menopause. I went through a bad phase of feeling lost. I think we get so caught up in doing things for/around our children that when they leave home we lose our sense of purpose.
I joined the forum and started a supperclub and have met some lovely ladies. I decided that I was going to say yes to as much as possible.
So take a deep breath and go in there with a smile on your face.
ValC
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dsc2411
member
Reged: 18/03/2008
Posts: 21
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I recognise myself so much LisaR in your description. I'm not sure of your age, but I also put it down to the menopause. Hopefully I am through it now, but the feelings of anxiety, "can't cope" and bad memory were very hard to deal with. I would have conversations with friends, and then afterwards endlessly go over them in my head to see if I had upset someone or said something I shouldn't have!
All these feelings are listed as symptoms of the menopause - so depending on your age - it could be an indication that it really is not your fault, and also not depression. I know I feel a lot better now, and a lot less anxious. Unfortunately I still have to work hard at remembering things! and the middle aged spread seems determined to stay!
Julie
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LisaR
member
Reged: 17/12/2006
Posts: 4
Loc: Scotland
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Thanks everyone for replying I really appreciate it and don't feel as alone as its good to know I am not the only one that feels the way I do! Things have gone from bad to worse unfortunately - I have been off work due to severe depression and although seen by Occ Health and my work being advised as not being fit to return to work at the moment I was informed if I do not return back to work by a certain date then I will be dismissed!!! I asked to be considered for redeployment but was pretty much told no, if I am not back then thats that! I am at my wits end talk about kicking someone when they were down! I am being seen by a CPN and undergoing Cog Behaviour Therapy and trying to get well enough to return to work and don't know what else they want me to do!!! Sorry to be all doom and gloom any advice would be appreciated!xx
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mackie
member
Reged: 15/06/2009
Posts: 33
Loc: Chennai India - waiting for th...
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Hi LisaR
There are several herbal preparations that could help you with the way you feel - I tend to trust them rather than chemical meds, unless I have to take them.
I wouldn't worry too much about the possibility of getting laid off - you are more important than that. I don't know what age your children are, but if they're working age they could contribute more - if they're young, then you can get help with bills and a little extra from the Government too. there's nothing wrong with that at all - you need help and they can provide it. It's not as if you've been a sponger - far from it. So financial help is there if you find you need it - use it, don't be afraid to.
When the time comes that you can rejoin the workforce, (if you do find that you get laid off) perhaps do something different than you work at, at present, because once you're feeling well (and YOU WILL) a new start in your work life might just be the ticket.
I wish you the very best- and on a website full of women, know right here and now that you are NOT the only one feeling like this, believe me!
:-)
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last night I had the strangest dream I've ever had before - I dreamed that all the world agreed to put an end to war....
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bunnygirl
member
Reged: 30/08/2008
Posts: 720
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Lisa R
You should check out your employment rights with the Citizens Advice Bureau ( if you have them in Scotland). Or you could look on their web site as it has a lot of useful information on there- I know some laws are different in Scotland.
Take care
Bunnygirl
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