jamjams
member
Reged: 09/01/2009
Posts: 1174
Loc: geordieland
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In recent days there has been lots on here about self confidence and esteem or the lack of it.
I decided to post this because I heard something today about Darren Day.. he says now he is 40, he doesn't recognise the man he was. I wondered if this happens with us.
For myself the answer is yes, I don't recognise me now from the person I was 2 years ago. I do thinki t is especially difficult for women as we have to fulfil so many roles.
Career girl, mother, cook, housemaid, lover, daughter.
I know in my life, I have been guilty of believing I was the role I was doing. If anyone asked me who I was?
I would say teacher and gym coach. That doesn't say anything of me its what I did. And coming to terms with not doing that anymore was very difficultmentally and physcially.
I then be came an illness, I wasn't me, I was how's the back today? After about a year of this I became extremely hacked off, especially as I knew I was never going to be the person I was.
So how many of us are guilty of saying when we are asked what we do, not who we are!
And if we are guilty of this when a certain role ends, eg kids fly the nest, isn't it understandable that we lose our ways
personally at the moment I think I'm at a crossroads, I am not the person I was but I don't know who I want be
( which is quite a scary place to be)
to those of us with esteem issues I hope this helps
jamjams x
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 6190
Loc: runcorn
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Hi Jamjams
I think it would be worrying if we could recognise the people we were 20 or 30 years ago in our currnet lives. In another 20 years Darren probably won't recognise himself as he is now.
For me that is always the best thing about ageing. I'm not planning on rushing the process you understand, but i like to be able to see how I've changed. Less unsure about myself - I mean when I was 20 I would wonder if i would meet someone, what would I dofor a job, how did people cope with life. Well now I know that I can sustain a relationship, so that means I can in the future when Mr C finally shuffles off, I can run a business and can do an awful lot more than I think really as most of us can. How do people cope with life, well they just get on and do their best.
I think people do get hooked on what they do and then create the person round it. I can't actually tell people most of what I do, so I get to almost play with my job description, or be economical with the description. And the more diverse your friends are the easier it is to be someone else and I think that helps to not become hooked on that one part of your life. To one truck owning friend, I'm a haulier, to old school friends I'm old!!!!  but part of their and now their family's history, to others I'm dancing Chilla, to another that I met at a diet group, I'm a dieting buddy.
I suppose that doesn't tell me who I am, but then I don't think I'm one person. Maybe it's about balance?
Jamjams acouple of years ago, I was really tryig to change a lot of things and it wasn't simple or quick, but with perseverance I got to make some decisions. I'm not exactly where I want to be, but I'm happy with the idea that I'm getting there.
Chilla x
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I have the talent of single-minded determination and foc....hey, look, dog!
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Thimble
member
Reged: 04/12/2008
Posts: 4322
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I am not the person I was 5 yrs ago nor even 5 months ago. As our lives move on and change we change also but sometimes we just don't realise it at the time.
I am a firm believer that at different points in our lives we reach "crossroads" where we have to decide exactly what future path we are going to take. This enables us to understand ourselves better. There are times though that we just cannot decide which path to take so carry on as before until another opportunity arises.
As to "who we are". I hate it that when we get married we seem to lose some of our identity by becoming a wife. Like when you are introduced by your OH to someone. It is never "this is Jean, my wife" but always "this is my wife Jean". To me this makes a big difference. Then we become "Barry's Mum Jean" Not "Jean Barrys Mum". Again you, the person, are mentioned last as though the important person is Barry's mum not Jean.
This is has always been a soapbox issue with me. I never ever want to lose my identity. I AM JEAN, BEFORE I am anyone's wife or mother. Sorry but I get so cross.........
I will climb down now.................
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independent
member
Reged: 14/10/2007
Posts: 239
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I think we can lose our way when we invest too much of ourselves in any one area or person, when for whatever reason loss of employment, partner children fleeing the nest can result in a loss of purpose and self esteem.
The key seems to be maintainig a balance in life so that if one area of life changes you have other area that will sustain you,
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womanj
member
Reged: 31/03/2009
Posts: 86
Loc: Liverpool
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Hi jimjams,
Have you heard of the book, The Secret? by Rhonda Byrne
It's about the law of attraction. It has helped me so much discover why things happen in our lives. I have it in audio form on my ipod and listen to it walking to work in the mornings.
I'm sure it would help you feel more positive. It has turned my life around. I don't think negative thoughts ANYMORE; it's not worth it.
When people ask me me who I am, I just say I'm a happy person!
Think good thoughts and you will get good things.
Womanj x
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Optimistic
member
Reged: 14/12/2008
Posts: 88
Loc: SW
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I do understand where you’re coming from. I have just stopped being mum 7 days a week as now both my children are at school full-time. My friends are either working full-time or have young children at home.
I work too (3 mornings a week) so where do I fit in? I don’t want to visit my friends with toddlers at home; I’ve just left that place and can’t face it at the moment.
Being on my own is still a novelty and one I love, I have great pleasure in not having to talk to anyone.
A small part of me resents that I almost forgot who I was for ten years, my 30’s were a whirlwind, spent meeting everyone else’s needs. I’m different to that 29yr old carefree girl that I was when I first became a mum, that’s a good thing I guess.
I want to move on, not sure where/how. I’m planning to take up Yoga and am thinking of studying again - without taking on too much.
I’ve been nothing but a mum for ten years, whilst also being a wife, teacher, friend, daughter, sister, auntie. I want to be me (whoever she is)… for my 2 days off, at least.
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Clare3040
member
Reged: 17/03/2008
Posts: 3
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I am also at a stage when I could ask myself,who am I? My eldest son left for University in September 250 miles away after a traumatic couple of years at home. At first it was a relief that he had left home and I hoped that he would enjoy Uni life a make friends I really relished the peace and quiet at home without the constant arguing. Now, however, I do miss him, especially as he doesn't seem to have settled well and made friends, he just seems to stay in his room in Halls. He has done the work and got good grades but does not seem to have a social life. I can't help worrying about him, especially as he says he doesn't want to come home for the summer, wants to stay there and get a job, but nothing sorted yet.
My youngest son is 15 and doesn't want much to do with me now, he does his own thing and although not socialble is happy with his own company. I feel redundant now and really don't know what to to, I wish I could just stop worrying about the both all the time.
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fayewick
member
Reged: 08/07/2009
Posts: 19
Loc: kent
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im very much in this stage ,as so many of you have said im a mum daughter,friend,wife ,coleauge at work , cook bankmanager , what about me , why does this come and hit us under the chin as this time of life , its a very strange place to be , at10 i didnt care at20 i wanted get married and have babies at30 i was tierd but content at 40 i want out from all of this but to what ,???????? over the yrs i feel that everyone has taken just a little bit of me to point where i have nothing left to give ,and now i want to start to take controll ,but how
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life is what you make it ,
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 6190
Loc: runcorn
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Get out and find something you like to do and then make it yours, wether you start throwing pots and sell your ceramic creations at a Xmas craft fair, spend an hour every day cramped in an alcove writing your great novel or take up line dancing, do something for you, that doesn't involve the family and that you love.
Other people haven't created your identity, you have labelled yourself. Just re-label.
Chilla, a semi-professional bellydancer (started aged 39!  )
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I have the talent of single-minded determination and foc....hey, look, dog!
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kafferlilly
member
Reged: 26/04/2007
Posts: 732
Loc: NORTH WEST
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May I jump in on this conversation.....I can relate so much to what has been said here.....for me the 'questions' started when I started the menopause.....
I could NOT believe the self doubt...ME...!!  ....plus all the other feelings AND not to mention the pain.....  ...
But it was the questions I was asking myself of who I was and what am I now...I know I have changed and I hope in a good way....people do change we all do thats part of life....I also feel that out side influences if I can put it that way also make us question our lives....dont you thinks so too..??
Am I happy....?...yes......am I cotented.....?...yes.....but every so often you have this 'feeling' dont you ? that you should be something more....  ......maybe a hobby....some charity work.....get out on the bike more....
You walk through many doors in life......wife ....mother....home maker.....a colleague....friend.....all things to all people....
I never plotted and planned my life.....I never said by 30 I wanted D..D..D..It just sorted happened......and thankfully it/was not a bad life.....  ....no complaints.....some miss givings on hind sight yes but no complaints....
I'm sorry if this sounds like a dirge.....but I just wanted you to know that your feelings are quite 'normal' and there is not one of us who dont have doubts of one sort or another about our lives....
The belly dancing sounds like fun...... 
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Kaff..x
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