AngelT
member
Reged: 14/08/2008
Posts: 30
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I guess I'm looking for reassurance more than anything. My 20-year old son finds it so difficult to engage with people and almost impossible to make new friends.
He has had to move away for 8 months on co-op with his college, is staying in Dublin (we're from a small village) and I'm so concerned about him.
He had difficulties since he was very young, as he had a language disorder. This sorted itself out, but left him finding it so hard to communicate in the sense of just chatting with strangers, neighbours etc. He was always very isolated at school and was bullied. He has coped tremendously well, is involved in the local youth theatre and loves performing on stage, but when faced with having to make one to one conversation with someone is so awkward and self-conscious. He hasn't made any lasting friends in the youth theatre. I know I can't lead his life for him, but I worry constantly about him, that he is lonely. I did suggest counselling on confidence etc to him at college, but he didn't want to pursue this. Has anyone had a son or daughter like this, and how did they fare out?
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Chelsea
member
Reged: 06/02/2008
Posts: 1308
Loc: Essex
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Hi Angel, I don't have the same experience as you but my son is a similar age to yours and has always struggled due to a hearing problem that he had from a baby which had damaged his hearing permenantly (but not enough to have something 'done') Consequently, his command of English is not great and he still mis-hears all the time. However, I have always tried to take the long-term view in that, eventually he will have to overcome these problems his own way and trying to protect him or prop him up will do him no favours in the long run. This caused me endless agonies of guilt when he failed badly at school - I could have asked for help for him, got him special conditions for exams etc. but I chose not to and then wondered if I had done the right thing when it all went wrong. However, he managed to get back on track and has now through extreme hard work, done v. well at college and been offered a place at his first choice of uni so there is light at the end of the tunnel.
We always knew my S would be different - he doesn't worry about the usual teenage things and couldn't care less about what clothes to wear etc. but he's very confident in his own way and people have always liked his wicked sense of humour - he seems to get people to laugh with him instead of at him and I'm sure he is only that way becuase we let him struggle! painful though it was. He was lucky as he has never been bullied and he has a set of close friends - all very similar to him - who all stick together but he knows he won't have them when he goes away to uni.
My H's friend was always bottom of the class at school due to an undiognosed hearing problem when he was young and struggled all his life until he went to uni as a mature student and was top of the class! He found the work a doddle as he was used to working hard.
Going to Dublin could be the making of your son. I know it is hard but when you talk to him about it try to sound as though you expect him to do well 'you will be fine, a resourceful lad like you!' and 'of course people will like you - just be yourself'.
Just show him you've got faith in him - that is all you can do.
Hope it goes well.
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Chelsea x
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SouthernSky
member
Reged: 09/04/2008
Posts: 31
Loc: Very South
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It's not easy trying not to worry, but I think Chelsea might be right in that it could boost his confidence?
A few years ago at work, we employed "year in industry" students who wanted to take a break between leaving school and starting Uni, so they were usually about 18 when they joined us, our student that year was a very shy young girl who would not look you in the eye when trying to have a conversation, she was mixing with all people from all backgrounds and age ranges, and within about 6 months was going out to client sites on her own, and by the time she left us 10 months later had decided that she wanted to be a teacher at secondary school, and was confident enough to hold a conversation with a senior partner.
I know it's not exactly the same - but it might give you some comfort?
C 
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Marchbirdy
member
Reged: 02/04/2008
Posts: 40
Loc: Manchester
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Hi AngelT
Your son sounds lovely and a credit to you. I used to be able to speak in front of assembly at school but would die a death talking one to one with people. Eventually I realised that when meeting new people, only I knew that I was shy so I pretended to be confident and gradually it worked and I was! It may not be that easy for your son but I think that a few more years as an adult and he'll be sorted out. Its amazing the difference a few years make.
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womanj
member
Reged: 31/03/2009
Posts: 86
Loc: Liverpool
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Hi AngelT,
My son moved away in January to Scotland where he has signed a 3 year profession football contract. He is only 16 and was, I thought, completely confident. I was shocked to find that only within only days of moving up there the same lad was crying down the phone to me saying he was lonely and had no friends!
Previously he had been very popular at school and had loads of mates. In fact everyone wanted to be his friend. He is very talented and everyone respected him and was like a big fish in a little pond, so to speak. Moving to Scotland he has found he is, very much, a little fish in a huge pond.
He has been there nearly 5 months and is just making friends now but it has been heartbreaking hearing him feeling so lonely. Football is seriously competitive and I suppose the lads were suspicious of any new signing.
What I'm saying is you have to let your son go and make his own way and I'm sure he will make friends in the long run. I bet he'll surprise you.
It is very hard for us parents to hear our child hurting but they must be brave and follow their dreams even if it means riding the storm in the early days.
Good luck
Womanj x
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AngelT
member
Reged: 14/08/2008
Posts: 30
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Thank you all so much for your kind comments and advice. It has helped me feel so much better. I'm going to try very hard not to be constantly advising him what to do, but to let him find his own way, knowing I and his dad are here if he needs us.
Chelsea I hope your son gets on well in uni.
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bookmad53
member
Reged: 29/01/2009
Posts: 43
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Gosh, how eery, I could have written this myself!! My youngest son is 19, a man of very few words, very self conscious,very hard going,even close family find him hard and don't know what's going on in his head. He left sixth form almost a year ago, had a girlfriend for a while but that ended after school ( so kept no friends as he was new to the 6th form-went there from another school). Had a gap year, couldn't get any work as there was none going, but booked a 2 month trip away abroad - one of these gap year projects. So for about 8 months did nothing, drove me mad, slept till lunchtime, stayed up online till the early hours. Lost contact with earlier school friends. Hardly talking to anybody. He's always been a loner, and quite happy with his own company, but I did worry. Gap year was a mistake. I was worried that he would find it difficult abroad, and difficult to mix, but he was determined to go and spent his savings to do it.
Anyway, he finally went 3 weeks ago, I didn't hear any news for a week, worried he would be homesick. HE IS HAVING A BALL!! Not homesick at all, mixing well, no TV, no computer, no IPOD, can only talk!! Doing him the world of good. I feel so thrilled for him. Plus he's working (albeit voluntary) and getting up at 7.00 each day!! I won't worry about him at uni now.
Before he left I did say, yes, you will get out of it what you put in, don't expect it to be brilliant fun by just being there, people won't come running to you if you don't make the effort.
Of course, he'll always be a man of few words but I hope it has helped to bring him out of himself. I also think it has done him good being away from us, particularly me, as like you, I did far too much for him,(mainly because he never got down to anything) and spent too much time advising him. Now he's making his own decisions.
So I think your son will benefit from being away, just wait and see how things go, and he knows you're there for him. It is hard for boys, and for us mums, it does tear us apart to see them with problems, but I agree we have to let them get on with life, and if necessary learn the hard way.
Hope all goes well for your son. xxxxxxxx
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AngelT
member
Reged: 14/08/2008
Posts: 30
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Thanks for this Bookmad53, sounds like they're two of a kind alright. I hope your son has a wonderful time abroad.
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daniel1
member
Reged: 20/03/2008
Posts: 34
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I read with interest these postings as I have just come to share my son's angst too....he is 21,left Uni last year 2 years into his course,split upwith his girlfriend at Xmas,which has really had a devastating effect on him..I have heard him sobbing many nights over the past few months...and she refuses to go out with him again. I don't blame her ...he took her for granted and she supported him through all his tough times financially and emotionally.
He got a job in a finance company and he loved it,only to be made redundant after 2 months. So now he is at home doing nothing except have a go at me whenever I ask how he is or try to talk to him. It seems to be my fault whatever I do . His dad,who I do not live with only talks to him once a week and makes only vague efforts to see him.
He is going to travel around Europe for a month with a friend with his birthday money and a few savings.
My mum and I have saved some money for a deposit for a house for him at some point but I don't know if this is the right time to do it. He needs his own space but he is so horrid to me I don't feel disposed to offer a house to solve the problem. We could rent him somewhere too but with no money coming in is it sensible? I am also going to travel,i hope later this year....5 years after cancer I want to follow MY dreams a little too. It all sounds a mess and I don't see a clear path...any thoughts please?
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