valley
member
Reged: 12/05/2008
Posts: 140
Loc: Lancashire
|
|
Hello
feeling quite low at the moment, especially bad yesterday. My husband and I have seperated, well we are still living in the same house together as we can't afford to do anything at the moment. our daughter is nearly 15 so it is a hard situation. it was my decision as I felt so alone anyway as my oh was always on the pc, nearly all day sometimes unless we went out anywhere. he began talking to to other people (women mostly) on forums and then on msn. It got to the point where he was talking to them more than to me. Doesn't make you feel very good, when your own husband doesn't want to talk to you. Since I said this to him he has now found a friend online who he talks to everyday, knowing he is talking to her is very hard when we are in the same house. I still care about him.
Anyway realised that we are not compatible in a lot of ways, but it seems such a waste of all these years except for our daughter. She is now wanting to do her own thing so it is really hitting me now that I will be on my own. I have never lived on my own before I was married so if I feel lonely now when it hasn't happened yet what am I going to be like when it actually does happen.
My parents live close by so they have been a great help to me. But I don't have many close friends to talk to so it's been really good coming to this forum,
Thanks
valley
|
BeauSoleil
member
Reged: 26/03/2008
Posts: 3896
Loc: France
|
|
Hi Valley, can't do very much to help or make it better but wanted to acknowledge you post. You do sound fed up but I am sure there are people out there. have you tried the walking clubs or supper clubs on here. I have met a group of ladies from here when I was in Uk recently and actually I was able to report home to OH that they are all normal!! Yes all of them were...
--------------------
|
Goingbackwards
member
Reged: 22/08/2008
Posts: 2650
Loc: Isle of Wight
|
|
Hi Valley I have sent you a pm, take care.
H.xx
--------------------
|
Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 8011
|
|
Hi valley
Just to say hello to you. Life sounds tough at the moment for you. I would second Beau Soleil about joining a supper / book / walking club. Everyone I have met has been really friendly and sociable.
Take care
F x.
--------------------
I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou.
|
Doirin
member
Reged: 22/12/2008
Posts: 95
Loc: Ireland
|
|
Hi Valley,
I too just wanted to say hi and sorry for what you are going through and for the days to come.
It is difficult when the life we planned changes beyond recognition.
I know things with your husband seem bleak and perhaps the relationship may end but your life with your daughter is surely a different thing. You say she is almost 15, therefore still just a little girl in many ways and probably hurt and confused about all that is happening. She still needs you very much, sometimes as a taxi driver or personal bank but mainly as her mom - the one who she can turn to when all the rest seems wrong.
I am glad you got family support, it will be needed as things progress.
Sometimes the biggest fears we face offer us the greatest freedom once they have been overcome.
Be nice to yourself.
Take care
Doirin
--------------------
|
marie50
member
Reged: 07/07/2007
Posts: 952
Loc: cleckheaton west yorkshire
|
|
hi valley, maybe it would be best for you to physically separate for a while ? you've obviously thought about this situation a lot and if you feel that you arent compatible anymore, why drag it out for the sake of your daughter ? she'll probably thank you if you do make the break, it must be very stressful for her too. you feel lonely now, how can it be worse if you're on your own ? i'm on my own with my daughter and we have a lovely time together, she sees her daddy every other weekend and quite often during the week too, she has the best of both worlds really, plus i get on with my ex much better now. i know it must be difficult financially but for yours and your daughters sake, you cant really carry on like this. keep your chin up, your daughter will still love you both whatever you decide to do, i'll be thinking of you, i know 100% what it's like.
|
JanieM
member
Reged: 31/08/2006
Posts: 302
Loc: Oxfordshire
|
|
Hi valley,
I have sent you a PM as I have had a similar experience and come through (seven years ago).
keep in touch,
love
J xx
--------------------
Jane X
|
suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 453
|
|
Just to say that we understand lonliness and betrayal. I think you can be a lot lonlier in a marriage where there are incompatible partners than being single again.It hurts doesnt it, when you are on your own you arent being hurt anymore.Your daughter might be glad if you make a descision on it all, she has a lot going on for herself emotionally, and she needs you to be there for her, even if she isnt physically with you all the time! Very best wishes xx
|
Holly_Day
member
Reged: 04/05/2009
Posts: 11
|
|
Hi, Valley,
Do you feel that there would be a chance of a fresh start or has it gone too far for that? It might be worth a last try at couples counselling, e.g. Relate, to see why he has turned to the computer for his emotional needs. If it still fails after that at least you will feel as if you gave it every chance. Then you could go ahead with determination to find a new life for yourself and your daughter.
From experience (my parents split when I was 10) I know it does a lot of harm if the mother and father try to get at each other through their children, so please try to avoid that. I agree with Marie - I think it isn't healthy to try to live separately under the same roof - it puts a lot of strain on you both and that probably prevents you from thinking straight. Your daughter is at a difficult age and I agree with Doirin that she needs your love and support more than ever - they just like to appear independent and prickly on the outside!
Don't regard your years together as a waste - they have been part and parcel of your growth as an individual and your daughter is the most precious piece of that. You can still be thankful for all the experiences even though it's ended differently from how you expected - and I always think there is a reason for the twists and turns that life takes, even though it is not usually obvious at the time what it is. Maybe there's a better partner out there for you, or maybe being single again will help you to aim for something that you wouldn't have done otherwise, and your life might take a very different turn.
Good luck with whatever you decide and have confidence to state clearly what you want.
love
Holly
xx
|
sade
member
Reged: 03/05/2009
Posts: 32
|
|
Hello valley
You really must try to put yourself first for a while. you sound as if its torture living in the same house as your estranged husband. Can't you resolve the housing situation somehow?
Maybe confide in your parents, and they could help. Meanwhile look after yourself, you are in an awful position, but it wont last forever. Keep busy at work, and concentrate on you and your daughter. I hope things look brighter soon.
|
catriona29
member
Reged: 11/01/2009
Posts: 1
|
|
Hi Valley
Know how you feel. My husband and I had a terrible time together - I felt he wasn't communicating with me and suspected an affair - he felt I put my career and kids before him.
We separated nearly two years ago and although it has been incredibly difficult at times, as I have three young children, I wouldn't have had it any other way. For years I put on a happy front but recognise now what a strain the relationship put on me. I became very ill after the split and felt I would be unable to cope.
I can't tell you that my life is easy now but there is a lot more happiness in it.
Staying together is never the right thing to do just for the sake of your kids or to keep up appearances.
If your husband would agree to counselling that might be a way forward - it worked for a friend of mine.
Otherwise I would suggest you take things one day at a time. The fear of splitting up is much worse than the evebt - those who care and suport you continue to do so no matter what.
Thinking of you x
|
chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 6211
Loc: runcorn
|
|
Hi Valley
Great post from Catriona about the positive side of a break up. I'm sure that for the moment things just don't seem to have a conclusion but time will change all of that. Your husband is being very insensitive at the moment, but if you have agreed to seperte, then I'm afraid there isn't much you can actually do about that.
In the meantime, look at ways of increasing your social life the people on here are lovely and normal! (thanks Beau) and just having other people to interact with and broaden your life will help your self-esteem.
Trite as it is, there's a lot of truth in the expression that it's darkest before the dawn.
--------------------
I have the talent of single-minded determination and foc....hey, look, dog!
|
valley
member
Reged: 12/05/2008
Posts: 140
Loc: Lancashire
|
|
Thanks to everyone for all your kind and thoughtful words. They mean so much to me. A great support as i have been low recently.
I know that things can only get better and at least my oh and i are now talking things through and we always want to be friends and not just because of our daughter . We have been together a long time.
Thank you to you all
Valley
|
JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 556
|
|
I think Holly has written wise words - I, too, have a l5 year old, and although in some ways they seem very grown up and independent at that age, they really are still hovering on the edge of childhood, even if they are doing their best to hide that side from their parents!
I wonder if it would help you to set some kind of timetable for yourself. For example, I assume your daughter is in the year before her GCSEs, so I wonder whether saying 'if my marriage doesn't significantly improve by the time she's finished her exams next year, I'm off'. That might stop any sense of drifting indecisively or agonising over the 'do I stay or do I go?' dilemma. In practical terms, too, the housing market might well have picked up by then, and selling the house would be far more possible and hopefully profitable. It would also give you a timescale to prepare your 'new solo life', sort out things like bank accounts, car, all that sort of stuff maybe.
Also, it might just act as a wake up call to your husband! I do think, and perhaps I'm being just a bit jaded here, that men really don't see these splits coming a lot of the time. They blithely go off and do all their boystuff, and have, genuinely, no idea that their wives are on the edge of walking out on them! They have, quite genuinely, no idea they are doing anything wrong! No idea they are not ideal husbands! By making it clear that you will stay, for the coming year, while your daughter gets her key exams done and dusted, that may finally wake him up to what he is doing. And that includes all his 'virtual flirting' or whatever one might call it. At the moment, he's got the best of both worlds - he's got you being the wife at home doing all the wife stuff, and he's got all the cyber-excitement of letting his mid-life crisis have a lovely time on the Internet.
I know a lot of husbands simply refuse to do marriage counselling, either because they don't think there is anything wrong with the marriage (!) or becuase the thought of baring their soul is so terrifying they would rather wetshave dry than talk to a counsellor (!!!). But that doesn't mean it wouldn't be valuable for you. It would allow you the formal opportunity to set out your woes, analyse what has gone wrong, and what your options are, and what your husband would have to do to ensure you don't call 'time' on your marriage for good.
Maybe, by pursing a 'dual strategy' - ie, both preparing to leave your husband and finish the marriage, and, simultanously, seeing if it is salvageable after all, you will find that a firm decision emerges about what your really want to do with the rest of your life.
All the very best to you - Julie.
|
240790
member
Reged: 01/02/2009
Posts: 124
|
|
Hi Valley
Have been thro it too. Do you live anywhere near me? I.m in Caerphilly Send me a pm if you want to keep in touch
x
240790
|
sendacow
member
Reged: 09/06/2009
Posts: 3
|
|
Hey there - I cant say I know how youre feeling as i'm unmarried, however, when you feel youre ready to pick yourself up ..be thankful for all the good things in your life and then apprach a venture that will make you feel good about yourself - thats what i did and i'm now working for a christian based charity called Send a Cow (http://sendacow.org.uk) there are even possibilities to volunteer and hence become part of our Family or our friend ...Cheer up ...God Bless x
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
