amn
member
Reged: 01/05/2008
Posts: 6
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my husbands ex and 2 daughters have closed ranks and said they will not go to my husbands sons wedding if we go. my husband is so hurt! My stepson will not stand up to them so we are not invited to main wedding only to evening do. Any thoughts or suggestions? :
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skippy
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 2119
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Hi amn, does that mean your husband is not invited to his sons wedding? I think this is very sad.
Will his ex and daughters be at the evening do? If so - why cant you go to all of it? If it is a church wedding maybe you could have a word with the priest and ask him to talk to them, or a good friend of your stepson. It is a very selfish attitude to have on his big day.
If this fails then i would remain gracious and dignified and attend when requested - they will end up looking worse.
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[ima ge][/image]
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amn
member
Reged: 01/05/2008
Posts: 6
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They are getting married abroad. We are allowed to go to the evening do back here but they are not pleased about that and am worried they will make a scene! no friends are going just his wife to be, her mum and stepdad and her dad and stepmum and her sister and family!! My husband is so hurt
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Foxie
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Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 8004
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How sad - don't they realise that the day is not about them? it's your stepson and stepdaughter-in-law's special day.........
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I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou.
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skippy
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 2119
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It sounds like they are treating it like a family holiday - but just her family. Whats the point in going if you are not welcome - book a nice weekend away for you two and take your minds off it. Your stepson probably feels awfull about it so try not to show him how hurt you both are - its just one day and you dont want to be estranged from him forever.
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[image][/image]
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Splash123
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Reged: 04/05/2008
Posts: 4097
Loc: South Glamorgan
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Good advice Skippy I would second that ....Keep your dignity do what they ask or you could risk being in a worse position later. Dont get into arguments or bad feeling.
When all the fuss has died down could you ask the Newly weds to a meal at a nice restaurant and wine and dine them and pull out all the stops?
It would be your celebration for their wedding and you could dress up and explain to the management it is a very special evening and they may come up with some thing special too......put your thinking cap on and arrange a special evening yourselves.
xx
Good Luck!
xx
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http://www.visitcardiff.com/What-to-do-and-see.html
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womanj
member
Reged: 31/03/2009
Posts: 86
Loc: Liverpool
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Quote:
Good advice Skippy I would second that ....Keep your dignity do what they ask or you could risk being in a worse position later. Dont get into arguments or bad feeling.
When all the fuss has died down could you ask the Newly weds to a meal at a nice restaurant and wine and dine them and pull out all the stops?
It would be your celebration for their wedding and you could dress up and explain to the management it is a very special evening and they may come up with some thing special too......put your thinking cap on and arrange a special evening yourselves.
xx
Good Luck!
xx
Great advice Splash, just what I was going to suggest!
Good luck
Womanj x
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 552
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It's your stepson and his bride to be's decision as to who they invite.
That said, I can also see why, in some circumstances, your stepson's mother and sisters might not want you or your husband there. Trouble is, I doubt anyone here can comment fairly without knowing just what their grounds for objection are, which, I can only assume (??) go back to the reasons your husband's first marriage ended.
Would one compromise be for your stepson's father to go without you? That way he'd have his dad there, but his mum wouldn't have you there.
But, as I say, in the end it all comes down to why your husband's first marriage ended.
In the end, though, it's what the bride and groom want, and up to everyone else to go along with it - even if it's through silently gritted teeth! - and be publically gracious. Don't spoil the newly-weds' wedding day. This is about them, not the messy history of the groom's parents!
All the best, and hope it ends happily (enough)!
Julie.
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ChrissiFi
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Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2621
Loc: Somerset
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My view is that a wedding abroad (unless the couple live abroad) does tend to turn into a holiday for the chosen few. Do you know what your stepson really wants? Is he saying one thing to his Dad and another to his Mum just to keep the peace? It's probably easiest for him to give in to his mother's demands than to argue (my MIL always gets her own way - sulks, turns on the waterworks at the slightest hint that someone's about to say 'no' to her etc) and he most likely thinks his father will understand.
Have a talk with your stepson and his financee and if there's no moving on the wedding itself because of his mum then find out what would they'd like as a special celebration when they get back and pull out all the stops to give them what they want (weddings usually don't end up being what the bride and groom want as mothers get involved!).
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Mariah
member
Reged: 01/08/2006
Posts: 12
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Hi Amn, it is so sad but really not uncommon for this sort of situation! I think the best ideas that a few friends have suggested is to arrange a celebration for the couple when they return and all is 'done and dusted', really pull the stops out - wine , dine and overnight somewhere special - I don't know how well you already know them and I am sure there are many different aspects to the whole thing but try not to take it too personally - just remind both yourself and your husband that his son is probably doing what his mother wishes to keep the peace as it were! All the best xx
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amn
member
Reged: 01/05/2008
Posts: 6
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My step son wants us both there and is hating the situation but he cannot stand up to his mother or sisters. My husbands marriage ended years before me and his ex wife was awful to him for years!! Whatever happens my husband will still miss out on his only sons wedding!
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JulieJ
member
Reged: 29/12/2008
Posts: 552
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Very glad to hear you're not a ruthless sultry siren who lured a weak man away from his stricken, heartbroken wife.....!!!!
So, with that scenario out of the way (!), that puts the label of troublemaker squarely back on the ex, who sounds a complete pain and an arch manipulator and narcisist, who clearly does NOT love her children more than herself, or she'd bury her 'bruised ego' (or whatever bit of her is yelping) and do what her son wants for his wedding, Sounds like she is the kind of person that turns everything in life into a battle for attention and supremacy, which is a cheap, nasty and selfish thing to do.
I think your step son has two options. To make a stand or not. If he does the latter, and 'gives in' to his mother's demands (ie, excludes his dad and you from the wedding) he may indeed have an outwardly easier time of it, but he is also signalling that he is starting his married life as, basically, a patsy. He should not for a moment imagine that if he gives in to his mother on this issue she will stop making similar demands over the next 'event'. He will end up 'giving in' to her the rest of his life. Personally I'd say make a stand, and call her bluff - and if she doesn't turn up for the wedding, so be it. He can't spend the rest of his life placating his manipulative, narcissistic, selfish mother.
What does his bride to be think? She is going to be a key player in the rest of your stepson's life, and although she may be willing to be 'political' at the moment - ie say 'darling, if it's easier for you to have your ghastly mother here, andkeep your nice dad and his lovely wife away, let's go for it' - but on the other hand, you can bet your boots that her MIL is going to be set on controling her DIL, and making a demanding fuss over everything for the rest of their lives.
So, my conclusion, for what it's worth, is that it would be sensible for your stepson - and his bride! - to lay down his ground rules NOW - 'OUR wedding, OUR guest list' - and make his mother's decison whether to come to his wedding or not HER responsibility. She is trying to make it HIS responsibility, when it isn't.
Yes, she'll kick up a fuss, yes she'll play the martyr, etc etc etc, but tough. People only manipulate us if we let them, and if you all rally around your stepson (his dad, you, his bride - and possibly her parents too) and present a united front, then she can like it or lump it. And if she lumps it, so what? Who is responsible for her happiness? No one except herself! The sky won't fall in because she isn't a happy bunny because she didn't get her own way for once.....
All the very best - Julie.
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GILL3SQ
member
Reged: 29/07/2008
Posts: 1599
Loc: Staffordshire
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Perfect advice Julie. Hear Hear.
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curlyeileen
member
Reged: 07/02/2008
Posts: 151
Loc: Leicestershire
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Hi
I agree with all the comments and advice and agree if something can't be sorted then do the dignified thing and have your own special occasion with them but am reminded of my own wedding dilema with MIL (and her partner) who were not on speaking terms with FIL and his wife.
We were worried that there would be too much tension on the day but wanted all of them to attend so we actually arranged a meal before the wedding with all concerned (didn't tell them the other was going to be there) at our house and explained how we were feeling, that we loved them all and wanted everyone to share our day but we could not have an atmosphere ruining our special time or be so worried about a potential scene that we didn't get to enjoy our own wedding. It wasn't easy but it did work thankfully when the MIL realised that she wasn't calling the shots. I took the 'blame' for want of a better word and used the 'it's a bride's special day' line to take the pressure of H.
If something isn't done before the wedding then you are running a huge risk of your H's ex assuming control over all future family events - with another two daughters and potentially christenings etc in the future this could mean you and your H being excluded always.
It's surely got to be worth a try to set the precedent now rather than face this dilema again in the future?
Good luck
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 Curly Eileen
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amn
member
Reged: 01/05/2008
Posts: 6
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An up date on situation. My step son and fiancee came up the other night to give us an invite to the evening do! Which everyone is invited to!! My step son admitted he has made a mistake, he said he should never have let other people decide what was going to happen at his wedding and he regrets it all. It still means my husband cannot go to the wedding, so even though he knows he's done wrong it dosn't change anything. I still feel so upset for my husband as he is so hurt.
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 8004
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Hi amn
Glad to know that you will both be going to the evening do, but sorry about the service. You are really hurting for your OH, just seems so sad that what should be a special family day is being dominated by someone whose day it isn't!
When is the wedding?
Foxie x.
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I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou.
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amn
member
Reged: 01/05/2008
Posts: 6
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wedding is middle of June and evening do july. His ex wife and daughters will all be there, don't know how it will go? Am worried they might cause a scene! Not sure we will be able to or want to see wedding photos. It's all so awkward they spend time very weekend with us, having meals etc. Just wish he'd had the courage to say we could go. I will be glad when it's all over as it has been hanging over us for a year. My oh is so hurt and he is such a good man and father seems so unfair.
Thanks x
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 8004
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Hi amn
I did not realise that the wedding and evening do were two separate occasions. I thought they were both on the same day. Surely ex wife and daughters would not misbehave at the do and spoil their son's / brother's wedding day?
I just find it difficult to understand why ex wife is 'controlling' her son's wedding. What should be a very special family day, is now overshadowed by a manipulative and calculating woman. It sounds that your OH has moved on and she hasn't. How bitter she must be, to put her son through all this.
F x.
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I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou.
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Caja
member
Reged: 10/05/2009
Posts: 20
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Hi Amn
I completely and utterly feel for you. We were in a very similar situation this time last year (ex wife controlling stepson) and although we were eventually invited to the whole wedding we were not included in it at all.
I wish that we had done what splash and womanj are suggesting and had a totally separate celebration and preserved the lovely easygoing relationship we'd had with my stepson which has now been damaged due to all the hurt and problems caused by the wedding.
Whatever you decide to do I wish you the very best of luck
Caja
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