bookmad53
member
Reged: 29/01/2009
Posts: 43
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Hello,
Any advice as to what to advise would be great. Our gorgeous 23 year old son told us(my husband and me), 2 years ago, while coming to the end of his 3rd year at uni, that he is gay. Actually, he didn't announce it. I knew something was wrong, and he was obviously unhappy about something, and one day I managed to get him to talk to me( he and I are incredibly close) and he told me amongst lots of tears. He was devastated, and said he wished more than anything that he was straight, and worried I would be disappointed. I told him he could never disappoint me, the only thing that disappointed me was that he was so unhappy, and that he must be true to himself and try to accept it. He was much happier having told us. Since then, he has left uni, he lives at home, and is now working and training for a professional qualification. However, he has not told anyone else, and seems to have cut himself off from any threats eg old school boyfriends etc. He has a close group of locally old school friends (mainly girls) and does keep in touch with the lovely lads he shared a house with at Uni: but they don't know.
He has a younger brother who doesn't know yet, but I am trying to encourage him to tell him. He has two older half sisters, one of which now knows by default,(though my son doesn't mind them knowing,just doesn't know how to do it). He's not depressed, but he does get very down. He hardly goes out, occasionally with the previous friends, but not on a regular basis, so mainly his evenings are spent in his room, or with us, either studying or watching films, or online. He is very anti the gay scene, and doesn't like clubbing or pubbing, he doesn't drink; but I know would desperately like a close friend or gay friends, but doesn't know how to go about finding any. He is such a lovely well mannered likeable lad, not obviously gay. His sister actually asked me outright if he was gay as she couldn't understand why he never went out with girls, as he is so gorgeous.She is willing to help him, but he just clams up. I think he is terrified of coming out, and consequently is shutting himself away.
Is there anyone with a gay son out there that can help me help him.
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Brightspark
member
Reged: 16/03/2009
Posts: 96
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Not really in a position to offer you any advice, but wanted to tell you how lucky he is to have such a supportive mum! It must be really tough for you to watch him struggling like this.
It might be worth doing a search on the internet to see if there are there any helplines/websites for families in a similar position, as I'm sure you're not alone.
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Splash123
member
Reged: 04/05/2008
Posts: 4097
Loc: South Glamorgan
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I am like brightspark....no experience or advice... but I too think he is a lucky lad to have such a lovely caring family.
I hope some one can give advice and chat with you .
Big Hug
xx
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http://www.visitcardiff.com/What-to-do-and-see.html
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carsma
member
Reged: 13/02/2009
Posts: 3298
Loc: Berks
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Sorry, I have no advice either, just think as the others do that he is so lucky to have you being supportive.
The nicest guys I have ever met have been gay.
carsma x
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Barney
member
Reged: 01/04/2008
Posts: 2479
Loc: UK
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Hi bookmad and welcome to the forum.
I have no advice to give either. It's good your son feels able to confide in you and obviously values your support. It sounds as if he is having difficulty in coming to terms with his own sexuality and isn't yet ready to accept the gay way of life - perhaps online support groups may be of help.
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bookmad53
member
Reged: 29/01/2009
Posts: 43
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Thanks for the support. But no alternative but to support him, he means the world to me, as does his brother. Their happiness is paramount in my eyes.
xxxx
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 453
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I think there is a national Helpline for Gay People, im not sure anymore about it but im sure there is one, look on the web and then he could contact them privately if he needs too. He sounds smashing and is just himself, i would be proud of him. I would be proud of allof you too, sexuality is such a personal thing and he is in a very good position with such a positive family but perhaps the Helpline would help him to discuss things he isnt sure of ?
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bookmad53
member
Reged: 29/01/2009
Posts: 43
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Thanks suejane. I will look into helpline. xx
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skippy
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 2128
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Hi Bookmad - there are ladies on here who have gay members of their families but probably haven't seen your post yet, but im sure they will be glad to help. You are a great mum and just keep on doing what you are doing - being a wonderful support to him.
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[ima ge][/image]
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2621
Loc: Somerset
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The most important thing is for him to just be himself. I don't understand why people have to 'come out' afterall there's no need to declare yourself as hetrosexual so why does society feel the need to label homosexuals? I have friends who are gay, lesbian and bi (and one who's post op transexual and her situation must have been the most difficult for anyone to cope with) but first and foremost they are themselves and so far as I know none of them feel they have to be part of a 'scene' or to 'come out' to all and sundry. Apart from my transexual friend none have ever actually said "I'm ..." (and that was only because she was advised to tell her friends as part of her pre-op counselling), the rest it's just been obvious through normal conversation (if a female friend refers to her ex-girlfriend you just know) so it's never been an issue with anyone they know. Those with partners have met them the same way as you or I met our husbands - through friends, work etc.
I think the most important thing is to let him know that he is completely normal and doesn't have to tell anyone anything unless he wants to because really there's nothing to tell. Chances are his close female friends have already worked it out anyway but haven't mentioned it simply because it just doesn't matter.
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 6211
Loc: runcorn
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Hi Bookmad
i think you could provide a template for other parents on how to behave when their child has something difficult to tell them. Well done - it must make your son feel secure to have that foundation.
I can't comment from any personal experience, but 2 things you say stand out to me. Firstly that he wishes he was straight and secondly that he is anti the gay scene. Have you been able to ask him why he has such a negative view? There a lot of gay men who don't like the stereotypical gay clubbing scene and yet manage to meet and form long-term relationships. i have a few lesbian friends that have avoided the club scene but they are in stable relationships and lead happy lives.
There is so much more acceptance of lesbians and gays these days that I doubt there would be censure amongst his old friends. As a bit of an aside, there was a thread a few months ago on Trucknet - what you would expect as a bastion of homophobia almost - in which the poster asked why there were no gay lorry drivers. He got a few answers along the lines of that there probably are it's just that you haven't realised. And sure enough one of the regular contributors felt the environment was supportive enough for him to say the he was gay, then followed by another trucker confirming the same thing. In all the posts that ensued there was only one person who had negative comments to make and that was due to a relgious belief. So much more acceptance than there used to be.
As the other ladies suggest, try some of the support groups available. If your son doesn't want to contact them, there are support and advice groups for parents that may be able to help to help your son.
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I have the talent of single-minded determination and foc....hey, look, dog!
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bookmad53
member
Reged: 29/01/2009
Posts: 43
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Thanks Chrissifi and all of you who have replied,
I actually agree with all you have said. I have said the same to my son. At the moment I just want him to go out,maybe join a tennis club or golf, as he enjoys both, or chess as he is an avid player, I tell him it's a way of socialising. He knows I am right, but I think the gay thing is holding him back.
All of your comments have been really helpful. At the end of the day it is down to him to get out more. I agree that because we are really supportive it has helped him. Time will tell.
Thanks for being a great bunch of people.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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nowcemsi
member
Reged: 24/06/2008
Posts: 462
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I would say, he just needs time to adjust to his life now he has told you and himself and accepted his sexuality.
In my life I have been very priveleged to have two wonderful people who are gay as friends, one male, one female
oh and of course not forgetting my goddaughter!
He is just the same as the rest of us, where do we meet like minded friends, where can we meet someone to fall in love with
He does the same as we did, fate will step in
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Fluffington
member
Reged: 26/01/2009
Posts: 1856
Loc: London
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Hi Bookmad,
I have two best friends that are gay so have some knowledge in it! One of them has taken so long to be comfortable in being a lesbian. We all knew she was gay back at college and she came out in the last year but only to those closest to her. All of the gay experiences she had were kept secret and we were never allowed to talk about it openly in front of people with her. She slowly started to accept that it was just a part of who she was and had a short relationship that helped this along. Now she has been with her girlfriend for over a year and seems really comfortable in the fact that she doesn't mind people knowing that she is gay. I really think it has been since she has been in a serious relationship that she has come out of herself with accepting who she is and that nobody else should care. She must have been about 20 when she first came out to her close friends, she is now nearly 27 so it has taken her quite a while.
It seems that your son may be the same as my friend, she too hated the gay scene etc but is now comfortable with it. It has taken years but she is finally there! Unfortunately for her she didn't have such supportive parents and it took a lot for her mum to accept her sexuality. Your son is very lucky to have you standing by him throughout and all you can do is keep it that way and be there for him. He will get there eventually I promise but it really can take a while as there still seems to be such an issue for people to be happily gay.
Fluffs x
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Sometimes I pretend to be normal but it gets boring so I go back to being me
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 453
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Being Gay has has such a terrible history for many people here in the Uk and abroad.I think your son is lucky to have such a supportive family whatever problems he has you would support him and being gay is probably just one of those things to be sorted. We are not all the same, we are individuals, he doesnt have horns on his head because heis gay!He sounds a really sweet guy whatever his sexuality or not,and as i say, i would be proud of him. Sometimes there are other reasons for not going out to meet peple, perhaps there are other things going on in his mind, he s normal and young. Perhaps hes just very shy?Good Luck to you all xxx
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tag49
member
Reged: 25/03/2009
Posts: 601
Loc: northampton
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both he and you sound like wonderfull people and you are so lucky to have each other.
my son is 29 and gay ,now in a stable relationship.
i had my suspicions that he was gay from about the age of fifteen, can't put my finger on what made me think he was,like your son most of his friends at school where female. when he finished college at the age of eighteen he still hadnt told us and i didnt want to pressure him into doing so,he then went off abroad to work as a holiday rep,as happy as larry,i missed him so much,we went to visit,he was so obviously gay but still didnt feel that he could tell us,just before he came back to england he rang to say that he had met someone and he was moving in wth HIM , there he'd done it .the whole of the family were relieved , not one person has been negative. that relationship lasted about a year ,he then came home and at first was out on the small gay scene that we have locally, soon tired of that and now like i said before has been in a relationship for four years.he is also anti gay scene now but i think he has just grown up and grown out of going into town drinking .yes there are gay and lesbian groups that you can talk to ,parents are also welcome to contact them.
just keep on giving him all your love,he will find himself eventually .
xx
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bookmad53
member
Reged: 29/01/2009
Posts: 43
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Thanks to you all for your advice. I feel much better about things now, and realize that it may take a time for him to feel comfortable with himself. He will always have my support. I think his best bet is to join a group or club (not gay) but just to meet people. Maybe eventually he might meet other gay people that way.
Thank you all. xx
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 453
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Sometimes just joining agroup, eg Walking group, can provide company and shared interests, and maybe he might meet someone he will just click with. Once you take the first step and actually join something, this can be the start of a new life, a different life or if that group is not for him, there are masses of others. Very Good Luck to you allxx
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 2621
Loc: Somerset
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I think the most important thing is for your son to feel he can get out and make new friends (regardless of their sexuality) without worrying that he is in some way different. I don't see sexuality in black and white (ie gay and straight) but as a range of differences from one extreme to the other. There's not a right or wrong, it's just the way things are. When the time is right he'll meet a partner but it's something that will just happen and he mustn't feel that he has to go looking.
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taz1
member
Reged: 23/04/2009
Posts: 2
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Hello I noticed the forums mentioned in the mag was interested as I now work with my fiancee and eldest son and miss being able to talk things through with the girls at my old office.
Your dilema struck a cord as my eldest son is gay he came out when he was 14 to me and his Dad and I suppose I honestly hoped it was a phase and he would "grow" out of it but he is now 25 and in relationship with another man. He too is not obviously gay and very handsome with lots of friends who are girls. He has not coped well and I would say he is not comfortable in his own skin but this is getting better as he is getting older he has just come off of antidepressants. It is so heartbreaking for us Mums to witness their suffering.
You must give your son the upmost credit and respect for the way he has handled himself it is so hard for them to live a double life and in our experience when we plucked up the courage to tell grandparents and close friends their reponse was to say they already "knew" and were just waiting for him to "come out" officially as it were. I would encourage him to start to tell people especailly close family and friends and build their network of support to give him the confidence with the big wide world and start to enjoy the life he deserves.
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