dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 6546
Loc: Kent UK
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I got a phone call just now from a dear, close and long term girlfriend of mine. She is nearly ten years old than me but we have never really notice it and over the years have had many laughs, a few tears and a lot of fun in each others company.
We clicked instantly when we meet, and have known each other since our boys were in nursery/primary school, some 15 or so years ago now.
She started the phone call off by saying the normal hello and friendly chat about the family and life but then she suddenly broke off this line of chat and said she "didn't know how to tell me something so I'll just come straight out with it!" The next line she spoke was "I have cancer in my breast" and "I'm starting a course of chemotherapy this Friday "
We chatted on the phone for over half an hour and she said she promises to call me and let me know how things are going and when she would like me to pop over and see her. She is only 10 minutes drive away from me.
The lump is only a few cms big but according to the hospital and my friend (she is a trained nurse) this is fairly big.
She isn't at all big busted and after removing the lump she will need to have the rest of her breast tissue removed.
Please what I need is advice on what I can do for my friend. I said I was so sorry to hear her news and that I didn't know what to say or do. I have offered help of any sort and for her to phone me at any time night or day no mater how silly or little her concern or worry is or even if she just wants a moan.
Still I feel at a loss, helpless and hopeless as to what I can do to be of some positive useful help to her and feel I need please some ideas and suggestions from all you lovely ladies as to what I can do to support and be there for her.
I don't want to call her but should I just leave things till she contacts me again?
Do I send her a card or note ?
What do you do for a close and dear friend who has just given told you such news??
Advice and help needed please???
Thanks in advance for your help and advice from me
Debbie   dbverycherry
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xxxSummerxxx
member
Reged: 29/03/2008
Posts: 10545
Loc: Billericay,Essex
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Debbie,
I haven't been through this in quite the same way as you but if it was me i would sent her a short notelets every now and then explaining that you will be there for her etc,tell her that you dont expect a reply but you are there if she needs a listening ear.I just feel that if shes not upto speaking to anyone then she wont feel pressured by your concern.
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norfolkbroad
member
Reged: 03/05/2007
Posts: 684
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Hi Debbie
I think you should call her in a day or two and just say what you've said here - you don't really know what to say but want to give her all the support you can. It's taken a lot of guts on her part to tell you and I'm sure she'd really appreciate your call.
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 6546
Loc: Kent UK
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Thanks so much for your quick and positive thinking Summer. Such a prompt reply.
 I will go and buy some suitable cards/ notelets tomorrow.
Isn't it funny how life pans out. Only today my care job where I look after an old lady twice a week has suddenly and unexpectedly ended. I now have 2 whole free days each week. So all being well I can be there for her if and when she feels the need.
dbverycherry
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 6546
Loc: Kent UK
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Hello Norfolk classy lass
I was wondering if I should just give her a quick call this Friday evening but I don't want to trouble her to much. She did mention her mum has been worrying her and phoning her each day so I took this as a slight hint not to call her but I may have read what she said wrong.
Why isn't there a hand book for such situations in life??
dbverycherry
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dbverycherry
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helene
member
Reged: 09/06/2008
Posts: 64
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Debbie I know that you will be astute enough to be able to support your friend through all her difficulties , sometimes we feel we are not up to a task that is suddenly sprung upon us but I think the most important thing you can do just now is listen clearly to what your friend is needing and you will know how to offer her support I wish you well and dont hesitate to ask your other friends for help or advice you can certainly call on me if I can be of any help
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beejay
member
Reged: 10/01/2008
Posts: 360
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Hi.I had this situation with one of my closest friends 2 years ago.We had goneout for a meal plus OHs when I said I had found a lump in my breast and she said she had as well.Mine was nothing but in fact she had 2 lumps, each with a different form.If I were you I would just call,perhaps with a small bunch of flowers or chocs and say" i'm not stopping .I just want to give you a hug".I did phone a lot and I found that if she didn't want to talk it either went into ansaphone or her husband made an excuse.She had surgery and before she went into hospital I made her up a goody bag with lots of little things in (a nice Crabtrree and Evelyn soap,scented tissues,a little craft kit,magazines etc.)That was 2 years ago.My friend lost all her hair but it has now fully grown again(she had a fantastic wig when was hairless).She finished the main treatment and is just on Tamoxofen.3weeks ago she had a mamogram and it was clear.Breast cancer these days is much more treatable.Keep your fingers crossed for me.I had my routinemammogram last Friday and now have to wait 2-3 weeks for the result.Hope this helps.barbara
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 6546
Loc: Kent UK
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Hi and thanks so much Beejay and Helene.
That was a lovely offer of yours and I do appreciate it Helene I might well just PM if thats OK.
Beejay what a really thoughtful and touching idea and I think I will do just that. A loving hug between good friends says an awful lot I think and the goodie bag idea is great. I know just what she likes and can treat and spoil her 
I have come over rather tearful and emotional just now and on reading such caring and lovely replies and all so promptly after my posting here just now.
My friend mentioned she is going to try the 'cold cap treatment' so hopefully it will stop her hair loss or at least the loss of it all she hopes.
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dbverycherry
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lizalou
member
Reged: 01/02/2008
Posts: 675
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Sadly, I was in your position a few years ago, I really didnt know what to do and could have done with books or info as written by the sufferer.
All I could do was concentrate on offering practical help whenever I could When my BF was in hospital, I sent a card or notelet every day. But it was so difficult to find the right thing to do or say.
A couple of mutual friends and I used to discuss things together then take it in turn to keep up a sort of support system,and their support was vital for me.
But there is no easy answer.
Love to you and your friend.
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Sallykins
member
Reged: 10/04/2007
Posts: 3469
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Debbie
I haven't any direct experience of this but all I can say is you are an extremely caring and loving lady... that comes across in all your posts. Just do what comes natural to you and i know it will be the right course of action!!! I will say a prayer for your friend and send you lots of stregthening hugs x x x x
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Sally x x
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scarlett
member
Reged: 04/09/2007
Posts: 578
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dbverycherry, how awful for her and for you. I would just let her know that I was there for her any time she needed me, and to let you know at any time if she wanted or needed anything then you would be there. Yes do send a note and some flowers just make her feel that she is not alone whilst going through this. thinking of you both, Denzy x
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 6546
Loc: Kent UK
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Thanks Sally you are a sweetie and so kind.
I just hate the feeling of being helpless and not knowing what best to do for my friend and at such a difficult time in her life.
Just found a card which has the wording already on it and as one or two of you have suggested.
I am going now to post off in a minute or two.
I now things are difficult for you right at the moment ...
... I'm thinking of you
and inside it reads
and want you to know you
can alway rely on me for a
hug, or shoulder to cry on.
I'm there for you whenever
you need me.
Take care
Love and best wishes from Debbie
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dbverycherry
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Sallykins
member
Reged: 10/04/2007
Posts: 3469
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Debbie
That is perfect! As I said you will instinctively know the right thing to do and say... Your friend is lucky to have you!!!
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Sally x x
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PLASMO
member
Reged: 13/03/2008
Posts: 13221
Loc: FLOUNCELAND
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Debbie,
Just let her know that you care for her and give her the biggest hug. Im sure she knows that will always be there for her that is what real and true friends do.
Beejay, Im in the same position as you, had my routine mammogram last Friday, and it was a brand new digital scanner, so I hope all will be well, you cant help but worry though until that letter arrives through the door.
Plasmo x
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Duffy
member
Reged: 14/02/2008
Posts: 1312
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Hi Debbie...I am so sorry..every womans nightmare and happening to your dear friend...I think you do all those things you question whether you should do...you ring and write you let her know how much you are there for her...she is scared lonely trapped..and the last thing she needs is to feel all on her own...often is the case in sitations like this that people run...afraid of what to say..she is still your friend..and I would be yourself with her...no special treatment just carry on as you have been ,,there for her...xxx
I do hope she will be ok....x
My friend is waiting for results...??sarcoma...could have infiltrated muscle bone etc etc....we are both nurses...It has brought us closer and I ring her every day now....I think if it were me I to would want to know people were rooting for me...xx
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 6546
Loc: Kent UK
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Hi Lizalou and Denzy.
I think I will buy a living plant as she loves gardening. I can always plant it out for her, her hubby will water it.
I know that one in ten of us will have, some type of cancer, and at some point in our lives but one never expects it to be us or a close friend that it effects. This news has left me feeling so helpless and utterly unprepared for such news.
dbverycherry
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OzzieKez
member
Reged: 21/06/2008
Posts: 2759
Loc: Queensland, Australia
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Attempting to PM you!
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 6546
Loc: Kent UK
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Plasmo and Duffy.
I have tried to express to to my friend that I will be there for her what ever and when ever.
I truly feel it is one of all our worst nightmares and i feel am helpless in as much as what to do and what will be best way to help for her. She has a son in his 20s who needs special physical help and care and I know she will struggle as she is his primary carer and has always been. My friend's OH's work have been good and are allowing him time off but it is still a huge strain on the family.
My dad suffered with cancer that had spread to the lymph glands. He was ill in hospital for three weeks. I was totally worn out and exhausted at the end as were all the close family and including my poor dear dad.
I do pray I will cope and be there for my best friend.
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Suee
member
Reged: 21/01/2008
Posts: 2058
Loc: Switzerland
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Hi Debbie, sorry to hear your news.Im sure with a friend like you she will have the best support.As others have said your posts are always caring,Im sure being just you,as you always are,is all that she needs.I would certainly be pleased to have a friend like you.I think telling her ,how you told us,about how you feel and being there at any time for her,is a good start.All the best for your friend,and you of course, Suee xxx
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 6546
Loc: Kent UK
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Thanks Suee. I knew I could count on you lot to help out and give such good and caring advice.
Also a BIG and sincere thank you for all those hugs so far and to those who have taken the trouble to PM me, you know who you are
dbverycherry
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