alicia5
member
Reged: 02/05/2008
Posts: 2
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Really concerned at the way my previously lovely daughter seems to be going at present. She's a bright, able girl but seems to only be interested in MSN, make-up and now more worryingly boys. I've discovered messages on MSN I'm not happy with and also one of her friends is behaving inappropriately for her age. She's trying to go out wearing far too much make-up which I've restricted to special occasions but she's gone behind my back and put it on at a friend's. I don't want to clamp down so hard I alienate her but feel at my wits' end as to how to manage this.
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BettyRubble
member
Reged: 06/02/2008
Posts: 608
Loc: South west France
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I think it's a case of join the club !! My eldest is 15 going on 21. We've had a lot to come to terms with over the last ten months - boyfriend, concerts, wanting to go to night clubs the list goes on. My only advice is don't sweat the small stuff and keep talking. The worst thing they can do is go behind your back so when it comes to make up I would say let her experiment at home and get her to realise that less is more. I recently took D into the MAC make-up shop and spoke to one of the assistants. D is always going on about 'smoky eyes' - you know the really heavy eye make up - the assistant did one eye for her to get the effect and D had to admit it made her look like she'd got a black eye. Then the assistant did the other eye with the bare minimum and it looked lovely.
It's so difficult, I feel she wants to run before she can walk and I definitely feel like I've lost my little girl, but I've tried to always give a reason when I've said no and she is still talking to me. We do have bad episodes, but she says when we talk about things and I give her my honest reasons why she can't do something, she may not agree at the time, but after a few days she'll accept that I'm not saying /doing something to p**s her off, there are genuine concerns.
I don't think any parent realises how difficult this stage is, I certainly didn't. When I'm scared she's moving too far too fast I tell her, maybe you could explain your fears for her to your daughter, especially with MSN. My husband and I restricted the amount of time she was allowed and demanded to see who she was on to and history. When she realised that we could control that she backed down as she didn't want to loose it completely.
By the way welcome to the forum - you'll find loads of people in a similar circumstances and mums who've been there and got the t-shirt. I've found advice on various threads about teenagers to be invaluable.
Have good weekend
Betty
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Chickadee
member
Reged: 28/03/2008
Posts: 4028
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Alicia, you have my sympathies -Betty R I think the make-up idea was brill. Why don't you let her wear as much make up as she wants in the house - encourage her to try out different things (the clown look for example!)
I think it's really important to decide what you mind about - for example with my d, (16) I don't object if she wants to be a bit heavy handed with make-up, but we do talk about how she dresses and for what occasion - so something that may be a bit tarty could be fine for her youth club but wouldn't do if she was out on the town in the evening. Similarly, she goes to parties, but we negotiate a pick up time and I expect her to stick to it.
Hard though it may be to accept, I think it's quite normal to be interested in boys at 13 and girls of that age now are so much more knowing than we were. My d. came home one day when she was in Y7 and asked what or*l s*x is...she actually found the explanation pretty gross. I expect a lot of the chat on MSN is just showing off.
The other thing with teenagers is to make sure they have plenty of interesting activities that you're NOT involved in - sport, drama, well run youth clubs, guides etc - there's plenty out there and in my experience if they're kept occupied with things they enjoy, they are less likely to get into difficulties. It's good for them to have other adults as role models too.
Good luck Alicia!
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skippy
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 2119
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Hi Alicia, I'm having exactly the same problems but my ED is 15, too young for pubs and clubs but too old for youth clubs. Last night she lied about how late she was out (staying over at a friends) and its caused a big row. My OH is very protective of her and checked with the girls family who she was staying with. Personally i can see its driving a wedge between them but then i get caught up in the cross fire and end up getting the blame! No one wins and i think you have to be firm but reasonable. Set time limits for msn and going out to places, but be prepared to compromise. Best wishes x
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alicia5
member
Reged: 02/05/2008
Posts: 2
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Thanks so much for your support - the suggestion re make-up is really useful. Actually she's only 12 and a half but mature for her age so that's why things have become particularly worrying.
We have grounded her today which she is finding really difficult but she transgressed on about 4 of our rules - two of which were about her personal safety - so I feel justified (but horrible). However if we don't curb her now I dread how things may turn out.
She is particularly upset as she feels her friend put her under pressure somewhat and yet E seems to be getting the blame. We've explained we can't discipline her friend altho the parents are aware of the situation and hopefully her friend will feel bad about E taking all the blame. So we've tried to quantify our decision.
I'm finding it so hard as she said she just wanted to fit in and be like everyone else which I understand but not to flout rules for safety etc.
Anyway I really appreciated your feedback - at least I'm not alone!
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BettyRubble
member
Reged: 06/02/2008
Posts: 608
Loc: South west France
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D had a friend in the UK that was more 'advanced' and it was difficult when R was able to go to town or to night clubs at the age of 12/13 on her own, but we explained that all parents have different ways of bringing up their own children, it didn't make us right or wrong - it meant we showed our love for her in a different way to the other parents. D now has different friends who pull her in other directions, but R has been sleeping with her boyfriends for over a year, she smokes, drinks, has tried drugs and got caught shop lifting. D has realised that she doesn't want to be like that and has drifted away from R.
We explained to D that 'grown ups' take responsibility for their actions and accept that rules are there for their safety and that by accepting our rules she was showing her maturity. Over time we've been able to trust her a lot more.
They all want to 'fit in' and it depends on who their 'fitting in' with that causes the problems, but we've found she's no longer led and influenced by other people quite so much and (mostly) is able to say no when it doesn't feel right for her.
All you can do is love them and hope half of what you do and say sinks in, don't feel mean for disciplining them, it's you're way of showing that you care.
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skippy
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 2119
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Yes that's another thing - my daughter has friends who seem to be able to go any where - even at 16 they are going clubbing in London , shopping in the west end , day trips to sea-side (where half of them got on the wrong train!), camping at festivals. I think its all too much too soon and they will have very little to look forward to.
One of these girls mums even braggs that Amy Winehouse is her daughters idol - just hope she doesn't go down the drugs route when she's bored of being able to do as she pleases! I don't know how these parents would stand legally if something dreadful happened to their girls on one of their jaunts.
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eliza
member
Reged: 20/03/2008
Posts: 677
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Hi I too have a 12 and a half year old daughter who thinks she is much older.She is also into makeup and boys so I fully understand.She wanted to wear foundation as all her friends do so I thought either I let her or she will go behind my back so we chose some together and I taught her how to put it on.maybee some won't agree but I thought better that than behind my back looking really bad. fourtunatly thats all she wears.sometimes she is still a little girl but not often .I also restrict her msn time.I also have problems with my 15 year old son who seems to have a second life on msn and makes things up constantly he now trys to lock me out I don't know if I should uninstall it all together or not any advice.
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limplegs
member
Reged: 14/05/2008
Posts: 1
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I have one of those 13yr olds too! In fact only last night there was a dispute over some new party shoes she had bought without me there. We had talked about the fact that she could have some 'high heels' but also that they shouldn't be realy high. She does a lot of Ballet, tap, jazz etc and it was pointed out how she could damage her feet. I had to admit that the shoes were beautiful(Bit of a shoe-holic myself) but that they were ridiculously high! She practised walking around in them in her room and admitted that they were hard to walk in. her father thought that they were far too grown up and said that I must take her to take them back and choose some different ones. She spent the rest of the evening sulking, this then continued until school this am. Later in the day I received a text from her apologising for her bad mood and agreeing that we were right about the shoes.
I frequently suggest that she has too much make up on when she's going out with her friends (going out consists of short shopping trips to the nearest town, or to the cinema and occaisional parties at friends houses) She knows now that if she doesn't tone it down, she won't be allowed out at all and the make up will be taken away.
She began to stray a while ago, led on by other less desirable characters, but after some very lengthy grounding, removal of all make up and hair preparatory stuff, along with the laptop and insisting on help around the house, sense kicked in.
She is much better now but still pushes the boundaries at times. I don't want to stifle her, but I also don't want her getting into any sort of trouble. We do give reasons why she's not allowed to do certain things, but if it begins to get drawn out, I put my foot down and return to the very old fashioned child rearing rules 'because I said so!' but quantify it with 'because I'm the grown up and you're the child and I have almost 40 more years of life experience than you!' How mean of me! Not necessarily the modern view of parenting, but it works in our house.
I also have a 15 yr son who is allowed more leeway, but he can have his moments too, that's another story!
On the whole they are good kids and I do remember being one myself! Perhaps that's what worries me!!!!
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Chickadee
member
Reged: 28/03/2008
Posts: 4028
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I think the last thing you've said is really important limplegs. It's very ahrd to remember how we felt at that age, and also very tempting to think we don't want our kdids to make the same mistakes we did.
I remember at that age wearing too much make up, skirts that were far too short, interested in boys, showing off, and so on. At 18, I was at university in the swinging 60s and early 70s and I had ... a good time!
I am now a sober(usually) and sensible member of society, having held down various responisble jobs, I've raised three children who are all doing well, pillar of the church and the community and all that stuff. My friends from university are all in much the same position.
I think the important thing is to give youngsters some freedom within clear boundaries and then show that you trust them and their judgement. so you might say yes to the make-up (no-one dies from wearing to much mascara, though they might end up looking like a panda, and a sneaky photo can work wonders) but no to the clubbing. You could offer the occasional rock concert ticket instead - paying for a ticket to T$ on the Beach earned me a lot of Brownie points! It does mean taking risks - but it also gives them the chance to grow up and experiment while you're still there to help them pick up any pieces, rather than waiting till they're older and have left home and you don't know what the hell they're up to.
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dbverycherry
member
Reged: 24/02/2007
Posts: 6503
Loc: Kent UK
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Hi there. Have sent you a PM Alicia.
Best and sincere wishes to you from me dbverycherry 
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paulagalvin
member
Reged: 20/07/2007
Posts: 170
Loc: leixlip
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It is very difficult isn`t it ?If you try to stop them,you are a nag and old-fashioned.If you leave them on it(bebo or facebook or m.s.m) you are in constant turmoil as to what they are at.
So I do think it is a no win situation ,for us poor mothers.
We just have to hope that we have instilled enough good sense into them so that they know the difference between right and wrong and that they have sufficient confidence to say "no" when that is what they want to say
Best wishes
paula  
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 8004
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As one who has come through and out the other side, don't sweat the small stuff and stand firm on the big issues.
Good luck and remember you are the parent, do not be taken in by the line 'everyone else's parents let so and so do x y z'
Foxie x.
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I've learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou.
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wispa
member
Reged: 16/01/2008
Posts: 3673
Loc: Suffolk,
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Been there, done it, and survived.
My tips - tried and tested.
She wants to go out. Encourage her and her friends to get dressed in your house. Tell them how good they look. Let them get dressed up, made up. And tell them you will feed them before they go out. Set the table, make it look grown-up. But feed them spag bol, of chillli, with extra garlic! It keeps vampires away, and over amorous boys too.
If she goes out, encourage her friends to stay overnight. Wait up for them, make them tea, chocolate hob-nobs. If they seem "tipsy", say nothing. Just watch them trying to be sober.
Next morning, make them a big fry-up, and sit with them while they eat it, and be all excited about last night.
Then, run the friends home, take your daughter with you, tell her how great it is to have a grown-up daughter, such good company, and how nice it is to spend time together, and shall we do the supermarket shopping now. She won't dare object.
But she'll think twice about drinking next time if she knows she has to go through all that with a hangover
..wispa
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